In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating and living with his girlfriend over the past year. He says that everything was great up until two months ago. He was stressed over work, and he tended to take it out on her when he came home. They started fighting and arguing. She decided that this was the way he was and moved out. She said they needed a break. However, they continued dating and sleeping together. He says that things went back to normal, and it was once again like it was in the beginning when they first started dating. He obviously thought things were good between them. Then, he found out that she was also seeing her ex and sleeping with him too. Her family is shocked at her actions. He asks for my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I know it’s a shot in the dark to receive a reply, because you must get a ton of emails. I’ll even pay you. I just want your opinion. I’ve watched a lot of your videos, and some do apply, but I want your personal opinion on my situation.
I met this girl ten months ago, and fell in love. Hard. This girl was perfect… funny, good looking and an amazing personality. Her family loves me. Everything was great. We had great sex. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. We moved in together only a few months in, and everything was good. About two months ago, I was stressed with work and money and we started fighting a little. (It sounds like you were taking it out on her. Stress happens. You either deal with it internally, discuss it with your partner in a loving way, or project it onto the other person and blame them.) Nothing crazy, but the fighting got to her. She said this is the kind of person I am and said we need a break, so she moved out. During this break, we had been together every day. Things were back to normal, like when we first started dating. A week ago, I found out she’s been talking to her ex boyfriend. I found out she slept there, and of course, had sex. (In her mind, you two were no longer in a committed relationship, but she didn’t make that clear to you.) When I confronted her, she got defensive and blocked me from her phone, Facebook and everything else. She told me we were done and to move on, because she has. (This is not the kind of person I would want to date. You’re a disposable commodity. She doesn’t give a fuck.) She still talks with my sister, and my sister lets me in on the conversation. It’s more of, “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think I’m a bad person. Bob and I will just not work out after what I’ve seen lately. I still want to be in touch with you.” With this being said, my ex has changed her mind on careers about ten times in the last two months. (It’s not your job to fix her, rescue her or help her make career decisions.) She dropped out of university, started hair school, is very indecisive, and has been telling everyone we’re getting married, because honestly, everyone believed we were. (She’s obviously living a lie. Now you see her real character.)Going back to her ex, he has always been in the picture. We broke up once for about a week, and I know she was talking to him. I’ve seen her text him a few times. It’s always something. (She keeps male orbiters in the background. This is what women with low self-esteem do. They keep other guys in the background in case things don’t work out with you. She knew what she was doing.) Recently, I called her out and asked if she was over him, and she said no, apologized, and told me to leave her and her family alone. (Yet it’s okay for her to stay in contact with your sister. These are selfish, narcissistic tendencies. She’s using people to get what she wants and to stroke her her own ego.) Her family is still in contact with me and cannot believe, nor do they support, her decision. When I found out that she had slept there, I messaged him, congratulated him and made a few comments about their poor excuse of a sex life. She had told me about it while we were together. When she was telling me it’s over, she also mentioned she couldn’t believe I did that, and that made her decision easier. My friends, my family and hers are all in shock. I’m not sure how to go about it. Suggestions? By the way I’m almost 32, and she’s 21. (She is no good for a girlfriend, a wife or somebody to live with, but maybe you could keep her as a friends-with-benefits or sex playmate. She is not relationship material. I would never call or contact this girl again. If she ever reaches out, invite her to your place to hang out, have fun and hook up. I wouldn’t take her out. Just treat her like a fuck buddy, nothing more.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Psychological studies have shown that it only takes one incident where someone violates your trust to ruin your ability to fully trust that person ever again, despite their apologizing and making things right. People who place a high value on loyalty, doing the right thing, considering other peoples feelings and who respect others, are highly unlikely to violate someone’s trust in them. People who are selfish, narcissistic, who lack empathy, who have an “every man for himself” kind of attitude, who have a history of lying and cheating, etc., simply are not trustworthy or capable of being someone you can count on.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne