She Said Everything Was Fine. I Should Have Known Better

Why a woman saying it’s fine means she’s not happy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had been dating his Brazilian girlfriend for 10 months. He promised to get his passport so they could take a trip together during her annual vacation. He was lazy and never did. So she booked a trip with her girlfriend to go to Mexico at the last minute when he admitted he never got his passport. He asked if she was ok, and she said she was fine. Then she dumped him after she got back saying she needed to date an adult and needed space. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She Said Everything Was Fine. I Should Have Known Better.”

Well, the long and short of it is, when you ask a woman if everything’s okay and she says, “it’s fine”, it’s not fine, don’t accept that. Don’t tell me it’s fine. When a woman says, “it’s fine”, it means she’s not happy. It means she’s upset. And you’re like, “Talk to me. What’s going on?” “Oh. Everything’s fine.” “Be honest. Things are not fine.” Women don’t say “it’s fine” when it’s actually fine. “It’s fine” means, “I’m pissed off and I’m not happy. And there’s something that we need to talk about, so figure it out.”

So this particular email, this guy has been dating his Brazilian girlfriend for about ten months, and so he kind of slacked off. This is super important. If you’re in a relationship with a woman, you gotta do what you say you’re going to do. And so she, I guess, works as a chef. And I guess, you know, as kind of like an Au Pair, taking care of kids, like a nanny, basically. And so she gets two, I think two or three weeks a year for annual vacation. So she has to schedule it.

And so she wanted to go, I think it was to Mexico for her birthday. When they first started dating she’s like, “My dream is to go to Mexico for vacation this year. Let’s do it together.” And he’s like, “sure.” Well, he had to go get his passport renewed or get his passport for the first time. He, Kentucky guaranteed her that he was going to do it and kept putting it off and just didn’t get his shit together. He didn’t get his passport. And so, like a matter of days before her vacation is about to start, she’s reminding him and he’s like, “no, I never got my passport, babe.”

And if you do something like that. She’s just going to think, “He doesn’t care about me. If he cared, he’d make it happen.” If you tell her you’re going to do something and you just are lazy and you don’t do it, it’s like you’re not dependable. She can’t trust your masculine core. How could she ever possibly raise kids with a guy that can’t even do a little bit of paperwork to get a passport for himself or his kids or whatever? And so she gets kind of pissed off and then just says, “Hey, I’m going to Mexico with one of my girlfriends then.” At least she’s got her passport.

And so I guess when she’s leaving, she’s like, “well, we’re going to need to talk when we get back.” So when she gets back, she basically breaks it off and says she needs space. And now he’s like, “oh, wow, I got to do something to fix this.” So he’s like, “what the hell can I do to turn this around now?” Because the other thing to keep in mind is she had a previous boyfriend. It was like a man, baby. He was he was same thing. He would say he was going to do one thing and then he just wouldn’t follow through. You can’t do that with women.

Especially when it’s important things, especially like if it’s their our annual vacation. She has to schedule it. You promise to get your passport so you guys could travel together, and then you just blow it off. Any woman is going to think you don’t give a fuck about her. If you blow something like that off, you cannot do that. It’s not okay. That’s a quick way to become single again is to constantly promise things to a woman and just never follow through.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

My girlfriend, who’s 48 of the past ten months, started talking about how she wanted to vacation in Mexico from early on in our dating relationship. As a Brazilian, her birthday is hugely important to her, so that was the day she targeted. Unfortunately, I was unable to find my birth certificate to get my passport (which had expired), on time for the trip. She seemed mildly disappointed, but we moved on.

Yeah bro, if you’re telling her, “oh yeah, I’ll get my passport.” And then you just don’t even look, or you don’t even try. That tells her you don’t care. She’s not important enough to you. And maybe you really don’t give a shit. Maybe the only reason you’re even writing me is because you didn’t give a shit until you got dumped.

And so my question then would be, “well, why are you with her if you don’t care about her enough to go get your passport and take her on vacation like you’ve been promising over the last ten months?” Women know that if you mean what you say, you’ll actually do it. You’ll do what you say. And if you don’t, it means you don’t really mean what you say.

She seemed mildly disappointed, but we moved on.

No, he moved on. She didn’t forget about that.

Our relationship is great.

Are you sure about that?

I have young kids 50% of the time, so when we see each other, I’m usually taking her out for dinner and drinks twice a week. Sex is great, we enjoy each other’s company, never fight, etc. She’s a personal chef/nanny, so she only gets two weeks off per year so planning any trip is of paramount importance.

Well, it obviously wasn’t important to you.

A few weeks ago, she told me she had to take her vacation in three weeks. Oh fuck, I still hadn’t found my birth certificate and really hadn’t been looking.

There it is. That just communicates you don’t care. She’s not important, you don’t love her, despite what you say. And especially Brazilian women. It’s like, they’re very emotional. You’re not going to be able to pull that kind of shit. You cannot get away with that with a Brazilian. It’s not going to work. That shit ain’t gonna fly.

It was around this time, I felt her getting distant.

Yeah, because she felt like you didn’t care. Women want to be in a love story. And if her man doesn’t even love her enough to go get his birth certificate and get his passport so he can take her on the trip, she’s been waiting a whole year to go on, he’s not the man. He’s not the one.

Her random “I love you” & “I miss you” texts dried up. When I asked if everything was ok, she said everything was fine. I should’ve known better than to accept that answer.

You didn’t listen. She told you, but you didn’t listen.

As vacation time approaches, neither of us are saying a word about it.

That’s not good for communication, and it’s not good for the health of the relationship.

Eventually, the Thursday prior to her vacation starting, I told her there was no way to get a passport in time due to a litany of bureaucratic bullshit. She asks, “Don’t you want to go away with me?” After some back and forth. She eventually said, “I just want to be in a relationship with an adult.” (Ouch!)

