She Has No Enthusiasm To See, Touch or Be Close To Me

What it means when your girl has no enthusiasm to see, touch or be close to you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who is now long distance from his girlfriend for the next year. He started acting like a needy beta male and turned her off. Now she doesn’t treat him like he’s a priority.

The 2nd email is from a 54-year-old viewer who has been married for 2 years. He says his relationship is great, except for their sex life. He always initiates it, but it is quick and she seems to have no enthusiasm for him. He suspects that she is cheating on him, but he has no evidence. Both of these guys are in relationships with women who for various reasons, have low enthusiasm and attraction for them. I discuss how they can raise it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for a little over a year now and have read your book 4 times, on my 5^th read now. I’m aiming on reading it 10-15 times over the course of the next month.

So, you’ve been following me for a year. It’s so amazing, because any of you guys that are very avid readers, that are familiar with the book, you’ve probably tried to recommend it to lots of your friends and your family, and you typically are going to get a less than enthusiastic response. “Oh, I’m too busy. I don’t have time for that right now. I’ve got to get my tennis elbow fixed.” There’s always an excuse. But as soon as there is emotional pain, the girl doesn’t want to sleep with them, friend zones them, wife says she’s leaving, or whatever, then they’re like, “Okay, I’ve got to learn this.”

And so, it wasn’t until things really started to go sideways that this guy now has actually gotten serious about learning the material. That’s what’s so amazing. Us guys, we tend to be egocentric and we don’t want to admit that we need help, especially when it comes to the ladies. Therefore, we’ll just flail.

It’s the same reason back in the old days before GPS and we had physical maps. If you got lost, you had to stop and ask for directions. And typically guys would be like, “No, I can figure it out.” And the girl would be like, “”Oh, let’s stop. Let’s ask somebody.” He’s like, “No, I’ll figure it out.” Because us guys, we don’t want to admit that we’re wrong, or we don’t know what we’re doing, or that we’re lost. We don’t want to look like we can’t figure it out.

So, if you’re trying to get your friends and family to read my book, unless they’re in immediate pain that they need help with, they’re probably not going to listen. I mean, very few people are open or even study self-help or any kind of mindset book.

My girlfriend and I have been long distance since I moved to Boston in October, and she stayed in Florida. She’s on a gap year and was applying for medical schools and things were great between us up until she began to lose hope that she’d get into any schools. In February when I was visiting, I found myself being a beta male, apologizing frequently, and even let a ‘thank you’ slip out after we had sex on my birthday for the first time in a month.

“Oh, thanks for the sex, babe. Thanks for throwing me a bone. Thanks for the mercy lay.”

It then got to the point where she told me she wasn’t sure when she wanted me to visit next, and that she’d be “very busy and not a lot of fun this summer.”

In other words, what she’s saying is, “Yeah, I don’t really care to see you.” It’s like, “Eh.” So, it’s obvious there’s a significant loss of attraction. And he’d like to blame it on school and other things, which can be a contributing factor, but if you’re acting like a beta male and you’re thanking her for having sex with you after the first time in a month, it’s obvious you’re seeking her attention and validation, and not the other way around.

You’ve basically assumed the woman’s role in the relationship and have screwed up the sexual polarity. That’s what really needs to be addressed. But us guys, being egocentric, we don’t want to admit it’s our fault. We didn’t do anything to screw it up. It’s just got to be that she’s busy with school. It can’t be anything we did. Of course, acting like a beta male and begging for sex and attention, and then when she gives it to us, we’re like, “Oh, thanks, Your Highness. Thanks for sleeping with me and having sex. Oh, boy. I feel so much better now.”

Our sex life was great before she expressed that she felt she was gaining a bit of weight and felt self-conscious about how she looked, and whenever I visit, we typically only have sex once if at all.

Well, there is a process: hang out, have fun and hook up. The seduction process is laid out for you in the book. But if you’re begging her for attention and validation, more than likely, this guy is probably doing most of the pursuing at this point as well. I mean, he admits that he was a beta male.

I made plans to fly to Florida as part of my job and didn’t tell her until the day of my flight because she was being short with my texts and rarely asked things about me, so I felt she just didn’t care a lot about my life.

Well, if you look at her actions, it’s obvious her interest was low. And so, yeah, she doesn’t really care. When a woman’s interest is high, she wants to be a part of your life, your business, your career. Anything she can interject herself into she wants to be a part of, because you’re her man, you’re her rock, you’re her mountain. And when her interest is low, yeah, she really doesn’t care. She doesn’t care at all. And you can tell this woman just really ain’t into it.

