She Says She Doesn’t Want A Man In Her Life & Needs Space. What Now?

What it means when a woman says she doesn’t want a man in her life & needs space.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s listened to 3% Man 10 times so far this year. He started dating a woman about a month ago and they got serious pretty quickly. Then they had a minor fight about him not responding to her messages quickly enough. They exchanged I love you’s and he thought things were back to normal. Then she broke things off a week later, saying she doesn’t want a man in her life and needs space.

She said he did nothing wrong, but now he’s confused and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man 10 times so far this year. However in his email, it’s pretty clear that as soon as he started dating this woman about a month or so ago, that despite the fact he claims to have read the book 10 times, it doesn’t seem like he’s doing anything that lines up with what’s in the book.

For his first date, he went on a movie date. If you’re trying to create rapport with a girl, typically you don’t go on movie dates for your first date. That’s something you do down the road when your boyfriend/girlfriend. So that’s just one of the things that I noticed right off the bat. It’s nice that he claims to have read the book 10 times, but if he’s going to read the book and then just continue to do the opposite of what it teaches, he should not be surprised that he got pushed away and needed space, because they got pretty serious pretty quickly. Then they had a minor blow up over her complaining that he doesn’t respond to her texts quick enough, and so he complied. Then a week later, she’s like, “I need space. He’s like, “What the hell, Corey?”

His email is short, but it’s pretty clear just from a few things that he points out in his email that he’s not really acting and behaving in ways that the book teaches. You could read the book 10 times or 100 times, but if you do the opposite, you’re still displaying a lot of unattractive behavior. That’s typically what happened here. It just seems like from the beginning, she had total control of the relationship, and he’s constantly jumping through his butt trying to please her and not really listening to or applying what he’s learned in the book, and most cases, at least from what I see in the email, he’s actually doing the opposite of it.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I have listened to your book 10 times this year, but am still wondering what I did wrong. I understand that women are like cats and this might be one of those scenarios but I would like your input.

I have been seeing this girl for a month and a half  and we’ve had lots of chemistry from the beginning. On our first date, we went to the movies…

Well, if you read the book 10 times, again you’re going to a movie date for your first date. The book tells you don’t go to a movie date. So when I see things like that, people go like, “Oh, I read it 10 times, Coach, but I don’t understand why it’s going sideways.” Then right off the bat, I mean, the second sentence in, you’re like, “I went to a movie.”

…And we cuddled and even made out for most of it! After a month she was telling me how she wanted to be official and she started posting me on her social media. A couple days later and we got into a little argument about how I wasn’t responding fast enough, and I told her that I loved her and told her that I would respond faster.

Well, you shouldn’t be jumping through your butt if you’re a busy professional, you’re in meetings during the day and your girl is getting kind of neurotic and insecure about that, that’s not something you can comply with because you can’t let it affect your business or your career, especially if you’re in meetings or whatever. You’ll get back to her when you can.

Some guys just have that type of a job where they’re not on their phones 24/7, or it’s sitting in their office. When I’m having meetings and stuff, especially if I’m filming, I’m not on my phone or answering my phone, even though I’m seeing through iMessage that people are messaging me. I’m not responding back until I get done, and I may be doing this for an hour, hour and a half, two hours. So if a girl’s getting upset with you because you don’t jump through your butt instantly as soon as she texts you because you’re not available or your job just doesn’t enable you to be that way, then that’s a typically a sign that she’s kind of insecure. To just jump through your butt when she gets mad trying to comply so she doesn’t get upset, it shows me that he’s kind of got a little bit of a pleaser mentality, they’re only dating for a few weeks, then she’s getting pissed off, “Oh, you don’t respond quick enough.” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness. I don’t want to piss you off.”

You want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and you’ll respond to her when you can, and she should be happy to hear from you. If she’s getting mad and pissed off, “Oh, you didn’t text me back quick enough.” It’s like, “I was in a meeting.” “You should have stopped the meeting. You should have come outside the meeting and texted me back. It’s really important. I wanted to tell you about my parakeet getting sick,” or whatever it happens to be. So he has the argument, says, “I love you,” blah blah blah. Then she said she loved him too.

She said she loved me too, so I thought everything was good after that.

A week went by and I commented on one of her new posts telling her that I loved her, but she deleted my comment.

Yeah, you shouldn’t be fangirling and trolling your girl’s social media and spewing I love you’s because you’re worried about her approval. So unless she she complains about it, something like that, when the relationship is still new, it’d be different if you guys were together for a year, that’s normal, but vomiting your feelings on her social media, again that’s not going to make her interest go up.

I found it weird and asked her why. She said she didn’t want her friends judging her and that we moved too quickly into the relationship.

So my perception is, because this email is short and he doesn’t really elaborate on things, he definitely tries to give the impression at the beginning of the email, “Oh, I’ve read the book 10 times, so I did everything right.” Then the second sense he’s like, “Our first date, I went to a movie.” The book says specifically don’t take her to a movie. So I’m going to have to assume he either really sucks at reading comprehension, or he didn’t actually read the book 10 times or maybe he was listening to the audio-book while he was working out, or he was driving, or maybe while he was doing chores in his house or vacuuming, it was kind of background noise, so he wasn’t really concentrating on the material, because women don’t go from locking you down and asking you to be in a relationship and a commitment, and then dumping you a week or two later in a vacuum.

Obviously, the only reason they do that is because their feelings changed. So what’s happened is even though she brought up being in a relationship, the fact that you’re vomiting your feelings onto her social media and she’s deleting it right away, that shows that you’re really not that important to her. So maybe as soon as she asked you to be her boyfriend, you just thought, “OK, I got this. Everything’s done. I’m gonna spike the football. We’re on easy street from here on out. Now we’re boyfriend/girlfriend. I can revert back to my old ways.” That tells me that you were way more into her than she was into you, and you had no idea. You couldn’t tell. You thought everything was just hunky dory and wonderful, and the fact that she’s going, “Oh, we moved too quickly into a relationship,” even though it was her idea, that tells me her attraction was going up in the beginning, and then it quickly started going the other way.

I told her that it was fine, but she was adamant we take a break and that she, “Didn’t want a man in her life anymore and that she needed space.” 

Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. They dump men that they’ve lost respect and attraction for. All that tells me is like again, because the email is short, is that whatever reason, whatever you were doing and saying when you were with her was turning her off and causing her to lose interest.

She said, “I did nothing wrong…”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” The only thing he did wrong was he didn’t follow what was in the book, and he displayed obviously too much unattractive behavior, which is kind of hard to tell because he didn’t really elaborate on what he did or said or didn’t do or say. It’s pretty clear she lost attraction and respect for him. Usually what that means is that the guy starts pursuing more. Maybe she backed off a little bit after they got serious, so he started calling more, texted more, and instead of her doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, he started doing all of it.

I’ve seen that happen a lot too. When guys get a little hiccup or in his case, she complains that he’s not quick enough to respond to her messages. So maybe he overcompensated and went the other way and started drooling all over her, texting her constantly, reassuring her that he cares, and basically going against everything that he learned in the book. So what he did is he reverted back to the way he used to be before he came across the work, because she complained once, and then this quickly caused her interest and attraction to plummet. Then once the feelings are gone and the respect is gone, that’s why she says she needs space.

Women say they need space because they feel smothered. That means you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much, you’re too serious, you’re drooling all over them. That’s why they do that. They can tell that you’re way more into them than they are into you. When they typically back off a little bit because they behave like cats, guys that don’t know any better start to pursue, they call more, they text more, they become more emotional, they talk about their feelings more. They end up going from letting the woman come to them to where they’re chasing after her all the time.

…And “This goodbye isn’t forever,” and she, “Will always think of me.”

Well, she unilaterally ended your relationship. She broke it off. The bottom line is she lost attraction and respect for you. I can’t tell exactly what it was like, but the bottom line, based on her response, which is the predictable canned response. I got clients in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Pakistan, Russia, China or Europe, the UK. They all say the same thing. Doesn’t matter what continent they’re on. They predictably say they need space because they feel smothered when she doesn’t want a man or a life anymore. What she’s really saying is she doesn’t want you in her life anymore because she’s not feeling it. Women don’t care what a great guy you are. She may have been in love with you or said, “I love you,” after a few weeks of dating, but after that, it’s clear her interest went the opposite way and as she backed off, more than likely this guy started to over-pursue. Again, when women say this, this is what it means. They don’t just pull it out of their ass and say it for the hell of it. They say it because their feelings have changed. When a woman says, “I need space,” it’s because they feel smothered and the guy’s not backing off and he’s too into them, he cares too much. That’s predictably what happens.

I’m confused as what to do?

Bob

Well, if you had actually read the book 10 times and paid attention, you should not be confused. That just tells me you don’t have a grasp of the information. That’s on you. If you’re going to listen to the book on audio-book, I recommend doing one and a half or two-speed while you follow along the digital physical copy, because that forces you to look at the book and look at the words as they’re being spoken, so you actually will remember the stuff and learn it. Not, “Oh, I listened to the book 10 times while I was mowing my lawn and doing other things and doing stuff in the house and listening to music at the same time,” or whatever.

You got to really concentrate on getting the material into your brain, not just doing a half-assed job of thumbing through it or using it as background noise, because you’re just not going to do well if you don’t learn the material. It’s clear he’s doing and saying things that are the opposite of what’s in the book. Again, right from the beginning, the second line of the email, he’s showing right away that he wasn’t really a good student. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That means your pursuit of this woman is over forever. You’re never, ever going to call or text her again for any reason. If she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

You have to let women come to you at their pace. Somewhere along the way, probably after you got serious, you were like, “Well, my work is done here. I can coast.” You probably reverted back to the way you used to be before you came across my work. Then it only took a matter of weeks for you to chase her out of your life, because I would also say that you overrated her attraction level to you. You overrated her romantic interest in you. I mean, it was only a couple of weeks and she completely went from wanting to be exclusive with you to basically saying she’s got no time for you. So I’d get back to the book, get back to the basics and get two or three other women that you can practice on and apply this with, so if she does come back and you start hooking up again, you’re not in a mad dash to get her to commit to you and you’re not in such a rush to commit to her once again, because at this point, you should be a little skeptical. You shouldn’t be in such a rush. You want to be selective at who you date and how much of your life you turn over to them. So you definitely got some work to do, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.