What you should do if a woman you are seeing says she met someone else but wants to remain friends.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work on and off for a few years but only recently got my book, How To Be A 3% Man. For the past year he’s been involved with a woman on a platonic basis that he met online. It’s only once she met another guy and wanted to see where it went that she friend zoned him and basically asked him to be her backup plan.
He told her no but wonders what she meant by saying she “had a lot to think about” after he professed his feelings. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Lots of guys get themselves involved with women like this that they want to date. They get stuck in friend zone and they think that eventually, somehow by being Mr. Nice Guy and fixing their car tires, or charging their car battery, or taking the car in for maintenance, or fixing things around her house, or doing things for her is going to eventually prove to her what a great guy he is and she should marry him or be in a relationship with him. And all that’s going to do is give you a bad case of blue balls.
Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and so why do you walk away from people? You’re interested in romance and she’s saying friendship only, and yet you stick around? I had a phone session with a client the other day. He’s been involved with the girl for about a year, and he writes all these flowery kinds of love letters, self-help that’s kind of like life coaching advice that’s uninvited. And he’s a good dude, but this is the way he’s operated since he was young, even into his his late twenties now.
He got stuck in friend zone with a woman that he went on a date with, and she’s told him several times that she’s only interested in something platonic, and now she’s telling him about another guy that she met, but “Hey, you don’t have to worry about him.” It doesn’t really seem to be going anywhere, but talking to this guy, he was totally attached to this particular woman and his fantasy, but he’s ignoring reality. And it was difficult coaching him, because he didn’t really want to hear what I had to say. He was basically looking for me to validate his failed approach.
It’s been going on a year, and now that he’s almost thirty, this is not the first woman he’s done these kinds of things with. He admits that his romantic life has just never worked out the way he wanted, and he’s never gotten the caliber a woman he wanted. And he read some of these letters and emails that he had sent to her, and they’re kind of vomit inducing. You know, thinking you’re going to convert a woman through writing Hallmark-like dissertations every few weeks, it’s just not going to work.
And then on top of that, she’s continually telling him, and then basically at this point, pushing him away, telling him that she’s not interested and he should go find somebody that is more aligned with him and wishing him all the best. But he keeps telling himself, if he keeps writing her letters or staying in touch and agreeing to be friends that he’s going to get somewhere with her.
He didn’t like hearing what I had to say, but people pay me the big bucks because I’m going to give them the unvarnished truth, even when it’s unpleasant, and they don’t like it and they don’t want to hear it. I’m not going to blow sunshine up anybody’s ass, because it doesn’t serve them. Most people have plenty of people in their lives that are like, “Oh, just give her time and she’ll come around.” No, it doesn’t work that way.
You’ve got to have some self-respect and you’ve got to recognize. There’s a quote that I put in How To Be A 3% Man, in the beginning. This is something that Adam Carolla said many years ago. He says “When a woman likes you, the doors open and all you’ve got to do is walk through. But if the doors start closing in your face, then you walk away.” You want somebody that wants you as well.
Way too many of us have been brainwashed by the propaganda we see on TV and in the movies that when we get rejected, we just sit around with our thumbs up our asses waiting for that person to change their mind. Meanwhile, the months and the years roll by.
It just simply doesn’t work that way in the real world. Because if you sit around and you put your personal life on hold for somebody that’s not reciprocating, it shows that you don’t really value yourself very much, and you don’t have a lot of confidence in your ability to meet and attract somebody else or somebody better suited for you. Who wants somebody that doesn’t think they’re good enough for anybody else? And that’s basically what you’re going to see with this particular email as well.
Hi Coach Wayne,
I wanted to email you, if you might talk about this in one of your video newsletters. I’ve been following your work off and on for a few years, but only recently purchased your book, 3% Man.
That’s a big part of your problem. You’ve been half-assing it, cherry picking, and now you’re finally in a situation where somebody stirred your emotions, and you’re so far down the road, and you’ve made so many mistakes, it’s almost impossible to recover at this point.
It’s the pain of rejection or the pain of things not working out that’s typically enough to move somebody in a different direction. So, hopefully this moves him in another direction. Like the other client I was having a conversation with the other day, he was pretty pigheaded and didn’t want to listen. He wasn’t very coachable, but I gave him a lot of harsh truths. I know he didn’t like it and it was a nasty pill to swallow, but hopefully he wakes up.
I have a lot of studying to do to make myself a better man and be more forward about what I want out of life and out of women. I was hanging out with a girl that I met online for a year and it only started progressing a little in the last few months.
