What it really means when a woman says you’re a great guy, but doesn’t feel anything for you romantically.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer from Eastern Europe who got romantically involved with a woman on the rebound after her relationship of three years ended. He became needy and clingy after she came on really strong and chased him at first. However, as he chased and pursued and tried to lock her down to a commitment, she bounced.
Now he is unsure of what to do as they work together a few days each week. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” That totally applies, and especially in these kinds of situations, where you’re getting involved with somebody that is fresh out of a relationship, or they haven’t been out of one for very long.
Greetings from Eastern Europe! I’m in a rebound ‘relationship’ with a seriously beautiful coworker that she initiated after breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years. She was very interested at first, even said she was falling for me after only a couple of dates, then seemed to try to back off, but I wouldn’t really let her, as I was trying to get her to commit.
That’s a bad way to go.
I didn’t know what I know now, having read your book a couple of times.
Okay, fair enough. I won’t light you up this time. I might light you up a little later on in the email, we’ll see. I’ll be nice. I’ll behave myself today.
Anyway, we continued, she would be hot and cold, we would argue all the time because she was being disrespectful or jealous. She would break up, I would chase, and vice versa.
Yikes. Come on, man.
She would act uninterested one day, then be insanely jealous the other, but would never really emotionally open up or communicate as an adult, (she’s 27). She’s extremely insecure. I think we probably had 20+ fights in the 5 months that we’re together.
Boy, that just sounds like so much fun. Twenty fights in five months? That’s a man who does not understand women. Men who understand women do not argue with them. As Zan Perrion says, “A man who loves women is loved by women.” There’s nothing in that statement about arguments.
Also, she insisted on keeping the relationship secret, especially at work, (even though some people knew), but would go out on dates with me no problem. And yeah, also no social media photos.
So what does that tell you? That you’re way more into her than she is into you, because she doesn’t want it to be official. And she just wants you to relax, and back off and let her come to you.
I am very confident she was not seeing anyone else including the ex, 100%. There was a lot of crazy behavior. At one point, I thought she might have BPD.
Well, hell, maybe both of you guys do. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychologist, but acting this way is not healthy for either one.
Fifteen days ago, she told me on the phone she can’t do it anymore, (for the 1000th time).
And yet, you kept coming back for more and more.
I’m a great guy, but she just doesn’t feel anything. That she’s been treating me poorly all along, and she can’t respect me because I don’t respect myself.
I should not have to put up with her behavior.
So, in other words, she mistreated him and he kept going, “Thank you, ma’am. Thank you. May I have another, please? More abuse, thank you. More disrespect. Yes, ma’am. Oh, let me throw myself into this puddle and you can wipe your feet on me and I’ll be a doormat, because that’s where I belong, your highness – in the mud puddle with your feet being wiped on my chest.”
Yes, that’s so masculine and manly. Congratulations. Women in Eastern Europe, they do not like guys that behave this way. A lot of them have not been corrupted by the feminism virus that’s running rampant here in the West – the commie feminist virus.
I’ve made a ton of mistakes, obviously, (needy, argumentative, buying gifts for someone that is technically not my girlfriend, apologizing with flowers, Lol), because I didn’t have your book before. But this time, I said fine and went full no contact.
Seven days later, she reaches out at 3:00 am asking me if I want to go for a drive and to show me her new hair color, Lol. I talk to her for too long honestly, but I say, “No I have shit to do in the morning.” We do see each other 2 days later. She tells me she missed me, asks if I missed her, we hook up.
He followed the book. Nice job.
We keep spending time together the entire week, (I make the stupid mistake of pursuing 50-50 again, but I do keep the HHH approach).
Hang out, have fun, hook up. Dude, when it’s 50/50, that’s that’s when you get the “I don’t feel anything for you.” That’s the roommate, platonic friend zone.
Now again, she tells me I’m great, but I’m trying too hard.
This woman is helping you. I don’t know that she has BPD. Maybe you’re just causing her to act like a lunatic, because you’re acting like a lunatic. She gets emotional, you try to argue with her. I would say it’s you, bro. She’s just responding to how you’re showing up, because as soon as you acted normal, “Hey, it’s 3:00 a.m. Can we go for a drive, baby? I missed you. Do you miss me?” Complete attitude change.
But what does he do? He goes right back to over pursuing. You should be letting her do 100% of the pursuing and then just simply make dates, dude. It’s so simple. Especially when you’re dealing with a woman like this, you have to let her come to you.
She wants to end it again. I say, “Okay fine, but don’t call me a week later.” She says she can’t promise that.
So, he gets mad and he gets butt-hurt and he says, “Don’t call me anymore. I don’t want to talk to you ever again. I’m taking my toys. I’m leaving the sandbox. I’m going home to my mommy.”
We have a monster fight. She admits she’s a bad person for using me and not giving me the love I deserve. That’s why she’s ending it. I say nasty things to try and get her to not call again, but in the morning, we meet up and have sex, Lol.
You’re both lunatics, but that’s okay. There’s lots of them in the world. We have lunatics that are running our country, and that’s working out swell.
There’s so much crazy and flaky stuff that she did in these 5 months that I would need to write 10 emails.
Well, it’s probably in response to your beta behavior. Because if you’d been acting like a man consistently, we would have a better idea of what she’s really like. But when you’re acting like a soy boy, beta male and you’re getting disrespected, you deserve it, because you’re not acting like a man.
After reading your book a couple of times, I’m aware of the mistakes I’ve made and will read it more to prevent myself from making new ones. Does she belong to the streets?
I don’t know. You might belong to the streets, actually.
Should I try to keep this insane relationship?
Stop pursuing her, let her do all the pursuing, bro. This is such a simple thing to fix. You’re making it way harder on yourself than it needs to be, because you’re trying to force everything. She’s even telling you. Women help you when they like you, and she’s telling you what to do. But what do you do? You lose your shit and you call her a bunch of nasty names. It’s like, fuck!
There’s some weird thing pulling us together, toxicity maybe, Lol.
Well, there’s obviously an attraction there, but you’re just you’re creating all these unnecessary problems. It’s totally avoidable.
We do work together a couple of times a week, which makes it more difficult. Is no contact the way to go? What approach should I have with her if, foolishly, I decide to answer when she reaches out?
Thanks so much, Coach,
When she reaches out, it’s like, “Hey babe, I want to see you. Get your cute little ass over here. Let’s make some dinner together,” or something along those lines. In this particular case, wait to hear from her, make dates at your place to hang out, have fun and hook up. And if she comes over three dates in a row and you do that, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on dates. But you’ve got to let her do all of the pursuing. She’ll be all over you, just like she was in the beginning.
If you notice how she was in the very beginning, where she was doing all or pursuing, all the chasing, “I’m falling for you,” and then what happened? You started pursuing her more and you turned her off. You got in the way of her emotionally bonding to you.
I mean, this was such an easy setup for you. If you had done nothing from the beginning, she would have kept blowing your phone up, and then all you would have had to do is, “Hey babe, let’s get together. Hey, I want to see your face. Hey, I miss you. Let’s get together. Come on over. I’ll pick you up at 5:00,” or whatever.
Wait to hear from her, make dates, hang out, have fun and hook up. There’s nothing in there about relationships. It’s not your job to make a relationship happen. It’s just your job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Stop over-complicating this stuff, dude. It doesn’t have to be this way.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you choose to get romantically involved with someone fresh out of a long-term relationship, you must be aware that their feelings are usually raw, hot and cold and often inconsistent. The worst thing you can do is to over pursue and try to lock them down to a commitment. You must let them come to you at their own pace without trying to force things. That way, if a relationship is even possible with them, it will be their idea when they feel ready. Loving in such a way that they feel free is essential to creating the conditions that they choose to have a relationship with you. If they don’t feel free, they will bounce on you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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