She Still Seems Kind Of Distant Since I Backed Off After Over Pursuing. What Do I Do?

What you should do if she still seems distant since you backed off after over pursuing.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had a magnetic connection with a woman he met in a restaurant. After 20 minutes of talking she gave him her number without asking. The sex and connection grew quickly after and she was pursuing him hard until he started pursuing her. He’s since backed off after realizing he turned her off, but she’s still distant. He’s not sure what to do and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s members only newsletter is, “She Still Seems Kind Of Distant Since I Backed Off After Overpursuing. What Do I Do?”

Well, this particular email, this guy had a magnetic connection with a woman that he met at a restaurant. He said after 20; I guess she was waiting on him, waiting tables. He says after 20 minutes of talking, she gave him her phone number without even him having to ask for it. So that shows a high level of interest. She’s like, hey, definitely get in touch with me. And so he said, things grew quickly from there. They started hanging out, having fun, hooking up, having sex, strong connection.

She was pursuing him hard. And then as soon as his emotions became engaged and he started really liking her, what did he do? He started pursuing her. But he noticed as he started pursuing her, she actually started pursuing less and backing off. And so, he noticed this. He noticed that her interest was waning and he’s backed off. But he says she still seems kind of distant and he’s not sure what to do. So it’s a good email, just kind of fine tune your approach and learning to balance between pursuing too much and then not enough.

And obviously a big thing that this guy did is he started everything off correct. She’s doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing. He’s letting her come to him at his pace. But once he really started liking her, he started treating her different. He started caring too much. And it’s clear that he communicated that he was probably more into her than she was into him. And when you do that with women, even though they say they like it, how they actually respond is to back off and become unsure of their feelings or become a little confused.

Because they recognize that you feel something more for them than they do they’re not at the same place. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, usually what happens is when guys start pursuing, in this case it was totally unnecessary. He starts pursuing more than she starts to back off. And as guys, what do we think? “I gotta fix this. Something is wrong.” And so, we’re driven to take action. You know, as Dale Carnegie said, “inaction breeds fear and doubt.

Taking action breeds confidence and courage.” And so, we’ll feel better when we take action. But when it comes to attraction and allowing it to grow, because love is allowing, after all, it gets in the way of her falling in love with you, deeply bonding to you. Because women are designed and biologically made up to pursue us, to pursue our attention and validation. And when we start pursuing them too much, we kind of steal all their fun, if you will. And that’s what causes them to back up. And he’s probably doing some other things.

He says he’s a new follower. He’s only been through 3% Man once, so it’s clear he’s got a knowledge gap. But now he’s in the middle of a situation where his emotions are engaged. He probably got a little dopey over this girl. Maybe he was a little soft, a little squishy. He allowed her to kind of push him around. Maybe he started changing his opinions to match hers. In other words, he just became too nice, too soft and too compliant versus when they first started out. He’s this confident, cocky guy who’s got all this swagger.

And then as soon as he started really caring, he became too nice to her. He became a pushover, if you will, or a kind of a little bit of a doormat. And women don’t like that. They want you to be strong enough to stand up to them, to say no, to express your feelings and your opinions, and to stick to your ideals and principles. Not see you just cave and throw them out the window because she complains about it. And a lot of guys make that mistake. They do things to please the girl because they fear losing her.

But when you do things to please the girl because you fear losing her, you act weak. You act like you don’t have any confidence in yourself or your ideals. And if you won’t stand up for yourself and what you believe in, then how could you possibly protect her? How could you possibly make her feel safe and comfortable if you won’t even stand up for what you say you believe in? It’s just not going to work. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m a new follower of your work. I bought your book after the first video of yours I saw on YouTube and I’ve read it once so far.

Well, I recommend the AudioBook and a physical or digital copy, and put the audiobook on two speed so you can get through it in about four hours. Because when you’re in the middle of a situation like this, you’ve got to get as much of this stuff in your brain as quickly as possible. You don’t have time to sit around and jerk yourself off for the next six months trying to cherry pick or look for the perfect line or the perfect paragraph in The Book that’s going to solve your problem.

You have to understand the philosophy, because what’s happening now is you’re backsliding. And on top of that, your emotions are involved. And so, when your emotions are involved, it tends to override your good judgment. And when it overrides your good judgment, you’ll go along with things that deep down you shouldn’t. And that’s why it will behoove you to get as many reads under your belt as quickly as possible while you’re in the middle of this, so you can start to connect the dots as quickly as possible.

Because if you halfass it and you’re lazy, typically it’s going to be really hard for you to turn things around. And you may back off a little bit, but yet you’ll still keep pushing forward too much to where she feels smothered. And as Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so, what’s happened here is her perception of you has changed. There’s obviously other things that you’re probably not recognizing yet and didn’t include in your email that you’re doing, and saying that are making you look less attractive and masculine to her.

And that’s why you got to get through The Book so light bulbs can go off. Because you’re only going to retain about 7% of The Book each time you go through it. So if you went through it once, you learn maybe a handful of pages, and there’s just no way you’re going to have sustainable success if you don’t put the time in as quickly as possible to get enough reads under your belt to start filling in your knowledge gaps.

I’ve been dating this girl for almost 3 months. I met her at the restaurant she works at and after 20 minutes of talking to her, relating and laughing together, she gave me her number without asking. Things went fast, we were both pursuing each other a lot.

There you go. “We were both pursuing each other a lot.” The idea is the man does start the courtship. It’s up to the man to “pursue.” But that’s in the beginning. It’s to kind of get the ball rolling. And all you’re really trying to do is facilitate the girl getting to the point. Usually after the first 2 or 3 weeks, or first 2 or 3 dates, once you start sleeping together, by taking measured steps and only planning one date a week where you’re the one pursuing and initiating it. As soon as she starts reaching out a day or two after your last date and saying things like, “Hey. How are you? Where are you up to? How’s your day going?

I’m thinking about you. The other night was amazing.” Whatever it happens to be, then you just assume she’s reaching out because she wants to see you, and then you just make the next date, then get off the phone. And then you’ll go from seeing her once a week where you’re pursuing an initiating to where you might start seeing her 2 or 3 times a week because she’s the one reaching out to you. And if she’s reaching out to you and you make the date, it’s her idea. You don’t have to worry about getting rejected, and you don’t have to worry about over pursuing at that point.

But where he made the mistake was we were both pursuing each other heavily. So I’m thinking more than likely, it was probably like 50/50. And when it’s 50/50, you’re going to get friend zoned at some point if you don’t back the fuck off. So you need to back the fuck off, dude, which he has, but he’s not noticing enough of a change yet. And that’s got him worried and fearful. And so, when you’re in a worried, fearful state and you haven’t filled in your knowledge gap, it’s going to be next to impossible to do the right things, to keep from blowing it up and ruining it for good. So put the time in and read The Book. You got to participate in your own rescue.

We were both pursuing each other a lot, having great sex and allot of fun, I eventually started pursuing her more.

So it got to the point where he was doing most of the pursuing, which is a big no no. As The Book says, a guy should never do more than 20 to 30% of it, and ideally you want her to do 100% of the pursuing. And most women, healthy women, will let you get away with it. They might tease you or break your balls that they’re the first ones that are always reaching out to you, but they don’t care. They’ll still do it. But occasionally you might have a woman that insists on you doing some kind of reaching out, and I’ve talked about that in the past.

If she’s complaining about it, that you’re not reaching out enough or you don’t reach out at all, then once a week, call her out of the blue. The next week, maybe FaceTime her out of the blue the week after that. Maybe you text her out of the blue, or WhatsApp, or Snapchat message her whatever happens to be the next week. Maybe you write her a handwritten note. “Hey, this past week has been amazing. These past couple of months have been amazing. I just want you to know I was thinking about you.”

Just something that communicates because when a woman complains that you never reach out, what she’s really complaining about is, “I just want to feel that you care. I want some more effort on your part. Most women will allow you.” Healthy women will allow you to get away with letting them do 100% of the pursuing. But sometimes you’ll have a woman that insists that you know she, after she complains about it 3 or 4 times and starts to get mad. Then once a week, just reach out randomly. A different type, you know, maybe another week you’ll write a little post-it note and stick it on her medicine cabinet.

So when she opens it up in the morning, it says, “hey babe, I love you. Have a great day.” Or put it on the visor in her car. And so, when she flips it down, there’s a little note that you’re thinking about her. Just things like that. All she really is asking for, if she complains several times, is that she wants to know you care, and she doesn’t feel like you care enough. So in that case, you can do it. But here are this guy you know, ended up doing most of the pursuing and it didn’t click. And he didn’t realize what he was doing was chasing her out of his life. He was starting to act like the girl, basically.

He was the one doing all the attention seeking and validation seeking. And that’s feminine energy. You’re acting like a girl, so naturally it’s going to completely ruin the sexual polarity, and illicit platonic feelings in her towards you. And you don’t want to do that, at least not for very long, because it will always, 100% of the time lead to getting dumped and friend zoned. And that is true for heterosexual relationships. It’s true for gay and lesbian relationships.

You got to have the sexual polarity. It’s actually the differences in the energetic essences. Masculine is attracted to feminine and vice versa. So whatever your natural essence is, you need to be highly polarized. And what’s happened here is he went from being polarized from the masculine side to now he’s acting like the girl totally and that you just can’t do for very long.

She backed off. I found your book just in time and you teach not to chase, which is what I’ve been doing. She still seems kind of distant, not texting or calling a whole lot.

Yeah. So as you backed off, what you’re seeing is the damage that you’ve done and the negative effect it’s had on her attraction. And so, you’ve got to slowly back off and get it to the point where you’re doing no more ever than 20 to 30% of the pursuing and eventually getting it to the point where she’s doing 100% of it. Because when she’s doing 100% of it and she’s cool with that. “Oh, I love you, I miss you. I can’t wait to see you. You’re so different. I’ve never felt this way before.” You’re going to get that kind of stuff.

I also did what every other guy does and brought up a relationship, she gave me the “I’m open to one but I don’t want to waste your time.” However, she has told me that we are exclusive.

In other words, you’re exclusive sexually. But. Emotionally. You don’t have a heart yet. She’s not giving it to you. So her saying, “I don’t want to waste your time.” She’s basically what she means by that statement, “I can tell you’re way more into me than I am into you. And so, I don’t want to waste your time. So I’ll understand if you want to go off and date somebody else.” That’s what she’s saying. So with that kind of an attitude, I’d say her interest is probably at a five, maybe a six on the attraction scale from The Book, the chapter in The Book that says, “It’s All In The Numbers.” So like I said, you’re in a danger zone right now, bro. So you need to fill in your knowledge gap. You need to be spending as much time with The Book as you can.

I’m keeping my distance and letting her do the pursuing. Where do I go from here?

Let her do 100% of it. If you’re letting her do all the pursuing already, then keep it that way, because you got to understand, when you first met her, her attraction was probably an eight instantaneously. A seven or an eight, she was really into you. And instead of it going up and hitting nine, where she fell in love and was trying to lock you down to be her boyfriend, the roles flipped. You acted like the girl, and you were trying to lock her down to be your girlfriend. And that’s why you got rejected. Because you acted like a woman.

And so, you have to act like a man consistently. And your job in the courtship, like I talk about in The Book, is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, seduced, kissed the whole nine yards. And so, if she’s already doing 100% of the pursuing, let her do that. Then just make dates and get off the phone.

I plan on reading the book 10-15 times because I agree with everything in it. Do you have any advice on how I can build her attraction level to where it was when we first started dating?

Thanks Coach,

Bob

Well, it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for her to fall out of love. And it takes time for her to fall back in love. And so, in this case, she started out at like a seven or an eight. Instead of it going up when you started over pursuing it went like this. It went and went all the way down to a 5/6, probably vacillating in there. And then you backed off. And then what you realized is her interest was lower than it was than when you first met. And of course, that’s going to be disconcerting. Of course, that’s not going to feel good and you’re going to be in a fearful state thinking, damn, I fucked this up. This is horrible.

I feel horrible about this, and you don’t know where you stand, and you’re worried about whether or not you’re going to hear from her again because you notice that man, she’s really gone cold. I mean, colder than she was from the day you met, because she was super into you at first, and you over pursued to the point where she became unsure. Because again, you acted like a girl. And so, the only thing you can really do is just give her the time and space, because it takes weeks. It’s like the analogy I talk about is like baking a cake in the oven. And what you’re doing is you’re getting upset and it’s taking too long for the cake to bake.

In other words, it’s taking too long for her sexual attraction and anticipation to return to the levels it was. But remember, it’s like it’s like a slow curve. It kind of goes down and then it slowly goes back up. And so, you’re upset that it’s down at a five or a six when it started out at a 7 or 8. And so, it takes weeks, it takes weeks for it to go back up. And that’s assuming you do everything right. Again this is why I say you got to read this as many times as you can as quickly as possible, because there are so many little things you’re doing and saying that are unattractive, and you’re not even recognizing it because again, you haven’t been through The Book enough.

And so, if you put it on two speed and you follow along a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. You can get several reads accomplished in a week. And if you’re only seeing each other maybe once a week and you’re not talking very often, every time you interact with her, she’s going to notice your a little more confident, you’re a little cockier, you got a little bit more swagger, you’re a little bit more sure of yourself. And that will make her feel more attracted to you in time.

And so, as the weeks go by, you’re becoming more and more of an attractive man versus, you know, just hoping, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” It’s like you’ve got to display the behaviors that make her attracted to you because you’ve displayed too much unattractive behavior and you just got to be patient. Again, it’s a process and you have to go through the process. You can’t shortcut the process. It is what it is. So be patient. You must let her come to you at her pace. I mean, granted, if you’d have done that from the beginning, she would have been head over heels in love with you and been all over your ass like white on rice.

But you interrupted her, attraction growing and you interrupted her emotionally bonding to you. And you made her feel less attracted to you than she was when she first met you. And so, that’s hard to recover from. Again, you’re like, barely hanging on by your fingernails at this point, and that’s why your game has got to be tight again. Read The Book 10 to 15 times. Do yourself a favor and put the time in. Don’t be going. “Oh yeah, I’ll read it 10 to 15 times over the next few years.” It’s like, if you have that attitude, then you’re definitely going to chase this girl out of your life and fuck it up. But put the time in. Things are going in the right direction, but if you spend the time with The Book, you’ll get from where you are to where you want to be.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.