Guys get into trouble in their long-term relationships when they get lazy, complacent and take their relationship for granted. The guys stopped doing the things that caused their wives or girlfriends to fall in love with them in the first place. Slowly over time as the woman feels less and less loved by her man, she will also stop putting her best foot forward. She will back away and start to doubt the long term viability of their relationship. After all, if he really cared about her he would ask her why she is so cold and distant. To a woman, if the guy doesn’t ask it means he doesn’t care. Every woman reacts differently when she shuts down emotionally to her man. Some women become bitchy. Some women become sad and depressed. Some women play games and purposely do things to sabotage the relationship in hopes that he will figure out what’s wrong and fix it. Some women will simply slowly back away when they feel he is not fully emotionally present with them.
The following is an e-mail from a phone coaching customer of mine who has been dating his dream woman for a little over a year now. He’s been doing great, but lately he’s been taking the relationship and her for granted. He tends to be cold and distant with her at times. The conversation is also getting dull, boring, stale and predictable. He’s starting to feel her backing away and is now becoming insecure and worrying about other men hitting on her. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I hope all is well. Thank you for continuing with the articles. I look forward to them.
I have something on my mind about my gf. She went to England this past weekend. She met up with many friends, two of which are women that are good friends of hers. There were some dudes. One of the nights, her single friend invited a guy to hang out with them and he brought his friend. At one point it was my gf, her friend and these two dudes. She was out dancing until 3 AM. She has done this before. I don’t express it to her, but I have an insecurity with this. I know through your teachings that she will get hit on and I need to just get over any insecurity I have with that. That’s my shit to deal with and I will gladly work on it.
I am insecure because I feel like I am failing to maintain her level of interest. (Your spidey sense is tingling. Pay attention to that!) It has less to do with her being out late, dancing. There are less I miss you’s from her, she used to call me more, text more, etc. She never texts me goodnight anymore. (That is because her interest level is dropping a little.) Many times over the past month I did not respond right away to her texts. (You are becoming complacent and not placing as high a value on the relationship as you did before. You are taking it for granted. Therefore, you are no longer putting your best foot forward. What you do to get her to fall in love is what you do to keep her in love. The courtship never ends!) I did not pick up the phone when I was busy, I almost always end the conversation first. I have a tendency to be more of a cold fish than smothering, which could be just as bad. (You should always be sweet, funny and charming, but not a doormat. Being a cold dick will make her feel like you don’t care about or appreciate her. This will cause her to withdraw and back up.) This may be hurting her or something else, I do not know. (It’s not building any intimacy in your relationship.) I’m always busy with work or fixing something in the house or working out. I get immersed in that type of stuff. The other truth is when we chat at the end of her day, the conversation is always the same. How was your day? How was work? How was your workout? I can’t wait to see you, etc. (Where’s the variety in that?) I don’t mind it, but I think she might. (Predictable is boring and causes her interest level to fall. Women are like cats and need something to be curious about and wonder about.) And, as you know, she is always typing away when we are on the phone. Checking her mail, Facebook, icing, etc. (Women are great muti-taskers. It’s also a sign that she is not fully present in your conversation because your conversation is not exciting enough by itself to keep her stimulated.)
I did not express this during the phone coaching session and I should have. (I can only help you with things you tell me about. Maybe we should move up your next coaching appointment? Shoot me an email if you want to.) My concerns over this past weekend prompted my concerns. She did mention yesterday that I need to work on my communication, but I could not get her to elaborate. (She offered resistance because if you really care about her, you will prove it by being persistent to break thru her barriers so she tells you. Be persistent until she tells you. If you don’t care about her, you will not bring it up. This will hurt her emotionally and make her doubt your feelings for her. This will make her pursue you less.) Probably because I need to work on my communication. (You need to talk honestly and openly about the invisible wall you two are building between each other. Ask her what she meant. Tell her if you two are going to have a loving relationship with good communication, then she needs to explain what specifically she is referring to. Something is bothering her and its up to you do dig to find out what that is.) Tonight she texted me that she got home. I was busy and didn’t text right away. Then she called me and I was on my way to the hardware store, said I would be back in a half hour. I got back 45 minutes later and Skyped her, no answer. Texted her, no response. Called her and she answered and said she was watching a movie. I said call me back. She did and we talked, but I still could not get her to laugh. (She is cold and distant. She is shutting down to you emotionally. It’s up to you to open her back up so she talks. She closes down because you make her feel like you don’t care. When you don’t ask or let things fester, this makes her feel worse. Why? If you cared, you would ask.) I suck. (Bullshit) Need some help here.
What do you think? (Talk to her. Ask her what’s wrong and what does she mean when she says you need to communicate better? In what way, etc.? Be relentless and use humor to get thru. Don’t give up. You love her. This is your girl. She’s not her normal sweet self. Handle it dude. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships.)
Thanks for taking the time, bro.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” ~ Confucius