What it means and what to do when a woman you just met is texting you 4-5 times a day after only 3 dates.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been on only 3 dates with a girl he really likes that he met through online dating. However, she is now texting him 4-5 times a day and is getting caught up in constant text conversations.
He worries he will talk and text too much and turn her off, and asks what to do because he is shocked this is already happening so early in the dating process. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is actually a good problem to have. So this particular guy, he says he’s been through 3% Man several times already, actually five times. He recently started dating this girl, but I think it was like after the first, second date, she starts texting him. They’ve had three dates, they’re already hooking up. She’s texting him four or five times a day, sending him memes, pictures and stuff like that. So he’s getting pulled in to messaging with her back and forth. What’s perplexing to him is he’s shocked that this is happening so early on in the courtship. So he asked me about it.
This is indicative of a woman who has really super high romantic interest in him, but it’s also possible that she might be insecure and bored and just doesn’t have a lot going on in her life. This can really become an issue. If you get in the habit of texting all day long, then what typically happens after you’ve been dating several months and you get serious and after the honeymoon period wears off, at some point you’re just going to not want to reply as much to these things, and then she’s going to take it as a rejection and you don’t care about her.
So it’s really super important that you train women properly in the beginning, because if you’re available 24/7 and then all of a sudden you become unavailable, which is what typically happens later on in the relationship when guys get lazy and complacent, a big complaint that women have about men is that they’re romantic at first, they take the time, they go out on dates, they romance her. Then after a while, after six months or a year or so, they just don’t do those things anymore at all. Like the courtship completely ends.
When I’m talking to guys that are trying to fix their long term relationship, it’s like they’re usually doing the same two things: Number one, they don’t date or court her properly. Number two, the woman doesn’t feel heard and understood. If the woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close. If you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some other guy is going to come along and do that for you.
There’s a chapter in my book that talks about the courtship never ends. Women want to be in a love story, and they know that if you care, you’ll continue to do the little things. If you don’t, you won’t. So this is a good email to go through, especially in the beginning, because usually, if a girl is texting you four or five times a day, you pretty much should be seeing each other just about every day.
Part of it is this guy has been through the book five times, but he doesn’t know it backwards and forwards. So he’s being a little robotic in his responses, and he’s trying just to ignore her and ignore the texts and not text too much because he doesn’t really understand the philosophy that’s in the book. This is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times, to the point where it’s so well backwards and forwards, you understand pick-up, you understand dating and you understand relationship skills and how you transition back and forth.
I had a phone session just recently with a guy that had read my book a couple of times when he started dating his girlfriend of a couple of years, but now he’s been having trouble the last four or five months. He’s only been going back and learning the relationship stuff. His big problem, once we were in the phone call for the coaching session, he wasn’t paying any attention to the pick-up and dating skills because to him, “Oh, I’m in a relationship, so I don’t need those skills anymore.” You always need to know those skills.
If you ignore them, you ignore them at your peril. Usually what happens is that once you realize, like in that guy’s case, he was all focused on the relationship stuff, but he wasn’t paying attention to her level of attraction and noticing that she had gotten turned off and distant, and it went from her doing most of the pursuing to then him doing most of the pursuing. It didn’t even click with him that he was doing that.
This is why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times. You got to get to know it so well, you don’t have to think about it, because when you take into consideration how much we’ve been propagandized by what’s in the news, in movies and TV about guys being soft and guys over pursuing and acting like stalkers. Of course, if you act like that, then the woman’s going to love you forever. You do that in the real world, you get blown off, you get dumped, you get ghosted.
So we want to keep, like this particular guy who wrote the email, we want to keep things going in the right direction. Her interest is definitely going up, and so he’s doing a good job there, but we want him to continue going up, not where it goes up then it stops and starts going the other way, which a lot of guys run into trouble maintaining it because they’re like, “Hey, I’m getting laid all the time. She’s texting me four or five times a day. I don’t need to read this thing 10 to 15 times.” Then six months later, he’s in a panic like, “Corey I need a phone session. Can you talk to me today?” Whereas typically it’s always at least a week or two before I can get you on this schedule.
So don’t wait to learn the book until it’s an absolute emergency, because then it’s a lot harder to learn and take corrective action when you’re emotionally invested.
Firstly, I really appreciate you putting this book together and I must say I went over it five times and still keep going back to it to read it and even listen to it on Audible.
