She Never Reaches Out, But Complains About My Communication & Consistency

When she complains about your communication but never reaches out.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend three months ago. He got back in touch with a woman he was dating before becoming exclusive with his now ex. However, she never reaches out and recently complained about his communication and consistency.

He started contacting her everyday and sometimes she ignores him or waits to reply for hours. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend about three months ago, and he got back in touch with a woman that he was dating before he became exclusive with his ex. Sounds like he’s re-upping one of his practice squad players. However, the second time around, he says she never reaches out at all, never calls him, never texts him, and he’s just sticking with like once a week per date. They’ve been hooking up, and recently she complained about his communication and his consistency. So he thought, “Oh, I guess I should start contacting her more.” So he starts calling and texting her about every day, basically, but he’s noticed that sometimes she waits many hours to reply. Sometimes she doesn’t reply right away and it’s not really going anywhere.

So this is a good email, especially if a woman’s complaining and she makes no effort to reach out to you, you have to suspect that maybe she’s reading the book, the rules, or talking to some of these female dating coaches that have basically plagiarized my work and they don’t really understand it. Then they’re teaching women basically to act like men. So you get situations like this where girls interested and she saw somebody on the internet says, “Well, the man’s supposed to 100% of the reaching out. He’s got to do all the pursuing. You should never call or text him,” and you end up dating somebody that’s basically acting structured, but what he should be doing, he should be pushing back instead of trying to jump through his butt to please her.

Obviously you guys are really familiar with 3% Man know that any time a guy does more than 20% to 30% of the pursuing, it gets in the way of her falling deeply head over heels in love. Especially in this case where they’ve been hooking up for a few months again, and he’s doing 100% of the reaching out and she doesn’t do any of it, it’s like he’s driven to take action based upon his fear of potentially losing her, instead of pushing back and saying, “Well, how come you never make any effort to reach out to me? It’s like I’m always the one calling you. You never text, you never call, you never reach out. So if you’re complaining about my consistency, it’s like you got to make at least some level of effort because I’m the only one reaching out here. So if you want things to progress further, it takes two to tango, sweetheart, and you’re not really being a good dance partner.”

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

First of all thank you for your work and your teachings. You helped me in multiple ways to overcome a really hard part of my life (I have read 3% Man twice and planning to start my third). Got dumped by my girlfriend about three months ago, waited like six weeks until I found your work. So I started dating. I have a now three potential partners so to speak, but I’m struggling with one.

The other thing you got to pay attention to is that the other girls are really easy, easygoing, easy to get along with, and they’re reaching out to you. You got to pay attention to that, especially if the girl starts breaking your balls like, “Oh, you don’t ever call or text enough. It’s like you don’t ever call or text me at all. Hello!”

I dated this girl for two months three years ago before meeting my ex. In that time, she only wanted to have fun and nothing serious, so that’s why I chose my ex in that time. After being dumped, I texted this girl and she was happy of hearing of me, and I tried to followed the book. Saw each other once per week, texted her four days to set the next date. I dated two more girls the other days, and in the second date with this girl, I invited her to cook dinner together and we had the indoor Olympics. It was like this for five weeks. Between those days she would never contact me.

So that’s what a structured woman does. She’s following a set of rules, but just the fact that she brings up the fact that he doesn’t reach out enough or his communication is not consistent, it clearly bothers her, yet she’s not willing to do anything to co-create or contribute to a potential relationship. So if you hear something like this, there’s a good chance she’s reading a book like The Rules or talking to some female dating coach basically teaching women to act like men because they don’t know what the hell they’re doing.

After five weeks of this, she gave me this talk about feeling used because I was disappearing after having sex and she expected more consistency and communication. So I asked her, “You want to talk like everyday?” (I thought this was her way of saying, “I want more of this”)

Well again, if you are being a good student of the book, you got to understand that most women, normal, healthy, who are not structured, usually when you start sleeping together, they’re going to reach out every couple of days just to send you a meme, say hello or say “Heyyy.” You use as an opportunity just to set the next date because you assume if she’s reaching out, she probably wants to see you more. So as soon as you hear something like that, you got to push back on that. You got to say, “Well, what do you mean my consistency and communication?” “Oh, well you don’t reach out enough. You should call me more.” “It’s like, as soon as we have sex, I don’t hear from you for a few days.”

Remember, whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation. That’s right out of the book. So she says something like that, you say, “Well, quite frankly, we’ve been seeing each other for about five weeks, and you have yet to call me or text me once. So you can’t complain about my consistency and communication when you’re making zero effort. You can’t be a one-way Jay and expect me to do all the work. So if you want to talk more or if you want to hear from me more, is your phone broken? Why haven’t you reached out to me? Because I’d like to see you actually making an effort. Until I see you making a mutual effort, I don’t really see things as changing because the last time we dated, you just seemed to be up for a booty call, and you don’t want anything more than that.”

So remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So she’s projecting. When she complains about your consistency and communication, what she’s really doing is she knows that deep down she hasn’t been consistent and she hasn’t communicated at all. She’s making zero effort. It’s nice that when he calls and texts her, she’s happy to see him and they hook up, but it’s clear that she’s doing this on purpose and she’s complaining about it. Probably because some retard on the internet told her that the guy’s got to do all the work, so she’s just following that like a script, like a robot.

