What you should do if your girl has low standards, is gaining weight and letting herself go.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been studying my work for 3 1/2 years after a 17-year marriage ended. He met his now ex-girlfriend in 2019. She has slowly been gaining weight, letting herself go and is not participating in her own rescue. They recently broke up after he was honest about how he really felt.
Now he is in no contact, feels guilty and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reality is she’s just letting herself go. She doesn’t love herself enough to take care of her body. And the reality is, it’s not your job to fix her. It’s not your job to save her. You have to take care of yourself. Just like Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” Two people come together to share their completeness. And if two people come together to share their completeness, and one of them just basically says, “Hey, I’m going to let myself go and gain whatever amount of weight that I gain, and you’re just going to have to love me and put up with it regardless,” that’s not what you signed up for.
You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, and, unfortunately, in his ex-girlfriend’s case, she’s not willing to do anything. Over the last close to 20 years, I’ve been doing this, I’ve had lots of phone sessions over the years with guys that got into exactly the same situation. They try positive reinforcement. They go work out with her, and their girlfriends or their wives just absolutely won’t do it. They won’t take care of themselves. They’re just content to let themselves go, to let their muscles atrophy, and they just expect somebody to accept them as they are. And if you want a teammate and an equal, you don’t want to become a caretaker for somebody that is just going to basically neglect their body.
He still feels kind of guilty, because there’s obviously a lot of things he cares about and loves about her, but she’s content to let herself go. It’s not your job to fix or to save somebody. And, at the end of the day, nobody’s coming to fix or save her if she won’t participate in her own rescue. It’s just like somebody that’s got a drug or alcohol problem. If they don’t recognize that they have a problem and they’re not willing to do anything about it, there’s nothing anybody can do to help them until they get to the point where they’ve hit rock bottom and they’re like, “Enough of this. This is not good enough anymore.”
And the same thing with her. She’s going to have to learn the hard way that she’s lost this this boyfriend that she had. And if she’s not willing to do anything, she’s going to severely limit the options of guys that are going to be willing to date her. And that’s just the harsh reality in life. If you’re taking care of yourself, and going to the gym and looking good and feeling good, but your significant other just doesn’t give a damn about themselves, you deserve to have somebody that has the same goals and same values. From a physical fitness value perspective, she just doesn’t share that value. And if she’s content to let herself go and you’re not, you’re just simply not compatible. That’s not your fault. It’s the way she is. She made her choice.
I know there are lots of guys that are in this situation. I mean, the numbers are horrible – 74% of Americans are either overweight or they’re obese. I mean, all you’ve got to do is look at a video from the 1970s and 1980s. Especially when I was growing up in the 80s, people that were overweight were kind of an anomaly. You didn’t see them very often. But now, pretty much everybody is overweight or obese. All you’ve got to do is just walk down the street. It’s a night and day difference. Something has definitely changed in the last 30+ years.
Dear Coach Corey,
I picked up 3% Man and watched videos about 3 1/2 year ago after a separation of 17-year marriage. I read the book about 5-6 times at that time.
So, another guy that read enough to get some success, but he didn’t read it to 10 to 15 times.
Each time I read the book, I read it differently. The first time, I read the book non-stop. The second reading, I googled all the areas you recommend. The third reading, I made note of all of the books you reference, such as Doc Love, The Way of the Superior Man, etc. I got those books and read those – Doc Love, so hilarious and true.
Doc Love has since passed away. He was kind of like The Godfather. I learned a lot of this stuff and passed it on. I’m just one of many caretakers of that – temporary caretakers, because we’re all dust in the wind anyway.
The fourth time reading, I tried to examine in detail – recommendations in the book that I had missed or didn’t follow, such as writing down the type of woman I wanted to attract, etc. Then I re-read it two more times. (Yes, yes, I know I need to read it another 10 times)
In November 2019, I met a girl at one of my friends Dad’s funeral.
Well, that’s an unusual place. I had a guy I did a phone session with recently that met somebody at a funeral. Isn’t that interesting?
