How you can determine why a woman stood you up and ghosted you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got stood up and ghosted by a woman on their second date. He met her on the dating app Hinge. He is twenty-six and lives in his parents’ basement. He got pretty aggressive on their first date, trying to hook up with her at the beach. Then he set the second date at his house to watch a movie.
He was worried about her meeting his parents so soon and made a big deal about it, and then changed the plans to do something away from his home. Then she stood him up and ghosted him. He’s scratching his head as to why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If you are familiar with my work and especially my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, you know that if you invite a woman over to your house to watch a movie, to Netflix and chill, women aren’t stupid, they know what you’re doing. And so, this particular guy, you could tell he was focused on one thing only and not really reading the signs of where she was at.
The idea is you want to be smooth, and you could tell he’s not smooth. But then again, he’s young, he’s not polished, and you’re going to make these kinds of mistakes. I made these kinds of mistakes before I learned to read the signs. The idea is, what I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, you’re responding to how she shows up physically. You escalate things, but when you encounter resistance, you kind of slow it down and back off a little bit.
You can tell his attempts at seduction and escalating things physically, he’s just too aggressive. He just comes across as a guy that hasn’t had a lot of experience in this particular area, because he’s not polished and you’ve got to be smooth. He wasn’t smooth. So let’s see what we can do to help him tweak his game for the next time around so this kind of thing doesn’t happen, because it appears that she was really into him at first.
I’m 26, and I met this girl the same age on Hinge.
Well, in all fairness, by the time I was twenty-six in my life, I was actually married and had my own house with my wife. But I know I was kind of different, and I was aggressive in how I was getting things done in my twenties, so I experienced a lot more than probably the average guy does in that decade in my twenties to my early thirties.
If you’re twenty-six and still sleeping in your parents’ basement, I mean, the idea is for seduction to happen, for you to be an adult, in essence, you want to have your own place. And so, this guy’s literally living in his mom and dad’s basement.
We met at this winery. I must’ve been on 50+ dates with different women, but this was the most electrifying dates I ever had — banter back and forth, the conversations were interesting. Bought her and myself wine glasses as souvenirs and gave her the rest of the bottle, (I like red better). I took her to the beach to end the night. She had her arms all over me, wrapping it around her, kissing me a lot. I tried going for 2nd base, but she kept pawing me off.
So again, that just tells me he doesn’t really have any self-awareness. He’s going right for second base. You’ve got to be smooth, and that tells me he hasn’t read the book 10 to 15 times. He doesn’t understand the smooth process of seduction. And keep in mind, you’re on a public beach and it’s the first date. With some women, if they’re really turned on you can get away with this, but obviously with her it’s not happening, it’s not working. You can tell he’s going two steps forward, one step back, “I’ll just wait a few minutes.” But, dude, you’re at the beach.
She told me she wasn’t looking for a hookup, and I reassured her that I wasn’t either and I’d want fun and something consistent.
Even though your actions communicate differently, you can understand, dude. It’s like a twenty-six year old woman that’s your age, you ain’t the first guy that she’s gone to the beach with. This was probably happening to her in high school. She knows what you’re doing.
Maybe you were a late bloomer. I was a late bloomer. I mean, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was twenty-one. But you’ve got to understand, a woman like this that’s your age, she’s probably way more experienced than you with being with guys, and so she’s not stupid. You’re not flying under the radar, you’re not being clever, you’re not being unique.
A few days passed, and I set up a date with her a few days later on the weekend, (she’s a nurse, so she works the night shift all the time).
So, she has a normal job in a career, probably has her own place.
We agreed on watching a movie over my place, (I still live with my parents, but I have the basement to myself. Paying off college so I’ll be loan-free).
So, keep in mind, on some level you still haven’t left mommy and daddy’s house and you’re twenty-six. Whether you think it’s a big deal or not, that is a factor. I had my own place that was totally furnished when I was twenty-one. I had all my own furniture, bought all my own new stuff. I mean, I was twenty-one, dude.
