She Loves Me, But Has Commitment Issues

What you should do if your woman says she loves you but has commitment issues and is hot and cold.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says the woman he is involved with is an emotional fruit loop. He’s read 3% Man 15 times and has gotten great results. He is 24 and a pilot in training for the US Navy. She is in a doctorate program. At week 6-7, she confessed her love and made him her boyfriend. However, she keeps going back and forth between being really happy and saying she can’t be in a relationship while trying to friend zone him.

He refuses, things return to normal, and a few weeks later she does it again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

As a coach, the majority of the guys that I talk to, on some level, are bullshitting themselves. That’s why I’m always asking, “I need to know what you’re doing and saying and what she’s doing and saying,” because us, as guys, we bullshit ourselves. And as a coach, if you’re trying to help somebody effectively, you’ve got to be able to get to the root of the problem and figure out exactly what is going on.

I had a phone session with a guy yesterday. He said, “Oh, I haven’t overpursued.” And so, he’s going through this situation over the past year and a half with his girlfriend, and I realized, over the last two or three months, based on what his girlfriend was saying to him, that he’s starting to overpursue and became the woman in the relationship. He didn’t realize it, and then after I pointed these things out, he admitted that I was right. He had turned into the woman in the relationship. Then, it went from her doing most of the pursuing to him doing the majority of it, especially in the last few weeks, as he felt her slipping away. Yet, he was insistent when we first started talking that it wasn’t happening.

So, we’ve kind of got this same situation here, where this guy is like, “Hey, I’m doing everything right,” but then I look at her actions and her words. Typically what happens is, once the guy really starts to fall in love as well, his behavior changes. He starts pursuing more. He becomes attached to what they have. Therefore, he doesn’t recognize that he starts putting in more of an effort, and she starts putting in less. And the less she puts in, the more he puts in.

That’s one of the things that makes it a challenge to do what I do, because, as a coach, you’re trying to correct his action. And at the end of the day, the majority of these emails are from men, and the women aren’t reading these emails, the women aren’t watching these videos, so the only person I can influence is the guy. And if the guy takes care of his behavior and starts acting masculine all of the time, one of two things will happen: things will go back to normal, or if she’s a fruit loop, he’ll bounce her right out of his life.

And so, as a coach, I’m trying to get the guy to the point where he’s doing everything right. Because, again, the woman’s not here, she’s not part of the discussion, so I have no influence over her. And I have noticed over the last couple of months, more and more guys talk about attachment styles. They’re throwing those things in like, “Oh Coach, I disagree with you. Her attachment style is this.” It’s like, you don’t know that.

And at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what her attachment style is or isn’t, or if she’s messed up or a good woman. The bottom line is, the only person I’m able to influence is the guy who wrote the email. And so, I’ve got to get his behavior cleaned up. Because if we clean up his behavior and he’s with a good woman, things become easy and effortless. And if the girl is messed up and he cleans up his behavior, he’ll be able to spot it, he’ll get tired of it, and then he can dip on out and walk away from the relationship having peace, saying “This girl’s a fruit loop. She’s messed up. I can’t fix or save her, and it’s not my job to do that.”

But what I see a lot of guys doing, just like the guys in the red pill community, “Oh, their attachment style is this,” therefore it’s not his fault. Those guys are constantly trying to absolve themselves from blame, “It’s not my fault. It’s the girl’s fault.” And at the end of the day, if you’re trying to help somebody, you’ve got to help the person that wrote the email. You’ve got to clean up their behavior. They ask for me to critique their game, and I see guys getting mad in the comments like, “Oh Coach, it’s always the man’s fault.” It’s like, the man wrote me the email. He asked me to critique him, so I’m pointing out what he needs to do differently, and then he can see everything with clarity.

It doesn’t matter whether the girl’s messed up or not. What matters is that he does the right things, that he displays the masculine strength behaviors that all women find attractive. Because, again, once he does that, then he’s going to be in that zone where he’s going to feel like everything’s natural. Then he’ll recognize the fruit loopy behavior, and then she’ll become more belligerent and more out of control, and they’ll just go, “I’m not going to deal with this.”

So, with that in mind, we’ll go through his email and see what’s going on here. It’s a little gray, it’s a little hard to see, because so far, when they get serious, everything looks great. But typically what happens is, once the relationship happens or they become boyfriend-girlfriend, the guy gets attached and all of his insecurities, fears, doubts that he had before he found my work, they come into play and that’s where he really gets tested.

Viewer’s Email:

Morning Coach,

Hope you’re enjoying the free and fresh air in Florida!

Yes, it’s glorious to live in the free state of Florida. We have plenty of guns and ammunition in the free state of Florida and lots of places to train to become fast and deadly with them.

I’ve got a situation here, and I’m curious to know if the woman involved is an emotional fruit loop. I’ve read your book 13 times, and I’ve seen some astounding results lately.

Well, this is not surprising. 

I’m 24 and in pilot training for the US Navy, and she is pursuing her doctorate. After about 6-7 weeks of going out, she said she loved me and said, “I guess you’re my boyfriend now,” to which I replied, “I guess so.”

See how easy that is if you follow what’s in the book. I say 10 to 15 times, and he’s read it 13.

Not 2 weeks later, she started crying to me saying she’s not ready to put a label on our relationship yet, didn’t want to lose me, and profusely said she loved me.

Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And so, I can look at that and say… assuming he did everything right – that he didn’t start pursuing more, didn’t start putting in more of an effort, because now they’re committed. Again, I can’t really tell one way or another. All I have to go off of is what he’s telling me and what he’s telling me that she said and did. And having done this tens of thousands of times over the years, that’s why people pay me the money they pay me is because I’ve got all of this experience. It’s like, I’m able to zero in on what they’re doing right and wrong, so they can take corrective behavior.

I shrugged it off, saying we should just have fun and not worry about labels, but she said if we do that, it would lead to a relationship. “I just CANNOT do that right now while doing my doctorate program,” she would say. 

Remember, as I talk about in the book, women tend to get overwhelmed and they go, “It’s the end of the world!” and they blow little problems up into big problems. They make a mountain out of a molehill, as we say. And your job as a man is to shrink it back down to nothing, and that’s what he’s doing here. He says, “Hey, let’s just have fun and not worry about labels.”

A guy that doesn’t know any better is going to get butt-hurt and upset and go, “I don’t understand. You just wanted to be in a relationship two weeks ago. Now you don’t.” And this guy is like, “Eh… it’s okay, babe.” Remember, James Bond always has the right answer, just like Daddy. Daddy always has the right answer.

Nevertheless, we still kept on seeing each other and having sex. Three weeks go by, and I took it really slow, not even mentioning labels.

Well, the reality is, at this point, she should be doing almost 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And a lot of times over the years, also in phone sessions, I see guys that never really back off. They might start out doing 20-30% of the the initiating, but over time, they don’t realize that they end up doing 40% of it. And any time it’s more than 20 to 30%, the interest in the woman gradually starts to decline.

It’s just it’s the vibe, the energy that’s being put out there that he cares more about the relationship than she does. And when women kind of sense that and they feel that, they tend to back off a little bit. And then, typically, the average guy starts to pursue more, because he’s trying to fix it. As guys, we’re fixers. We want to fix everything. Instead of understanding that women are kind of like cats – which I can no longer say on Instagram or Facebook anymore, because that is apparently “hate speech.”

So, go to my Rumble account Coach Corey Wayne and start following me there, because things are changing. The leftists at these social media companies, the Marxists there, they get butt-hurt and they’re overly sensitive about everything. So, if I disappear from those platforms, you’ll know why.

Over the following few weeks, she texts, calls, DMs me more and more, changed my phone wallpaper to a picture of us, and then blindsided me by calling me her boyfriend yet again!

Well, you shouldn’t be blindsided by that. That kind of a comment there and the way he’s phrased the sentence tells me there’s a bit of an emotional charge on that. And he’s a little bamboozled. He’s like, “I don’t understand this.” And so, if I was a betting man – if I was on a phone session, I could ask him more in depth questions and really get to the root of the issue – but that there tells me that, more than likely, he probably started to pursue a little bit more and his behaviors changed a little bit. It went from her constantly seeking his attention and validation and then eventually locking him down, to now he cares, “Oh, we’re boyfriend-girlfriend.” And something changed in his behavior. Something changed in his energy where she no longer felt like he had all the power, like some of the power shifted back to her.

I was confused because, barely a month earlier, she was crying about the labels.

Well, typically when you’re confused, it means you’re about to learn something. And so, I would say, more than likely, he started to pursue her a little more. It’s also possible that she’s a fruit loop and she’s emotionally messed up. But if we look at the first six, seven weeks, she fell in love, she claimed him as her boyfriend. She says, “you’re my boyfriend,” basically, and she backs up.

So, you could use the argument, “Well, maybe she’s got a certain attachment style,” but at the end of the day, if the guy’s behavior is calm, cool, collected, he’s unperturbed by anything, she’ll have a freak out. And then a day or two later, she’ll say, “I’m sorry for being such a bitch. I just get really emotional. I’m all stressed out.” That’s typically what would happen.

If he fears losing her, what most guys do is they start to pursue more. They start to care more than they did. They lose that indifference. They become worried and fearful. And women can pick up on that. And, on top of that, if you’ve got a woman who’s got some wounds because of things that happened in childhood, it just exacerbates the situation. But again, I’m coaching the guy, not the girl. And we want the guy to get his behavior right, because if he gets his behavior right, then he’ll have ultimate clarity.

If a woman is chasing you, she’s not going to get rid of you. That is just a fact of life. And so, I would say, on some level, he started pursuing a little bit more, just based on what’s being said and what’s happening here and his reaction to it. It bothered him. He was uncentered. He was perturbed by it.

Well, guess what? It happened again. She was crying on my shoulder, saying she cannot continue going out because she’s “not ready,” yet still loves me, wants to Facetime every day, and talk like we’re in a relationship, but label it a friendship.

Women don’t dump men they’re in love with. I would say, on some level, her interest has dropped. That’s just a fact of life. A guy she’s head over heels in love with and can’t live without, she’s not going to break up with. That just doesn’t happen. Even if she is a bit of a fruit loop, it doesn’t happen. That’s reality. I’m sure there will be plenty of guys getting butt-hurt, and all in their feelings, and throwing out all of these attachment labels. The guys that are doing that are trying to absolve themselves from guilt – guilt of their own weakness, guilt of them not showing up as the men they should be showing up as.

I told her I don’t want to put in the effort if she’s not going to reciprocate.

So, he’s doing a good job here. He’s being firm with her.

I told her I don’t want to act like your boyfriend but have the label of “friend.”

Exactly. Good job with that.

This was really hard to do.

What does that tell me? Because he cares.

Because she was crying, but I felt I had to make my voice and needs heard.

Good for you, dude. But you can tell he’s he’s emotionally torn up over this. I mean, any guy would be. We’re not fucking zombies. But he’s in the middle of the situation here. And so, this is what happens. I talk about the little guy in his little canoe, and the storms get all rough in 3% Man. That’s what’s going on here. She’s just freaking out, like Mother Nature.

I can’t afford to deal with so much drama while in flight school. I told her I’m giving her space to figure things out and to reach out if something changes.

I would say, if I was a betting man, that more than likely, he started pursuing more and started putting in more of an effort. At the end of the day, you want to keep backing off to the point where you’ll let a woman do 100% of calling, texting, and pursuing. If she’s calling and texting you two or three times a day, there’s no reason to reach out. It’s actually counter productive.

And, like I said, if I’m in Vegas and I’m placing a wager, is it her fault because she’s a fruit loop, or did he just start pursuing a little bit more and has been kind of bullshitting himself and me? I would say, he’s probably bullshitting himself, just because of his reactions here. Again, I’ve been doing this a long time. It always cracks me up when I see these novices in my comments go, “Oh, Coach, I disagree. Her attachment style is X” Okay, dude. That’s a guy that, again, is trying to absolve himself for any of his fuckups in the past.

Did I do the right thing?

Yes, you did.

Should I have tried to open her up, or is her flip flopping a red flag to GTFO?

Much love,

Bob

It could be, but I don’t know. But what I would do, if I were you, I would say that you have to really be honest with your actions. How much pursuing, how much contact initiating are you doing? When I say contact initiation, who’s texting who first? Who’s calling who first? That means all other conversation threads and texts have been answered and have been closed. Because women are up and down, they act like cats. And I mean that in a good way, even though you can’t say that on Facebook or Instagram anymore. It’s just ridiculous. But that’s the way they operate. And men are like dogs. They never leave your side, they’re always loyal, no matter what. Dogs are always excited to be there. Cats are finicky and a little moody. Sometimes they want to be close, other times they want you to leave them the fuck alone.

But if I were you, I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing, and I would only pursue a little bit if she starts complaining about it. But even then, only a little bit. Because, then, if she’s always seeking your attention and validation, you’re going to be in that sweet spot like you were when she asked you to be her boyfriend. And if you notice, once they remove the labels, his behavior changed. And guess what? She came back and wanted to get serious. And then what happened? She called him her boyfriend again, and then he gets upset about that.

So, like I said, based on all the evidence that I have here, that’s what I see going on. I would say, more than likely, he’s pursuing too much and doesn’t realize that he started doing it. But the idea is you want to back off to the point where she does 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. And you only start to do a little bit if she’s complaining about it two or three times, that you never call, you never text. But, at the end of the day, that usually is never really an issue. If the woman is calling and texting you two, three times a day, there’s just no reason to do any more of it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.