Man, a whole year? So, you’re constantly giving off the vibe of friendship, because if you never make a move romantically, the woman eventually assumes you’re either gay, or you have no confidence, or you’ve got no game and you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know how to seduce a woman. And so, eventually, they’re going to move on.
They’re going to like the attention, the validation, you being the emotional tampon, their sounding board. You might even become part of their Frankenstein boyfriend project. They fuck the alpha while you get to listen to her pillow talk. Which, you get blue balls for your troubles.
At the time I had started seeing her, I had just gotten out of a relationship and was very unsure of where my feelings were and put her in the friend zone. I was very clearly not ready to pursue another relationship but continued to see her somewhat regularly, once, maybe twice a week for many months and never built up the courage to make a move at the end of the evening.
I’m 37. She’s 38, a doctor, avid traveler, triathlete and lives roughly an hour away. She was very much the type of girl I like and couldn’t figure out what was holding me back.
Well, the reality is, if we bottom line your actions, if you’re spending all of this time with this woman, if she’s an absolute smokeshow and you’re going out and hanging out with her once or twice a week and not making a move, then obviously you don’t have any courage. But if it’s somebody that’s just kind of mediocre, maybe you like her company, but you’re really not that into her, that’s why you’ll continue to hang out week after week, month after month and not make any move on her, because you’re not feeling it either.
But remember, with that in mind, rejection breeds obsession. Lots of men and women get themselves in situations like this, and they’re hanging out with somebody that’s fun, that’s nice, but there’s no real spark. There’s no real, animalistic attraction towards one another. But it’s not until the other person meets somebody else and then they start drifting away that they’re like, “Oh, it’s my soulmate. We’ve got to get married. We’ve got to be together forever. You’ve got to help me get her back.” And it’s only because rejection breeds obsession.
That’s why when I have phone sessions with people that are in those situations, I always take them back to where they were before the other person entered the picture or before they got friendzoned. I point out the fact they didn’t care enough to make a move before, and that really is a true reflection of their feelings for that person.
The reality is, even if he does end up with this particular woman, the fact that he never made a move and was just kind of mediocrely attracted to her, she didn’t change or become a different person, he’s only becoming obsessed over her and emotionally attached because now it looks like he’s losing her, or he’s losing the chance to date her.
He didn’t care before. And so, the reality is that if he gets together with her after a couple of months, the same feelings are there. He’s just going to not be into it. And that’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to her to waste her time. If you love somebody and you care about them, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you.
In the last few months, she got very busy with work, travel and triathlon races, so we very quickly went to only seeing each other about once, maybe twice a month.
I would say that it’s probably also indicative of the fact that her interest in you was waning, because after all these months and you not making a move, she realized that you weren’t into it or you had no confidence. She recognized that it just wasn’t healthy. And her being busy makes sense, “Oh, she’s busy with triathlons” and this and that, but if you were a priority to her, if you guys were in a relationship, she would have made time for you. But the fact that she’s making less time for you shows that her interest was dropping and she was moving on.
At about that time, I was finally able to let myself have feelings for her and finally started kissing her at the end of an evening with her.
Again, rejection breeds obsession, so it’s not until she didn’t care anymore and wasn’t interested and he could see that, that he’s like, “I’ve got to do something about this.”
For whatever reason, we never discussed the advances I was making and last week I got a text that said “I met someone a few weeks ago and something seems to be developing. I’m still interested in being friends, but thought I’d let you know.” Clearly, she got tired of waiting and decided to see what else is out there… opportunity blown. I was devastated because I had finally let my guard down to have feelings for her.
It’s not that you let your guard down, dude. You only cared when she became less interested. Scarcity creates value. So, when she was around to see each other once or twice a week, you didn’t really care. And then when she started drifting away, because she was the only thing you had going on in your personal life, then you’re like, “Oh, it’s my soulmate.”
Rejection breeds obsession. We want what we can have. You didn’t want her until you felt her drifting away. And so, you’ve got to ask yourself, why was it that you didn’t want her? “Oh, I just wasn’t ready for a relationship.” You’re full of fucking shit. If she was an absolute ten, a total smokeshow, you’d have been all over her like white on rice. You wouldn’t have just gone out and acted like a monk with her for a year, basically. So, I’d say you’re bullshitting yourself.
You should be happy that she’s met somebody else and want her to be with a guy that actually makes the moves on her and wants to be with her, because you obviously didn’t. It wasn’t until she started moving away from you, and becoming less interested and you getting rejected that all of a sudden now you say you care about her.