I say this all the time. You want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s nice to you, and this girl is not easygoing and easy to get along with. She’s following a set of rules and then bitching about your effort when she makes no effort. So this is the type of situation where you got to check a girl and call her out on it. You don’t just sit there and take it like a beat-down dog, and then start jumping through your butt trying to please her because as you’ll see, he listens to what she says and then does what he’s told ,and you can tell clearly it’s actually lowering her interest because he starts calling and texting more pretty much every day. Then it takes her longer to reply. That shows that her interest is actually dropping. She’s never going to fall in love if he’s doing 100% of the reaching out. As a matter of fact, if he keeps doing this, eventually she’s going to say there’s no chemistry or no spark or she’s not feeling it.

So I started texting and calling almost everyday. I took vacations for 12 days and tried to text an called everyday.

It’s just too much, dude. This is the opposite of what the book teaches. You’re letting the woman run things. You’re basically putting her in the position of being the man in the relationship. When you do that, you’re going to dry her up and you’re eventually going to get friend-zoned.

Once I came back, I planned to see each other, and one day before the date, she got sciatica and wanted to cancel it, but she told me to go to her house instead and order something there. All this time, every time we see each other, we are having sex. I could say maybe she is the one craving for sex more than me, but it seems she is not attaching emotionally.

Well, because you’re doing all the work and you didn’t call her out on it. You didn’t put her in her place. You just basically turned into a clapping seal, and you did what you were told, which is obviously turning her off even though you’re doing what she says she wants.

Women don’t understand how attraction works, and the only reason she’s telling you or complaining about consistency and communication is because deep down, she knows she’s not doing it, but probably some retard on the internet told her that the guy’s got to do everything and the women do nothing, which is basically teaching women to act like men and to make no effort, and you’re going to get blown off and you’re only going to get insecure guys that will do it. Then they’re not going to really feel much for those guys.

There has been two occasions where she didn’t answer the calls after arranging an hour to do so and leaving texts unreplied for hours.

OK, so they’re supposed to talk at a certain time. He calls her when he’s supposed to call her and she doesn’t pick up. That’s clearly showing a lack of interest.

Remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and she’s got to hit it back. So if you call her and you leave a message or you agree, I guess he’s probably talking about when he was on vacation, he was going to do a phone date or maybe a FaceTime date with her, and she wasn’t even there. That’s rude. It’s disrespectful. It shows that she takes him for granted. This is what happens when you put the woman in charge and you let her dictate the terms. It’s a bad way to go. Again, this is laid out in the book, but you’re doing the opposite of it.

I can see that maybe my mistake is trying to treat her like my ex, in the sense of trying to text and have video calls everyday to have that same “intimacy” I once had with my ex…

Well, the only reason it gets to that point is typically when a woman falls in love, you can get away if you’re following what’s in the book. Typically, 95% to 100% of pursuing will be initiated by her, but obviously, you’re dealing with a structured woman that’s acting like a robot, again, because somebody on the internet told her to do this.

…And she even said a few weeks ago, “Let’s not put pressure and let’s see how this flows on.”

So at the end of the day, her interest is just going to stay where it’s at, and probably it’s just slowly declining. She said she needed more communication, so he stepped up his communication. What happens on two occasions they were supposed to talk and she wasn’t even there. In other words, she blew him off on purpose. Probably again, that’s what The Rule says. Make dates and then cancel them or blow the guy off, and that’ll hook him emotionally.

So if I’m a betting man, I would say she’s probably reading the book, The Rules and trying to follow it, and that’s why she’s behaving this way. Again, this is why you should date multiple women. When a girl’s behaving this way, then you got other girls that are blowing your phone up, I’d be spending my time with the girls that are nice, that are flexible, that are treating you the way you want to be treated, they’re acting normal and natural, which this girl is holding back on purpose because of something she read or somebody she saw on the internet.

So my question is, I was texting and arranging once per week. She asked more. After I gave more, seems like she like it, but didn’t attract her more.

Well, that’s because you’re doing the opposite of what the book says.

So how do I back off to create that wondering and mystery without her accusing me of going back to, “using her?” 

Thanks, Coach!

Bob

Well, I would just go back to what you were doing. Just call once per week. If she’s used to hearing from you every day, just stop calling and texting her and go spend time with these other girls. See if she reaches out. See if she’s bothered. If you call her up the next week to set a date and she complains you haven’t reached out, you say, “OK, we’ve been dating almost two months again now. How come you have never reached out to me once? You don’t make any effort, so I don’t want to hear any more complaining about consistency and communication until I see you actually start making an effort, because this is not good enough. So if you’re just not going to call me and you’re not going to text me because you’re following some set of rules or somebody’s hurt on the internet, well we’re not going to see each other very often because it takes two to tango and you’re not being a very good dance partner. So I need to see more consistency and communication from you. Then when I see that, then we’ll see how things go.”You need to take your power back because right now she’s treating you like her interest is dropping and her interest is low.

So again, this is a part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries and also knowing the book. When a woman says something that’s ridiculous and unreasonable, like this woman is, you gotta check her on it. You got to call her out on it and get her to change her behavior and treat you right.

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