What it means if you have been hooking up with a woman for a long time, but she still dates other men, and you want to be exclusive.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been sleeping with a woman for about a year. He says he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but while on vacation he started missing her and decided he wanted to be in one with her. When he got back, they had their first official date and hooked up. However, she has been seeing another guy recently and despite the fact she told him that she loved him, she continues seeing the other guy.
He doesn’t understand how they can spend an amazing night together naked in each other’s arms, and the next day she is seeing another guy. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reality is, not everybody is meant to be in your life. You can kind of see from this email, this is how a lot of people end up settling, especially in the romantic area of their life. This guy’s been hanging out, having fun and hooking up with this girl for a whole year, and he never even went out on any dates with her, apparently. They just were hooking up.
You can see how people just kind of fall into this pattern. It’s kind of easy, they don’t really have to do anything, there’s no real passion there. He’s not really missing her, she’s not really missing him, but after a year, it’s like, “Oh, we love each other.” And then the very next day, she goes out on a date or spends time with another guy that she’s been seeing. After a year of spending all of this time together, he’s like, “She can just go out with this other guy? What’s up with that?” So, what does that tell you? It tells you she’s just not that into him, and quite frankly, he wasn’t that into her.
You just have to look at people’s actions. If it really felt like it was meant to be and they were each other’s soulmates, if you will, they’d want to be together all of the time. But yet, they weren’t that into each other and were just kind of going along with it, because it was good for now, it was easy, the sex was obviously pretty good. Don’t rock the boat until somebody better comes along. Now, at least in her case, someone has come along, and he’s like, “Wait!”
I’ve been sleeping with this girl for the better part of a year now. I’ve been told that she had really deep feelings for me. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I recently went on a trip and being away from her made me realize how much I cared for her and that I wanted to be in a relationship with her. Well, I came back and found out that she had been seeing some new guy for a month. They haven’t had sex from what my friends have said.
Sure, I would totally believe that. And how would your friends know?
She hurt her foot and I decided to surprise her with ice cream and my puppy. We started talking, and eventually ended up making out and having sex. We talked a lot about our feelings, and she even told me she loved me, and I reciprocated.
We’re going on our first actual date on Tuesday, but I know that she spent the entire day today with this new guy that she’s been seeing for a month.
Well, the thing you should consider is if she really, truly had deep feelings at one point but he didn’t want a relationship, maybe she got over those feelings. And now she’s seeing this new dude, and maybe things are going well, they’re progressing. Obviously, she’s been seeing him for a month.
Look at what people do, not what they say. Because if she was head over heels in love with you and wanted to be exclusive with you, was worried about losing you to another woman, she’s going to be doing everything she can to lock you down. But when she’s just going to hang out with you, hang out with him, tell you that she loves you, but still go out and spend the whole day with him, what does that tell you? Do you really want to be with somebody that’s like that?
I’m just extremely confused and was wondering if you had any advice.
Well, it would be a good idea to read the book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” It’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. And while you’re at it, read “Mastering Yourself,” because it sounds like you kind of need to get your life in order and get some direction and focus on a purpose and mission in life.
After having sex all night and holding each other for hours, I can’t even remotely fathom how she could have any meaningful feelings for this other guy. I could never tell someone I loved them and continue to date someone else.
Well, it’s been a whole year and apparently she had strong feelings, or you heard this through the grapevine. So, how reliable is the grapevine? Flip a coin, it could go either way. If a woman is really into you, you’re not going to be confused about her interest. It’s going to be pretty obvious. But if she’s not that into you, you’re going to be confused. And, obviously, in this situation, you’re confused.
Maybe she does love you and cares for you, but she might not be in love with you. In other words, she doesn’t value you enough to worry about continuing to see this other guy. She’s not fearing she’s going to lose you. And if she doesn’t fear losing you, she could take it or leave it. She’s doesn’t really care. Now, is that what you really want? Do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman that really doesn’t care?
The harsh reality of life is that a lot of women marry guys that they’re not in love with, just because they’re older, their biological clock is ticking. Especially when they get in their late twenties, early thirties, and they’ve got to find somebody, they’ve got to settle down. The party days are over. Because women can’t have kids forever.
So, what do her actions communicate? Her actions communicate that she’s just kind of passing through. And so, you should treat her as such. If I were you, I’d be reading what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man.” Because if this woman was amazing, if you were in love with her, you wouldn’t be hooking up with her for a whole year and not wanting to be in a relationship.
You have to go back. It’s like, now you seem to care because now there’s fear of loss on your part — fear of missing out, if you will, that she’s going to end up choosing this other guy over you. But you had her for a whole year, and you weren’t that into her. And the title of my book is, “Woman of Your Dreams.” Does it sound like you were treating her like a potential woman of your dreams or, “Hey, well this is a good fuck buddy for now”?
That’s not what I’m about. I’m not about mediocre performance. I’m about peak performance and coaching high achievers. Most of my clients are high income, high net worth people anyway, and they have high standards for themselves. And if I look at the overall context of your email, you just seem like a guy that has low standards, that’s just been kind of muddling along through in life and not really going for the things that you want. And now, potentially, you might lose this girl to another guy, and all of a sudden, “Oh, I love her. I’ve got to get her back,” or, “I’ve got to get her to be exclusive with me.” And the reality is, you had her for a whole year and you didn’t care.
When I do phone sessions with guys that are like you in these kinds of situations, it’s like, “How were you before you found out about the other guy?” Didn’t care. That’s what really matters, because rejection breeds obsession. And when you’re not ready to end something, and then the other person decides they want to end it — or in this case, move on with somebody else — quite frankly, if you do care for her, you want her to be happy, even if it’s not with you.
Because the reality is, if we go back just a few weeks in time, you didn’t give a damn one way or another about this girl, and vice versa. And, quite frankly, she deserves to be with a guy that really wants to be with her. And you deserve to be with a woman you really want to be with and who really wants to be with you, not try to lock this girl down because it’s better than having nothing.
Too many people get in relationships with people like this, where there’s just nothing there. They don’t feel anything for them. And then they have kids together, and the wife doesn’t lose the baby weight. And now that she’s got her kids, she houses on you, you probably house on her, so you both become obese, unhappy in a mediocre life, mediocre job, mediocre relationship. Your kids become mediocre, and then they grow up, they’re obese and they go get into a mediocre, crappy relationship, just settle and go along.
This is not peak performance. This is the lowest common denominator. This is mediocre performance. This is just being an average human being. And that’s not what we’re about, here. I want you to have a woman that knocks your socks off and who feels the same way about you. And quite frankly, it’s not there. You’ve got to remember, rejection tends to breed obsession.
So, if I were you, I’d be reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” I’d be reading “Mastering Yourself.” I’d also start reading “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” my third book, because it ties both of these together so you can get this mindset into your head as quickly as possible and start dating other women that are out there.
Because another thing that happens is you get into the habit of hanging out and hooking up with a woman like this, and what’s the motivation to go find something else? It’s just average. You don’t have to improve yourself, or better yourself as a man, make yourself more attractive, and you end up settling. You end up settling for being average and mediocre.
Obviously, if you’re watching my videos, you’re not interested in being average and mediocre, but you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’ve got to make the effort. Again, I want you to have somebody that knocks your socks off, and the reality is, it isn’t with this girl. Go find somebody that is. If you have other choices and options, she’ll make more of an effort to lock you down.
Like I said, when I do phone sessions with guys like this, I go, “Well, what were you like a few months ago when you really didn’t care?” That’s what really matters. You weren’t putting your best foot forward. You didn’t even think enough of this girl after a whole year of hooking up with her to even take her out on one date. And now you’re going to go out on an official date?
I’d say the only reason you want to go out on an official date is because you’re thinking that that is going to prevent you from losing your average friend with benefits. And that’s not what we’re about here. I want you to have something spectacular in life, but you’ve got to put in the time. It’s your life. You can do whatever you want. I’m just saying that’s basically where you’re at.
If you’ve got a problem or a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“In life, business, friendships and with lovers, it’s always best to spend your time with people who share the same goals and values. Why? When your goals and values are not aligned, working and playing together as a team is impossible. Some people are just passing through your life for a short period of time, but truly great people whose goals and values are aligned with your own will be easy and effortless to be with for an entire lifetime. Life happens for you, not to you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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