I remembered briefly meeting her about 20 years earlier and thought she was beautiful, but due to age difference at the time, I would never even think about pursuing her. Later, I would find out she had been separated about 5 years, about the same time frame as myself. I left funeral without getting her contact information, but as events would unfold in the coming months, the Universe brought things together as I have never witnessed in my life.
What’s meant for you won’t miss you. I have come to find, that is accurate.
I contacted her in May 2020, and due to Covid, made a video date. I ordered her dinner to be dropped off at her home, so we could eat as we video chatted. This led to an actual date and we fell in love and had the time of our lives. I made lots and lots of opportunities to have fun and hook up. I referenced the book often and tried to keep the romance alive, but recently we broke up.
When we met, I noticed she was a little on the heavier side; but she had a personal trainer visit her twice a week.
This is important. You’ve got to love somebody as they are, not fall in love with their potential. “Wow, she’d be really great if she lost that weight. But hey, she’s got a personal trainer, so I’ll wait it out.” That’s the kind of thing, that you should date and not get serious with somebody if you don’t see them making progress. The reality is she got that big to begin with. Now, it happens. People let themselves go, they go through a difficult time. Most people don’t do anything about it. But self-reliant people, they’ll lose the weight. They’ll get in shape. Usually when somebody leaves them.
If you’ve seen any of the the podcasts that we do with Kuang – because Kuang owns a CrossFit gym, we’ve done some videos on that – and he kind of goes through the cycle, like how long it takes. Typically, they come back, and in 90 days they get in shape. Within six months, they’ve met somebody. Six months after that, neither him nor his new girlfriend are coming in the gym anymore. And then a year, year and a half later, they’re both back in the gym because the relationship ended and they’re both trying to get in shape. It’s like, people get in shape and take care of themselves when they’re trying to find somebody, and then when they find somebody, they just revert back to the mean.
So, I felt she was on the right track. And the fact she was pretty helped me overlook the weight.
So, you didn’t see reality as it was. You knew she was big. She was big when you met her, and you were like, “Oh, I can work with this.” You were liking her for her potential, so that’s on you. Because, as we’ll see, and as Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “current events form future trends.” If she’s big now, she’ll probably be big in the future, especially if she’s been big for a long time. And if she’s big now, she’ll probably get bigger. I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but that’s reality.
You’ve got to take care of your body. It’s all based upon what you put in your mouth. I mean, 95% of being in shape is what you put in your mouth. The other 5% is the actual working out. And you don’t have to be Mr. Olympia. The key is to be disciplined and be consistent, decade in and decade out. Not be real big and buff when you’re in your twenties, and then you get into your thirties and you just house, which is what happens to a lot of those guys.
I have a personal rule for both men and women, “your stomach should not be bigger than your chest.” If it is, work hard to get things in line before you get to a stage where it becomes impossible.
Well, it sounds like you did not follow that personal rule. So, again, that’s on you. That was your best thinking at the time. You thought, “I can fix her. She’s a fixer upper, but she’s got potential.”
About a year into the relationship, her trainer left. She got busy at work and started to gain some weight.
I wouldn’t say she got started to gain ‘some’ weight. She gained more weight.
She joined a gym, but rarely went.
That just shows her value system. She doesn’t care. She thinks that she’s got you.
My attraction towards her started going down as her shape started to change. I tried so many things and gave so many hints, some from your book, but nothing got her on track.
She didn’t care. And so, notice what he says next. This is telling of her mindset and her attitude. Now remember these are her responses to his positive reinforcement, and so it gives you a window into her mindset and her self-talk.
And remember, people are going to act consistently with how they view themselves to be. And it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not, they’re going to act consistent with how they see themselves. And so, you’ll see here, she basically sees herself as a fat, out of shape woman, “a fat pig” she later referred to herself, but she’s not willing to do anything about it. She just thinks, “Well, he’s got to love me the way I am, no matter how big I get.”
She would say things like…
1. “If you want a skinny girlfriend, you’ll have to find another girlfriend.”
