She Never Reaches Out, But Is Always Happy To Get Together When I Do

Things to consider if she never reaches out but is always down to see you when you do.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who started hooking up with a girl he met at the beach once per week. They have gotten together and hooked up several times now. However, she has never contacted him first since they met. She also just broke up with a guy she was dating for a year two weeks before they met.

He wonders if he should just stop contacting her to see if she ever reaches out. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who started hooking up with a girl that he met on the beach. Just started reaching out once a week, making dates. So they’ve gotten together and hooked up several times now. However, she’s never once reached out. I guess it doesn’t say what the time frame is, but if he’s only seen her once a week, it sounds like they’ve gotten together three or four times.

So over the course of a month, she’s never once initiated contact, and usually a woman that does that is structured, following a set of rules, refuses to make the effort because there are women out there on the internet that are telling. Plus, there’s the book The Rules, which has been around for a lot of years that tells women to do things like this. So typically under normal circumstances, that’s a red flag. So he’s already tried, because he was calling once a week and he thought, “Man, she hasn’t reached out once. She always seems to be happy to hear from him and enthusiastic, but she’s literally not lifting a finger. So he tried going two weeks to see if she would reach out. Nothing. Now he’s thinking about just not reaching out at all to see what happens.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

You’ve replied to a couple of my emails before, and I really appreciate it. Your work has helped me understand women much better and how to navigate relationships.

After the second breakup with my ex, I met a girl randomly by the river. I commented on one of her tattoos, we spoke for a bit, and I asked for her number.

We went for a drink in a park about a week later, and a couple of hours in we were already making out passionately. No sex that night, but we ended on a good note. She mentioned she’d be working in a hut in the mountains for a couple of months, coming back to town every few weeks. She was leaving just a few days after our first date.

I waited three days, then texted that if she had time before leaving, it would be nice to hang out. She said she was busy, but came over at midnight that same night. That’s when the indoor Olympics started.

So something I want to say before I get a little further and you’ll kind of see why it’s important, especially a woman like this that you’re just easy going, easy to get along with, no pressure, under normal circumstances, you’d be letting a woman like this start to reach out more, but this girl is making zero effort to reach out. Plus, there’s another guy, I guess she was dating for about a year. She was trying to lock him down. Then finally they got serious, is committed, and then after two weeks, he bailed. He didn’t want to be exclusive. She says they’re still in contact. They’re still friends, or she’s still friends with him. So she’s the one that got dumped because he bailed. She’s been chasing and trying to lock him down. She spent a whole year with him.

So what this guy has got to understand, she just had a breakup literally two weeks before they met. Rejection breeds obsession. So we know more than likely, she’s really probably holding out hope that this ex-boyfriend comes back and wants to date her. So she’s making no effort with this guy, but it seems like he’s kind of in the rebound position. So in a normal circumstances, you got to let these women come to you at their pace, especially with the ex in the background, but he’s just doing one date per week. She’s not lifting a finger. So in that case, just because of her lack of effort, I would just move her over into the weekly booty call category, and because it’s like no strings attached sex, it’s helping her move on from this guy because she’s got a dude that’s interested, he gets in touch once a week or so, they get together, they hang out, they have fun, they hook up, no strings attached. She’s already asked him, which you’ll see here in a second, like what his intentions are, what he’s thinking, and she really liked his answer.

So he’s no stress, no drama. Just easygoing, easy to get along with, not pressuring her, because it sure looks like she’s probably waiting and hoping for this guy to come back because she was thirsting after a relationship with him for a year, he finally gave in, and then he only lasted two weeks before he dipped. So more than likely, when that guy doesn’t find anybody else that he likes better, within 90 days he’s going to probably be trying to come back. If he starts to pursue her, she might start initiating in the future, or she’s just following a set of rules. Anyways, let’s continue with the email. Get a little further in it here.

So they started the Indoor Olympics when she came over that night. Remember, he tried to set up a date. She said she was too busy, but she ends up coming over that night and they hooked up. This is after just one date. So you gotta understand, she’s in a rebound position. So she’s going to be hot and cold. In this case, she’s just not making any effort, because normally after you sleep with a woman, because most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date, usually if you’ve been out in three or four dates, the woman at least starts to reach out every few days, and this woman’s not doing that. Maybe it’s premature. Maybe he’s doing things when he’s with her that’s turning her off and he doesn’t realize it.

This is another reason why you need to read the book 10 to 15 times, because she should be reaching out by now. Under normal circumstances, they do, but she’s either structured or maybe he’s making some subtle mistakes that is kind of keeping her interest low, but she sure seems to be excited when he does reach out and is flexible and willing to get together, as you’ll see in a second.

After that, I followed your “once-a-week” rule, and we saw each other a few more times in the following weeks. Even though she was usually only back in town for 2–3 days and very busy, she always made time to come over.

So she’s making time to come over. She likes hooking up. She likes the sex. She likes the no strings attached, no drama, and hopefully he keeps his mouth shut and maintains operational security. He’s not blabbing to his friends and his co-workers, or telling mutual friends that they’re hooking up. So that creates the conditions where it’s just very easy for her. She’s got a nice, steady rebound, dude and the potential is open for the ex to come back and finally want her, which may or may not happen.

Usually most guys will dump a girl like this and think, “Oh, I’m going to find somebody way better in 90 days.” Then what happens is their vibe changes because now they’re single and they’re not getting anything regularly, and when they don’t meet somebody within 90 days, then they’re going to try to go back to the ex because then they get really fearful.

Chemistry has been strong each time, and over text she’s warm and enthusiastic (Though we mostly only text for logistics).

Well, the phone is for setting dates. So that keeps it simple.

On our last date, she asked me, “What is this for you?” I replied, “I’m having a good time with you, I’m not overthinking it. If it goes well, great. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.” She said it was a good answer and that it’s exactly what she needs right now.

So she just basically said, “I need an easy booty call. Easy rebound. No strings attached. No pressure. Not blowing my phone up.” The sex is obviously good, because she’s willing just to come over late at night, even though she doesn’t have a lot of time to go out on dates. It’s just no strings attached, rebound sex.

She also asked about my past relationship and whether I was seeing anyone else, and I said, “I’m keeping my options open.”

She so told me that she had broken up with her ex only two weeks before we met. They dated for about a year. She was trying to lock him down, but he didn’t want to commit.

So I mean, clearly she’s definitely obsessed over this guy. Rejection breeds obsession. She finally got what she wanted, exclusivity. That lasted two weeks. Then he dumped her, and obviously she’s pining for him to come back. If I’m in Las Vegas and betting that that’s what’s going on, she’s probably really hoping that the ex-boyfriend changes his mind, misses her and comes back. Hence, the reason why she’s probably not making any effort to reach out at all. She’s trying to keep him at arm’s length and keep it as a booty call. That’s why it’s best to just date once a week or whenever she’s back in town.

When they finally decided to go exclusive, it only lasted two weeks before he bailed, saying it felt like too much pressure.

They dated a whole year and it was like, “Ahh, I can’t handle it!” Two whole weeks. So probably more than likely, she was a booty call to him and that was it.

She told me they’re still in touch and she wants to stay friends with him. That’s the first red flag.

The second red flag: She never initiates contact between dates. After our last date, (To which she stayed for breakfast, and had a lot of the indoor Olympics) instead of waiting a week, I waited two to see if she’d reach out first. She didn’t. When I eventually texted, she replied quickly and warmly…

So it’s pretty obvious she’s purposely not making any effort. So that looks structured. Maybe she’s following the book The Rules, but the important thing is, when he reaches out, she’s excited to hear from him. She quickly responds, so that’s a good sign.

…But she hadn’t messaged me on her own, even though she was back in town.

Here’s my question: Since she never initiates, should I stop contacting her altogether and see if she ever does?

