She Said It Was Nothing I Did, But We’re Better Off As Friends

What it means & how to respond if a woman says you’re better off as friends.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl he liked who he had a lot in common with which excited him. However, despite her being affectionate on the date, she later declined to see him again. She said they were too similar and she couldn’t offer any growth for him. It was nothing he did but they were better off as friends. He’s confused.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, basically what that means is it’s kind of like, “It’s not you, it’s me.” What matters most to women is how they feel about you. And at the end of the day, if you hear something like that, it just means she wasn’t feeling it. Now, it may have been something you did, or maybe her interest was super low, but she went out on a date with you anyways just to see what happens. Then after the date, she didn’t feel any different.

So this guy is saying, what he’s looking at is that most of the time he goes out with girls, and there’s like a lot, they have a lot of different interests. But this particular one, they had so much in common. She basically told him, “Oh, I don’t really have anything to offer you because we’re so similar.” And he said she was affectionate on their date, but afterwards she was like, “Nothing you did, but I think we’re better off as friends.” So he’s kind of scratching his head, sends in an email detailing what happened to ask me to give my views on it.

At the end of the day, if a girl’s not into you, she’s not feeling it. That’s the most important thing. Doesn’t matter if you’re a great guy, you have similar goals, similar values, you’re great on paper. At the end of the day, if she’s not feeling it, she’s not feeling it. That’s why it’s super important, especially if her interest is low, you can’t really make a lot of mistakes. In other words, unattractive mistakes and do unattractive things. It could be something simple as just putting your foot in your mouth about one particular topic that you didn’t really think much about, but it was enough for her to go, “Eh,” because her interest was already low to begin with. In other words, she’s just looking for a reason to disqualify you.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been thinking about something I’ve experienced a few times in dating and would love to hear your take on it.

I’ve noticed what feels like a strange contradiction. With some women, we end up being too different—different hobbies, interests, ideas of how we like to spend our time, etc.—and eventually it becomes obvious that there isn’t enough common ground for things to work.

Well, I say it all the time. You got to have similar goals, similar values if you want to have a relationship that is going to last. If you value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity and family, and she’s cheated on everybody she’s ever been with, she’s been cheated on, she comes from a family of cheaters and liars, well that’s just not going to work because she doesn’t share your value system despite how hot she is. I mean, oftentimes I’ll do these video newsletters and the guy sees obvious red flags, but he thinks, “I got Corey’s book, which works amazing, and I can fix the broken woman with Corey’s book.” And they try, even though I say it doesn’t. Again, it’s for normal, healthy women, not the fruit loops. But yet guys, if they really like her, they’re gonna try anyways.

At the end of the day, what do us human beings do? We make our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that. So if a guy’s really into a girl, he gets dopey over before he spots all the red flags, he’s just going to make up a story and excuses for her and be dismissive of it until at some point he can’t ignore those red flags anymore. Like Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

But recently I experienced almost the exact opposite. I went on a date with a woman where we were extremely similar—similar personalities, curiosity, interests, outlook on life, and even the way we approach and research things. The date itself went really well, and afterward she specifically told me that I did nothing wrong and that everything genuinely went well. However, she ultimately said that because we were so similar, she felt like she had “nothing more to offer” me, particularly in terms of challenging me or helping me grow, and thought we’d be better as friends.

Well, that’s a nice, logical sounding excuse, but women are going to tell you something, it’s like another version of, “You’re a great guy,” but what really matters here is their feelings and emotions. In other words, after the date, she didn’t feel more attracted and more sexual or romantic desire for him. That’s the bottom line. Maybe she went out with him when she probably kind of already made up her mind and didn’t think it was going to work any ways because she wasn’t feeling it. And then she goes out with him and he’s like, “Yeah, I’m definitely not feeling it.” Then because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, she’s gonna say something that sounds nice, sounds logical. “Oh, we have too much in common. We’re too much alike.”

At the end of the day, if she had super strong attraction for him, she would love the fact that they have so much in common. But the bottom line is, because this is what’s so confusing to the average guy, is they hear something like this and they think, “Well, maybe I can change something.” But at the end of the day, she’s not feeling it. That’s what matters. Despite the logic and the nice sounding excuse, the bottom line is it didn’t stimulate her enough emotionally.

I’ve watched your material on masculine/feminine polarity, so I understand the distinction you make there.

Do you?

In this particular case, though, I don’t feel like that was necessarily the issue.

Maybe it wasn’t. Again, maybe you went out with her and her interest wasn’t super high to begin with. And maybe you said a few things in the date that turned her off or made her go, “Eh.” Maybe you did some unattractive things and you weren’t aware of it. It’s possible. Maybe you said too much. Maybe your conversation was too boring and too much like an interview and it wasn’t fun and playful.

I stayed in my masculine, led the date, made decisions, and she was physically affectionate with me—touching me, holding my hand, cuddling into me, etc.

Well, did you go for the kiss or was she affectionate and you just stood there like a statue? That could be it as well. Maybe you kept your hands to yourself too much. If she could tell you like her and she’s touching you, yet you don’t try to kiss or seduce her, you don’t take her to three different places. Typically, you go to a place, especially if you’re meeting her online, you don’t know her, take her to a wine bar and you can always order some food if they’ve got something like that, a small plate or something, if that goes really well, if you really click, then you can have another place that’s no more than 10 to 15 minutes away. Ideally, maybe someplace you can do a five or 10 minute walk that’s close by that you can go and maybe have some dinner, and then maybe from there you go do something that facilitates physical interaction, like playing pool, throwing darts, playing video games together, bowling, miniature golf, or you could go to like a Topgolf. Because at the end of the day or during the date, as you continue to listen, the conversations fun and flowing and she’s laughing, you’ll start to notice signs of attraction increasing where she starts playing with her hair more, touching you more getting close. And when she starts touching you like this, well you should reciprocate and escalate from there like the book says.

So if you go out on a date and a woman’s very touchy-feely because she likes you and you’re not really reciprocating, and then you chicken out going for the kiss because again, he doesn’t mention anything about going for a kiss or escalating it. He just talks about how she was touching him. Well, he didn’t try to seduce her, didn’t try to get her her pants or anything. So she may have been able, it may have just something simple is that she could tell he liked her, yet he didn’t try to escalate physically. So she interpreted that as that he had a lack of confidence, physical confidence and romantic confidence. So she’s been out with enough guys that behaved that way. Maybe she just decided he was too nice, too soft.

So it made me wonder whether there is another kind of complementarity beyond masculine/feminine polarity that matters in relationships. On the other side, I’ve dated women who were so different from me in terms of hobbies, interests, and what we actually enjoyed doing that the differences themselves became the incompatibility.

Well again, that’s going to happen. People that like the same things, tend to like each other. Like attracts like. Water seeks its own level. It’s much easier to talk to somebody you have a lot in common with. And it looks like, I mean, when a girl’s touching you and she’s affectionate, she wants to cuddle. Again, it could be something as simple as that like I mentioned a minute ago, you didn’t escalate physically from there. She could tell you liked her, but you were just a little too robotic, keeping your hands to yourself. And you didn’t go for a kiss, even though she could tell you liked her. So she interpreted that as you just lack confidence because if a girl’s all over you like that, you should reciprocate and be all over each other, then, “Hey, let’s get out here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine,” and she’ll probably be down. And if you go back to your place and you’re hooking up and you lay the pipe properly and you send her away in the morning with a big smile on her face. So she tells all her girlfriends how awesome you were in bed. She’ll be back for another round. If you act like an amateur or you’re too afraid to make a move, that’s all it takes.

Remember, if you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. Again, I’m looking at, what is she doing on the date? I mean, she’s very touchy feely and affectionate. So again, it doesn’t look like he kissed her or did anything or really reciprocated. And she grabbed his hand. He held it, but he didn’t escalate. So from that perspective, it doesn’t look that like he led her romantically. Who knows? She also could have been on the rebound. He doesn’t say how he met her. Maybe it was online dating and she was thirsty. She wanted to get some and he didn’t. Or he didn’t seem like he was ready. And so she just went out with somebody else instead. You just never know. But the bottom line is she was affectionate and then was like, “Yeah, you’re too nice.” It’s kind of what it came across because women were always, “Oh, it’s not you. It’s nothing you did.” Maybe it’s nothing he did, but it’s what he didn’t do, meaning he didn’t escalate.

I’m not really asking about this one particular woman…

Well, you wouldn’t have written a detailed email if you weren’t interested in asking about her or trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Again, you’re not going to write an email to me just for the hell of it just to hear yourself bloviate.

…Or trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I’m more interested in your thoughts on the broader concept: Can two people genuinely be too similar for a romantic relationship…

So look, what he’s trying to do is, “Hey, it’s not my fault I didn’t do anything wrong because that’s what she told me. So it has to be this.” But again, all I can do is look at how she’s behaving. She’s affectionate like that. She wanted to touch you. So why didn’t you touch back? Again, that’s right out of the book.

…Just as they can be too different?

Well again, if there is attraction there, it doesn’t matter. She won’t care if you have nothing in common. If she feels it, she wants you. Plain and simple.

Is there a kind of “Goldilocks zone” where you have enough similarities to create compatibility but enough differences to challenge, complement, and help each other grow? And if so, what should a man actually be looking for?

Well, what a man should be doing is be focused on applying what’s in the book and acting attractive and not turning into a statue. When you go out on a date with a girl that’s very touchy-feely with you, because again, if you hesitate, you’re going to masturbate and you’re going to blow good opportunities. I mean, I wrote about this in my book. I had those opportunities. Remember the girl that had the shorts painted on? I remember like it was yesterday. I went out with her several times, never tried to kiss her. I was figuring, “I gotta wait. I gotta talk to the phone. Maybe she’s got to talk about. Let’s go out on a date.” Even though we’d been out a couple times, I didn’t have any game. I was too afraid. “What if I go for the kiss? It’s too soon. Then what? I ruined my chances.” So I did nothing. And after three weeks of that, she just fucking blew me off and then called me at home in the middle of the day when she knew I was working because she really didn’t want to talk to me. But she wanted to be polite and return the call, and I never spoke to her again after that, even though about a year later, when I was with my future wife, she saw us together and she was checking me out again. I was like, “Well, that’s kind of weird. She acted like I didn’t exist before, and now I got a girl she’s staring at me and smiling again.”

So but again, nothing ever, ever came of it. But in that case I hesitated and I masturbated instead. I didn’t get the girl, even though she was all over me, she was touching me, wanting to hug me multiple times, and I was like, “Ah, what do I do?” So it happens. Again, that’s what it looks like happens here, just based upon the affection. So guys tend to bullshit themselves, and again, you can tell by the way he writes that he’s like, “Oh, it’s not my fault. Everything’s perfect.” But it must be his compatibility thing. It’s like, that’s what she told you so it didn’t hurt your feelings. That’s why she goes, “There’s nothing you did.” Again, she doesn’t feel it. That’s the bottom line. And maybe she might think that, but at the end of the day, what really matters to her is it doesn’t matter what a great guy you are or how much you have in common. All women care about is how they feel about you, and her interest and attraction was not high enough, despite the fact she was affectionate after the date to want to see him again or to continue. She made a determination and a judgment and she’s like, “You’re out.”

I’ve been watching your work and reading 3% Man for just under a year now. I’m currently on my eighth read and my goal is to get to 15 reads by December. Your material has given me a much better framework for understanding dating and relationships, so I’d really love to hear your take on this topic.

Thanks for everything you do, Corey. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Best,

Bob

Like I said, my assessment here based on what you shared and what she did and said, which really is the most important thing, it’s like the girl’s affectionate and rub it on you, but it doesn’t look like you reciprocated. And the same thing happened to you that happened to me that I wrote about in the book. It was the first date and this girl really liked me. She was really eye fucking me when we first met, which was why it stung so much and it hurt so much because that’s like almost never happened, and I thought she was one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen up until that point in my life. I mean, I went to high school with her. I remember seeing her around campus, but I mean, she had a little bit of a glow up within a couple of years after graduating, she was even prettier and hotter and fitter and more filled out than she was in high school. And then just the way she looked at me when we first met, I could see it like it was yesterday and I was 24 years old. So that’s like 32 years ago. I could feel the way she looked at me. Then I could also remember as the weeks went by, how it just faded. And it sucks because back then I didn’t know what the hell was the issue. But we kept hanging out. She knew I liked her and I wasn’t making a move. And then she just disappeared and started hooking up with a guy that was older that knew what he was doing. He had more game. He seduced her when she gave him the googly eyes.

So again, there’s a time limit. You can’t just act like a statue and go, “Well, make her wait.” So bottom line is, she left the date. Even though she was affectionate, deciding that her feelings were not high enough to want to see you again. And she tells you something that makes logical sense. But at the end of the day, she’s not feeling it. That’s what really matters. So there you have it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for my Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. And the good news is with my Website, you can do a seven day free trial to check out all the great content and extensive library of additional content that you get for being a Premium Member. And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, sign up for a seven day free trial for a Premium Membership. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.