The proper mindset needed to get the girl you really like when she wants to only be casual and unattached.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. About 2 months ago he started dating a younger girl from the office who just broke up with her boyfriend. Things got serious really fast, but then she backed off and told him to date other girls several times as she was dating other men. The problem is that he is already emotionally attached and only wants her. She is keeping her options open while he blew off the other women he was dating to only focus on her. He asks what he should do to become her priority. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be She Tells Me To Date Other Girls, But I Only Want Her.
Well, I got an email, this is from a guy who he’s new to my work, so obviously he came here after he’d kind of already screwed up, and so he’s trying to turn things around. And so, this is a really good email because he’s got a couple wrinkles in this situation. Number one, it’s a hot younger girl from work from the office, which can be dicey. And so, in those kinds of instances, it’s always best to let the woman do most of the pursuing and the contact initiation, especially in the initial dating stages.
Because what if you’re wrong? What if you over read or over rate her attraction to you and then you go and you hit on her? It doesn’t go off well. You’re totally wrong. And in this world, the “Me Too” era, that can create problems for us guys. So, in this particular case, if you’ve got a girl that’s expressing interest. You got to let her do most of the pursuing and make your moves obviously outside of work, maybe after a company happy hour, after most of the people have left and it’s just you and her. Those kinds of things. Because when a woman likes you, she’s going to put herself in your orbit to make it easy for a seduction to happen.
And so, the other wrinkle that we got is when they started working together, she had a boyfriend and then she broke up with him. They started seeing each other, and he’s like, it went from 0 to 100 in a matter of weeks. But she backed off totally and kind of got pretty cold because it’s obvious he over pursued he did and said things. It’s like she kept dating other guys because again, she just literally got right out of a long-term relationship, started seeing him and hooking up with him. Plus, she’s dating other guys and she’s telling him that he needs to be dating other girls, because she can also see that he’s getting pretty attached, which he has.
And the problem was, is that he blew off all the other girls he was dating initially when things got real serious with her. But he wasn’t prepared for her backing off and he didn’t know what to do. And so now he’s come to my work once she’s backed away and he’s trying to turn things around. So, this is pretty common. A lot of guys are in this position when they first find out about me, they meet a girl they really like. Things go well in the beginning, and then she starts to go cold, and the guy is trying to figure out what the hell happened, “Where did all the excitement go?”
Bob here from London.
in the UK.
I’ve recently come across your work and only read your book once through and once on audio, so far away from 10-15 times, but I’ve started.
Good. It’s the important thing. You’ve got to learn the mindset. You got to learn to clean up your game. Because if she was really excited and then she wasn’t excited, you got to, as the book talks about somebody that’s right in the middle of a breakup or just gone through a breakup, their emotions are going to be all over the ice and they’re going to be hot and cold. And so, you just got to let them be and let them come to you at their pace without blowing up their phone, getting mad, getting butthurt, getting perturbed, becoming impatient.
It’s the worst thing you can do with a woman in this position, because if you become impatient and the other you got to keep in mind is typically the ex is also more than likely, because women do the dumping 75% of time. He probably got dumped and didn’t want to be dumped. So, he’s still trying to come back into the picture. And if they were together for a long period of time, she’s going to be more emotionally bonded to the other guy than you. And when she feels pressure from you, she’s going to bounce.
And so, it’s super important. As Teniente Hahn used to say, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And obviously, at some point she stopped feeling free, backed off, and he didn’t recognize what to do right away. Because they don’t teach this stuff to us when we’re kids. Or it’s just mostly not known, especially in the school system.
2 months ago, I started dating a younger girl from work after she ended her 4 year relationship.
Yeah, so that’s four years she’s with this other guy, and she literally went from four years with one dude and now she’s seeing him and in addition to other guys. So, that’s why any time you pressure a girl like that, or she feels it or you’re trying to lock her down or you’re trying to get her to commit, and she’s got other dudes, she’s just going to bounce to the guy who’s putting the least amount of effort because to her that’s going to appear as masculine strength. In other words, she because women are designed to get our attention, they innately do this.
You can propagandize people all you want, but at the end of the day, this stuff is innate. You can’t un-program this from a woman’s behavior. So that’s the good news. The important thing is you got to understand how that works, because if you try to force things, or you try to interact like the way you did, you see in movies and TV all the time, that works and make-believe world. But it doesn’t work in the real world.
So, this is important because she made this clear, because obviously this isn’t her first rodeo and most guys get kind of clingy and controlling and they try to lock a girl down. It’s just because they’ve been trained to be this way, because that’s what the culture teaches, even though it’s the opposite of what’s natural and innate to us guys in women.
She was clear from the outset that she wanted to date guys and experience new things now that she’s single and didn’t want to jump into a new relationship.
So, all she’s saying is you got to slow your roll. You got to go slowly. And as I talk about in 3%, Man, this beautiful book right here, women fall in love slowly over time. So, you must let and she’s even telling him this because she’s trying to help him. And women, when they like you, they try to help you. But nine times out of ten, the guy doesn’t listen. He doesn’t really understand what that means, and it goes right over his head.
So, she just you know, the important thing is, is that you’ve got to go slightly slower than she is, because when that happens, she gets a little frustrated and then she tries to speed the courtship up, which is, quite frankly, what you want.
If she’s chasing you and seeking your attention and validation and trying to push things towards a relationship, that’s the best place for a man to be. Plus, it’s natural anyways. when you look at the old movies from the 40s and 50s, this is what was always going on in the movies. The girls were always trying to get the guys, the most eligible bachelors in town to settle down with them. They’re just designed to do this. They’re created this way. You can try to like I said, you can try to use propaganda, but at the end of the day, it’s an eight.
This suited me fine as I was also dating other girls and enjoying life whilst starting a new business (I think that’s what attracted her to me in the first place.)
Yeah, because she had to work to get you. You were a challenge to her. You were different. You were mysterious. You weren’t trying to act like every needy and clingy other dude in the office that’s been hoping to get a shot with her. And so, she had to work to get your attention. And if a woman is chasing you, she’s not getting rid of you. But, if you start chasing her more than she’s chasing you, you’re going to pretty much chase her right out of your life and chase away her romantic feelings to the point where they only become platonic.
We started dating and went from 0 to 100mph over the course of 3-4 weeks. Hanging out, having fun, hooking up, to walks in the park holding hands, booking a holiday and us acting like a couple, and I stopped dating other girls.
Obviously, he didn’t know better. He got a little dopey, he got a little carried away and went goo goo ga ga over this girl.
Then predictably she backed off and did a pull away on me. Her attraction went down below 5 and all her messaging and flirtatious looks at me stopped overnight.
Yeah. Because what happened was the power flipped. She went from seeking your attention and validation to now you’re doing all the chasing of her. And then it turned her off because you basically started acting like a chick, and it ruined the sexual polarity. And women just don’t typically understand why this happens. They just know that their feelings have changed. But again, keep in mind, she just got out of a four-year relationship, so her feelings are going to be all over the ice.
So, you should assume and be expecting that she’s going to be hot and cold because that’s just the way it is. And so, when she gets cold, you just let her be, just like a cat that gets bored and takes off and goes and roams the neighborhood and you let it be. You don’t chase after it. You don’t run after it. You don’t grab it. You just let it be. When it feels like it, it will come back and then eventually sit in your lap and start purring again.
(I then found your material in my attempts to find out what the hell was happening.)
I gave her space and pulled back my interest and slowly over a few weeks she regained some attraction (6-7.)
On the attraction table from the chapter It’s All In The Numbers. I would say he’s more than likely overrating her interest and has been and continues to do that.
To where she reached out and asked to see me. Since then, for about 2-3 weeks, we’ve been dating but only around one night per week with the rest of the week having minimal contact apart from chatting at work.
So, it’s important when you’re in that situation and all she when she went back from hot to cold and her texting has stopped and her flirtation has stopped, is that you’ve got to stop moving forward as well and match and mirror her excitement and interest.
Remember, you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is. And your job, as I discussed in 3% Man, is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up, no attachments, no locking her down. And she even told you I want to take it slow.
So, this is the perfect way to do it. And so, if she’s reaching out once or twice a week, your pursuit is over. You shouldn’t have to call or text her anymore. And this is all detailed in the book when she gets to the point where she feels safe and comfortable with you, then she’s going to get to the point where she’s texting you two, three times a week, two, three, four weeks in.
But what we saw here is it happened that way. And the guy didn’t realize that women were like cats. And when she backed off, he put the pedal to the metal and started doing more pursuing. And when that happens, you oftentimes chase the girl out of your life.
She keeps on telling me I should date other girls.
Because, again, she likes him and she’s trying to help him. But she can also tell that he’s totally attached and focused on her and trying to lock her down. And she just got out of a four-year relationship.
