She Got Dumped Because She Said No To A Threesome?

Why relationships end when a couple’s goals and values are not aligned.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-two year old woman who moved in with her thirty-two year old boyfriend shortly after they started dating because it just felt right to her, despite the objections of her parents. After four months of long-distance dating, he came back home and wanted her to engage in threesomes with other women and him. She told him maybe later on down the road, once they focused more on their own relationship.

He told her a few days later that he needed a break. She is confused and upset that this happened so suddenly. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.

Obviously, she’s pretty hurt and upset because she’s just thinking, “What the hell? You’re breaking up with me because I won’t have a threesome?” So, this brings up a really interesting topic. They moved in right away before they knew each other, and also the importance of making sure your goals and values are aligned before you do anything serious or any kind of serious commitments, moving in, buying houses together, cars together, going into business together, things of that nature.

People just get in a rush. And with her being twenty-two, she probably doesn’t have a ton of experience in these kinds of matters, and she’s just going off of what “feels right.” And her parents, who obviously are older and wiser, are like, “Yeah, you should probably slow your role on that, honey. Probably not a good idea.” But, you know, who listens their parents when they’re young?

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach!

I recently went through a breakup out of the blue with the man I thought there was a great chance I’d end up with.

Well, this is where dating fantasy meets reality.

We are 10 years apart, (me – 22, him – 32), and moved in together quickly as I had a lease ending, and we loved being around each other so why not, right? We had too much in common, it just felt right.

Remember, human beings, we make our purchasing decisions, and in this case relationship choices, based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decision.

My family voiced their concerns, to which he responded, “when you know, you know.” What’s the worst that could happen? 

The breakup? Heartbreak? He comes home and wants to have threesomes after four months away? You didn’t really know each other. You only move in together once you are certain your goals and values are aligned. Just like the quote says,

“People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. That’s one of the many reasons why people should take their time dating for a year or more before living together and committing to any serious financial or business entanglements. Otherwise, people open themselves up to unnecessary and avoidable problems, drama and heartbreak when they’re unreasonable and projected dating fantasy meets reality. Major commitments should only be made when all parties involved share the same goals and values.”

And you can only learn that by having enough time together. This is kind of like, if you see too many movies, “It just it feels right. Let’s just go with it and see what happens.”

We spent 4 months of our relationship long distance while he was pursuing his dreams playing baseball. I stayed back to take care of his home and his dog as if they were my own.

Sounds like she’s got a good heart, comes from a decent family where Mom and Dad care, and they tried to counsel her. But she says, “Nope, nope, this is right. No, you guys don’t know what you’re talking about, Mom and Dad. I’m the smartest child to ever live, so therefore, rules don’t apply to me.” Lots of people have had that experience. “Be humble or you will be humbled,” as Jocko Willink says.

He ended up coming home to prioritize other aspects of his life.

Well, I say more than likely, he came home because now he felt comfortable to let you know what he was really all about. He probably moved you in there just thinking, “Once she’s comfortable, then I’ll spring it on her.”

I knew he was going through a lot at once, so I gave him the space I felt he needed. He started bringing up these women he would meet while I was at work – at the dog park, at the gym – suggesting that I meet them so I can have a few more friends that lived closer than mine. I thought he was trying to do something nice for me.

Well, I’m sure in his own mind it was nice. He was trying to help you hang out, have fun and hook up with some ladies to pleasure you and himself, obviously.

One day, he woke up immediately listing off all the things he didn’t like about me, and it ended in me packing my things and moving to my dad’s. I returned a day or two later to get the rest of my stuff, and we were able to talk it out. We got everything out on the table that we needed to, and everything seemed okay. I was beyond relieved.

So far, so good. But obviously, that’s a major red flag there. Because in the beginning of the relationship it’s like, “Hey, everything’s great, it’s amazing.” Everybody always focuses on what they love about each other, and then at the end, they focus on all the things that they think suck about you. And obviously, that’s where he was.

He was trying to label you and belittle you, and therefore he wouldn’t feel so bad about ditching you so he could go pursue what he wanted when he realized you weren’t going to give it to him.

He told me that the idea of being with one person for the rest of his life scared him, and that he would eventually like to experiment with bringing other people into the bedroom with us.

Well, you’ve got to have the same goals and values for that or not. And so obviously, he had these feelings and these intuitions before you guys got together. He just figured he’d fly under the radar, and because you cared about him and loved him, eventually you would say yes.

And sometimes, you know, that does work. But in this case, because they didn’t really know each other, they just moved right in and then it sounds like he disappeared because he was playing baseball for four months. So, they really never got to know each other really well day in and day out, good days, bad days, average days.

I shared that I’d definitely be open to having that conversation down the road, but I wanted to focus on us first. The next day, two days before my birthday, he told me about a girl he met and talked to about this situation. She was all for it. Honestly, I was offended that we spoke about this the day before and he ignored how I felt.

Well, he was focusing on what he felt.

This time, he told me he thought he needed a break. I was just hurt and wasn’t sure how to respond, so I left.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, if you weren’t down with threesomes, you should have left. Simple as that. This is one of those, “Ahh, now I see what this guy’s really like.” This is why you don’t move in with somebody right away, because you didn’t know this guy and he didn’t know you.

He was flying under the radar, he was concealing who he really was, and then once he felt really comfortable, because you’ve been living in his house taking care of his dog for four months, he comes back and he tells you what he’s really all about.

Ever since, he has treated me like I meant nothing to him. He has been nothing but hateful, and I am just confused where I went wrong.

Well, you shouldn’t have moved in with him right away. You should have listened to your parents.

Or what I did to make him switch up on me like that.

It’s not that he switched up on you. He just finally felt comfortable enough revealing who he really was. So, you got burned because you were young, you’re naive, you’re inexperienced. You thought you were going to show Mom and Dad a thing or two, because you had found the perfect man, and you were going to show them how great and spectacular your relationship was compared to theirs. And like Jocko says, “Be humble, or you will be humbled.” Your parents love you, and they tried to counsel you, but hey, “you’ve got to let her make her own mistakes.” It is what it is.

In a matter of minutes, he went from my best friend to what seemed like my worst enemy.

Well, this is called reality. This is called your projected fantasy meeting the reality of what he’s really like.

I’m at a loss, so I thought, “who might be able to help me gain some peace of mind?” I couldn’t come up with a better person than Coach Corey Wayne. 

Jessica

Well, I’m happy to oblige and tell you the way it is. The bottom line is your goals and values are not aligned. You bought the image of who he wanted you to believe he was. So, again, this is why you date somebody, because people can hide who they are for the first ninety days and you kind of blew past that rule, moved in and then he disappeared for four months. And then, like I said, when he came back, he felt comfortable being who he really was, and he felt no inhibitions to that.

It’s understandable from your perspective why you’re like, “Who is this dude?” because he changed, as far as you’re concerned, but he was putting on an act. Everybody puts on an act. They put their best foot forward, they give you an image of who they want you to buy they are. And then once they figure that you get hooked and you really know who they are, they tell you about all the skeletons in the closet and figure that you’ll just love them for who they are and put up with it. So, it’s a painful lesson.

It sucks, but men do it all the time as well. They move in with girls and they find out she’s a train wreck, cheated on every guy she’s ever been with, she’s still flirting with other dudes. I mean, it happens. This is why, like Rumi said, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush,” especially stuff like this. You can’t hurry love, just like this old song goes. You just have to wait. So, you’ve got to take your time.

You know, ideally a year or two of dating and really getting to know each other, each other’s families, because also, if you’re going to get married, or live together and have a family, whether you get married or not, you’re going to be intertwined with each other’s families. And so, you’ve got to figure out, “Do I even like their family? Do I like hanging out with them? Do I see myself hanging out with them?”

And vice versa, “Does my family like them?” You should be saying, “Mom, Dad, you guys are right. I love you. I should have listened to you. I got my humble pie.” So, now you see the guy for what he is.

Again, this is why you date, you test drive. Obviously, you kind of did an extended test drive. But the reality is, it doesn’t sound like your goals and values are aligned, unless you change it up and you decide you want to give him what he wants. But he doesn’t sound like he’s the type of guy that’s going to be with one woman forever. So, that’s reality.

You look at his actions. You know, maybe he needs another ten years of sowing his oats. Maybe that’s the way he’s going to be. You have to make sure that your goals are values are aligned. And from what you shared, they’re not. It’s not your fault, but you know, you learned a valuable lesson. So, next time around, “do betterer.” Don’t make the same mistake. Take your time.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or professional life, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.

“People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. That is just one of many reasons why people should take their time dating for a year or more before living together and committing to any serious financial or business entanglements. Otherwise, people open themselves up to unnecessary and avoidable problems, drama and heartbreak when their unreasonable and projected dating fantasy meets reality. Major commitments should only be made when all parties involved share the same goals and values.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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