Well, you got to put the time in dude. There’s no shortcuts to success. A lot of guys I see getting this kind of success get this kind of interest early on and they think, “Hey, I’ve mastered it, I got this. This stuff is easier than I thought. I don’t need to read the damn book 10 to 15 times.” When they don’t, they have a hard time maintaining it. They get some attainable success. If you want it to be sustainable, you’ve got to know the book backwards and forwards because you always need these skills.
I’m writing to you now because I’m now in a situation which I don’t know how to act as this was not covered in your book.
That’s not true dude. You just don’t know the book well enough.
Here is the situation:
I matched with this girl on a dating site who moved to Australia from Brazil about a month ago to study English for a year. She was quick to respond to my in-app message and even agreed to have a date the same night.
Well, that’s pretty quick.
I took her to a nice, cozy restaurant, then to a cozy bar where we had drinks, a good time and laughs. We ended up kissing and getting comfortable with each other. I dropped her off at home. She immediately messaged me saying how she really enjoyed the night etc. I responded saying, “I had a good time too.”
If she texts you at the end of the night and she says, “Hey, I had a good time,” it doesn’t mean you ask her out on a date, but if a day or two after that she’s texting you and she’s got no reason to reach out, then that shows there’s a high level of interest. If a woman is reaching out to you, what does the book say? You should assume she wants to see you and make the next date. Depending on the woman, depending on her attraction level from the start, is going to determine how much time she wants to spend with you or how little.
I mean, there’s a process, and some women are going to be way more into you at first than the average woman is going to be. What this guy is experiencing, this girl is super into him because his game has been pretty tight and he thinks it’s something different out of the book. The book is there, so you respond based upon her level of effort, so you don’t make too much of an effort. You don’t over pursue, you don’t smother, then she starts backing off because that becomes a real drag, especially when you’re three or four weeks into it and things are going so well, and then all of a sudden she starts taking longer to respond, she’s not as available to get together on dates, those kinds of things.
So you want to take slow, measured steps and go slightly slower than she is.
The next day after the first date, she started messaging me, saying, “Good morning,” etc. So I took the opportunity to set up the next date and she agreed. Then I left it at that as I think I should. l and didn’t make any more comments or get into any small chit chat further through text. However, she continues to message me and I try to get away with small replies.
Well, if she’s messaging multiple times throughout the day, as a man, like if you’re in meetings and stuff, like when I was in real estate or I was in the construction industry, it’s like when you’re busy and it’s meetings and you just don’t have time to sit there on the phone all day. Now, if you’re a college kid and you don’t have a job and you’re just going to school, that’s a different story, but even then, I wouldn’t recommend that you be on your phone 24/7 or be available 24/7.
There are things in the book that cover when you should reply and when you should not, but if you get into this habit of texting with her all day long, then eventually that’s going to get in the way of your job and your purpose, and your work’s going to suffer. Then as you get busy with work, then she’s going to complain that you don’t give her enough time.
The reality is, like I talked about in the book, when a woman is in love with you, they want your attention all the fucking time. All the time.
This carried on first week until the second date. We had the second date, similar to first one.
Well, if she’s reaching out, you don’t have to wait a whole week to go out again. It’s just, “Hey, when are you available?” Make the next date. Don’t be a robot and say, “I will only go out with her once a week.”
The idea is you go out once a week to create the conditions where her interest grows, and then she starts texting you and calling you more, which is exactly what’s going on here. Therefore, she’s reaching out to you, she’s pursuing you. You’re not going to get dumped if the girl is pursuing you. So just make the next date. It can even be in the same week. Just look at it and realize that she wants to see you. So create the next opportunity for sex to happen.
What happens is guys that don’t know the book very well, they get locked in on this once a week rule and the girl’s calling and texting them all the time, and yet they will only see the girl once a week. Then what happens as three, four or five weeks in? Eventually the girl starts to back off and lose interest because the dude acts like a robot. Typically what happens is, you start out casually dating. Then week seven or week eight when she’s head over heels in love, she’s pretty much going to be at your house every night or you’re going to be at hers.
That’s just typically normal circumstances. As long as you live in the city, same city, and you’re not three hours away or a country away from each other, it’s just the natural progression. You get to a relationship and women are in love with you and you do what’s in the book,They’re going to want your attention all the time.
