She Kept Leaving Me On Read When I Tried To Set Dates

What it means when a woman leaves you on read & doesn’t respond to your date invitations.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered about the topic of being perceived as a player. He made the mistake of double texting a woman who kept leaving him on read. Eventually he went on a date with another woman & posted it to Instagram stories. She promptly unfollowed and unfriended him.

He asks for feedback on his approach. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s never fun. Typically it means there’s a lack of enthusiasm. When women like you, they help you get out on dates with them, and when their interest is low, they throw all kinds of roadblocks and excuses in the way because they’re really not into it. It’s always a good rule of thumb just to look and see if, does she have like a “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you,” kind of an attitude? Or does it seem like she’d rather be doing something else? So if you’re going to be spending your hard earned time and money on somebody, you want to make sure you’re investing in somebody that actually is interested in reciprocates, because if she’s leaving you on read and not replying, she doesn’t like you or respect you enough to think you’re worth the reply. Maybe she’s just like a cat and you’re just one of her mini balls of yarn that she plays with. Then when she gets bored, she just boop, disappears!

So this particular guy, I answered a previous email a couple weeks ago. He was worried about being perceived as a player. So through his email, now I can kind of understand why he’s kind of getting that reputation because he met a girl. He double texted her because he didn’t wait for her to reach back out. So he was kind of impatient. He was doing things that were kind of causing her to lose interest. Then he ends up going out with somebody else because I guess he’d been on a couple of dates with this girl, slept with her both times, but after that she just became real flaky and wishy-washy, left him on read when he’s trying to make a date. So he goes out with a new girl and then puts him and the new girl on his Instagram, and he knows right away this other woman unfollowed and unfriended him. So he can tell he kind of digitally rubbed this girl in somebody else’s face.

So there’s a time to post other women to social media, and there’s a time not to. There’s a way to do it tactfully that causes a woman to wonder, “What’s really going on? Who is that?” Because if you’re posting a story and it’s you and a girl at dinner, well you know it’s pretty obvious what’s going on, but if it’s a group of you and other people, there’s pretty girls there and you all got your arms around each other smiling, laughing and having a good time for the camera or sitting down eating dinner and there’s girls on either side and it’s just a group thing, then something like that leaves or helps you be mysterious because then it doesn’t look like a date. It looks like you’re hanging out, but if women see that you’re hanging out with other dudes and girls, automatically they’re going to go, especially if the girls are pretty, they may be thinking, “Oh, is he fucking those girls? What’s going on there?” But when you make it clear publicly that you’re out on a date, if you’re dating other girls, it’s like rubbing another woman in a woman’s face who you’re dating, it usually doesn’t go well.

So you made some some light mistakes here, but now it kind of like makes a little bit more sense as to why women think he’s a player, because he seems like he’s probably doing this often. If a girl blows him off or doesn’t treat him the way he wants, he just goes to Instagram and post a picture or a video of him on a date with somebody else. So he’s not very tactful in the way he does it. It’s like a big, hairy middle finger. Then of course, they’re just going to think, “Oh, he’s just a player. He’s just banging one random girl after another.”

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My name is Bob.

Lots of Bobs around.

You’ve responded to a few of my emails in the past, including the most recent one about serial dating and how to avoid the player label. I really appreciated your insights. I’m a dedicated student of yours. I’ve read your book over 15 times and still listen to it on Audible 2–3 times a year to stay fresh and I recently joined the Members Only material and find it to be very valuable. 

Well, thanks for joining! Glad to have you! It’s nice that people appreciate all the extra content that they’re willing to pay for access to it. Helps keep the lights on around here.

As you know from my previous email, most of my dating happens through dating apps, but I’m now trying to shift toward meeting women in person partly because I feel in person might also have a better pool of women. I’m actually pretty good at talking to girls, but I never had much of a reason to take those in-person interactions further— Probably because I’ve relied so heavily on dating apps.

Yeah, it’s just much easier. It’s a lower risk of rejection on a dating app because you don’t know her, she doesn’t know you. If you screw up, there’s always another one. But in person, especially if it’s in your social circle and you put your foot in your mouth or you step on your dick, it’s kind of hard to recover from that because now everybody has seen that knows about it.

I’ve done well that way, but I’m now looking to sharpen that other part of my game too.

Now to the situation, which I think may relate a bit to the player label topic also discussed on the previous email. She’s 22 and I’m 33. Right from the first date, she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious— Just wanted to have fun. I knew she was dating other guys, which was fine by me, hang out, have fun and hook up. We went out twice and slept together both times. She wasn’t chasing me or initiating contact at all though, so I followed the book and stuck to one message/date per week.

Well, you reach out once per week, you can go out on more dates, but she’s got to be the one initiating contact in order for an additional date to happen in the same week. So typically, if a girl doesn’t reach out, her interest is low, or she’s structured and following a set of rules, and dating structured women is a pain in the ass. I highly recommend that you don’t do it, but I know some of you guys, the thirst is real and you’re going to try it anyways. You’ll try to reinvent the wheel, get all frustrated like I once used to, and countless other clients and viewers have tried to do over the last 20 years.

After the second date, I waited a week and then reached out. I told her I wanted to take her out again and she agreed but said she was a little busy apartment hunting at the time, so I told her, “No worries, when will your schedule clear up?” But she never responded. Then a few days later, she messaged me on Instagram saying, “Babe!” I replied, asked how she was doing and she never answered. 

I would have just said, “Hey you! What, did you figure out in your schedule? I want to see your face.” That’s what I would have responded. Not, “How’s your day going?” Because that’s boring. Be direct. Be decisive. Get right to the point. Don’t ask boring questions. Sometimes if you ask boring questions, the girl will roll her eyes and not even reply. So he didn’t wait for her to message because remember, she’s dating other guys as well.

A few days later, I messaged her because I had some of her things in my apartment…

He was looking for a reason to reach out again. That’s what was really going on, because he was bothered by the fact she didn’t reach out. He was worried he was going to get ghosted. I have to say, if he had sex with her twice and then she became flaky after the second time having sex, he might have sucked in the bedroom. Maybe that’s why she wasn’t really super excited to see him, because normally if it’s good dick, she wants to give some more, but not in this case. So maybe the dick was subpar.

…So I reached out asking if they were hers (Since I did have a few women over during that time. I wasn’t sure if it was hers).

Yeah, if you’re saying something like that, “Hey, are these things yours?” So he’s going out of his way to, “Hey, I’m fucking other girls,” hoping to motivate her. So you’re rubbing other chicks in her face. Again, the book cautions against this. So you’re just taking things a little too far.

She made a joke about it and confirmed it was hers. I used this opportunity to ask her out one more time to a cool event at the local theater. 

She agreed. We went on a great date— Had a great time, she loved the event and we ended up sleeping together again. 

So far, so good.

She still didn’t chase at all, so I waited another week, then messaged her to set up a fourth date. She responded very enthusiastically to my first message, and I followed up with something like, “I’m doing great! Wanting to see you (And a smirk emoji). How’s your week looking?” And she left me on read again.

That just shows she’s not super excited. Again, maybe it was subpar dick. Usually again, if the sex is good, usually they’re excited to see you again.

At this point, after two separate times of being left on read (Three if you count the time from Instagram where she had initiated contact), I decided to stop reaching out completely. I went full no-contact. She continued to view my Instagram stories. Especially ones where I was out at cool spots with other dates. Two weeks went by with no contact.

Then a few days ago, I got a haircut and posted a story. I used to have long hair, but I cut it short, and it got a lot of positive reactions from my women followers. She was one of the people who liked the story. The next day, I went out with another girl to a rooftop bar and posted about it (I travel and go to a lot of cool spots frequently, so I’m very active posting stories on Instagram). This latest story showed me and the girl I was with and some friends we bumped into at the rooftop bar having a good time. Right after viewing that story, she unfollowed and unfriended me.

So if it’s a group picture, you should be OK, unless you and the girl are all over each other, holding hands and it looks like you’re on a date. Remember what I say? What does James Bond say? “Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell. Operational security. Let him wonder. Let him be mysterious.” But when you’re actually posting the women you’re on dates with, yeah that’s probably a bad way to go.