I mean, at this point, again, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. If she’s excited to hear from you, you could continue to mix it up. I mean, remember what she said. She just needs an easy, no strings attached booty call. So maybe you mix it up instead of just automatically like a robot, calling or texting her every week to set a date. Maybe sometimes you do once a week. Sometimes it’s every week and a half. Sometimes it’s two weeks just to see what happens. Plus, you told her you were dating other people anyways and you should, because the likelihood of this guy coming back is really high because she’s the one that got dumped. We know rejection breeds obsession, and it looks pretty clear that she’s still holding a space for the other guy and really doesn’t want to stress. Just wants easy access to good sex. Pretty simple.

I don’t want to come across as a cold fish, but at the same time, every time I reach out, she’s been warm, enthusiastic, and keen to meet up. I’m torn between letting it go or continuing as long as she responds positively.

Your input would be greatly appreciated! 

Thanks,

Bob

The only thing that I would do is, you could just kind of change it up and mix it up so you’re unpredictable, because if you do every week, she knows you’re going to contact her every week. So if it’s a week, the next time it’s two weeks, the next time after that, maybe it’s a week and a half. Maybe it’s two and two. You see her twice a month. I would just look at her as a rotation girl that’s pretty easy going, easy to get along with that when she’s in town, she’s just happy to come over late at night for a booty call, because you’ll also notice, it doesn’t seem like she wants to go out on dates and potentially be seen in public, because maybe she’s worried that when she’s out in public, either her ex or somebody that knows her ex is going to see her with another guy, and she’s worried about that because she doesn’t want to be seen with another guy, because she wants him to think that she’s still available to him. That might also be why.

So you got an easy booty call. It’s a phone call away. You don’t really have to spend a lot of time and money on her. It’s easy sex, but for a relationship, it doesn’t really sound like she’s looking for it. Plus, she’s not making any effort. So until she starts making an effort and reaching out to you, I would just treat her as a rotation girl. Like I said, see her maybe every one to two weeks at a time and just mix it up so she doesn’t know when you’re going to call. Sometimes she doesn’t hear from you for two weeks. Sometimes it’s a week and a half. Sometimes it’s only a week. It just depends on when she’s available. You know, it’s kind of a special case, so it’d be great. Maybe in a few months you give us an update on what happens or what changes, if anything.

The thing to look for and keep in mind, because when guys are in a relationship, we all notice this, that other women seem to be really interested in us. Then when you’re single, it’s like, “Where are they?” So the guy who dips is thinking, “Man, I got all these girls that are interested in me. Let me just go spend time with them.” Yet as the weeks go by and the months go by, they don’t find anybody that they like as much or more than the previous girl that they dumped. Then they get a little scared after 90 days thinking, “Oh my God, what if the next one’s not as good? What if it’s a year before I meet somebody?” And they’ll typically try to start coming back after 90 days. We’ve confirmed with the girls in the podcast because they’ve had the same thing. They have a breakup. Guy doesn’t seem to give a shit. He’s happy to go their separate ways. Then 90 days later, dude gets scared, comes running back with his tail between his legs.

So just keep that in mind you know when she broke up with a guy in the back of your mind, it’ll be interesting to see what happens after 90 days, because if he does come back and say they start dating, when you do reach out, you might find that she’s unavailable and doesn’t want to meet you. If that happens, then you’d have to assume she’s probably hooking up with the other guy. Then at that point, I would just say, “Hey, well hit me up when your schedule frees up.” Then I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason and just let it go and assume she gets back together with the other guy, because there’s a good chance that she’ll go back to him, because it certainly looks like she’s keeping a space in her life in hopes that the dude comes back. We should assume that’s probably what’s happening.

Again, keep it simple. Just keep it as a rotation girl. Just one of the girls that you got that you’re talking to and you rotate them in your practice squad, because if you’re going to want to date somebody and have a girlfriend, ideally you don’t want this kind of shit going on. You don’t want her in contact with her ex, and you want a woman that makes the effort. She’s not structured and following a set of rules, but makes it easy, no strings attached sex, keep it as a rotation girl and wear your raincoat.

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