When I got into town, she was blowing up my phone saying she felt bad and that she was getting an odd vibe from me not telling her I was in the same state as her again, and she asked if I wanted to visit her.

So you see where this guy is just so soft. He’s such a pushover. He’s completely abdicated any kind of leadership position and basically made her the man in the relationship. And you’ll see, here’s another example in a sec.

Deep down I wanted to tell her that I didn’t feel wanted to and that I’ve put in all the effort to visit her, so why should I make the effort to go all the way up to where she was living in Gainesville if she wasn’t going to make the effort to come down to Sarasota.

Well, this is why you read the book 10 to 15 times, because you sound like a whinge bag and a mangina talking like that. That’s the wrong mindset. You should have just had the mindset like, “Oh, sorry, babe. It’s business, but I’d love to see you. Why don’t you drive down to Sarasota, and get out of Gainesville for the weekend. Come see me in Sarasota.” And if she doesn’t, just say, “Alright, well, next time, we’ll get together. It’s too bad. Let me know if you change your mind. I’ve got to run, hun. I’ve got a meeting to go to.” Click. But no, that’s not what he did.

I ended up driving up to Gainesville to stay with her, and she asked how long I was staying for.

He probably imposed on her and said, “So, can I come see you in Gainesville, please?”

When I told her I’d be driving back and forth but hoped to stay through next week, she told me, “I’m going to be very busy next week,” as if I was not.

So, in other words, “Yeah, I don’t really want you to staying.” See, it’s like your whole mindset, everything, you’re just begging this woman to spend time with you, to pay attention to you. This is the opposite of what the book teaches. I know you claim to have read it 4 or 5 times, but nothing has changed. Your mindset is the opposite. If you keep behaving like this, she’s just going to ghost you, probably.

Then upon asking her to join me and my family for St. Patrick’s Day dinner in Sarasota, she said she was helping our old rowing coach take engagement photos and couldn’t.

Aw shucks, taking pictures with her old rowing coach. “Gosh darn it! Oh, the chance to spend time with you and your family? I just can’t make it.” It just shows it’s not that important to her. You’re not important to her. Her interest is super low, dude. And you may have read the book a few times, but again, you’re not even doing remotely close to what it suggests.

It seems very clear to me that I am not a priority to her at this moment. I don’t want to fall under the illusion of action, and I feel that the best course of action is to back up, match and mirror her actions and prioritize other things in my life over her. What do you think?

Thank you in advance,

Bob

That’s exactly what you should be doing. But obviously, up until this moment in time, you have not. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And since she wasn’t paying much attention and then you told her, “Hey, I’m in Florida,” I would have made her come to see you. And if she wasn’t willing to do that, you should have said, “Alright, call me if you change your mind.”

You don’t give your attention to somebody that doesn’t appreciate it and value it, because the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. And if you’re constantly trying to give it to somebody that just doesn’t care, it shows that you don’t value your time either. So, if you’re willing to let her waste it, obviously, it’s not very valuable. So, you should have been following what the book teaches instead of continuing to do the opposite. It’s clear you’ve overpursued you’ve acted weak.

I mean, when you’re thanking her for having sex with you, and then you’re only having sex one time when you get together, it’s like a pity lay, pity sex. You’ve got to do better, man. You can’t just read the book, and do the opposite, and be shocked that your your girlfriend’s pussy is drier than a bucket of sand. If you had been following what the book teaches, she’d be all over you. She’d be wanting sex more than you wanted. But if you act like a girl, you’re going to get treated like a platonic friend that she has no interest in spending time with.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

I have been an avid follower of yours since I discovered you a few years ago. Yes, I have read the book, maybe 30 times? I still listen to it on Audible every now and then. If you ever need someone to give a TEDx talk on your book, I would be a great choice to deliver the information impactfully. 

Well, as long as you’re actually applying it.

I am 54, and my wife is 56. It is a 2nd marriage for us both, (little over 2 years married now, both fit and attractive). We have a good marriage except when it comes to our sex life I am baffled. Yes, I understand and still use the table of attraction levels frequently. I make certain she has my full presence, she knows she is heard and understood, we communicate and do not argue. I “give” with no attachment to an expectation, (I just like to give).

But is she giving back? That’s the important thing. You got to pay attention to what’s coming back.

I do my best to be aware of how I “show up” when we are together. I treat her like a lover, not just a friend. I am not her lap dog. I do have a backbone, and she knows this. I honestly do keep the “courtship” alive.

