She Has Trust Issues & Is Unsure She Wants To Be With Me

What you should do if your girl has trust issues & is unsure she wants to be with you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who’s in limbo with a woman he was dating that clearly lost respect and attraction for him. They’ve gotten together several times and she still says she’s unsure. He says he doesn’t want to be in limbo.

He wonders if she’s reached her breaking point and simply wants to end the relationship and move on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this email is from a guy who looks like he’s pretty new to my work. He’s in a relationship and it’s clear that his girlfriend has lost attraction and respect for him, and he’s kind of mistakenly thinking that attraction is a light switch. You just turn it on or turn it off. She keeps saying she’s not sure she wants to be with him, and he keeps pressing her for a definitive answer. So several times they’ve gotten together and every time she comes over she says she’s unsure. He says, “Well, I don’t want to be in limbo. Go figure it out.” She calls a couple days later, comes over, same thing, and they’re just kind of going around in circles.

It would be helpful if he would read the book, because then he would understand that a man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. So he’s new. He’s probably in a panic. He’s trying to cherry-pick, look for the right video that just solves this problem without really taking the time to read the book and learn and understand why his girlfriend has lost attraction and respect for him in the first place, because there’s a lot of things he’s doing that are driving her away, and he’s not realizing that his behavior is driving her away, and he needs to clean that up, because just trying to read 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and implement it when you don’t really understand the philosophy, that’s why he’s kind of struggling and just going around in circles here with his girl.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I recently started reading your book and would really appreciate your perspective on a breakup I’m going through. I dated a woman for about a year-and-a-half. Because of some unusual circumstances, I stopped courting and dating her properly and didn’t create enough opportunities for us to spend time together, hang out, have fun and hook up. Looking back now, I can see that her attraction started to drop and I ignored some of her complaints because I assumed things were fine.

Like most guys think, “Oh, it’s fine. We’re just going through a rough patch. She’ll get over it.”

Eventually we had a serious conversation where I tried to explain myself and fight for the relationship. She told me she didn’t know if she wanted to fight for it anymore.

Well, it takes two to tango. You can’t fix it if she’s unwilling to fix it.

I told her that I disagree with that mindset and that I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. I said that if she wants to work on things then I’m open to that, but I’m not going to stay in a situation where someone is uncertain about me, and I walked away prepared to never contact her again. A few days later, she reached out asking if we could talk about possibly making things work.

So when that happens, you go no-contact. You say, “These are my boundaries. You got to make a serious effort if you want this to work. Saying you’re not sure and not putting in the effort, that doesn’t work for me. You’re going to have to show up. If you need time to think about it, go take some time, figure it out and get back to me.” So when that happens and she goes and takes some time away and then she reaches out, you assume she misses you a little bit, and your job is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun, and hook up. Not to have her come over and have a serious talk about fixing your relationship. If she comes over to have a serious conversation, where’s the fun in that? Love is playful and fun after all.

So as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, she does all the pursuing, you invite her over to make dinner at your place, and if she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out, you have fun, and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out, pick her up, and start going on regular dates, but you got to let her do all the reaching out. So it’s pretty simple, pretty cut and dry with that, but it looks like you’re being too serious. Like you got a broomstick up your ass. So she comes over and doesn’t have any fun with you and you don’t really get any clarity because you’re expecting her to just, again, flip the light switch to go from being unattracted and wanting to leave, to being attracted and want to live a happily ever after. It takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love. It’s going to take time for her to fall back in love. It is a process and you need to commit to the process and stop with the “all or nothing” kind of mentality.

So she reaches out and she says, “Well, I want to talk about possibly making things work.” Really, it should be an opportunity for sex to happen. So she wants to talk about the relationship. She can talk about it, but when she comes over, it’s like, “Hey, how you been? How’s your week?” Just like a normal date. How would you treat her if it was like your first date? You’d be getting to know her. You’d be asking her what she’s been up to. You’d be joking around. You’d be laughing. You’d be having fun together.

The reason why you make dinner together is it facilitates physical interaction, talking, and communicating. You don’t make the dinner. You don’t order takeout, you don’t make it for her. In other words, you do it together. There’s a reason for that again, because it facilitates the physical interactions, which can lead to kissing and heavy petting, and then seducing her. More often than not, you’re probably not really going to talk about fixing the relationship, because what you really need to fix is your behavior, your unattractive behavior, because she comes over, you talk, you rehash negative things, she walks away from that experience just having negative feelings.

So if every time she comes over and she feels negative when she leaves, well she’s going to assume that you guys aren’t meant to be. So you have to take that into account in consideration. That’s why the formula is hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. It’s very simple. It’s a very easy thing to fix.

She came over and the conversation was similar to the previous one.

That sounds very boring, very dull and unpleasant. So you elicited the same negative feelings in her once again, instead of just hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.

I proposed some ideas about how we could improve the relationship, but she was still unsure. So as she left, I reiterated my stance again: If she wants to work on things I’m willing to talk and put in the effort, but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me.

Again, you’re not going to cause a woman to go from thinking she wants to break up, to being in love and wanting to stay together. That’s not what I teach. It’s not what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back teaches. It’s simply create an opportunity for sex and have some fun together. Take the broomstick handle out of your butt and loosen up. Love is playful and fun. She keeps coming over and you have these negative conversations that elicits negative feelings, she walks away feeling negative towards you. It’s the same thing. Like you go on a first date and then you spend the first couple of dates just talking about all of her bad relationships and the boyfriends that didn’t treat her right, she’s going to associate negative feelings with being with you because that’s what you’re listening in her. If you’re just having a good time together, she doesn’t have time to think about things that aren’t going well or whatever.