(Which I have started doing again)
Meaning he’s dating other women again. And so the other thing you got to keep in mind, if you are dating other woman, you start dating when you start dating somebody like this and you really like her, is that you shouldn’t blow them all off until you see that kind of behavior that she wants to be exclusive or she only wants to see you, or she only wants to date you.
And this woman has disclosed up front, “Hey, I’m dating other guys. So full disclosure.” It’s why you should see yourself as the prize. And she should be the one trying to lock you down and you just create the next opportunity for sex to happen.
And that she wants to be free to do the same.
Meaning she wants to still date other guys.
Something I tell her she should do even though I just want to date her etc.
Again, if it’s not her idea, it’s not going to happen; pretty simple. When it comes to relationships, nine times out of ten, if you’re trying to lock her down, she’s not there yet. Because when a woman’s feeling that she starts bringing it up, she starts hinting at it. She starts asking like, “Where’s this gone? Where do you see this going? Are you dating anybody else?” And it’s always best instead of just giving an answer right away, you go, “Well, what do you mean? Are you not dating anybody else? What’s going on with you? Why? Why are you bringing it up? What do you mean? What are your concerns?” Those are great questions to ask, because whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation.
So, remember that, if you’re trying to remain the leader, be the one asking the questions.
I know she has been dating guys over these past weeks and exploring her options but I find myself stuck in this ‘Holding position’ if you will.
Yeah, your mindset is the wrong mindset. Your mindset should be, “Hey, play ball.” Let the best girl win you over and convince you to be your man. Just like Jimmy Stewart’s character in It’s a Wonderful Life, Donna Reed’s character, Mary, is the name of the character she’s playing is always trying to get George Bailey’s attention, Jimmy Stewart’s character. And it’s a beautiful love story. But the movie was made in 1946, in a time where the archetypes, masculine, feminine energy were pretty normal.
But obviously if that movie was remade today, they’d probably turn George Bailey into a total fucking beta male and a bitch and Mary would be the man in the relationship and George Bailey would be begging her to pay attention to her. But again, it’s a great movie to see the old archetype where a woman is always, she’s got her mind made up that George Bailey is going to be the father of her children because she and there’s a line in the movie, she’s like, I want my babies to look like you.
And that’s beautiful. That’s what you want. And so, until you see that kind of interest, until you see you’re hinting at those kinds of things, you’re a free agent. You shouldn’t be trying to lock anybody down. As a matter of fact, that’s the way Jimmy Stewart’s character is. He’s got plans. He’s got other things he wants to do in his life, and he doesn’t want to stick around and fall in love and get married and end up stuck in Bedford Falls, which he does. But it’s a beautiful story and she’s pretty amazing. And they live happily ever after.
Whereby she wants to see me once a week for drinks and fun where her attraction for me spikes to 7-8 for a day or so then calms back down to a 6-7 between dates.
Well, I’d say it’s only around a six or a seven. You’re overrating her interest, because love starts at nine and if she’s hitting eight, it’s, but you’re still only seeing each other once a week. You’re overrating her interest, dude. And that’s part of your problem because you’re projecting your high attraction to her, on her, and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s just not reciprocating at the same level.
My question is since she is a very attractive girl her options seem unlimited and she seems happy to keep me in her life but at a distance, how do I get out of this holding position and increase her level of attraction back up to the 8-9 and stand out from the other guys she’s dating?
Well, number one, stop fucking thinking like that. That’s the wrong mindset. That is not the mindset of a man who sees himself as a prize and a catch. That’s not the kind of mindset of a guy who is letting the woman win him over. That is a guy who is acting like a chick and he’s all up in his feelings and his feminine energy, which is disgusting and repulsive to women. It turns her stomach, and it turns them off. It’s the wrong question to ask your brain.
You should be asking yourself, “What can I do to create more circumstances where I’m meeting more attractive and beautiful women? So, I have some choices and some options because quite frankly, as Corey says in his book, a woman like this had just got out of a four-year relationship; Her emotions are going to be like a yo yo.
And ideally, I’d like to find a woman who’s already gone through the breakup phase and already taken time to heal. And now she’s single and ready to mingle and she’s selective. She’s not fucking ten other guys at the same time. She’s very selective and she wants to meet the right guy for her.”
That’s the ideal situation and that’s what you should be focusing on. And this girl, if she proves through her actions that she warrants more of your time and attention, you can give it to her by thinking like, “How do I beat out the other guys?” It’s like your attitude. If you’re a 3% Man, you’d be like, I don’t have any competition. And if she chooses somebody else over me, it’s like, “whatever, it’s her loss. I’ll find somebody better.” Simple as that.