A couple hours before the date, she says she’s been exposed to a patient with Covid and needs to get tested, which is understandable. She said, “Could we reschedule for tomorrow?”
Keep in mind again, you got all handsy at the beach, and now the first thing you do for your second date is say, “Just come over to my place and we’ll watch a movie.” She’s not stupid, dude. You’re not the first guy that has invited her over to watch a movie. She knows what you’re thinking. Your moves are totally transparent. You may think you’re being clever, but she’s been through this lots and lots of times by now.
Later she told me she tested negative, and I told her we can do it tomorrow. She said she was looking forward to tomorrow. I also figured she might’ve been anxious that she might be meeting my parents since it’s still very soon.
So, he made a big deal out of that. I don’t know what he said, but he obviously made a bigger deal out of it than it needed to be.
So, I switched the plans to us going through this corn maze that just opened up. She said she loved that. I also told her she doesn’t need to worry about bumping into my parents as a precaution.
Again, this is a twenty-six year old guy talking like this to a twenty-six year old woman, who’s a nurse and who deals with life and death issues every day, and you’re basically acting like a kid in high school like, “Oh, we’re going to sneak around, and hopefully we don’t run into my parents.” What do you think the message is that you’re communicating?
The following day. I sent her a text saying, “I’ll see you at 3:00,” and she hearted my message. She did this before with a thumbs up on our first date, so I thought nothing of it. Fast forward to 3:00 pm, no reply or no show. I sent her a message around 3:30, “Hey, are we still on for today?”
Well, I wouldn’t have said that. I would have been like, “Hey, I’m here. Where are you at, girl?”
Yeah, I know. Thought I would’ve gotten a response. No reply. It’s been a day now and still no reply or excuse. I don’t know what to make of it.
I’d say it sounds like she’s totally turned off, and it’s possible she might be a garbage human, because that’s pretty rude. You had a confirmed date and she blew you off. So, why would she blow you off like that? Probably because she’s a garbage human, but also probably because she has zero respect for you as a man.
Quite frankly, after reading this, you come off as an amateur. You’re behaving like somebody that’s still in high school, and she’s advanced beyond that. She’s used to actually going out on dates and going back to a guy’s place. She’s probably dated some older dudes as well. And so, she’s used to a little bit more sophistication than a guy who looks like he’s trying to lose his virginity and lives in his mom and dad’s basement.
If she wasn’t interested, why would she talk to me for so long and even offer to reschedule?
Like I said, maybe she got sick. Maybe she got hit by a bus, maybe an emergency happened, but the fact that it’s a day or so later just shows that she doesn’t really care. She’s not that interested, and she obviously doesn’t respect you. So, I would just delete the number and move on, because somebody who just stands you up like that and ghosts you, unless there was an emergency, they get zero more chances.
But like I said, you need to read the book, dude. And if I were you, I’d get a small place, a bachelor pad or something. And don’t be inviting a girl over to Netflix and chill. I mean, that’s just pretty lazy. The idea is there’s a process to seduction. You invite them to go back to your house when you’re all over each other when you’re out, and then she’s typically ready.
Here, you’re just saying, “Hey, let’s just pick up where we left off, and and we can have sex when you come over.” That’s basically what you’re communicating to her. And again, with a woman that’s the same age as you, she’s been in this situation dozens, and dozens, and dozens, and dozens of times by now, so she knows what you’re doing. You’re totally transparent.
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“Women are most impacted by how you make them feel when they are with you, versus what you actually say to them. What they feel when they are with you is what they will associate with being with you. When it comes to intimacy and seduction, women must feel safe and comfortable first, in order for physical intimacy to happen. When a guy focuses too much on being physical before they have rapport and the woman is comfortable and ready, she will get the impression he only cares about hooking up and has no self-awareness. As a result, she will often back away, test and become turned off unless she is simply looking for a hookup also. Women love men who know what they are doing and let these men have their way with them, but are turned off by men who act like amateurs.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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