As you said, you stopped dating and courting her. You stopped having fun with her. So that’s what you need to do when she comes over. “Hey babe, it’s good to see you. How’s your day? How’s your week? You look hot. What’s new?” Have a good time with her. Don’t say, “We gotta talk about our relationship.” That’s boring and dull. It’s a quick way to dry her up.

After she left, she texted asking where we go from there.

Because you’re the one with the penis, you’re supposed to be the leader. You should have created an opportunity for sex to happen. Instead, you came over and you had a really boring, dull, unpleasant conversation. So she just walked away feeling negative feelings once again.

I repeated that I don’t want to be in limbo, but if she wants to talk about making things work then we can do that.

Now you’re being like a robot.

She then began sharing some ideas of her own and mentioned wanting to build the relationship around faith.

So she’s just coming up with some intellectual things that make sense, but at the end of the day, you have to stimulate her emotions. You want her to have fun when she comes over. That way she looks forward to coming over and seeing you, she has a good time. You listen to her, you open her up, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, you kiss her, you seduce her, you make her cum like a waterfall, and she’ll walk away from that experience saying, “Wow, we had a really good time together. I feel like we’re working things out.” Even though you might not have really talked about the problems in your relationship, you just had a good time together and that’s the issue here. You stopped having fun with your girlfriend, you stopped dating and courting her, and she comes over and you just keep having a very unpleasant time with her, that’s not going to fix this.

I told her that if we were serious about fixing things we needed a real plan to actually put those ideas into action.

She asked when we could do that and I invited her to come over after work. When she came over that night she was warm, open, and affectionate, hugging me, joking around, sitting close, and accepting physical touch. We had a really good conversation about strengthening the relationship through faith and even talked about starting that the next day.

This is not supposed to be a job. You guys are together because you enjoy each other’s company and enjoy having fun. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced.

We made out for a while and she basically gave me blue balls before she left.

Yeah, because she had an unpleasant conversation. It didn’t sound like there was a lot of fun being had. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, the legs are going to close. She’s looking to you for leadership. In other words, you’re supposed to be the driver of the fun bus, so have some fun when she comes over.

The next morning, she texted saying she was unsure again. I replied that, “I understand, but I don’t want to be in limbo.” I told her again that if she wants to talk about making things work we can do that, but otherwise I’m going to move forward. She then sent what felt like a goodbye message thanking me for everything and saying she doesn’t want to lead me on. I haven’t responded.

Well, the only thing you can do now is stay in no-contact. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you. Again, as the book says, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Not have unpleasant, boring conversations where you just repeat the same platitudes to her. She comes over, she has a bad time with you, and then she leaves. I mean, think about it. If you go on a first date with a girl and you behave this way, you’re not going to get a second date. This is very unattractive behavior.

One additional factor is that she has significant trust issues from past relationships, and much of our dynamic has involved me trying to prove my trustworthiness even though I’ve never cheated or given her a real reason not to trust me.

So it sounds like you’re also constantly in approval-seeking mode, which is really unattractive and is going to drive a woman up.

My sense is that she may have reached an emotional breaking point and is trying to end the relationship, even though her behavior when we’re together sometimes seems conflicted.

Well, because you’re just not fun to be around. Again, your job is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. When she gets radio silence, when you’re in no-contact, she starts to miss you and then she reaches out, then you assume she’s had enough time and space away from you. Invite her over to have fun. Don’t say, “Well, we can talk about moving forward in our relationship.” It’s like, “Well, come over. Let’s have a good time. Let’s make dinner together and have some fun.”

The couple that plays together, stays together, and you’re not playing with her. It’s like she comes over for a boring therapy session. That’s the quickest way to dry her up. So each time she comes over, she loses more attraction and more respect because you’re just not fun to be around, and this elicits negative feelings in her. So she just thinks it’s not right. “It doesn’t feel right. There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark. Something is missing,” is what she would say. Chad Thundercock would hang out with her, have fun, get her laughing, seduce her, fuck her brains out, and then send her on her way and she’ll be like, “Wow, we have such a great connection.” This is such a simple thing to fix.

Given the context of her trust issues and the dynamic we had, should I assume she’s simply reached a breaking point and move forward with no-contact unless she reaches out again, or is there anything about how I handled this situation that you would suggest doing differently going forward?

Thanks for everything you teach!

Bob

Well again, at this point I would do nothing. She’s the one wanting space. She’s the one talking about ending things. Where you’re fucking up is, like I’ve been saying throughout the video, you’re just not fun to be around. She should be coming over and you should be the escape from a difficult life because the world is a harsh place. So you want her coming over, feeling relieved, having a good time, having great conversation, having lots of laughs, having good sex, and then you send her on her way. If she’s got something she wants to talk about or get off her chest regarding the relationship, she will bring it up in the context of conversation. Again, your job is just to hang out, have fun, hook up, create the opportunity for sex to happen. It’s such a simple thing to fix. You’re just being way too serious, dude. That’s not fun. You don’t sound very fun to be around. You sound dull and boring, and you’re boring this woman out of your life.

So next time she reaches out, just be like, “Hey babe, it’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Why don’t you come on over and we’ll make dinner? What’s your schedule like? I’d love to catch up.” That sounds like a fun evening. Not, “Why don’t you come over and we’ll talk about fixing our relationship?” I mean, you’ve had three or four get-togethers like that, and it goes nowhere because you’re just not fun to be around. She’s expecting something to change, she’s expecting to feel something different, and you just keep going in circles like a robot repeating the same platitudes towards her instead of just having fun and fucking her brains out. It’s pretty simple, dude. You’re over-complicating things.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.