She Said She Needs Space. Who Should Reach Out Next?

Why you must stop chasing a woman who says she needs space after being needy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He’s been seeing a girl he really likes for about twp months. However, her acting like a cat is confusing and frustrating to him. He takes it personally and gets butt-hurt and angry with her. This past weekend she came to see him and he caused a fight as soon as she got off her train to see him. He lost his cool because he was insecure about where he stood and could tell she was losing interest.

After an hour and a half she wanted to leave and took the train home. Now she wants space and they haven’t talked in several days. He asks who’s supposed to reach out next after she says she needs space. He’s obviously in panic mode. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular guy has smothered a girl that he had been seeing for about two months and her cat like behavior. Just like the most recent video newsletter that I did, “Needing Constant Reassurance & Attention Turns Women Off.” Guy had the same problem as this dude, but this particular guy is a little further. So like that other guy whose email newsletter I just answered, is on the verge of getting to the place where this guy is, because this woman is like she, “Needs space,” she’s pushing him away, and now he’s waiting to hear from her. He’s in no contact at this point, so you see a good progression.

The first video is like the guy’s almost at the point where this dude is, and now this dude is at the point where a girl really wants space. Now they’re not talking. He’s like, “Shit, what do I do? Who reaches out first after no contact?” So you can see the consequences of what’s going to happen with emailer number one, the first video we published today, and today’s first Members Only video. So let’s go through his email and see what this guy is doing. Obviously he’s in panic mode. He’s kind of freaking out about it. He’s like, “What the hell do I do?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey, 


I discovered your work a week ago and have already been through the book three times, and watched a lot of your YouTube content (I will read this book 10-15 times by the way!)

I’m at a crossword with a woman I really like, and I wondered if you could help shed some light on my confusion as I am yet to find this on your YouTube channel.

Well, this is actually right out of the book, dude. I know you say you’ve been through it three times. That’s a lot for a week. People tend to embellish and bullshit a little bit when they send these emails in, because they’re trying to make themselves look better than deep down they know they’ve been doing.

I’ve been seeing a girl for about two months. We were speaking for three months prior to this but never met up because she was heading back to Brazil and I had a lot on with work. 

We started meeting late January and we’ve met up and hooked up with her every two weeks since. It was great up until about three weeks ago, where she started distancing herself from me. 

Well, if a woman starts becoming cold, distant and becomes less available, it’s typically because their attraction is dropping. He’s new in my work, so he says he’s been through 3% Man, but there’s still a lot of things that just aren’t clicking for him yet.

When a woman says, “I need space, what it means is you’re smothering her,” and this guy has the same problem that the last guy did. He gets upset, butt-hurt and takes it personally when she’s busy, or she doesn’t have the same level of enthusiasm or is not willing to jump through her butt as much to see him as quickly as he would like. So what’s happening is he’s making her deal with his neediness, his neuroticism and turning her into his mommy and his therapist, and she’s just not digging it at all. Plus, on top of that, he blows his top.

At first I was trying to close the gap, which I now know isn’t good after reading and listening to your book.

In other words, he was trying to force himself into her life more because he wanted to see her more. Deep down, he’s obviously afraid that he’s going to lose her, that she’s not going to like him.

Our two primary fears as human beings are number one, fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. Number two, fear that we won’t be loved. He’s allowing his innate fear that we all have of not being loved to affect how he’s showing up. So because deep down he doesn’t feel he’s worthy of love and worthy of her love, he comes from a place of scarcity. Everything he does, everything he says is basically suspicious of her behavior, and, “She’s probably not going to like me when she finds out what I’m really like anyway.” So he tries to force himself into her life more often than she is ready, and instead of letting her come to him at her pace, he’s trying to chase and force things to the point now where the last time he lost his shit and blew up at her, again all because of his needy, neurotic feelings, now she’s like, “I need space.”

I phoned her the Thursday before we were to meet at mine last Friday to ask what was up as things hadn’t been right for a few weeks.

So he’s like, “I had to confront her, Coach. She was not treating me the way I wanted to be treated. She’s not been as into me as I want her to be.” You can’t complain a girl into liking you more. As a matter of fact, when you complain that she’s not doing enough or showing up enough, you’re acting like a girl. It’s the opposite of being masculine, and it’s going to turn her off and be less attracted to you. It’s going to dry her pussy up. She’s not going to like it. Women don’t like this.

You’re supposed to be the confident one. You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. If you don’t hear from her, if you don’t spend enough time with her, or you don’t feel her enthusiasm is at the level that it should be, you try to correct that behavior by bitching about it and nagging her and complaining her, that’s the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You’re literally going to chase and talk this girl out of liking you.

Few of the things she’s said:

She needs space and time to think about how she was feeling.

So what’s happening is that she’s feeling less attracted and less interested in you. The reason she wants space is because the more you interact with her, the more she loses interest in you. Women know instinctively that absence makes the heart grow fonder. So why she wants space is because she wants to see if her feelings will return, or will grow, or become more passionate towards you and you. When a woman says, “I need space,” you just let her have all the space until she contacts you. That again, is right out of the book.

She said I was being very intense and she is not this person.

You’re just not making her feel good with your behavior because again, you’re turning her into your mommy and your therapist. She’s like your emotional support human. You need too much reassurance of where you stand with her. This is not masculine. This is a needy, insecure guy, and women don’t want a needy, insecure, neurotic dude. It turns them off.

She’s gone from saying so loves me, to now she really likes me but we should still see each other.

In other words, her interest is really dropped from feelings of love to being repulsed and just kind of liking you, but she’s still open to seeing you, so that should tell you that her attraction is actually going down. The more she interacts with you, the more turned off and unattracted she becomes. When you’re bitching and you’re complaining that she’s not spending enough time or paying enough attention to you, it’s like a flat spin in a plane. It just makes it worse. It becomes like a death spiral. You can’t behave this way, dude.

She came to mine the day after (Friday) but as she got off the train we got to my car and we had an argument.

In other words, he started an argument because, “Mommy, you’re not giving enough attention to me! You don’t love me!”

That’s how you sound to her. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. It’s disgusting. Instead of her coming to see you and hanging out, having fun and getting her brains fucked out, she has to listen to you go, “Mommy won’t spend any time with me. You don’t care as much as you used to. I want my mommy!” That’s how you sound. It’s disgusting. It’s unmanly. It’s unbecoming of a man.

I didn’t handle it well at, it was my insecurities coming through and something I am working on.

Well, you better pull your head out of your ass and work on it a lot quicker, because you’re going to cause this woman to break things off permanently with you.

She got very angry, we didn’t speak much in the car because she was pissed off about what I’d said, and within that 1.5 hours in the car with me she left to get the train back to London.

Well, that was the end of that date. They only see each other every couple of weeks, and after an hour and a half, she’s like, “I got to get the fuck out. I’m out of here!” She was so turned off, so disgusted and so repulsed, it was more fun for her just to leave, go home and not be around you.

The vibe towards the end was it wasn’t over.

Well, she’s fleeing from you, dude. That’s not good.

Her closing words that Friday were, “We will speak.” I walked her to the train stop. Gave her a big hug, she was crying…

Oh, listen to this!

…And she allowed me to kiss her on the cheek.

“Oh, Your Highness. I get the cheek. Oh yeah!” It’s not good, dude.

She also said, “Thank you for everything so far.”

Saturday she sent me a photo of her new hair. I responded Sunday. I think my response was a bit shit, and I’m wondering whether I’ve blown it. I said, “Hello Blondie,

 it looks really nice and it suits you too. 

Are you happy with it?” (I would normally compliment her and say how sexy she was etc., but I didn’t know how to act as didn’t want to come on too strong, but I also feel like now she might think I don’t want her)

Her response:

 “Morning. Thanks! 
Yeah I liked I just need to get use to it now ha ha!”

 My response: “Yeah it’ll take a bit of time. 

I hope you have a good day today.” We haven’t spoke since.

I liked her new Instagram photo Monday…

Stop trolling her social media.

…Which was of her hair and since she has muted me from her stories.

Well, that’s not good. Maybe she doesn’t want you to see her stories because she doesn’t want you getting pissed off. Probably because you got pissed off at her about that in the past. “Oh, you don’t include me in your stories. You don’t care!”

That’s the context for where we’re at right now.
 
What I want help with is this: I will not message her or like any more things of her as she needs space.

Yeah, when a woman says space, you give her the space. When she’s had enough, she reaches out. When she reaches out, you set the next date. Simple as that.

But what I am struggling with is our last in person conversation. It wasn’t clear that she would message me or if she was waiting for me to make the effort. Do I wait? Have I blown it? What do you do when it’s not clear who is reaching out after needing space?

Thanks,

Bob

Well dude, when a woman says, “I need space,” you don’t keep fucking contacting her and texting her. She fled from you. She took off. She hauled ass. She got on the train and went back to London, because that was more fun than hanging out with you. It’s like, pull your head out of your ass, dude!

When a woman says, “I need space,” just let her be. When she’s had enough space, she typically reaches out. So the next time she texts you or calls and says, “Hey, what are you doing? How are you?” Assume she wants to see you. Try to make the next date. If she says, “I need space,” then say, “No problem. Let me know when you’ve had enough space and you miss me terribly,” and then get off the phone and, say, a few days later she texts you a meme or whatever, “Hey, awesome to hear from you. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” She goes, “Oh, I still need space,” just say, “All right, no problem.” Then from that point on, never bring up getting together again until she brings it up first.

So you’re going to be kind of following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back at this point. When a woman says, “I need space,” you let her be. When she’s had enough space, she contacts you back. She’s not going to call you up and go, “OK, I’ve had enough space. Let’s get together and have a date.” She’s usually going to send you a meme or be like, “Hey, what are you doing? How are you?” When she says, “I need space,” you got to just wait to hear from her. Again, once she’s had enough, she might send you a meme or something funny, or she might text you, she might call you, she might FaceTime you, whatever.

Bottom line is, she reaches out to you directly on your phone and the way she normally contacts you, then you assume she wants to see you and try to make a date. If she won’t make the date, then you’ll try one more time the next time she reaches out. If two times in a row she won’t make dates when she’s reached out first, then you don’t ask anymore. Then after that, she sends a text, if she sends a meme, I would just heart it. She says, “How are you?” “I’m doing great. How are you?” Send two or three texts back and forth. Then you say, “Hey, I got to run. Talk to you later,” and leave the conversation. Never ask her out again unless she brings it up first and one of two things will happen again. This is all detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, which you need to become familiar with, is that she’ll either bring up getting together or eventually she’ll just stop contacting you for good.

So that’s basically where you’re at. She’s not your girlfriend. You’re not together. This is a girl that was into you, but you turned her off with your needy, neurotic behavior. So you just have to wait to hear from her again. When a woman says, “I need space,” you give her the space. Next time she reaches out, if it’s a meme, if she’s texting you, try to set a date. You’ll do it twice. If she won’t see or agree to make plans, then just stop asking again. Just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you need to clean up this behavior and stop acting this way and confronting her about her lack of interest, because every time you do that and you behave this way, you’re just communicating to women that you don’t have your shit together, you’re not masculine and you’re not confident, and that’s why they’re with you in the first place, is for confidence and masculinity. If you’re not providing that, you’re not going to get anything from her. She’s not going to want to see you. You may get some blue balls and you can become her digital pen pal, but you’re not going to get anywhere near who her anymore.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.