She Said She Needed Constant Contact To Feel Secure With A Man?

What you can do if she says she needs constant contact to feel secure with a man.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman who initially seemed perfect. However, once her emotions became engaged she became needy and wanted to be in constant contact via text in-between the times they saw each other.

Eventually she said she didn’t think it would work because she needed constant contact to feel secure with a man. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

That sounds tiring…

This particular email is an email from a guy who I answered two of his previous emails I answered in the video newsletters, Women Prefer Alpha Males, and Why Patience & Perseverance Can Eventually Overcome Any Setbacks In Life. So he sends in what he kind of sees as a success story. So he was dating a woman who initially seemed pretty perfect, but as the weeks went by and her emotions became engaged, she wanted to basically be in constant contact via text and he’s busy professional. He just doesn’t have time to do that. So she eventually got to the point where she didn’t think it was going to work out because she needs constant reassurance, constant contact from a guy she’s dating. In other words, sounds like she needs an emotional support human, not so much a boyfriend. So it’s a good email.

One thing I will say is that sometimes guys can take that being indifferent too far and they can be a little too cold on phone and text, because the idea is what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to take measured steps, like what’s in the book, the idea is you’re going to start off with initiating one date per week, and that’s it. Most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. So that’s going to happen in week number two, week number three, in most cases, and typically after that happens, the women start reaching out a few days after the last time you saw each other. Then you use that as another opportunity to set the next date.

So what happens is for the first two or three weeks, you’re only seeing each other maybe once a week, and then you get into week three or four, you’re seeing each other two, maybe three times a week because she’s reaching out more. You don’t always have to go on an official date if she’s texting you at night, “Hey, what are you doing?” You just say, “Come over.” She’s like, “What are you up to?” “Come over.”

So the idea is, as a woman’s interest goes up, she calls you more, she texts you more, she wants to see you more. You don’t want to be a total cold fish and ignore her, blow her off. Just understand and recognize if she’s contacting you, she probably wants to see you. So facilitate a get-together. I’ve seen some guys dogmatically stick to the once a week, even though the woman is reaching out because again, they take the indifference thing a little too far and it makes them come off as a cold fish. If a girl is getting upset, even if you are seeing her every day and she’s getting mad that you don’t want to text throughout the day, or if you’re busy, it’s like, “Well, let’s talk about it tonight. Let’s talk about tonight over dinner.” Instead of talking and texting him, she’s going to get mad and demand that you be available 24/7. That sounds like somebody who’s really young, not a mature adult woman, because a guy who’s a busy professional just doesn’t have time for this BS.

So with that little diatribe in mind, let’s go through the email, because the idea with the book is it’s supposed to bring out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. If the girl is really insecure, she’s going to get upset and mad pretty quickly, then you can dip. If she’s easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s going to call you, she’s going to text you more and be excited when you invite her over, you hang out more and it’ll get to the point, especially when you get to week six, week seven, week eight and you’re applying what’s in the book, she’s usually going to be with you every night, either you’re at her place or she’s at yours. Then on the weekends you spend together. So it’s a natural thing. In other words, you’re creating the conditions where you take measured steps in the beginning, and then by the time you get about two months into it, she’s talking, calling you, FaceTiming you, texting you multiple times a day, and she’s just always with you, she’s with you at night, she’s with you on the weekends, and that’s how you kind of become a family.

If you act like a cold fish and you’ll only see a girl once or twice a week, then you run the risk of after several months into it, she starts to think that you only want to see her when you want to have sex and you want to get a release. Then she starts to feel like you don’t actually care about her, you just want the booty call. So there’s a time where you got to kind of transition from it being a casual hookup, casual dating, a casual fling to more intimacy, more sex, more closeness, more time together, and the woman is the one who speeds that up. If she’s trying to speed that up and you’re kind of keeping her at arm’s length being kind of cold and being distant, then you get yourself into a situation where you give off the vibe that you just see her as a booty call. Then you’re four or five months down the road and she still hasn’t brought up being together in a relationship or being exclusive. It’s a very natural thing.

The idea is you’re just trying to go slower than the woman is, so you don’t over-pursue, smother her, chase her away and cause her to back off and become confused about her feelings, tell you she needs space or there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark, or she should feel differently about you than she does, that kind of thing.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

You’ve made two videos on my emails: Women Prefer Alpha Males, and Why Patience & Perseverance Can Eventually Overcome Any Setbacks In Life. I’ve got another success story for you, and it’s not a typical one. But first, a quick update on my career: Since I last wrote, I’ve been promoted from foreman to project manager, and now I’m in the running for superintendent. Still haven’t found the right woman, but I thought this could’ve been the one.

Well, when I was in the construction industry, a foreman is a guy that’s out in the field running the field. The superintendent is like the head foreman. He’s in charge of the other smaller superintendents. The project manager is the guy that basically works in the office, is the one running the job, negotiating the contracts, those type of things. Typically the project manager is over the superintendent. Maybe things have changed, but in my construction management background and working for the big companies, that’s how things were divvied up.

