She Said She’s Not Feeling It. You’re Too Serious!

What it means and what you should do when she says she’s not feeling it because you are too serious.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man eight times. He recently got dumped by a woman he’d been seeing for several weeks. He believes he was following the book exactly, but it’s obvious from his email he was cherry picking information and lying to himself about his behavior and actions.

After he invited her on a group date with his friends and one of them was talking with her one on one for awhile, things went sideways in a few days and she dipped. She said she did not see it going long term and wasn’t feeling it. That he was too serious. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Obviously, I’ve been through his email. Lots of little things in here that he’s doing that are the opposite of what the book teaches. A big thing is that what you’re trying to elicit in women is feelings of attraction, and so the more masculine you are and the more attractive qualities and traits you exhibit and, most importantly, the vibe that you give off, is going to determine how she feels about you and whether or not her attraction goes up over time or it goes down over time.

It’s obvious that this woman’s attraction was dropping, which you guys are familiar with my work and really know the book, will be able to see what he was doing wrong. What’s interesting is things really went sideways, because he went on a group date and invited this girl. I should say, he was already out with his buddies and invited her to meet them out, even though that’s one thing that the book says you don’t do. You only do group dates once you’re in a relationship and she’s head over heels in love with you.

One of his friends sat down with his hope to be next girlfriend, had a long talk and I’m sure the friend thought he was being helpful. After that conversation, her demeanor and behavior totally changed. Plus, she said some things about him that were kind of negative in how she perceived him.

This is just one of the reasons why you don’t do group dates. You can’t cherry pick what’s in the book, especially when you’re learning this. In essence, what this guy did is he continued to behave the way he always did. He cherry picked and did the things that he felt were easy and not a big deal, but other things in his behavior. He proceeded as he normally did. Therefore, he was displaying a lot of unattractive behavior.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I have been following your work for about a year now. I have read the book eight times so far and I am in the middle of my 9th read. I have bought both the physical and digital copies of your book as well as the audio book. Thank you for your awesome content! This email is on the longer side, so please bear with me. I am reaching out in regards to a woman I met recently where I felt I was…

He was in his feelings. Well, facts don’t care about your feelings.

…Following your principles closely (always room for improvement), but still found myself ultimately rejected. To be clear, I am not questioning your work, but there are a few caveats I would like to talk about. I am 28 years old and met this 25-year-old woman at a bar recently. I was direct and confident, told her I found her attractive and we ended up hanging out for a few hours.

So you hang out for a few hours. This is what’s so much better about meeting women in person versus on a dating app, is that you really get a chance to establish rapport. In this case, he’s hanging out probably with his friends. Meets this girl. They have an amazing conversation. The vibe is good. The conversation is good. There’s obviously mutual interest. He’s very direct, confident, goes for what he wants.

He has time to build rapport with her versus somebody you talk to for a few minutes on a dating app. If you’re not able to converse for hours like this when you first meet and you’re going to kind of be in the same venue, say you go to a friend’s barbecue or something or a football party in the weekend or like now we’re in the playoffs.

Like today, we’ve got a Panthers game and we’ve got a Heat game, Heat game number two and the playoffs. Maybe your friends are having a party because you’re all big sports fans. He says, “Let’s all get together, have some drinks, we’ll grill out. It’ll be awesome.” Then you go over there and there’s a cute girl there, so everybody’s going to sit there and watch the game. They’ll be there for probably three or four hours, so you’re not going anywhere.

You get plenty of time to get to know somebody, because this is how most people meet who they date and end up in relationships. Just kind of casually living their lives, going over to hang out with some friends. Then your buddy’s wife or girlfriend brings one of the hot single girls from the office over who she’s become friends with. You click. You connect. In this case, he’s out at a bar.

She was hot and heavy. There was intense petting, dancing and kissing the night we met. I got her number and reached out to her the next day to set up a definite date.

Remember, love is playful and fun. It is not serious, and if a woman is telling you you’re being too serious, it’s because you got to stick up your ass. Everything’s too, “It’s got to be this way,” or kind of grumpy. Takes himself too seriously. Gets butt-hurt or perturbed. You got to be easy going, easy to get along with. Things don’t get under your skin.

The first date went well, the conversation was flowing and she was all over me. Lots of kissing and petting again. I suggested at the end of the night to go back to one of our places…

Well, the way it’s phrased in the book is like, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” “Hey, would you like to go back to your place or my place? Hey, ready for sex yet?”

…But she said, “Not yet, I want to leave you desiring more.” The date was as close to perfect as I could ask.

I mean, just one little thing. You’re inviting her back to your place. If you’re all over each other and you’re kissing and heavy petting is going on, then you say, “Hey, let’s get out here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine.” If she says, “No, let’s have another drink,” then great. Then maybe 30-45 minutes later, same thing. You’re all over each other. “Hey, let’s go pop that bottle of wine. Let’s get out of here and go back to my place.”

You got to think of the logistics of sex. This is all covered in the book. Probably the way he phrased it was, “Hey, let’s go back to one of our places. Why don’t we go back to your place or my place?” Remember, this is a date that he planned, so he’s supposed to have all the logistics lined up ahead of time.

What was noteworthy to mention was she told me she got out of a 4-year relationship about a year earlier. Over the course of the next month, we went on four more dates. Each time was as good as the last date. She was all over me, bear hugging me at times and we ended up hooking up every date on-wards. The sex was great and I made sure she was satisfied every time. To be clear, I only ever used the phone to set up dates.

She would occasionally text me in between the time I had planned the dates saying, “Hope you are having a great day,” or “I hope you enjoyed your night out with friends.” I would keep the responses to a minimum, 3-4 texts back and forth before telling her I had to run. Some weeks, she would text me, others not. I found that weird as she was not as consistent as you mentioned she should be in the book by week 4-5.

What that means is it’s all interest. What should be happening is if he really was exhibiting the right behaviors, she should be calling and texting him more as the weeks went by, not texting him a bunch last week. Then this week he goes on a date, and then he doesn’t hear from her until the next time he reaches out. If her texting is inconsistent, that would tell me probably more than likely he’s vacillating back and forth, whether he realizes it or not on his dates of being in his masculine and being really attractive or doing and saying things that turn her off.

Regardless, I did not overreact or make a fuss about it. I remained unperturbed.

Something was definitely off, because the attraction level was going like this, instead of slowly, steadily up. It’s one thing to read the book eight times, but how many women did he date? How many times did he apply what was in the book? How many girls did he ask out? How many of the women that he asked out did he go out on dates with? How many of them did he sleep with? The key is, repetition is the mother of skill. You’ve got to go through the repetitions in order to get better.

If you just read the book a bunch and then you meet a girl you really like, you really haven’t practiced with anybody. If you’re trying to undo old behavior like most guys are and you haven’t practiced, and then you take into account you really like the girl, you’re going to still tend to pedestal her a little bit, be a little too soft, a little too compliant and be sloppy.

One night, I was out with friends and she sent me a cute pic. I asked her where she was and it ended up being that she was at the same bar we were at. We hung out for an hour and she met some of my friends. She talked to one of my friends about me. He later told me that she mentioned how she really liked me, but thought I came off too serious, but also said she couldn’t figure me out.

He’s being mysterious, so that’s a good sign, but he’s being too serious. In other words, he’s got a stick in his ass. He needs to lighten up. Not take things so seriously. Be more playful. He was too uptight. He’s coming across as not being really natural.

This seemed counter-intuitive as I never over-texted…

What’s not about the texting so much. It’s about the vibe. It’s about what you say. The bottom line is, she says you’re being too serious. In other words, you’re not playful. You’re not loose. You’re just uptight, like you got a stick up your ass.

When I do phone sessions with guys that have heard these things and I talk to them on the phone, they’re just real serious and, “Got to fit in my little box. Step on some toes. We must be at the restaurant at 9 p.m. We can’t get there at 9:01 p.m., 9 p.m.” You gotta be loose. Have fun. Relax. Do you ever watch the podcast with me and the girls? We’re always joking around, goofing off and having a good time. Not taking ourselves too seriously. And that you can laugh at yourself. Doesn’t sound like too much of that was going on.

…And felt I was as close to perfect when it came to your principles.

Well, you’re inviting the girl out on a group date when you’re out with your pals.

How could I be too serious, but she also could not figure me out?

It just means that you were doing a good job of being mysterious, but you still acted like you had a stick up your butt. You weren’t very playful. You weren’t very loose. You were uptight. Probably too worried about what she thought or what she was thinking, because you were all in your head most of the time that you were with her.

It’s one of the reasons why you read the book 10-15 times. You get to know the book backwards and forwards, so you understand the playfulness and the way you act and interact with women like you do with all of them. If you’ve only read it a few times and you really haven’t practiced it very much, it’s going to take some time to get good, because you’ve got to interact with women. You’ve got to be able to tell when you’re turning them on and when you’re turning them off. Sometimes you’ll be a little too abrasive. Other times, you’ll be too soft and indecisive.

She was also pretty drunk that night, so perhaps she was drunk talking.

He’s dismissing what she’s saying as if it’s irrelevant. This is one of the biggest mistakes almost every guy makes with women, is they make assumptions on what she’s saying or they just go, “Oh, it’s a bunch of nonsense.” Which there is a part here when after they broke up or she broke it off, she was explaining to him what she meant and he just said, “Oh, it’s a bunch of nonsense.” So he didn’t share any of that.

Part of his problem is he doesn’t understand what she’s saying and he’s just dismissive of it, and that is a bad way to go. That is a recipe for disaster. Nine times out of 10, when a guy makes assumptions about what a woman really means, he’s wrong. He just says, “Oh, I’m not too serious. She was just drunk talking.” That’s a mistake. She’s communicating something to him and he’s dismissing it.

There were probably other things that she was communicating with him on their dates and he dismissed it. Maybe little comments she said here and there. He didn’t get the message. He just dismissed it. “I know this stuff. She’s just trolling me. She’s shit testing me.”

We had a date planned the next day, so after an hour, my group of friends left. She gave me a big hug and kiss before I left and told me she couldn’t wait to see me tomorrow. The next day, a few hours before the date, she cancelled saying she was still hungover from last night and asked to reschedule.

That’s not a good sign.

She was very apologetic and I could confirm she was not lying, as I knew she was definitely drunk the night before.

Kind of irresponsible. You got a date with the man of your dreams, potentially, and you drink too much and you have to miss the date. Does it sound like the date was really a priority for her the next day? Nope. I wouldn’t have invited her to meet out with your friends.

Besides, if it’s late at night and you’re out with your friends, you shouldn’t be texting drunk, texting with a girl that you’re hoping to increase her interest. It would have been better if you’d left your phone in your pocket instead of going, “Did she text me? Did you text me? I got a text. What does it mean?” As soon as she reaches out, he’s like, “Oh, where are you? Oh, let’s find each other. Oh, I want you to meet all my friends.” Bad way to go.

One of his friends corners the girl, pulls her away from him and sits her down. Probably says, “I got to put a good word in for my buddy,” which probably he made his friend look like a bitch. Probably told her about all the girls that had blown him off or rejected him. Who knows what this friend said to this girl.

This is why you don’t do it, because you’re going to have invariably guys that are part of your group that don’t understand women at all, and they think they’re being helpful and all they end up doing is making you look like a bitch who is a loser with women. “Oh, this girl who he was dating last year really broke his heart. It took him a long time to get over it, and he really likes you a lot. He really cares about you. He talks about you all the time,” and he says how great you are and blah blah blah. “Oh, this might be the one. I’m going to marry her.” Your friend is saying all these things like, “I’m putting a good word in for my buddy,” and all he’s doing is making you look like a bitch.

I called her and set up plans for the next week. She told me her schedule was wide open, so I did not think much about it as she made the planning very easy. In between the time this was set up, I did not text her, but noticed she wasn’t texting me with the, “How’s your day been,” and other things like that, which she normally did.

At this point, we know her interest is dropped and this is right after. You meet, you get her to meet up with you and your group of friends. One of your buddies pulls her aside and has what he thinks is a helpful conversation with her. Ever since then, she cancelled a date the very next day and he gets no texts. That’s not a good sign, because she could have told your buddy, “Oh yeah, He’s really serious.” He’s like, “Yeah, he is kind of anal,” and, “Yeah, he’s kind of uptight, but he’s a good guy. He needs to loosen up. I’ve been telling him that since we were kids.”

Regardless, I did not let that bother me, and six days later, we met up for our 6th date. Immediately when I saw her, I noticed she seemed a bit colder than usual.

That’s not a good sign.

She usually gave me a big hug and a kiss on the lips every time we were first meeting up. This time, as I went for the hello kiss, she turned her face and got her cheek.

That’s not good. There could have been another guy in the picture that she was dating, and between your helpful friend, he said something that just made you look less unattractive. That was the difference. Maybe she decided she was going to get more serious with the other guy.

I did not let that bother me and proceeded per usual.

I would have been like, “What’s with the cheek? What’s up with that? No kissy poo?” With a smile on my face, but he’s uptight and too serious all the time.

We had dinner and the convo seemed OK. Big caveat here; out of nowhere in the middle of our conversation, she randomly mentioned to me, “You know what bothers me? Grown men. Why are they so dramatic about everything?”

So obviously she’s referring to him.

I tried to play it off, but should’ve investigated.

I would have been like, “What do you mean? What are you talking about? What does that mean? Oh, they’re so dramatic about it. What are men dramatic about? Like what way? What do you mean? What are you talking about?” Instead, he was dismissive and didn’t ask good quality questions.

I am assuming she was going on a dumping spree of other men she may have been talking to.

You being one of them.

After dinner, I suggested we go play pool, which she agreed to. It was a block up the street. Usually when we walked from place to place, she was wrapped around me the whole time. This time, her hand was in her pockets and she was distant from me.

Not good. Remember the last time they saw each other in person was on the group date? Something was said between your buddy and this girl. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Everything changed after that night. This is why you don’t go on group dates. You have a helpful friend running his mouth, who obviously doesn’t know the book or understand it, because quite frankly, this guy doesn’t really understand it.

I remained cool and did not mention it. I treated it like the cat was a little bored. When we made it to the bar for pool, it ended up being the wait was two hours, so I tried to make a move on the fly. We went up the street to another place, but same luck.

Doesn’t sound like he really planned his date out very good, so he got sloppy. Man’s always got to have a plan, and he didn’t have a plan. He was flying by the seat of his pants.

At this point, she seemed off and when I suggested we go to a bar to dance she responded with, “Idk I am feeling pretty low-energy tonight.” Then (and this was probably not the right move) suggested we go back to my place to relax and throw on a movie.

“Hey, you want some dick? Well, I know the pool thing didn’t turn out, but hey, Want some dick?”

Then she opened up and said, “I don’t see this going long-term. I am not really feeling this.”

Ouch!

I tried to get her to open up and asked, “What do you mean?” She said she felt I was too serious, just like my friend had mentioned to me.

Remember, he was dismissive of this.

When I tried to get her to tell me what she meant, she spoke in what essentially was nonsensical gibberish.

How are you going to fix anything if you just dismiss what the girl says? It would have been helpful if you would have shared what the gibberish was she told you, because it obviously wasn’t gibberish. I would have been happy to interpret it, but it probably made him look bad, so he excluded that from his email.

She said that she was looking for something long-term, but did not see it with me and was not open to anything. She even voluntarily mentioned (I didn’t offer this) that she did not want to be friends. I then let her go. Later that night, I texted her telling her I liked her and enjoyed our time together, and that I would like to work things out.

Well, it doesn’t sound like you were really open to listening to her anyways, because you dismissed everything as gibberish.

So if she changes her mind to reach out to me (This text was more on the needy side and I should not have done this).

Remember, this is a guy who was claiming in the very first paragraph that he followed everything in the book.

She responded the next day saying even though she enjoyed our time together and thought I was great, that she did not see us being compatible long term.

Yeah, you’re too serious. You’re overly dramatic. In other words, you make a mountain out of a molehill. That’s what women are supposed to do. Men are not supposed to make mountains out of molehills. So who knows? Maybe he got perturbed at a waiter. There’s a whole host of issues. He’s just being serious and not too loose, too uptight.

She ended the text saying, “Don’t hate me if I run into you at the bar we met at, and come over to say ‘hi’.” I responded, “No hard feelings. HMU if you change your mind.” It’s been about a month now, and I have been in no contact. What happened Coach?

I don’t know. Maybe you should ask your friend what they really talked about. What did he say? Was he trying to help you by saying good things about you and talking about how you’ve been screwed over by other women in the past? That’s typically what a lot of guys do that don’t know any better say.

If I’m going to pinpoint something, obviously her interest was going up and down, because you’re overly dramatic and too serious. I wasn’t on the date. He didn’t include any of that information, probably because it made him look bad, because he didn’t want to admit that. It’s much easier to say, “Hey, I was following the book. It didn’t work.” You went on a group date after like, four weeks in, bro. The book says don’t do that. This is why.

Everything changed after the group date. If things were not going good before the group date, but on the group date she walked away from that and made up her mind that, “Yeah, I’m not feeling it.” That’s the real reason why she cancelled the next day. She just wasn’t excited to see him.

If she really cared about the guy and didn’t want to disappoint him and didn’t want to take a chance on losing him to another girl, even if she was hung over, she would’ve said, “I’m not really feeling good. Can we just, you know, maybe come over and make dinner together and chill?” That’s what she would have wanted to do, but she cancelled. Then on the date, she’s a cold fish. It was obvious on the date she was there out of obligation, not because she wanted to be there.

I am sure I could point out very small things I could’ve done better (maybe one too many kisses on the forehead or other subtleties giving relationship vibes)…

He’s probably more touchy feely. Touching her, kissing her and ignoring the fact that she wasn’t as touchy feely with him, because his interest had gone up a lot,

…But overall I felt I followed your principles well.

I would say no, you did not. All it takes is one bad conversation, especially when our interest isn’t that high to begin with.

My guess (I can’t confirm this) is that her ex of 4 years maybe reached out and they got back together.

Possible.

Thanks so much for the response, Coach. You are amazing and changing lives including mine!

Bob

Well Bob, it would be helpful if you applied what was in the book properly. You can’t cherry pick things and invite girls on group dates with your buddies, and then have one of your buddies go and corner her for an hour and you’re not privy to the conversation and he says, “Oh yeah, I talked to this girl you’re dating and she said, ‘You’re just too serious.'” Yeah well, how did that conversation come up?

Obviously, your buddy is probing this girl, probably interrogating her a little bit and then hearing things from her that he thought he needed to fix or to try to make you look better, and all he ended up doing was making you look like a douche, because everything completely changed after that conversation she had with your friend. I

don’t know how close you are to this guy, but it would probably behoove you to find out what he actually talked about. Don’t pick up the phone and call this girl to apologize or grovel to her because what’s done is done, but it would be helpful for you to find out what your friend actually said, and then you could correct him on why he shouldn’t have said certain things.

If I was to pinpoint the end, it was when you invited her out for the group date. That’s just not good when you have helpful friends, or it could be a girlfriend of a friend of yours or something. It could be a woman that knows you, and your friend hears her saying bad things about you and he’s trying to justify it. He probably said things he shouldn’t have said, because he doesn’t know any better.

Obviously, this guy hasn’t read the book enough to know it backwards and forwards and applied it enough to become competent with it. He’s cherry picking and he cherry picked the things that he used. Therefore, that’s why her interest was doing this, because he’s inconsistent. He’s too serious and- What was the other thing that she said?- Too serious and uptight. Not a good way to go.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. And if you’ve got a good email question you’d like to send in, whether it’s for me directly or you want me and the girls to discuss it in the podcast, send it to Questions@understanding relationships.com.