She Said She Wasn’t Feeling It. Is There Anything I Can Do?

Some things to consider if she broke things off telling you she wasn’t feeling it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discus an email from a 60 year old viewer who was out of the dating game for the past 9 years while taking care of his parents until they passed. He had a first date with a woman he liked and they kissed, but she said she wasn’t feeling it when he tried to set another date. He asks if he didn’t show enough effort as the reason she dipped. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She Said She Wasn’t Feeling It. Is There Anything I Can Do?”.

Well, let’s take a closer look. So this particular email is from a 60 year old viewer. He was out of the dating game for the past nine years because he was being a good son, and he was taking care of his parents until they passed away. So now he just got back into the world of dating, and he had a first date with a woman he liked and they kissed.

But when he reached out to set another date, she said she wasn’t feeling it. And he’s kind of wondering, was I going too slow? Did I not make a move because he’s trying to figure out why she decided to dip on him?

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey, 

First, thank you. Following you for about 4 to 5 months. I’ve read the book about 4 times. My background, I’m a 60 year-old guy who has been out of the game for 9 years. Was there for my parents as their health failed and they passed on. Wrecked me. Moved to Las Vegas recently, and met a lady 16 years younger. Cute, coincidentally part-time Coach for Tony Robbins. After first meeting, waited three to four days to ask her for a definite date. We met for dinner/drinks, had a great time, and I kissed her. At the end of the date I said we should do it again, but she had a Tony Robbins event the following weekend.

Well, that sounds like you asked her out on a date, a second date, while you’re still on the first, which is something that the book says not to do, because you want her to wonder. If she says, “oh, I have an event next weekend.” Just say, “yeah, no problem. Well, maybe in a few weeks after things settle down we can reconnect and go out on a second date.” But again, I wouldn’t have said that to her. But what’s done is done. You can’t undo the past.

I asked her out the following week but she said she was busy that weekend. Following Tuesday I asked her what days she was free, I’d love to see her. We made plans for dinner Thursday. We had a great time. I wasn’t leaning back though, I was leaning in probably too much, After dinner, I walked her to her car and we had a good make out session.    

So that was Tuesday. So they went on Thursday. So it was about three, four days later.

On Monday I said I’d love to see her again, but had to go out of town the following weekend, we could connect after I got back. The following Tuesday I said I wanted to see her.

And here’s his text exchange.

I said, “Good morning sunshine! How was your weekend?” 

She said, “Morning! How was your trip? I had a good weekend. It was my friends Birthday and we had a good time.”

I said, “It’s been good. I’m heading back this evening. Oh that’s great. Glad you had fun. Well I want to see you. How’s your week look? What days are you free?”

She said, “I really like spending time with you but I just don’t think we should continue.”

I said, “Oh? If you like spending time with me, is there something that’s making you feel like we shouldn’t?”

She said, “I really like you a lot but it doesn’t feel like there’s that much passion behind the connection for either of us.”

I said, “Well I like you a lot too Jessica. I kind of got the feeling that maybe you weren’t all that into it. Or weren’t sure. And I don’t want to crowd you, especially after what you told with me your stalker.”

I wouldn’t be bringing up a stalker. That’s not a good thing. Because if you’re backpedaling and you’re bringing up a stalker, now, you’re bringing something negative. Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you or talking to you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So don’t do stuff like that. I would have just said, “Well, I liked you. I’d like to see you again if you’re up for it. But if you’re not, you know, then I wish you well and hit me up if you change your mind. But if you’d like to go out. When are you free?” That’s what I would have said.

“And I’m still pretty rusty when it comes to starting out seeing someone. Sorry for that. It’s been awhile.”

Well, I wouldn’t be apologizing for yourself either.

She said, “It’s a hard decision because I like you so much and you’ve not done anything wrong.”

It’s not me, it’s you. She didn’t say that, but she might as well.

“I just feel that if I’m not sure by date three, it’s unlikely to develop further.”  

So what she’s basically saying is that instead of her interest going up, it didn’t go anywhere or it went down. The bottom line is her interest went in the wrong direction. That’s a problem. So it could be there were things you were doing and saying on a date that turned her off. I mean, you did say you were leaning in a lot. Maybe your body language sucked. Maybe you were apologizing for yourself. Maybe you were saying things that made you look weak and unattractive.

You know, you apologizing about being rusty. It’s been a long time. It’s like those are not details that she needs to know. I wouldn’t be telling her things like that. Whenever you’re going to say something to a woman, you got to think, is this going to make me look more masculine, more attractive, more confident, and more together? Or is it going to make me look like I’m a screwball, I’m a beta male. I’m weak. I’m indecisive. I’m sure unsure of myself. I don’t think highly of myself. Women love confidence more than anything in a man.

I said, “Well if you’re not feeling it then nothing I can do. I understand. If you’d like to get together and kiss me again I’d like that.”

She said, “Haha. I’ll think on it.”

Well, when a woman says “I’ll think about it”, it usually means “no.”

Did I not show enough effort?

I would say that her interest was mediocre to begin with, and it never really went anywhere. It’s also possible that you were doing and saying things on the date that turned her off. Because at the end of the day, her interest went down instead of up.

Is she testing to see if I’m really interested?

I wouldn’t say that. I’m just saying her interest is low.

She has never initiated texting.

That shows low interest. Or maybe she structured.

What should I do, if anything?

I wouldn’t do anything at all. Remember, she’s supposed to think about it and get back to you.

She says she really likes me, but the passion isn’t there. 

Thank you,

Bob

So in other words, you’re a great guy, but you dry my pussy up. That’s basically what she said. So going back through the book, maybe there’s some things that you were saying and doing that were not aligned with the book. I mean, you did mention your body language that you were leaning in a lot. So that affects the tone of your voice. It affects your words. It affects the way you look, affects the way you carry yourself.

If you were communicating that you didn’t think highly of yourself or didn’t have confidence, or you were apologizing the whole evening, or telling her that you haven’t dated anybody in ten years because you were taking care of your parents, which is a great thing to do, that’s not something that makes you look confident and like a ladies man or like you’ve got your act together. So the bottom line is, and it could have just been, maybe you did everything great on a date, but her interest was just low and she gave you the benefit of the doubt and it just never went any higher. So in her mind, as she said, if after three dates she’s not feeling it, it’s time to dip out.

Because in other words, every single guy she’s ever gone out with that the same thing happened, it never went anywhere. And at the end of the day, what are we looking for? “Hell, yeah. I’d love to see. Oh, I’m so glad you called. I thought you forgot about me. I thought you lost my number.” That’s what you want to hear. You want to hear like ehh. And you said yourself that when you’re on the date, it just looked like she wasn’t feeling it or wasn’t that into it. That also sounds like there might have been awkward pauses and moments in the conversation where you had nothing to say. She had nothing to say, and maybe you started talking to fill the dead air space.

So that’s possible too. So again, going through the book and knowing it backwards and forwards. But overall, even from the first date, she doesn’t seem like she was super into it or excited because she never once reached out and she never once reached out. Her interest never really went anywhere. So again, you’re looking for excitement and enthusiasm about you. And she’s just, she’s not there. And so everything you’ve done at the end. I wouldn’t do anything else. The ball’s in her court. You told her what to do, and you got to be congruent with that. Because if you tell her to reach out, if she changes her mind. And then a couple of weeks go by and you don’t hear from her, then you reach out.

That just shows you didn’t have the confidence and the self control to let it be. Because if you love and you value yourself, you want somebody that’s excited to be with you and somebody that’s indecisive or unsure or she’s on the fence about you. It’s like, that dog won’t hunt. No, no thank you. You don’t do that. So unless you hear from her on to the next. But at least you’re getting out there. Dude, I think that’s awesome. I think it’s great that you were there for your parents, because most people just throw their parents in the retirement home. They don’t give a fuck.

And the fact that you were willing to take care of your family in their last years of life just shows what a good dude you are. So make sure you’re patient. You wait for a good woman who values and appreciates you, and most importantly, she’s excited to see you and spend time with you. You want enthusiasm. You don’t want a girl sitting on the fence about you. You can’t make up her mind. You want a woman that would jump fences to be with you. That’s what you’re looking for. That would be a winner.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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