It started out perfect. We made out on the first date, and after that she reached out to me asking for dates, which I planned and got off the phone. Dates led to heavy petting which eventually led to amazing sex. There must be something different about a 3% Meat Torpedo, because she said I made her climax six times in one session of the indoor Olympics when I finally slammed her tuna tunnel.

The tuna tunnel. I haven’t heard that one before. I might have to use that. The tuna tunnel.

However, things started to shift.

It started with, “You aren’t much of a texter are you?”

I would say, “No, I don’t really like to talk on the phone or text, but you know you’re always welcome to text me. Or if you want to see me, just hit me up.” So when she starts to complain about that, that’s basically her saying, “I want more of your attention.” That’s the way you should take it. “I want more of your time and more of your attention.” So instead of arguing with her or basically saying, “I’m not going to change anything,” take it as she wants to see more. I would be like, “Well hey, why don’t you come over later?”

I told her I was a very busy man, and that my passions would sometimes make me seem distant. She laughed it off, or so I thought. The more fun we had, and the more intimate it got, she started to say things like, “I really want this to work, but I need to stay in constant contact,” and “Are you OK?” messages.

So when she says, “Are you OK?” She’s taking that as, “Oh, he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t care about me. He must be mad at me.” So you can tell she’s getting a little scared. I would be like, “Yeah, why? What’s up?” So she’s like, “Oh, I need to stay in constant contact” and say, “Well, I’m sorry. I’m in and out of meetings all day and I just cannot stop what I’m doing to talk and text throughout the day. If you really miss me terribly, just come over tonight. Let’s get together.” Just facilitate getting together in person, because the reason she’s bringing this up is she wants to see you more, she wants more of your time and more of your presence, but because of your job and your career, you’re in meetings, you’re out in the field, it’s like you’re not going to stop. Especially on a construction site, you can’t be walking around with your fucking phone or you fall off a building or get crushed by a piece of machinery. It’s dangerous to be walking around on a job site in a construction zone banging away on your phone. So that is just not going to happen during normal business hours. You’ll talk and text her when you can, and she should be at work doing something productive during the day anyways.

I always played it cool, reassured her with a few James Bond banter texts, told her I’d see her on our next date and got off the phone.

Well again, you don’t have to be so dogmatic or, “Hey, we can only talk when we’re on dates.” If she’s complaining that you don’t spend enough time texting with her, all she’s really saying is, “I want more of your attention, more of your time.” So invite her over, “Hey, what are you doing? You know what? You should come by tonight. Let’s make dinner together. Hey, let’s go grab a bite to eat.”

Then one morning, I got a text saying that she didn’t think it could work, because the communication when we were apart just wasn’t there. I set boundaries, made it clear I was a busy man and that I’d always make time for her, just not in the ways she’d want or expect sometimes. Then I walked away. She responded saying that she needed constant contact to feel secure with a man; Red flag.

Well again, if a girl is expecting you to talk and text all throughout the day, again especially when you’re in a dangerous industry like construction, you’re not going to be in a job site trying to text her back because that’s just fucking dangerous.

Coach, every time I think I’ve experienced the total genius of 3% Man, it exploits a new flaw in a woman I never thought it could. Thanks for saving my ass, because she was divorced, and now I have a feeling I know why he filed and not her. 

Thanks for helping me steer the Titanic away from the fruit loop iceberg once again! 

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, the other thing I want to say about that is, in my personal experience, you might get a little complaining here and there, but when a woman is stuck to you like white on rice, she’s always with you, women who are raised right and got a healthy self-esteem, they’re not going to give you a hard time about it. They’re not going to be demanding that you drop what you’re doing in the middle of the day to send memes back and forth and talk and text all the time. You’ll get back to her when you’re out of a meeting. I mean, it gets annoying if you’re working every fucking day and she needs reassurance that you like her, and that might require you to sit down and talk to her.

Again, a woman with a healthy self-esteem who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, she might break your balls a little bit about, “Oh, why am I always the one texting you?” And you’ll joke about it, but overall, she’s not going to care, because if you’re treating her right and you’re loving her properly when you are together, her cup will be full enough. A woman who didn’t get enough hugs and “I love you’s” from mom and dad growing up is not going to do well with it. She’s going to get upset and she’s going to give you a hard time about it because again, this is how she was raised. This was how her father treated her. So in this case, you set and enforce healthy boundaries. Again, like I said, I just wanted to kind of go through that because sometimes I see guys taking this a little too far, but if he had a talk with her, it wasn’t enough, she was still complaining and she demanded that he make himself available all throughout the day to talk and text with her, it’s like, that’s a woman that is looking for like an emotional support human and not really a boyfriend. That’s just fucking tiring.

So if she won’t respect your boundaries, then she doesn’t respect your authority as a man. She won’t take your explanation at face value, and it doesn’t look like she was willing. In other words, if he wasn’t willing to talk and text her or with her throughout the day and she’s like, “Well, I don’t want to be with you anymore,” then that’s just annoying, and I wouldn’t want to put up with that either because again, when things really progress and you get together after two or three months, she’s probably gonna have a key to your house and she’s going to be over there all the time anyways, and you’ll always be over at her house.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.