Normally I would just continue to date other girls and just cut this girl off.
There’s no reason to cut her off tube. It’s not like an all or nothing type of thing. It’s just she’s one of the girls on your practice squad. For those of you that pay, you’re in the UK. I don’t know how much you know about American football, but you have a practice squad and it was like 12, 13 players or whatever it is. And these are people that are signed to a contract with the team, but other teams can sign them to their active roster and take them off your hands, if you will.
And so, the practice squad is always getting churned throughout the season, meaning some people do so well, they go onto the active roster, and they get a nice contract. Others get beat out by other people and they get dropped, and some of them just stay on the practice squad.
And so, you should have the attitude that women should be winning you over, instead of how can I lock this girl down, which is the wrong mindset. Because you don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t. This girl could be messed up. You don’t. You just don’t know enough about her yet to make any kind of rational vetting decision on whether she’s a good woman to be in a relationship with or not.
Because you’re so focused on, “How do I get her to pay attention to me?” You’re not keeping an open mind and looking at her rationally to determine whether or not she’s even a good match for you, because that’s what she’s doing. That’s what she’s doing with you and all the other guys she’s dating. Do I like this guy? Is he a good match for me?
But I really like her and she ticks almost all of my requirements in a girl.
I’d say that’s suspect as well, because you’re kind of in dopey land at this point.
She also sends mixed signals whereby she tells me to date other girls and then when she finds out I am,
Well, as Doc Love would have said, when kitty cats compete, you win. Women like you more if you’re popular with other women. Pretty simple.
Asks me questions about the other girls and acts jealous about it, and tells me she’s getting attached to me and just wants to take things slow with me
So, her feelings and her emotions are getting engaged at times. But your obsessive desire to find out constantly where you stand with her and when you’re going to be able to lock her down is inhibiting her falling in love with you just like the progression that’s in the book and then blowing off all the other guys and trying to lock you down, which is what you want.
(A mutual girl friend of ours tells me she talks about me all the time, about who else I’m dating and how she should play it with me.)
Well, you shouldn’t be telling this coworker anything, because whatever you tell this coworker is going to get back to her, even if you’re thinking that she’s on your side or whatever. Only tell her things that are going to make you look more attractive and just say, I’m casually dating a few other nice girls, and things you should throw in there is like, “Hey, she just got out of a four year relationship. There’s a good chance she might even go back to the ex. Plus she’s dating other dudes. She never really took any time to heal, so I’m just going to play it by ear and see how things go because she really needs to take time to heal.
But I’m having a lot of fun with her and she’s really cool. And hey, how about them Yankees?” Or in this case, what is the “How about Manchester United? How are those guys?” Change the subject. Don’t stay on it too long.
She essentially pulls me in and then pushes me away each week.
Well, that’s what women do when they’re really into you and they’re feeling it they pull you in. And when they’re not, they’re a little more like a cat, they’re happy to let you go.
How can I stand out from the other guys?
Don’t be thinking like how to stand out from the other guys. Let her come to you. Apply what’s in the book. Follow what’s in the book. Pretty simple. You shouldn’t be thinking like that. You should be dating other women. And again, trying to find the best woman that you can find instead of obsessing over how you can lock this girl down. You don’t even know if she’s a good woman in the first place. You just don’t know yet.
Or is it a case of she’s young, single and wants to explore so I should just continue seeing her casually until she pushes for further commitment from me.
Exactly. She’s just one of the girls on your practice squad that’s vying for your attention. It’s pretty simple.
Something I don’t think will happen as she seems happy to have me there for our weekly bit of fun.
Well, again, what does that tell me? He’s already given up. She’s not going to choose me. I’m a loser. I’m not good enough for her. People will act consistently with how they view themselves to be. And it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. And that kind of thinking is beta male thinking. You should not be thinking about how do I lock this girl down. You should be thinking, how can I stay a free agent, and keep having a good time until somebody really super awesome comes along and convinces me of how amazing she is that, you know what, I don’t really want to date anybody else.
I’m cool with becoming her boyfriend. It’s what she wants. She really loves me. She doesn’t want to share me and she’s pretty great, and she’s proven to me over many months through her actions that she’s a good woman. Her words and her actions match when she says she’s going to do something, she does it. She’s easygoing, easy to get along with. She communicates like an adult. She’s just a net positive to my life. That’s what you should be looking for.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur