She Likes Your Attention But Doesn’t Like You Romantically

How to know if she likes you romantically or if she just likes the attention you give her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 38-year-old viewer who has read 3% Man 10 times. He joined a country club in the past year and has been having fun and flirty conversations with a beer cart girl. Over the past eight months he got to know her. She always stops by to talk and flirt with him, he’s tried asking her out twice, but she won’t commit to a date.

He’s frustrated she acts interested, but it goes nowhere. He’s thinking about confronting her about it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy is 38 years old, and when I go through it, I think probably every guy that’s watching this has gotten into his situation. You meet a girl, you really like her, she seems flirty and kind of fun, and then you get around to asking her out and she just won’t make dates with you, but she loves hanging out and talking to you, but it never goes anywhere.

This particular guy joined a country club because he likes golfing. So he’s met a lot of people that he can play golf with. So for like the past eight months, he’s been very flirty with the beer cart girl. So after talking off and on for a couple of months, he finally asked her for her number. She gave it. He tried to set a date on two separate occasions. She was non-committal or just ignored the date request, but whenever he’s golfing by himself, she’ll come over and hang out and talk for eight or 10 minutes, but it’s going nowhere and it’s kind of driving him nuts because he’s like, “I think I’m going to confront her and tell her to stop coming up to me and flirting with me and giving me false hope” basically, instead of just recognizing if she wanted to go out with you, she would have gone out with you, but she likes your attention and validation.

I mean, she’s a beer cart girl. When you’re golfing with other people and she’s there and you like her, you’re going to give her bigger tips. It’s just like guys that go, “Oh, that stripper’s totally into me.” It’s like she makes more money if she makes it seem like she’s into you. That’s the bottom line. If you take a step back and you look at her actions, she’s not willing to make dates. She’s not willing to make dates, then she’s clearly not interested or unavailable. So stop giving her all of this attention and confronting her or having a talk with her is not going to make any difference. It’s going to make you look like a jackass and a weirdo.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey, 

Your advice has changed my life, especially when it comes to women. I have read through your book over 10 times and listened to several of your videos on both YouTube and your website.

I am a 38 year-old male (6’0,” 175 lbs), in good shape, go to the gym daily, make a little over $100K per year and reasonably attractive. I am also a competitive golfer (I played in college for a D1 university and continue to play amateur tournaments to this day), but have not gone professional due to a couple untimely injuries and surgeries that limit my play and practice and kept me out of the game during my prime years.

A little over a year ago, I bought a house and decided to join a private golf club so I could play more golf, build my network and meet new people. I have made friends at the club and found a regular group to play golf with once a week.

Well, this is great. This is why I talk about it all the time, and guys are like, “How do I meet people? How do I meet girls?” This is what you do, because now he’s become friends with these guys and then these guys that now he’s friends with, he can do things with them outside of the golf course. You never know who you’re going to meet through that network.

I have also become “friendly” with a particular beverage cart girl (age 29 and attractive)…

Well, they usually are for a reason, because if they’re hot, people will buy more stuff from them. It’s common sense, but that’s why they hire hot girls to be the beer cart girl.

…Which of course is the reason for my email (FYI, a beverage cart girl basically drives around the course in a large golf cart stocked with beverages and snacks for golfers to buy while out on the golf course).

Yes, I know this, and I have never seen an ugly one yet.

I never buy anything from her cart, but she stops to chat with me for 10-15 minutes every time she drives by. This usually occurs while I am playing golf by myself, during the week or late afternoon on weekends (Course is not busy during these times). I got her number after a few of these conversations, and she will often text me after our chats. I would consider these texts flirty and say things like, “Your eyes look amazing today,“ “You’re so handsome,“ etc. One time, I even caught her checking me out (Her eyes moving up and down), and I called her out on it saying, “Are you checking me out?” She initially said “No,” in embarrassed way, then later over text admitted she was and didn’t think I would call her out on it. I don’t see her saying these things to other men, although I am not with her 24/7.

Immediately after she started with the flirty, texts and conversation, I asked her out for a drink. She basically ignored my invite, got back to me a day later saying she was busy or something along those lines. I waited about a month, then asked her out again, with basically the same avoidant response. Even after the soft rejections, she continues to flirt and has even got more aggressive recently.

Well, I wouldn’t be doing anything. You’ve already asked her out twice. So unless she brings it up first, never, ever ask her out again. Just assume she likes the attention and validation. Talk to her for eight or 10 minutes and then say, “Hey, I got to get back to my golf game. It was great chatting with you.” If she texts you, take your time texting her back. Text her back the next day. Treat her like a low priority in the same way that she treats you like a low priority. Match and mirror her effort.

She said in passing that she isn’t interested in dating currently…

Well, she’s just not interested in dating you.

…(Her last relationship ended about 10 months ago) and takes a while to warm up to men when it comes to dating/relationship relationships. She also said she doesn’t do hook ups or friends with benefits, which could be true or not.

It sounds like you’ve been having really serious conversations with her. Probably because you’ve been digging. She knows you like her, but think about it from this perspective: Would you treat her if you were tired or bored of her? You’d be nice. You’d be respectful. You listen to her for five minutes or so, or 10 minutes and you’d be like, “Hey, it was awesome chatting with you. I’m going to get back to my golf game. Enjoy the rest of your day!” Then again, if she texts you a few hours later, text her the next day. Just be unpredictable.

Stop making her a priority when you’re an afterthought, because probably you may have over communicated your interest, and you may have come off as dopey and serious and she lost interest. So if you were tired of fucking her, you’re just not going to be asking her all these serious questions about her personal life and getting to know all these things. You’re going to be polite, but then you’re going to get back to what you were doing, and when she texts you, you’re not going to be in a rush to text her back.

She seems like an intelligent, wholesome woman, but having never seen her outside the golf course, I have no idea on how she is outside of her work environment.

My question to you is, how do I move forward?

Well, just like I explained to you.

Recently, I have been playing it cool, being flirty and joking back-and-forth with her, trying to keep it light and playful to see if that will help.

Well, I’ll always be the first one to end the conversation and say, “Hey, I’m going to get back to my golf game. I’m glad you stopped by.”

She has responded better, but still does not seem keen on meeting up outside our interactions at the golf course. There is also no rule that employees of the course and members cannot date or hang out outside of work, so that is not a reason for her not wanting to hang out.

Again, if she wanted to hang out with you, she would have made a date. So if she feels that you’re almost trying to get away like you’re not as excited to talk to her as long, and now when she texts you after she sees you at the golf course you’re taking longer to reply, she’ll bring up getting together, or she’ll just fade away and kind of leave you alone.

Part of me was thinking of having a conversation with her and convey that I’m not interested in just being friends or her flirty conversation buddy, but I am not sure that’s the correct course of action.

That’s like thinking, “I’m going to have a serious talk and that’s going to make her like me.” No, don’t do it. You just have to exercise self-control because you clearly really like this girl and she could tell you like her,and she enjoys the attention that you give her, but at the end of the day, stop asking her out or don’t ask her out unless she brings it up first.

Like I said, just be scarce. Take longer to reply. I mean, she did it to you. She waited till the next day, “Oh, sorry I didn’t get back to you. I was busy.” She just didn’t care. That’s why she waited.

Basically, “Hey, if you are interested in something more than friends, we can continue what we are doing (Maybe you need more time), but if you see this as a ‘just friends’ situation, please stop with the flirty text and comments.”

Don’t say that, dude. That’s beta behavior that just reveals you have no game and you’re not successful with women, because guys that have choices with women are never going to talk like that.

Another part of me thinks if I just wait it out and continue to be fun and playful, she will come around, but I’ve known her for about eight months and it’s been the same thing, flirty at the course, but avoidant when it comes to meeting up.

Again, like I said, if you take your time responding to her text and your replies are shorter, you leave her hanging, leave her to hang until the next day or whatever, she’ll get more aggressive and hint at getting together or she’ll just fade away, and it accomplishes the same thing. In other words, you don’t want to waste your time continuing to interact with her because she’s already turned you down twice. She hasn’t brought up getting together, and it’s pretty clear she’s not trying to go out with you, but she likes the attention, probably because you gave too much of the gay male girlfriend vibe, and that’s why she always stops by.

Honestly, the flirty texts and statements from her are starting to get frustrating, because I want more and it’s almost like a case of blue balls.

What would you do in my situation?

Thanks, 

Bob

Well, I’ve already explained that several times, but if you try that approach and apply that, you reward women with more of your time and attention when they treat you properly and they give you what you want. When they don’t, they get the gift of missing you. So stop giving her so much of your attention. Cut your conversations short. In other words, it’s like the old adage in show business, “Always leave them wanting more.” So always be the first to end the conversations. Always be the first to leave the text exchanges. Like I said, make her wait to hear back from you. If she’s texting you outside of work, unless she brings up getting together or going for a drink, she just likes your attention. That’s it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.