So because what it basically boils down to is he just didn’t have a shit together. He’s not dependable. He’s not reliable. If you’re going to be the head of the household and you’re too fucking lazy to get your birth certificate, to renew your passport, to take your queen on vacation, when you would promise to do that. It’s like, you’re an incompetent man. You’re not somebody that can be trusted to be her daddy. Her baby daddy. That’s just not going to work.

Her ex of 15 years couldn’t do anything for himself. He was 100% Beta Male, and she didn’t want to keep asking me about the passport because she felt it was nagging.

Again. A man’s word is his bond. If you say you’re going to do something, just handle it. And he didn’t.

Two days later, I get a text from her saying she got her ticket to Mexico and was going with a girlfriend. The morning of her trip I receive a text saying, “We need to talk when I get back”.

“We need to talk.” Usually means, “I’m going to break up with you.”

Upon her arrival home she says she doesn’t see a future with me. “What is important to me is not important to you”, she says. I then go home and foolishly craft and emotional reaction text questioning her decision, values and character, no response.

Ooof. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. Remember she said she wanted to date an adult. He was just irresponsible and didn’t give a shit. And he communicated he didn’t care. And then you’re questioning her values and character?

Well, she’s questioning yours because you made a promise to her, and then you didn’t follow through. And on top of that, you strung her along. You made her believe you were working on it when you really weren’t. And again, I would say the reason you weren’t is because she’s really not that important to you. You only care now because she dumped your ass.

I then go silent for two weeks before sending a message saying I was just passing by our favorite restaurant and thought of her. I went on to say that I regretted not digging down and getting to the bottom of what was bothering her a few weeks prior. “That’s my job as a man” I said, and I failed. I proceeded to invite her out to get a drink and hopefully ease tensions between us. Her initial response said she no longer wanted to engage in unpleasant conversations after the hurtful text that I sent. Finally, I received the dreaded “I need space” text.

So when a woman says, “I need space”, it means leave me the fuck alone. It means you don’t call or text her for any reason. You have to wait for her to reach out. And if she doesn’t put a fork in it because it’s done, you don’t keep chasing a woman who says, “I need space.”

After just purchasing your book and reading it once through, I’m assuming she lost attraction based on my perceived inability to nail down this trip to Mexico, but wanted to hear your opinion on all that has transpired.

Thanks for all the work you do,

Bob

Yeah, she doesn’t trust your masculine core. You said one thing; you did another her. She let you know, “my birthday is very important to me.” If you love her and you cared about her, you would have made it special. Because that’s what you promised to do. And then you blew it off. You couldn’t even be bothered to find your birth certificate. And if you couldn’t find it, you were unwilling to do anything to get an additional copy. So that’s on you. That’s not going to make a woman feel safe. But at this point she’s broken it off.

She’s not willing to give you a chance to work things out. She says she wants space. So you just have to let her be. And all you can do at this point is you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and if you do hear from her in the future, invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. And if she brings up the trip, you can just say, “you know, I’m sorry I really fucking let you down. I’ve been promising you for the whole year to get my birth certificate, and I never did it because I was just so lazy.

I was lazy, I didn’t think it was that big a deal.” And maybe also you were like, maybe you just didn’t want to spend the money. Just be brutally honest. Let her know. It’s like, “you know, I know that hurt you. It probably made you feel like I didn’t give a damn about you. I didn’t give a damn about your birthday. I didn’t give a damn about making you feel special. Even though I promised I would.” And so if I was you, I’d probably be thinking, “Bob doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t love me. If he did, he would have followed through.”

And this is triggering for her because she already had a boyfriend in the past that was just like this. He’d say one thing and he would do another. He didn’t have his life together. You got kids. So you’re basically teaching your kids to be fucking lazy and not to count on somebody’s word. In other words, you’re teaching your kids to be bullshit artists like you are. You cannot bullshit your girl like this, dude, it’s not okay. And at this point, you just wait to hear from her again. If you do assume she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up.

You know, like I said, you got to follow the process. But in the meantime, you should be reading what’s in The Book so you can learn. Again, you went through it once, but if you put the AudioBook on two speed (2X) and follow along in a digital physical copy, you can get through it in about four hours. So you can get as many of those reads in your brain as possible. So if she does come back in the future, you’re strictly going to be attractive in your behavior when you’re around her, because now you’re in a deficit, you’re trying to re-attract her.

So you’ve got to become aware of what other behaviors you may have been displaying that were really unattractive. Because this way, when she starts interacting with you again, she finds a completely different version that actually has his shit together and actually does the things he says he’s going to do. And so what you should be doing in the meantime is getting your passport renewed regardless, because you told her you were going to do it. Whether you hear from her again or not shouldn’t matter.

Get your fucking passport and do that. And so that will be you following through and being a man, because you did commit to your woman to do that. And that way if she does reach out, you’ll be like, “Hey, guess what? I actually got my passport together and I’m going to take you someplace to make up for the fact that I fell down on your birthday.” And then if she sees that you’ve actually followed through and done it, she says, “Well, why didn’t you do that earlier?” “Because I suck. Maybe you should just fuck me like you hate me then. You can take out your frustrations on my pelvis. We’ll have great makeup sex.”

Love is playful and fun. She wants to see that she can count on you. So once you’ve watched this video, the first thing you better do is to figure out where your fucking birth certificate is and go get your passport. Or at the very least, get it ordered so you can show her the receipt and say, “I got the passport coming. So when I get it, I’ll take you some place special and figure it out.” Maybe it’s a weekend or whatever. You’re just going to have to figure it out, Dude. If you can’t figure it out, figure it out.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.