She Ghosted Me After Hooking Up. Now She’s Back. What Does It Mean?

Why women will sometimes go cold after hooking up & then come back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man five times. He’s always over pursued before finding my work. Recently he hooked up with a beautiful 23-year-old girl he’s known as an acquaintance for a few years, but rarely talked to. He didn’t hear from her after they hooked up. He texted her after 10 days to arrange another date, but she didn’t reply for 24 hours.

Then he saw her at the gym and she texted him later that afternoon. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s read 3% Man five times and it’s pretty clear as he details in here that he was always doing 50/50 pursuing with women. That was the big takeaway is he just called and texted too much. This is heterosexual relationships, gay relationships and lesbian relationships, when it’s 50/50, it elicits platonic feelings and the feminine essence towards the masculine essence. Therefore, the feminine essence loses attraction. So that’s what this guy had always done in the past.

He started dating this girl that kind of, I guess, been part of his friend group. He’s known her for a while or known her for a few years, but they never really talked much. Then one time they ended up talking and then they hung out, they made dinner together, they hooked up, had like two hours of the Indoor Olympics. He sent pictures. She’s beautiful. She looks a lot like Kate Mara, actually, who I think is gorgeous. So he hooked up with her and then he didn’t hear anything for 10 days. He texted her to set another date. It looks like he was assuming, because he hooked up with her, that she’s just going to do all the pursuing for now, he doesn’t have to do anything, which would be a mistake on his part.

So after about 10 days, he texted her and 24 hours later, she still hadn’t responded. He was on his way to the gym with one of his buddies, and who does he see walking out of the gym? This girl. Later he talked to her for a little bit, gave her a hug and a kiss, spanked her in the butt and sent her on her way. Then he went and worked out with his buddy. Then she texted him later that afternoon, and now he’s kind of scratching his head, going, “Hey, what’s going on here?”

I would say just from the get go before I really get into the email, it kind of looks like he’s misapplying what’s in the book. Just because you go out on one date and you hook up with a girl, doesn’t mean she’s going to all of a sudden do 100% of the pursuing. It’s a gradual change. He’s only read the book five times, so that definitely is going to be part of the problem is he doesn’t really know the subtle nuances of the book, so he thinks because he slept with this girl, that that’s it. He doesn’t have to reach out again, which is a mistake on his part. The idea is once the woman starts reaching out, you slowly taper off your contact initiation, because if you’re just taking measured steps of one date per week, most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date, but in this case, they kind of knew each other because of their peer group or their friend group or whatever. So it’s not like he was a total stranger. It’s just this was the first time they hung out and they had fun together and they hooked up. So he just assumed, because they already knew each other, that now she’s going to blow up his phone. That’s not the way it works. He should have reached out the following week to set the second date and hooked up, because then what happens is a woman’s emotions and interest becomes engaged. Then she’s going to reach out a couple of days after the last time you see each other or speak. Then once that starts to happen, if she’s reaching out a couple times a week, you don’t really need to initiate contact anymore, because at that point it actually becomes counterproductive.

So I think what he has done is he took his over-pursuing to the extreme opposite. He thinks, “Well, now we’ve slept together. My pursuit is done.” You have to respond to how she’s showing up. It’s a gradual process where you taper off and she continues to pursue more until she gets to the point where she’s ready to do all the pursuing and wants to be in a relationship with you, but again, it’s gradual. You got to respond to how she’s showing up.

So with that in mind, let’s go through the email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Love your work! I’ve read your book five times now and recently just read, “The Way to Superior Man.” It’s crazy now I see the things I did wrong all in the past, all those minor mistakes definitely lead to pushing women away, all small minor mistakes too that really add up that seem normal. I think the biggest one for me that is a game change is not doing 50/50 reaching out to a woman.

Yeah, when it’s 50/50, you’re going to get friend zoned at some point because they never really fall deeply in love with you, yearn, crave you and want you because you’re just pursuing too much. You’re acting too much like a girl, in essence, trying to get her attention.

In my eyes, I always thought that was regular but now you flip it to 80/20. It’s golden. I am talking to a few different women right now but I just invited a girl over Thursday night (The 5th). Long story short, I have known this girl for a few years, never talked a lot but we have know each other. About four weeks ago, she swiped up on my Instagram story asking if I moved out in Tennessee, “Did you move?” I said, “No I still live in Cali (We live in San Diego area) but I like to come out here often though.” She said she was coming out in November. We chatted few messages but I was busy out there so I didn’t really get back to her while traveling. Fast forward, we end up DMing again and I asked her if she likes spaghetti, she said yes, so I told her I will make her spaghetti that will make her do a back-flip.

Oh, look at this guy!

Teasing her about not kissing her because she will have garlic breath and an oil massage, my favorite LOL.

Well those do work well. It really helps a woman relax and then you can just slide in the salami.

I asked what time she is available in evenings, she said six and I said, “Cool let’s do seven on Thursday,” and she came over then. Within the two days prior, I didn’t message her leading up to the Thursday date.

Again, these guys have known each other for years. This is not how you’re going to do with somebody you met on a dating app or you barely know.

I have my own real estate business and I am pretty busy, always on the phone/texting so I don’t really like texting much for personal anyways. I don’t really think she does either, which is good.

Well, if you’re a busy professional, you’re just not going to have the time to be doing Snapchat and WhatsApp all the time.

The evening of, I was finishing up some meetings, so on my way back I hit the store. We pulled up at the same time to my place. We hugged, said hey, etc., I had groceries/wine in my car with me, so she helped me bring up the stuff up to my apartment. Brought her up to my place. She said what they all say, “OMG love it, it’s so cute.” You can see the sunset from my place. So I gave her the bottle and glasses, asked if she would pour us some wine while I get dinner going. She ended up helping make dinner which I really liked.

That’s the idea of making dinner together is so they can help. Not so you become the cook and she sits on her ass because if she’s helping you, it facilitates physical touching and interaction, which can help you with the seduction process. If she likes you and she’s really into you, she’s going to be touching you and bumping into you, you can start making out and you may have to pause making dinner while you have sex in the kitchen, which is nice because it’s a great appetizer. Then you have a nice dinner, your belly is full, you hang out, maybe a little Netflix and chill and then something pops up and you’re round number two of the Indoor Olympics. That’s what I would do if I were you, but just having a girl sit there and watch you make dinner, it kind of defeats the purpose.

I always make chicks dinner and they never offer to help, they just sit and drink wine LOL. We ate, talked, etc. She called me “Pookie” which is like slang right now for like babe, lover, hunny. She also said good interest level things, like I mentioned I never seen Harry Potter and she said, “Oh yea we are going to change that,” and went on about how its about to get cozy season and we will watch the Harry Potter and stuff like that. She mentioned a few things about us doing subtle future things, which to me showed a good level of interest. We finished, I took her plate when she was done and while I am walking away she said, “Where do you keep the oil?” Ha ha.

So she’s ready to get down to business. See, that’s so nice! When women are really highly attracted, they make it easy. “Hey, where’s that oil at? I’m ready to get lathered up, daddy. Daddy, can you lather me up?“

I smirked and said, “In that bathroom over there,” and laughed. Kept continuing to kind of clear off the counter of the mess, she poured more wine, we talked and I said, “Get comfy on the couch, I am going to take a shower, I feel dirty from today.” Took a shower, got out and then led her from the couch to my room. I put on a movie, we started kissing and got the oil, stripping her slowly. I mean fuck Coach, it was incredible. Indoor Olympics for 2 hours, it went on longer than the movie, it was great.

Well, maybe next time you’ll just have to put on a longer movie so you have a little background noise.

After she just laid there in my bed and kind of dozed off, she wrapped her feet around mine all sweet, cuddled naked. She started scratching my back, etc. All that felt good. A lot of the women I sleep with don’t do those kind of affectionate things most of time, so I liked that she did that. It felt good. I walked her down to her car, we kissed goodbye and I said, “Text me when you get home safe.” She texted me, “Home safe” and I said, “Glad you made it home safe.”

Now as Coach Corey Wayne says… Silence, ha ha.

Well, it’s silence until you make the next date.

So this was a Thursday. If this was a Thursday, as the book says, you should be reaching out on a Monday or a Tuesday because that was your first date. Even though you’ve known each other for a while, you still have to follow what’s in the book. It doesn’t mean, “Oh hey, I had sex now. I made it to the Promised Land.”

Even with the women who aren’t affectionate after sex they always say, “Thanks for the time, I had a fun,” this was the complete opposite, ha ha. She even told me to take a picture of her tits because I said, “Fuck, this view.” When she was getting her clothes back on but I said, “My phone is in the other room, next time.”

I would have said, “You know what? Let me get a picture. Take a picture of my tits, honey!”

Messaged her yesterday which would be 10 days of no response.

Well, all she was doing was saying, “Hey, I got home safe,” and then if she reaches out a day or two after that, then you’re going to try to set the date. That’s what the book says. So I think what happened is he’s just figuring, “Hey, I don’t have to do anything anymore. She’ll just contact me and this will be easy.” It’s possible that that would have started happening, but it didn’t. So if that was Thursday, then you should have contacted her Monday, Tuesday to make the next date, but the fact that you waited 10 whole days and then reached out, that’s a long time. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, but girls that have a low self-esteem might get pissed and might just ignore you. They might just think, “Oh, he just wanted to have sex,” and that was it. What you should have done if you were following the book was to reach out Monday, Tuesday to set date number two, and you didn’t do that. I think he thought, “Hey, I don’t have to do anything anymore.”

Would love to see her again if Tuesday or Thursday evening works. I got no response in 24 hours ha ha. It may have gone against your book but I did want to seem like a cold fish after sex maybe she thinks I used her.

Yeah, when you wait 10 days after you hook up like that, like I said, I would have been texting her or calling her on Monday or Tuesday trying to set up the next date, but it looks like he waited a full week, until the following week.

She even posted a story on Instagram few days ago and she watched my story yesterday that I did of golfing.

Just remember when you watch her story that communicates that you’re paying attention to her social media, it’s more mysterious to do nothing.

Now it’s the 16th, so 11 days went by. In your book you mentioned your buddy that waited two weeks and now they’ve been together eight months, so that comes to mind to keep waiting.

No you shouldn’t. You’re confusing and you’re misapplying what’s in the book, dude. The book says that you start the pursuing in the beginning. Typically most women will sleep with a guy by the second or third date, and then usually within a day or two after that, they reach out. Even he said, most girls reach out within a day or two afterwards and say what a great time they had, but this girl did not, and 10 days went by and you didn’t hear anything. It’s possible that the sex wasn’t that great after all, but after two hours of the indoor Olympics, I would assume she had many happy finishes. I don’t know, maybe he didn’t. That’s another reason why a girl will ghost you after sex. If the sex was really bad and you never hear from her again, well maybe you did not pay attention to the little man in the boat. The little hooded bandit down below. You didn’t tingle it enough. You didn’t get the victory. You didn’t get the victory laps.

Maybe another guy is in the picture, who knows?

It doesn’t matter. The bottom line is you’re not following what’s in the book. Again, this is subtle nuances. I think he said he went through it five times. That’s why I say 10 to 15 times. You miss the little subtle nuances there. You just assumed, because again, I can understand if he’s always over-pursued, if he’s always done 50/50, now he’s gone too far to the extreme of being a cold fish and not doing anything because he assumed she would reach out. It’s not the end of the world. Say he went out and this all happened on Thursday, he didn’t hear from her Monday, Tuesday, then he probably waited till the following Monday or Tuesday, which is about 10 days to reach out, which it’s not the end of the world. Again, I would have been reaching out Monday, Tuesday of the following week after you hooked up.

And I know for a fact it wasn’t the sex because she just to kept wanting more and more and said how much she liked me being inside her and kept saying how hot I was while having sex along with a lot of other hot things while at it.

Well again, that’s typically what you see. The sex wasn’t that great, but he claims it was.

Testing or disrespectful?

Well, I think the fact that 10 whole days went by and she’s got some swagger and he sent a picture or a couple pictures, she is beautiful, so I’m sure she has plenty of attention from other dudes.

To not get back to someone is a bit disrespectful to me, but she was so sweet and there was some interest.

What do you think, Coach?

Well, you didn’t follow the book. You should have been reaching out the week before, but you didn’t. Again, it’s not the end of the world.

We are both 23 years old.

This was an update and a second email he sent like a day later after he texted her and didn’t get a response.

A day later update: Saw her at the gym today this afternoon, my buddy and I were finishing up golf then decided we both hit the gym after, she was leaving as we literally were walking in, LOL! I kept it casual and just said, “What’s up?” My buddy went to go get a day pass, she started telling me some other girl at the gym today, some gossip BS. She said, “Remember that girl that use to do some Amway stuff?” (Pyramid scheme type thing). I told her, “That’s funny, we use to date while back and the girl said we would have to break up if I didn’t do Amway and I told her that’s fine. I was doing my own thing at the time.” She said, “Oh I know,” ha ha. I said, “How would you know that?” She said, “Trust me, I have eyes all over the place,” with a smirk.

Well, if they’re all part of the same peer group and kind of knew each other, that’s understandable.

I wrapped it up and said, “Well I’m here with my buddy, so I’m gonna go workout with him,” gave her a hug and kiss and smacked her ass.

Which is perfect because you’ve been all up in that before and it establishes dominance. She could have reached out, but didn’t, so she gets a little spank in the booty, which obviously she probably liked. Again, this is somebody he slept with. You don’t just go around smacking girls in the ass. You gotta be careful with that.

Later this afternoon, I get a text, “How was the lift?” Looking and laughing, thinking how funny things work.

Bob

Well, the real reason she’s reaching out is she definitely wants to see you. It’s like, “It was great. I want to see you again. I want to see your face.” Another one you could say. “What’s your schedule like?” And ask her to tell you and then make the next date.

Like I said, as the book says, you’re taking measured steps no more than one day a week that you initiate, but once she starts reaching out every couple of days, if she’s reaching out a couple times a week by that point, you shouldn’t even have to reach out at all. What happens is she starts reaching out more and more until you get to the point where you’re seeing each other just about every day. Again, he sent the pictures. She’s a babe. So the only thing I would say you fucked up was that you waited 10 days, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s clear she likes you. She’s probably playing a little hard to get. Maybe she was a little pissed off that you didn’t reach out after you hooked up and maybe she didn’t want to seem easy. So the fact that she waited a full 24 hours, then again, what if you’d never run into her? Dating is like tennis, right? So you left a message and she never got back to you. It’s possible she was going to ghost you. It’s possible there was another guy. It was possible that she got pissed off. So we don’t really know. We don’t know what her character is like. We don’t know what her attitude is like, but it’s clear she waited. Typically, when a woman waits more than 24 hours to get back to you, the interest is low or she’s pissed off. So that’s why, again, you just continue to take your measured steps and see what happens, because as her interest goes up and her emotions become engaged, if she’s insecure or a pain in the ass, she’ll start getting pissed off, butt-hurt, mad, angry at you and then doing passive aggressive things like purposely not responding to you within 24 hours just to troll you. So keep that in mind.

Like I said, other than that, I think you did great. It’s just the setting and the texting dates. Maybe he just assumed because he knew her for years that she was just going to start pursuing. Again, if you don’t hear from a girl, you reach out the following week and then you reach out the following week after that to set a date, it’s just one day a week. That’s it. If it’s only one date per week where you’re initiating all the contact because she hasn’t initiated any, plus she left you hanging, I would say more than likely, it looks like she waited 24 hours. She did it on purpose because you waited 10 days after you slept together and she probably was a little upset with that, but she was really happy to see you, and she reached out to you.

This is what women do. “How is the lift?” What she’s really saying is, “Hey, I’d love to see you.” That’s what you have to interpret it as, because she reached out. If she hadn’t reached out at all, then I would assume that would have been the end of it. Maybe she’s with somebody else, because again, he hit the ball over the net and she never did text him back. He was asking her to get together. The other thing you might say, “Well, why didn’t she tell me when she’s available?” This is just how women are. They kind of leave it up in the air. You’re supposed to be direct, decisive and know what to do with it. You’re supposed to be the appointment setter. So this is normal behavior with the way she’s reaching out. Like I said, I would assume that she did that because you roughed up her ego a little bit. She’s probably a little butt-hurt, a little upset, but the good news is you had a good interaction at the gym and now she’s reaching out. So you should assume she wants to see you and just make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Have fun with the Kate Mara lookalike. Really is a beautiful girl. So good luck on that one.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.