She Stopped Reaching Out 1st, But We Still Have Great Dates

What it means if a woman you are dating backs off contact initiation until you contact her first.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who is dating a 30-year-old hot Russian woman. For the 1st few weeks she started texting and contacting him a lot even after they already had the next date setup. Then she stopped contacting him first.

He went back to the once per week contact rule from the book. She is extremely affectionate and excited to see him in person, but he is growing concerned that she’s not in love yet and stopped initiating contact. He asks where he potentially went wrong. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email, this guy is 26. He’s dating a 30-year-old hot Russian woman. He says the first few weeks they were dating, she was texting and contacting him quite a bit. He would have dates set up, and then she would continue texting or whatever. He probably came off as a little bit of a cold fish, and things would go great in the dates. The sex is great, everything’s all good, but about three weeks in, she stopped initiating contact at all. So he fell back to what’s in the book, which is he reaches out once a week, sets a date. She’s super excited to see him. Super affectionate, but it’s clear that it seems like she’s holding back on purpose.

Now he’s been seeing this girl for six weeks and he’s like, “Hey Coach, the book says week six or seven.” If you’re following what’s in the book, she should be in love, but we’re kind of not there. “What do I do?” So let’s take a closer look because he feels he’s screwing some things up, but he’s like, can’t put his finger on it.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

My name is Bob, I am a 26-year-old engineer who has listened to your first book 12 times over the past year, listened to three videos a day, and recently bought the physical copy and have read it five times over the past three months.

I have been seeing this 30-year-old Russian goddess for about three months now. We have seen each other once a week since our first date and for the past six weeks, they have turned into a 48-hour date once a week.

So you end up spending a couple of days together basically, or the weekend. It’s understandable. People are nine to fivers. Saturday, Sunday is typically the only break they get.

This is mainly due to the way our work schedules have lined up. After the second date, she began reaching out to me a few days after the date sending me various things like cute TikTok, videos she made from our date, or “I miss you” texts. I would use this opportunity to set the next date and then go back to my mission and purpose. At this point, she was doing 100% of the contact initiation. 

After the third or fourth date, she began sending messages in the following days after I already made the next date but before the day of the date. I would reply when I could, but would never be too available to play pen pal.

About three weeks ago, we spent three great days together and then I did not hear from her in the following days. I knew better than to chase so I fell back to the once-a-week rule and contacted her seven days after I last saw her. This was the first time I initiated contact since before our second date and this has now happened the past three weeks in a row where I have called her one time to set up a date and then contacted no further. This looks like a sign of dropping attraction and I am curious what I am doing wrong so I can be a better student. 

Well, it’s possible you were too much of a cold fish because it is natural when you get into a relationship that the girl is going to be texting you, even though you have dates set up.

Typically, what happens when a woman’s in love with you, week six, week seven, she’s going to be over at your house typically, even if you’re working. Usually she’s like, “Hey, can I come over later? Hey, what are you doing?” “Hey, why don’t you come over when you get off work, bring a change of clothes and we can get up early together, get ready together and go to our offices at the same time?”

That’s typically what happens is, you get to the point where you’re just always together. It’s not like you date two or three months, she’s in love with you and you still only see each other once a week. If that’s happening, then our interest is just not where it should be.

As you get closer and you see each other a lot and say you got a date set up for a Friday and, today’s a Wednesday, and yet she’s calling you, texting you, messaging you or FaceTiming you or whatever, sending you a WhatsApp. If she’s talking to you, as the book says, if she’s reaching out to you, what do you do? You assume she wants to see you and make a date. It doesn’t have to be an official date. Doesn’t mean you got to go pick her up and do all that. If you’re kind of in a relationship or you’re already there and she’s texting you, “Hey, what are you doing?” Just say, “Come over. Get your ass over. Let’s make some dinner together.”

The relationship should have that kind of intimacy after about two months of dating, especially when you’re spending two days together on a weekend, you know, 70 hours, 48, 50 hours in a row together, that should be the natural progression that you’re pretty much seeing. She reaches out, you invite her over. That’s just normal circumstances.