We had a few text exchanges talking about how it fell apart, and she also revealed it was bothering her that I was in a different city and couldn’t see me a lot because of her work, travel and races.
That sounds logical, but at the end of the day, if you were a priority to her and she was a priority to you, you guys would have made the time for each other. You have to take a step back and bottom line the actions here. Neither one of you made the effort.
About a day later, I get her to allow me to come up, so I could “give her something I made her and didn’t want it go to waste.”
So, in other words he’s thinking, “I’m going to confront her and do this grand gesture and vomit my feelings,” because you see this shit in the movies all the time, “and then that’s going to change everything. I’m going to make her a cake, and she’s going to be like, “Wow, this cake is so good. Will you please be my boyfriend and make these every day for me?” It doesn’t happen in the real world. It’s cute in the movies, actually, it makes me vomit, but it’s not how the real world works. This is not how attraction works.
My real objective was to tell her, in person, that I wasn’t interested in friends. I made and brought her favorite dessert, cheesecake, and had actually wrote a poem to express my feelings for her and let that be the driver of the conversation.
Come on, man.
I give her the dessert and then surprise her with the poem.
Well, in the movies, the poems work. “Oh, I have no idea you felt this way about me. Let’s be together forever.” You’ve got to remember, those movies are written by beta males that never got any trim. Not a good way to go, my man.
She said she thought the poem was “super cute” and was blushing the whole time as I read it. We talk a little bit more about our feelings and I let her know I didn’t think distance was a very high hurdle to clear, because I work remotely and could work anywhere.
“I will give up everything for you. I will come to you. I will chase you and make you mine like they do in the movies.” It only works in the movies, bro.
I could tell she was very conflicted about her feelings towards me at that point.
No, she wasn’t.
And let me know she doesn’t do well dating more than one guy at a time.
In other words, she doesn’t want to date you and only wants to date the other guy. That’s what she really means.
And that she has a lot to think about.
When a woman says “maybe” or “I’ll think about it,” it means no. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, because she knows that now you care, but she’s met somebody else who actually cares about her and she cares about, and she wants to see where it goes because she gave you a year.
At the end of the conversation, before leaving, I give her a warm hug and kiss on the lips and tell her “Let me know if something changes because I want to be with you.”
You only cared when you got rejected. Rejection breeds obsession. You’ve got to think back to where you were before all of this happened, before she started drifting away. You didn’t give a shit. That’s the reality. That’s the true reflection of your interest in her. You should let her go. That’s the right thing to do, that’s the honorable thing to do. That’s the masculine thing to do, that’s the manly thing to do.
I’ve gone into no contact mode since and have accepted she will reach back out if she desires, but I can’t help but wonder what she means by “I have a lot to think about.”
Again, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. She wants to kind of give you the impression that she’s going to consider it. But she had a year with you, bro. So, she’s not into it. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but that’s the harsh reality.
You know, the truth is a nasty pill to swallow. Just like the client that I talked to the other night who did not like it. He was spitting that truth pill out and the last thing he wanted to hear was that his letter writing expeditions were not going to be successful. But I mean, if he keeps on with that kind of approach, he’s going to get to the point where she’s just pushing him away, completely blocking him, or who knows, maybe getting a restraining order.
You’ve got to pay attention to what the other person is doing. You’ve got to look at their actions. And if you bottom line her actions, she’s basically told you, “I met somebody else, and I’m going to move on. And it would be nice if you could be my emotional tampon when I want somebody to talk to.” And if you love and value yourself, you’re going to say “Thanks, but no thanks. Call me if you change your mind. Call me if it doesn’t work out.”
He’s already done that, so the only thing you can do is understand that she’s not into it. You weren’t into it either until she found somebody else. Then all of a sudden you’re like, “I’ve got to have her. I’ve got to make her mine. I’ve got to go get her, like they do in the movies.” It’s a movie, bro. It’s make-believe. It’s not how it works in real life.
So if I were you, I would become a serious student of “How To Be A 3% Man,” and get out there and start meeting and dating other women. Get some other prospects. See what else is out there and find somebody you really like, who you really want to be with and who, most importantly, also feels the same way, where it is mutual. That is the key. You want mutual interest, not mediocre interest.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you are interested in romance, then you should never agree to be friends only or friends first in hopes they will change their mind later. Women keep guy friends or their male orbiters around for attention, validation and as a backup plan if things don’t work out with their primary romantic prospect. Men who love and value themselves never settle for friendship when they want romance. They simply walk away and continue seeking what they are looking for until they find it.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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