Well, what about your life, though? What about your friends, your family, your hobbies, your interests, the things that you used to do before you met her? Are you still doing those? Or has your life completely gotten to the point where it revolves around her? Or have you made your wife your purpose now? Because it sounds a little bit like you’ve kind of lost yourself.

It is “I” that always initiates sex. I do not beg. Sex is not worth that much to me.

Well, if you’re always initiating sex, that tells me you probably spend too much time with her and not enough time away. Do you ever go out with the boys and have some beers? Do you go hang out with your parents, if they’re still alive? What do you do? What about your hobbies, your interests? Did you give all of those things up, and now your wife is the sole source of your your social life? Because two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another.

And if you’re always initiating sex, that tells me every time you’re around her, she never plays with her hair, she never touches your arm. She never bumps into you, never gets close, never rubs up against you. If that’s going on, that tells me that she’s bored with you. That tells me she’s not that into it, she’s not feeling it. Maybe she’s going through menopause, I don’t know. But, at the end of the day, you married this girl just two years ago. What was your sex life then? Was it better then? Has it declined?

When I do so, I have to make an effort. It’s nuts to the length I have to go so that she gets the idea. She has never been the one to initiate.

Well, why did you marry her then? Why wouldn’t you marry somebody that’s extremely passionate about you?

I have communicated my fantasies, (no holding back either), and turn-ons, so there are no guessing games – yourstandard guy turn-ons, nothing outlandish or weird.

And she won’t do any of it?

I have communicated this more than once, but she does not act on them.

Why doesn’t she act on them? Because she doesn’t care. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t care to make you happy. Maybe this was going on before you guys got married, and you just didn’t pay attention to it. But it’s kind of late in the game here to be going, “Oh, you know what? She doesn’t do anything for me.”

When we do have sex, it is generally the missionary mambo, (late at night, dark house, her mother is asleep, door locked, etc.). 

Oh, so do you live with her parents? Or did you move her mother in with you because she’s elderly? That sucks. I mean, with missionary, if you just bend her her legs back and put her on the bugs, and take a nice long time thrusting in and out on top of her body 10, 15, 20 minutes, you should be giving her multiple orgasms. If you know what you’re doing, it’s an easy position to get your girl off. Is she really super enjoying the sex? If she’s not having multiple orgasms, then it’d be no wonder she’s not that into it.

To me, it ALWAYS feels like pity sex, (or sex just given with a hurry up attitude from her). 

Again, that tells me that she’s not into it. She’s not feeling it.

99% it is just quick intercourse. 

What does that mean? You blow your wad and you’re in and out. Two pump, chump? Come on, dude. If you’re going to have sex with her, you’ve got to make sure she’s having multiple orgasms. And if you’re just 99% quick intercourse, then yeah, it’s not going to be enjoyable for her. Why would she even want to have sex with you? So, something has definitely been missed here. You either married a girl that wasn’t that into you, or you got sloppy along the way, or the sex was never that good, and you married her anyway. Why would you marry a woman that’s been treating you this way.

Boring to the point I’d rather just take out the trash and watch grass grow. I have been direct but calm when discussing this issue with my wife. She promises to try to do better, but nothing changes. 

You know why nothing changes? Because she doesn’t care, she ain’t feeling it, For whatever reason, she ain’t feeling it. Probably because, again, you’re too focused on her and maybe you’ve given up on your interests. So, go be busy. Come home later, leave earlier. Instead of spending the weekend with her, go do things with your friends. Go where you’re celebrated and you’re wanted. If your wife treats you like a second class citizen, then go be busy and do things without her. And give her the gift of missing you. Be the one coming home late. Have a life outside of her. That may be part of the problem.

I have asked about her “fantasies”, and she says she has none, which is BS, this is impossible. I have offered her your standard female fantasies, no dice. 

Yeah, but you can’t talk her into having a fantasy. That’s something that you discuss and you play around with when she’s aroused. It’s like you’re approaching this like a clinical doctor. “Tell me your fantasies, and I will do these to you, Your Highness.”

She has a toy cabinet, I asked her what she thinks about when she is playing with herself, she will not say or states something like “just you.” (Yeah, right.)

Yeah, I can just tell by the email that she’s not into it, she’s not feeling it. And you’re extremely focused on her and the fact that she’s not giving you what you want. And that tells me that you’re probably spending too much time with her, and you don’t have any hobbies or interests outside of her. You’re probably smothering the hell out of her. So, there’s no space, no time alone. Plus, you know, her mother is living in the house. Or maybe you’re living at her house. I don’t really know what’s going on. He didn’t elaborate.

I have told her I am willing to make her fantasies come true. She replies, once again, she has no sexual fantasies. 

Yeah, again, you’re trying to talk her into getting turned on. That’s not how it works, dude.

I tell her that is not possible. She did once admit to being bi-curious, (hell yes, great for me, I am in), but that is all.

Yeah, this woman is definitely not in love with you. I don’t see any kind of passion in her towards you. And I don’t know why that is, because the way you frame the email, you make it sound like she’s just not that into sex. It’s possible she’s going through menopause, or has some kind of physical thing, but in general, there’s just no enthusiasm. Even when you tell her what you want her to do to you, she doesn’t do it. And the only reason she doesn’t do it is because she doesn’t have an emotionally compelling reason. And the emotionally compelling reason is a lack of interest, a lack of passion for you.

I ask specifically, what are her turn-ons? She always replies, “Oh, I really do not know”. 

She just doesn’t care to tell you, because she’s not into it. She’s not feeling it.

She has plenty of lingerie, war paint, and alluring clothing that she wears to work, (well maybe not the lingerie), but by the time I get home, it’s just an old shirt and jeans. 

Yeah, she’s not dressing up for you and looking hot because, again, she doesn’t care. She looks hot at work, but when she comes home, she looks like a bum. So, it shows that she just doesn’t want to look hot for her man. Why doesn’t she want to look hot for her man? Because she’s not feeling the attraction. I can’t tell from your email because, again, the way you’ve worded it, you make it sound like it’s all her fault. But it just sounds like you stopped being the guy that she was into. But maybe it was never really there. Maybe the passion wasn’t ever really there, and you just married her anyway because you were lonely. I don’t know. I’m only going off of what you tell me.

At this point, I think she is cheating on me and is very good at hiding it. There are no telltale signs though, those I know well. However, she does have a second job that is at night and works several evenings a month. 

Well, is she getting all dressed up at night for her night job? Did she come home and take a shower as soon as she gets home and then want to hang out with you?

What do you think? Video or not, I’d love your input please sir.

Very respectfully,

Bob

Well, again, like I said, the way you framed it, you just kind of made it sound like she’s just not interested in sex. But there is a total lack of enthusiasm and passion from her towards you. And I know you say you’re looking at the interest level table, but when a woman is in love with you, she wants to be close to you, and touch you, and have sex with you all the time. And if she doesn’t, it’s because she’s not feeling it. And so, something is going on here.

You’re either spending too much time with her and you’re smothering her, or you’re seeking her attention and validation, and you’re waiting on her hand and foot. And in that case, I’d say, go get busy. Go visit your family, go visit your friends. Go hang out with your guys, have a guys night out, maybe a guys weekend. Go hunting or something. Go fishing with your friends, and let her be.

The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if somebody’s not appreciating your attention, then go give it to somebody who does. Go hang out with people that are excited to see you. Let her wonder about you, where you’re at, what you’re doing, what you’re up to, what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. Because when you’re around somebody like this and she acts like you’re just another lampshade, and then you continue to get upset that she’s not excited to be around you, that’s part of the problem. That tells me that you’re focused on her and making her your the center of your life.

It’s like, on some level, you stopped doing what you were doing that caused her to fall in love. But it doesn’t even sound like there was that much passion when you got married, so why did you get married in the first place? Like I said, maybe you were just a lonely guy and you wanted to have somebody, and she was the best thing that came along. But something is definitely off here. And like I said, based on the information he’s provided, there’s not enough here to go off of for me to be able to tell what potentially he’s doing.

But he really is focused on her a lot, so that tells me, just like the first guy, he’s probably giving her way too much attention. When you give your attention to somebody and they don’t appreciate it, then go give it to somebody else. It doesn’t mean go out on a date with somebody else. It just means go hang out with your buddies, go hang out with your friends, go to the man cave. Go have a guys weekend. Go fishing, go hunting with your buddies for 3 or 4 days, and do things away from her. Go hang out with your friends.

You know she’s got a job at night, or whatever. It’s like, be busy doing other things. Let her wonder about you and what you’re up to. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And both of these women have the power, they know they have the power, and they’re really not that into it. And yet the guys keep hanging around, hoping to talk them into or use logic and reason to cause them to like them more and want to sleep with them more, and that’s just simply not how it works. It’s in the book. But if you’re reading the book and then just continuing on with this kind of effort, you’re doing the opposite of what it teaches.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.