You can still have an official date like once a week. Don’t turn into a robot. Where you’re like, “Oh, I got one date per week. Now I got to act like a cold fish,” because it’s also possible maybe you acted like a cold fish. Maybe you were short with her. Maybe you made her feel like you didn’t want to hear from her. That’s also possible. I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I could only go off of what you shared here, but something definitely changed here. She’s doing 100% and pursuing, and now she’s not doing any pursuing. Let’s see what he what he also says here.

Other attraction information: 

During the last two weeks, she has been so excited when I call her and set up the date. She is unbelievably affectionate, tells me how much she misses me, and even told me her panties got wet the day of the date because she was so excited to see me.

So I mean, look at that evidence. It’s got to be like Sherlock Holmes here. Then that tells me more than likely she’s not calling you and texting you. Probably because she doesn’t want to annoy you maybe. So she’s a little structured. She’s holding back on purpose, she’s letting you reach out, and then she’s really super excited to see you because she didn’t remember. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

The other thing is, don’t wait exactly seven days. You know, say a whole week goes by after your last date and you still haven’t heard from her. Maybe you wait eight, nine or 10 days just to see what happens, just to see if she caves and reaches out, because it looks pretty obvious that she’s purposely stopped reaching out to you for whatever reason.

Maybe you were a cold fish. Maybe you communicated without realizing it. You didn’t really want to hear from her. I don’t know, but the fact that her panties are wet and she’s saying, “I miss you. I can’t wait to see you. I miss you so much,” those are indicators of really high interest. That’s why we got to take the totality of a woman’s actions and not just look at one specific thing.

She also loves to post videos of us and our fun dates on her Instagram “close friends” story and while I never check it, she insists on showing me all the nice things her friends say about me like, “He’s so hot,” “He’s a keeper” and “That guy is so going to be your husband.”

Get it girl, get, get, get, get it girl. Run DMC.

During our last date, we went shopping together and she insisted on buying me clothes…

Also another good sign.

…Because she, “Loves to dress up the guy she likes.”

All girls are like that. They all want to. They’ll buy your sheets, bed spread, they’ll buy the clothes they want to see you and the shoes they want to see you wearing. It’s there. Most of them are like that.

She has also told me three different times that I am the only guy she is seeing and that’s how she likes it, I have never brought up relationship talk and just continue to hang out, have fun, and hook up as you teach. 

While I am not stressed about my situation as I am having a lot of fun, I can’t help but hear your voice saying “If you are doing everything right she will be in love with you by week seven or eight,” so I would love to know where you think I’m making mistakes since I am three months in?

Coach, I am so grateful for your work as it has forever changed my life for the better. I have gotten many friends hooked on your work and I will continues to study it and tell everyone I know. Stay awesome!

Bob

Well, you’ve had six dates, is what you said. So that’s about a month and a half. Maybe there was time in between seeing each other of three months, but in three months you only went out on six dates, is what it seems like from your email.

I would keep doing what you’re doing. It looks like she’s kind of structured. She’s purposely not reaching out and yet she wants to. So I’d mix it up a little bit. If you’re waiting a full seven days, then wait 10 days just to see what happens, you want to not know what’s going to happen because she’s purposely not calling you.

Let it freak her out a little bit. Let her wonder, “Is he not even going to call me? He’s not going to reach out.” Maybe you should go one week without seeing her. Maybe you wait 10 days and then ask her out for the following week. So it’s a full two weeks in between when you see her. At the end of the day, if you’re this close and you’re this intimate and you’ve been seeing each other for three months, two months or whatever, and say you have a date set up, then she reaches out, just say, “Come over.” That’s all.

It doesn’t have to be an official date or a big production. It’s not a first date at this point. Literally, you’ve been seeing her for a couple of months, even though you only had six dates. So that’s what I would do if I were you and see what happens with it.

It’s clear she looks like she’s a little structured and she’s following some rules for whatever reason. Maybe her girlfriends are giving her advice. We don’t know. Like I said, it’d be interesting to see what happens if you wait. You waited seven full days. Wait 10 days. Just see what happens. See if she reaches out. That’s what I would do if I were you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.