That right there just says, “Hey, if you want me to be fit and in shape, it’s not going to happen. I’m not interested in doing that, and I don’t care.” And she says, “go find somebody else.” That was a take it or leave it. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And she just basically just said, “Yeah, if it means the relationship ends because I’m not skinny, well, then you’ve got to find somebody else.”
To which I responded, “I want a healthy and fit girlfriend, not a skinny girlfriend. I love the way you feel when we are close.”
Yeah, I would have said, “Well, if you’re just telling me that physical fitness is not one of your values and not only do you not care about getting in shape, you’re going to continue to gain weight and get more out of shape, I don’t want to be your caretaker as we get older. I don’t want to be pushing you around in a wheelchair. If you don’t love yourself enough to exercise and eat healthy, that’s on you. Maybe you’ll find somebody that’ll love you that way, but that’s not me.
2. “I don’t like the way some pictures make me look fat, so please delete them. I don’t take good pictures.”
You don’t take good pictures because you’re fat. He didn’t say that, but… So, in other words, instead of looking at ourselves and going, “Wow, I look disgusting,” or “I look out of shape,” or “I don’t look as pretty as I used to,” she’s like, “I’d just rather not see it. I’ll just pretend it’s not there.”
I would be thinking, “Pictures give us information about ourselves; why not try to improve what we don’t like, instead of ignoring it?”
Because that’s your girlfriend’s value system. She just doesn’t care. She doesn’t value physical fitness. Ignoring the truth doesn’t make it go away, but in her case, she’s going to try anyway.
3. “This bathing suit does not support me well, so pics don’t look good.”
Oh, it’s the bathing suit that caused you to look that way.
I would be thinking, “This bathing suit needs less to support.”
4. “I like a big, strong man like you. I don’t want to break the man if I am on top of him.”
That’s basically saying, “Not only am I a big, beautiful woman, but I’m going to get even bigger. And he’s going to have to put up with it.”
And I would be gasping for air but acted as if nothing was wrong.
Yeah, dude. Honestly, after that, it’s like, you’re both kind of delusional, not really seeing reality as it is. It sounds like she was always big, and you would hope that she would lose the weight and become what you wanted. And instead, she went the opposite way. So, that’s on you. You knew what you were getting into.
This is why you can’t fall in love with somebody’s potential. You’ve got to see them as they are and assume that they’re going to probably stay that way. And if you had seen that, you would have been like, “Wow, not only is she big now, but she’ll probably get even bigger.” And she did. She was consistent. Quite frankly, I know you felt like you had chemistry and everything, but you should have never gotten involved. Maybe you should have hooked up a few times, but been like, “Yeah, she’s beautiful and everything, but she don’t take care of herself.”
Needless to say, as my attraction went down, I wasn’t into her. The bedroom was still great, but out and about, not so much. She caught on to my drop in attraction but could not connect the dots. Finally, on the second day of our (out of country) vacation, we had a fight, and with great pain and resentment, I had revealed my feelings.
Well, at least after three and a half years, you were finally honest with her.
She cried and said, “You think I am a fat pig. You are so shallow.”
So, “it’s not my fault that I’m a fat pig. It’s your fault for acknowledging that I’m a fat pig.” It’s the same thing with the body positivity movement. It’s just making excuses for being unhealthy and eating yourself to death. Eating yourself and drinking yourself into an early grave. I’ve seen so many of those people that are into ‘body positivity’ that are usually just ginormous women.
There was one last year, or the year before – she was like 43, 44, just huge, hundreds of pounds, stuffing her face, doing videos, “body positivity!” – dropped dead of a fucking heart attack. Dumb ass woman literally ate herself to death. She was smiling and smirking and laughing at people that were laughing at her. She’s dead now. Her life’s over. It’s such a tragedy.
It had taken me 9 months of struggle to fix things without being direct. I felt horrible, but relieved.
Well, you’ve got to be honest, dude. And to hold that in for all that time… And you knew she was big when you started dating, and you were just hoping she was going to lose the weight, or you could cajole her into losing it and becoming what you wanted, instead of seeing reality as it was, “She’s big now. She’ll probably be bigger in the future.”
Some guys like that, whatever, but it’s not healthy. That’s a fact of life. And everybody that says differently is just simply delusional. Otherwise, these body positivity people wouldn’t be dropping dead of heart attacks in their thirties and early forties.
The next day, we decided we were going to enjoy our vacation together on this paradise resort, so we completely ignored the fight and enjoyed each other and resort. Our affection never stopped. Once we got back, within a week we broke up.
I have reviewed your information on the “no contact rule” and am following it. Just reading and listening to your material gave me courage and peace. Thank you. I also found the video, “My Girlfriend Gained Weight & Is Letting Herself Go.”
How my situation differs is that even though weight wise she let herself go, she still has impeccable skin, hair, nails, etc. and is very pretty.
Yeah, but you don’t want all the extra weight. Again, you’ve got to see it as it is.
The other difference is her mother had a face and body of a model and still remains slim and trim.
All that typically means is there’s a good chance that she would stay that way. But if we look at her actions, she’s content to be fat. And those four points that we read out, in her belief system, she’s convinced that there’s nothing she has to do about it, nor does she desire to do anything about it. She’s like, “This is how I am. Love it or leave it.”
At this point, I am deeply hurt, but at peace with the universe, as I was able to feel love and romance again. I cherish my time with this girl.
Well, that’s all that matters. As long as you’re happy, that’s the only thing that really matters at the end of the day. If you’re happy, if you can look at your life and be proud of it, that’s all that matters. Who cares what anybody else thinks, because there’s going to be plenty of people that aren’t going to like the way you live. Just like they don’t like the way I live. It’s like, I don’t give a fuck.
I would love to continue this relationship, but don’t want to babysit an adult, (i.e. nag her to lose weight.) She has to simply recognize this herself.
Yeah, and until she’s willing to participate in her own rescue, which quite frankly, at this point, just from everything I’ve read, it doesn’t sound like that’s in the cards for her. Maybe she’ll get tired of being single. Maybe she’ll get a cat lady starter kit and get a bunch of kittens. Anything’s possible. But, at the end of the day, us guys, men are visual creatures and we want a woman that looks good and takes care of herself.
And if she’s just content to let her self become ratchet, that’s on her. If she doesn’t love herself enough to exercise and take care of herself – if she wants to just atrophy and turn into a bag of bones, literally, as she gets older, or in this case, Jabba the Hutt – that’s on her if she wants to be that way. Maybe she’ll find somebody and they can be morbidly obese together, and go spend all their days during the week at doctor’s offices as they get older, trying to take pills and things. Anything to avoid exercise and taking care of their body.
If you have any advice, please share. Otherwise, I will take some time to recover from this relationship, then go on to discover what else the Universe has in its plans for me.
Peace out and God bless you for your wonderful work.
Well, I would say the big thing is, don’t date big women. Don’t date women that are already overweight and hope that they’re going to change for you. This is just like the woman that falls in love with the bad boy and thinks she’s going to change him and fix him. That’s what you did. You thought, “Oh, I’ve got a fixer upper, here. It should be perfect. If she could just lose this weight, she’d be great.” But instead she kept getting bigger, and you stayed with her until she literally almost smothered you to death in the bedroom. But hey, some guys like that, whatever floats your boat. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters, my man.
But, like I said, dating somebody that’s overweight from the get-go is not a good way to go. Especially when they have the attitude that she does. She’s just going to continue to get bigger, which she did, because that’s her value system. Her value system communicates that it doesn’t matter. So, you just don’t have to participate. You don’t have to get into a relationship with somebody like that. You can just keep it moving.
Just say, “I like you, but physical fitness is a big part of my life, and I need somebody that’s going to be healthy, and be a good teammate, and be a good influence on me, because I’m kind of lazy myself, to be honest with you. And if I date somebody that’s not exercising, not taking care of themselves six months a year, I’ll probably be just as lazy and not taking care of myself. And I don’t want to have health problems, so I need somebody with a similar value system. But you’re great. We can have fun until I find the right girl. But just understand, I’m going to move on at some point, probably in the near future.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur