She Says She’s Not Ready For A Relationship, But Then Says She Can’t Wait To See Me. Why?

What it means when a woman says she isn’t ready for a relationship but can’t wait to see you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who recently returned to my work after eight years of being in a relationship. He started dating a new woman recently who says she isn’t ready for a relationship and that she might dip if she gets scared. However, a little while later she is saying how she can’t wait to see him again.

He asks if it’s worth continuing to date her, or just stick to the book and be patient. He’s having a hard time because he really likes her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who recently returned to my work after a 7-8 year absence. So he stopped following me all those years ago because he says he read 3% Man twice, and then he got into a relationship and rode off into the sunset, but that relationship ended, and now he’s back in the dating game.

So he’s been seeing a girl that he really likes, but she just got out of a relationship or she’s basically telling him she’s having a difficult time and she’s verbalizing her emotions one minute. Just like the headline says, “She’s not ready for a relationship.” Then he’s like, “Hey, we’ll take it slow. No big deal,” which he’s doing the right things to handle it, but because he really likes this girl, he’s really having a hard time with it. So he’s wondering if he should continue to date, date her, or dip, or just stick to the book and be patient, because the thing you got to remember is that women tend to speak in hyperbole, so they tend to exaggerate because everything is really tied to their emotions and how they interpret the world. That’s why they’ll say things like, “You never take me anywhere! We never do anything,” and the guy’s like, “We just went out. We went away for the weekend, last month, last week. What are you talking about?”

Women are in the present moment and what they say is a reflection of how they’re feeling in the moment. So you should just focus on what she’s saying. What she’s doing in the moment is a reflection of where she’s at. If she says she’s not ready for a relationship, usually 99% of the time when a woman, that’s assuming she’s normal, when she says that, it’s because she feels a little smothered, she may be feeling like you’re a little too controlling. At the end of the day, what it really means is she can tell that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. In other words, you’re further on down the line towards being in a relationship or being ready for a relationship than she is. Women will say that basically in a nice way without hurting your feelings, is saying, “Hey, you need to pump the brakes. You’re way more serious about this than I am. I’m still processing my feelings. Let’s go really slow,” because if you pressure a woman and you try to twist her arm to get her into a relationship before she’s ready, oftentimes she’ll bounce even after she’s agreed to it. She’ll sometimes bounce. So it’s important to let women come to you at their pace and not start being needy and neurotic and over-pursue, and to blow up her phone.

You could tell that’s kind of what is happening with this guy because he really likes her. He’s having a hard time applying what’s in the book. As he said, he only read it once or twice, but that was like seven or eight years ago. He got into a relationship and he felt he didn’t have to go back to it, didn’t need to learn it. So now here he is all these years later, and he’s basically getting back into it, trying to learn it again while he’s dating somebody new that he really likes. So in reality, he never really mastered what was in the book. He never mastered his own emotions and learning to exercise self-control. Now he’s with somebody he really likes. He’s finding out that it’s extremely hard. I mean, obviously I wrote about it in the book, how hard it was for me. I suffered for a long time over that, but it’s something that every guy’s got to get to. You got to get to that place where you’re just not attached to things being a certain way. It’s learning to kind of let go, because when you look at things, us guys, we tend to focus on things because we’re action driven.

We want to take action, because what is masculine energy? Purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. If a woman’s interest is low or she’s not as excited, we go into Mr. Fix-It mode right away thinking, thinking there’s something we have to do to get her to think differently or view us differently. The reality is, oftentimes you just got to back off and let her be and recognize that women are like cats. Some times cats just want to be left the fuck alone and you can’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean the cat hates you and doesn’t want anything to do with you, but it does mean that moment it would rather be doing something else than hanging out with you. As long as you’re indifferent to that, you’re not bothered by it and you have the attitude of “She’ll be back sometime later,” the cat comes back in the room and wants to sit in your lap and starts purring again. That’s just the way they are. Guys that don’t understand that, or guys that have a hard time with that, they tend to chase, they tend to pursue.

We’ve all had this experience petting a cat and you’re really enjoying petting a cat. He seems to be enjoying it, but after a while, the cat just is like, “Alright, I had enough of this,” and then it hops out of your lap. Then if you go chase the cat, pick it up and forcefully put it back in your lap and start petting it, you’ll notice it’s no longer purring. Then as soon as you kind of get distracted or whatever, it jumps out of your lap because it really doesn’t want to be petted anymore. That’s kind of what guys do. It’s like they pull the girl back in and basically you’re like, “Hey, pay attention to me! spend time with me,” and that’s the worst thing you can do. As Thich Nhat Hanh used to say: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So that’s where this guy is really struggling here, is struggling to let her feel free. She’s probably a little messed up too, but that’s why you really got to let this woman do most, if not, all of the calling, texting and pursuing and then just make dates when you hear from her, but it’s a struggle when you haven’t mastered this.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I haven’t seen you talk about this scenario, so I figured I would email you. 

Everybody is like, “Oh, my situation is totally unique.” Well, he’s basically got a over-pursuing problem. He’s kind of acting needy and neurotic, and he’s having a hard time controlling himself, controlling his emotions and not freaking out when she seems to be a little distant, a little cold or a little less interested than she was maybe a few days before. You can’t take it personally. It’s just how women are, especially when it’s that time of the month around their period. Their emotions are changing and they’re all over the place. They can be hot and cold and you can’t get upset or get diminished at it.

I stumbled across you 7-8 years ago and purchased your book then and read it twice then while I was doing the dating thing. It worked wonders, ended up in a long term relationship until recently and I’m back at it again. 

Just purchased your book again and plan to read it once received, I’ve listened to your audio-book once and listening to it a second time now. 

So here’s my dilemma: I met a woman recently, we hit it off immediately, we both have kids and busy schedules. So we meet for coffee and went for a walk before I had to pick up my kids from daycare. By the time the date ended, she was already asking me to come over to her place sometime.

So she was ready to smash. She wanted some strange.

I responded with a joke and she laughed and then I left. I have never felt a connection to a woman like this before…

That’s why it’s so hard for him to do things that are outlined in the book.

…And I think it was the same for her. 

Remember, we have two primary fears: Fear that we’re not enough and fear that we won’t be loved. Whether you’re with a woman, like in his life, he’s never had a connection with anybody like this before. So he’s got huge downside risk and he worries about losing her because again, he’s never experienced this kind of chemistry with somebody. So the thought of potentially losing her, that kind of gives you a some insight into what his mindset is, which he kind of presupposes it’s not going to work out. He presupposes she’s not going to love him. He presupposes that he doesn’t have what it takes to keep her attracted and interested.

He’s coming from a place of fear, and that is what will cause you to call too much, text too much, to try to shoehorn yourself into her life and come up with reasons to interact with her, or to call her to try to come over to her place uninvited, those kinds of things. You can get away with it at first if her interest is really high, but as the weeks go by, she’ll start getting distant and tell you she’s busy or she can’t. There’s probably a little bit of that going on here because again, he hasn’t been back in my work for about eight years, and he never really took the time before to learn it. He learned enough to get into a relationship, but again, he’s with a woman now that he’s never felt a connection like this before. So it’s really hard to do more things right than wrong when you feel that way. Remember, we human beings, we make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that.

I got a video newsletter that’s coming out tomorrow from a guy that he was following my work. He’s been with this girl for three years, and you can tell he got a little needy, a little neurotic, he totally got off track with his purpose and his mission. He got dumped by his girlfriend for just being really unattractive. So he backed off and went no contact. She reached back out. He invited her over. Had a date. They hung out, they had fun, they hooked up. Then he goes right back to pursuing her. So she came back as her feelings bubbled back up, but he went right back to his needy, neurotic behavior. He called, he texted, he pursued and she spent a week or two with him and he thought, “Hey, we’re back together. This is great,” but it was all his idea. Then not only did she bounce on him once again, she told him he should probably move on and she tried to friend-zone him on top of that. So now he’s kind of panicking and freaking out. He admits and realizes he didn’t follow what I taught. So he got rejected for the second time for the same exact reasons.

Whether it’s with this girl or the next girl, if you don’t learn how to deal with yourself, your emotions and exercise self-control, you will continually be chasing good women out of your life. You’ll be talking, texting and chasing them out of liking you.

She texted me later that night, we talked on the phone for two hours and we learned how similar we are to each other, similar stories growing up, etc. (I know, I fucked up! Talking on the phone is only for making dates unless she is in love with me). 

Unless you’re in a relationship. He hasn’t even kissed or had sex with this girl, and now he’s spending two hours on the phone with her. You want to be doing these things in person. It’s much better and it’s much more effective in person.

We made plans to go her place on the weekend after she drops her daughter off to her friends birthday party (She was supposed to be there, but slipped out to play indoor Olympics with me). Right after we start cuddling and talking and it feels very natural and we get along very well, endless things to talk about. She even comments on this and says the other men she’s talking to it doesn’t feel like this at all.

So it’s clear she’s got a high level of attraction for this guy, but just because she has a high level of attraction now, doesn’t mean you keep acting unattractive, needy, neurotic and breaking a lot of the rules that are in the book that you won’t turn her off and chase her right back out of your life, because that’s really going to sting if that’s what happens here because again, he’s never felt a connection like this. It’ll take a long time to get over it if he fucks it up.

She brings up about being transparent and being honest, she was in a very controlling marriage (20 years) and isn’t ready for a relationship…

This is why it’s essential that you let her, if you can get away with it, 99%, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing should be initiated by her and you got to let her come to you at her pace, because she’s used to being controlled. A guy who is controlling calls too much, texts too much, tries to force himself and shoehorn himself into her life. So that’s why you got to let her come to you, but if you don’t, she’s going to bounce.

…But she also said she can see herself catching feelings for me and if she does she will need to end things with me as she isn’t ready. 

Again, that just tells me that he is really smothering her and focusing on her too much. In his mind, he’s already ready to have a relationship with her and thinking about the future and she’s like, “Man, I just got out of a 20-year controlling marriage.”

Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, and she’s even telling him how she wants him to interact with her, but it’s hard for him to get the message.

She mentions if that happens we can contact each other in 6-12 months and see if we’re interested in trying again. 

Sounds like fun.

Our “date” ends and she goes back to the birthday party. She texts me later that night and we end up talking on the phone. Fuck, I know! Stupid! 

Again, this is what happens. She’s got high interest at first, but again, I did this stuff a lot and the girl be hot and heavy for you for a few weeks, but when you’re always available and you drop what you’re doing to spend a couple hours on the phone and then you try to make a date, “Oh, I’m not sure. My schedule. Work’s crazy. You know, I have to get back to you.” Then what ends up happening is Chad Thundercock is making dates with her and blowing out her back. Whereas you’re being a emotional tampon and her therapist on the phone because you’re trying to be too nice and a people pleaser.

As the book says, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, hook up. Make a fucking date and get off the phone, but he’s not doing that. He’s violating principles. Again, this is a guy that’s come back to my work after seven or eight years, and before the first time around, he only read the book once or twice, so he really doesn’t remember anything. Even though he’s been through the audio-book, he’s now on his second time through, he’s having a really hard time applying it because he’s kind of dopey about this girl. So he’s making mistakes and he knows he’s making mistakes, but he does it anyways. So it’s easy to say, “Oh damn, I shouldn’t have done that,” but if you keep doing it, you’ll get stung and you will care. When she doesn’t want to see you anymore, then you’ll be thinking, “Man, I should have listened to Corey.“

I did make plans over the phone where we both would call in sick to work and she would come over.

Yeah, that’s kind of cool and fun once or twice, but you shouldn’t be calling in sick to work and blowing off your job to get a piece of pussy, but every once in a while, sure. The danger is, if you start getting sloppy, undisciplined and causing problems for yourself at work because you’re blowing off your work to go get some pussy, it’s a bad way to go, my man.

So we did that and had sex all day and took her out for lunch. I can tell she’s becoming more and more into me but also very afraid, she keeps bringing her feelings up and talking about the future and said her feelings for me are coming and I can tell she’s afraid. I said, “Chill, it’s fine I’m not looking for anything. I’m just looking to have fun and meet cool people and enjoy each other’s time. No pressure from me.” 

Well it’s a good response, but at the end of the day, you’re prompting her to say these things because again, you’re so focused on her. Again, just spending two hours on the phone, that’s what happens. She can tell you’re very serious about her and it’s much better to be more mysterious and not spend all that time in the phone and spend it together in person.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you spend two or three hours a couple times a week cooing like a dove on the phone, acting dopey and talking about your future together, you’re going to lower your chances of having a future with her and being in her future. What happens is it’ll be all great, fine and dandy, and all of a sudden she’ll stop. She’ll back up and go, “I can’t do this anymore. I need space. This is too overwhelming for me. Let’s just be friends.” So this guy needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.

So I play it all cool (Finally, no more phone calls and text her only if she texts me) and never pursue her. She is doing all the pursuing and wants to come over this Saturday evening. After a minor test, cancelled the plans and she said actually it’s her hair washing day and won’t have time…

This is what happens. You spend two hours talking on the phone, and then you’re supposed to get together for a date and she wants to cancel because, “You know what? I got to get my hair done. I’d rather get my hair done than get my brains fucked out by you.” That’s what she’s saying.

…So I did the take away and said, “No problem. Let me know when you’re free next and we’ll talk then,” and then she confirmed she will come!

See how that works? Like I said, the reason she’s starting to do this is because she’s starting to get the feelings like he’s a bitch, he’s a pushover, he’s a doormat, he’s soft and not masculine enough for her. In other words, he’s acting too much like the gay male girlfriend and not enough like Chad Thundercock.

Since then, she sends random texts saying, “I can’t wait to see you, and wish she could be laying in bed all day.” 

My question is, is it worth trying to make things work with a woman who isn’t ready for a relationship?

Well again, the reason they keep bringing that up is because you’re pursuing too much. Again, you’re spending hours talking on the phone. There’s a reason why that’s in the book. I tried all these things. I did all these things when I was younger and I didn’t know any better. I ruined a lot of great opportunities just like you’re in danger of ruining because you’re just refusing to exercise self-control, and it happens quick. He’s spending all his time on the phone and then he’s looking forward to seeing her. Then what does she do? She tries to cancel the date on him. Then he does the takeaway. Then she keeps the date. That should not be happening if you’re following what’s in the book, but she’s starting to feel like you’re squishy, soft and you’re weak, and then she backs away.

You got to be careful, dude. This stuff is in the book, and it’s laid out this way for a reason. If you want to reinvent the wheel and do the opposite of it, good luck. You’ll find in time after you get burned enough that I was right all along.

Or is it just a matter of sticking to your rules until she is actually ready? 

Well, the book is going to give you the best possible chance of attracting and keeping a healthy girl, not a fruit loop. It doesn’t work on fruit loops. The book, if the chick is a fruit loop, it will bounce her right out of your life really quickly. It will reveal the best of the best really fast, and it will reveal the worst of the worst really fast.

If I were you, I would calm the fuck down. Just wait to hear from her. When you do hear from her, make a date. Get off the phone. Stop focusing on the future and focusing on a relationship and being all serious, drooling all over her and being all dopey because you’re like right on the cusp of her dipping and canceling dates on you and backing away completely. Just because you were fucking your brains out the other day, doesn’t mean she won’t turn on a dime and dip on you.

Again, she just got out of a 20-year marriage, and it doesn’t sound like she took a lot of time to heal. If it was a 20-year marriage, I assume that’s who the baby daddy is. He’s still involved in her life, so her emotions are going to be all over the place. If you’re only paying attention to your feelings and interest in her and ignoring her lower interest in you, I mean, she just tried to cancel a date on you. So you got to pay attention, dude. You can’t behave like this consistently and and expect women to stick around. They just won’t.

Yes, you got to let women come to you at their pace. If you want to do the opposite, it’s your choice, but you know you’re going to experience rejection. Again, when you have the feelings as if you’ve never connected with somebody on this level, when you lose a girl like that out of your stupidity, your hard headedness and your unattractive behavior, it hurts. It might take you six months to a year just to get over it. In the meantime, how is that going to affect you at work? You’ll be able to concentrate on your work when you’re thinking about the girl that you chased out of your life? It’s pretty hard.

I really actually like this woman…

Trust us, we know.

…And I can see myself screwing this up.

Great mindset. You’ve already decided you’re going to screw it up. So again, if you presuppose the worst you’re going to do and say things out of need instead of love and a gift a gift from your heart to hers.Instead, you’ll be constantly trying to find out where you stand, constantly trying to find out if she still likes you. And women can pick up on it. It’s a total lack of confidence in yourself, and women are most attracted to confidence. That’s the number one strength characteristic that they love in men is confidence.

It’s totally different when you practice your book material on women you’re not interested in vs interested in.

Yep. I even say that in the book.

Everything I’ve read starts to go down the shitter but I’m trying to reign it back in.  

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

Bob

Well, it also would be helpful if you had some other women that you were dating and seeing as well, but it really sounds like you’re just obsessed about and focusing on only this one particular woman, which is a bad way to go. It’s not optimal. It’s not ideal when you’re trying to learn this stuff.

If you got one or two other girls that you’re practicing this on, because you just need enough time and repetition with the book, you need to be able to see enough women interact with you in the ways that are in the book and not only in your own life, but other people, other couples that you observe. So when you see the same patterns over and over and over again, you realize how predictable women actually are when you understand them. I mean, they’re so predictable, you can set your watch to it. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. If you go against those principles, well you’re predictably going to get rejected and that’s not a lot of fun. We’re trying to help you avoid that.

So let her come to you. Stop trying to pursue. Just make dates when you hear from her. When she freaks out and gets kind of hyperbolic about her feelings and she gets overly emotional, remember, when women tend to take these little things and they blow them up and it’s like, “Oh my God, this is a big emergency. It’s the end of the world,” our job as men is to be like, “Hey, it’s not a big deal. I got this, babe. We can figure it out. It’s not a big deal.” That’s why when she says, “Oh, I’m freaking out,” just say, “Hey, we just take our time. There’s no rush, no pressure. Let’s just have fun. How about them Yankees?” Change the subject. Pretty simple.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.