At the end of the day, I mean, she wasn’t really showing enthusiasm. She’s kind of being structured and it looks like her interest is a little low. So the bottom line is, that picture pissed her off. Whatever was in that Instagram story, the way she saw that was like, “Oh, he’s dating somebody else now. Oh, screw him!” Sometimes you’ll see girls that’ll unfollow you like that and you’ll think, “Well that’s the end of that,” and then a month later or a few weeks later, they’ll reach out to you and you’re like, “Well, that’s weird.” So they were unfollowing to see if they got a reaction out of you.

So now I’m wondering, was this just a typical emotional reaction from her? Is it related to what we talked about with the “player” perception?

Well again, you’re posting many stories on your Instagram about you and other girls. So you’re openly broadcasting to the world that you’re a player in essence, because again, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. If you’re posting a girl to your Instagram stories, that should be a girlfriend or somebody you’re serious with. Again, if it’s just a group of guys and girls hanging out, she doesn’t really know one way or another, if it looks like it’s a group and everybody’s on a double or triple date or something like that, again that’s the only thing that makes sense for why she unfollowed you.

Plus, I mean really, who cares? She wasn’t reaching out that much. She wasn’t really doing anything to move things along. Like I said, I suspect the sex wasn’t very good, because instead of becoming more enthusiastic and excited to see you after you slept together, she became more distant and harder to get out on a date.

Like I said, we always had great dates, and she never really threw off any red flags. She seemed stable, though I suspect she may not have had a father figure in her life, and she mentioned she had never been in love before. 

I’m left wondering if this was just her being emotionally reactive, or if there’s something else going on, like the player label backfiring on me.

Well again, I’d say it’s pretty obvious the way you’re using Instagram. So it must’ve been something about that picture. It looked like you were on a date or a double or triple date with other couples, and she’s like, “Oh, I guess that’s why I haven’t heard from because he’s with that girl now,” so that would make sense. That’s why it’s better to be mysterious and just go no-contact.

Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back. If you message a girl and she just leaves you on read, you’re not going to do anything with that. You got to wait for her to reach back out, but again, when a woman does, that shows a lack of respect and a lack of interest. So you bottom line the actions, her actions are not the actions of somebody who’s super excited to see you and spend time with you.

I usually have a good sense of how things will unfold, measuring interest level (Hers was likely not higher than six though), etc…

Yeah, I’d agree with that. She liked you enough to sleep with you, but after that, she really couldn’t have cared one way or another.

…But this one left me a little confused since I feel I did everything right.

Again, the social media thing, you’re using it a little too much to rub women in the face. Again, nobody should be able to tell if you’re out on a date or not. It’s just be, “Well, there’s always pretty girls around. What’s going on there?”

I’m of course still dating beautiful women, but would love to hear your thoughts on this one that seems to have gotten away.

Thanks again for all the great guidance you continue to provide.

Best,

Bob

Well Bob, I think if you just cleaned up your Instagram stories, I think that might be a big part of what is contributing to the “player label,” is because you’re broadcasting that you’re out with other women all the time on dates. It seems like again, because we just got the evidence here of what you’re posting.

So if there are other women, it needs to be in a way where it’s, “Well, I guess it could be…” You want her to think, “Are those co-workers? Is he out with his sister? A bunch of female friends? Were they out and just got a group picture with a bunch of people they know?” Again, if you’re holding the hands, you’re kissing, you got your arms around each other, you look like a couple and you’re broadcasting that, that’s terrible operational security because again, women are going to be able to go through your Instagram profile that you’re dating if they see all that, you know, think about how it looks.

If you’re going to have other women in your pictures, you want women to infer things from that, but not be able to really see any evidence. In other words, you want them to see you with pretty girls, but not look like you’re fucking them, you’re on a date, or that you’re a couple or whatever, that maybe one of them is your girlfriend or your wife and you’re just cheating on them with other people. So you got to think about how you’re being perceived.

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