That’s what’s starting to happen here. She has super high interest in this guy, and she wants more of his time and attention, and it looks like he’s spending way more time texting her than setting dates, because he’s trying to overlay something he saw in the video, or that he vaguely remembers from the book. It’s like if she’s reaching out, “When are you available? I want to see you.” If you just had two dates, it doesn’t mean you have to go out on an official date every time. If she texts you at 6:00 at night or 7:00, she’s like, “What are you doing?” I would just say, “Come on over.”
She’s already been over to your house. She already been hooking up. Just invite her over. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You can go to eat. You can go out for a drinks. You can cook at your house. You can Netflix and chill. You can go for a swim in the pool. You can go bike riding, whatever. You can go drive around in your golf cart, whatever you going to do. Go for a walk in the park, walk in the beach, long walks on the beach. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s pretty simple. Don’t over-complicate it.
We both had a good time, laughs and I ended up taking her to my hotel room in downtown. Had sex that night then in the morning.
Hotel room? What does that mean? He’s living with his parents? That gets expensive. If you got money to buy a hotel, you can get an efficiency apartment. As a man, you got to have a place to go where seduction can happen. So maybe this guy’s got some distance going on, I don’t know.
After I dropped her off in the morning, similar thing happened and she immediately messaged me saying how much of a good time she had.
Well, you can say, “Why don’t you just come over tonight and hang out?” Same thing. Doesn’t have to be all, “I’m going to make one date and then it’ll be next week.”
The point being is that she’s like, “Hey, I really had a good time. Let’s get together,” because what you’ll notice is you might see her two or three times in a week, say the third week you get together three times, and then the fourth week you notice that maybe you only get together once and she’s not as enthusiastic, she doesn’t call you as much or text you as much, or Face Time you as much or whatever. That’s OK, because women are like cats and you shouldn’t take that personally. It’s just the way their interest tends to fluctuate.
As long as you’re indifferent to it and you’re not bothered, you’re calm and it doesn’t irritate you, then usually the following week it starts to pick back up again. That’s just the ebb and flow. You’re always going to be responding to how she’s showing up and what her level of effort is.
And the next day again, “Good morning,” etc. So I took the opportunity to set up the 3rd date which is about a week later on a Saturday.
Again, there’s no reason to wait a whole week to see her again, but maybe they’re long distance or something like that, I don’t know. It’s just unnecessary. The whole reason why you do one date per week is to create the conditions where she starts texting and calling you more. Now she’s doing that, so you can see her more because she’s the one reaching out to you, not being a robot and going, “Oh, I got to wait a week, week and a half to see her again.”
She agreed to it. She even said she is looking forward to spending the whole weekend with me (I was only planning for a Saturday and never implied it would be the whole weekend).
Dude, this is the natural progression of things. You’ll set a date on a Friday night and you’ll get together. You’ll hang out, you’ll have fun, you’ll hook up, she’ll stay the night. Then you go to breakfast, lunch, you shower together or whatever. She might run home and get some clothes and come back. Or she might wear some of your clothes or whatever, and you can throw her panties and other things in the wash and just spend the day together.
What happens as the weeks go by and the months go by, lipstick shows up, hairspray and an extra blow dryer shows up. Then she’s leaving clothes there. She’s got extra pairs of panties, shoes and outfits, and it just slowly happens. Women will assimilate you and they will bring things over. If you’re hanging out Friday night, you’re hooking up, having a good time and she stays over Saturday, it could turn into a Sunday, that’s how it naturally happens. So this is a good thing. I can tell this guy’s like, “Oh, I don’t want to spend too much time with her.” It’s OK when it’s her idea.
This is all in the book. He said in the beginning, “This is not covered.” No, you just don’t know the book because you’re not really taking it seriously when I tell you you need to read it 10 to 15 times. You’re trying to copy and paste things on here and act like a robot. If you don’t learn the book dude, this shit’s going to blow up in your face.
I know so far it looks like I’m doing good. However as she messages me now four, five times a day, I find it hard to ignore the messages…
You don’t ignore them.
…And I found myself getting pulled into small chat, having to comment on her private message daily pictures.
If she’s texting you during the day and you’ve already been out a couple times and you’re already hooking up, say, “Hey, why don’t you come over tonight and we’ll get some dinner? We’ll cook some dinner together and watch a movie or something.” Simple as that.
Just invite her over. It doesn’t have to be a big date. You don’t have to go out and spend a ton of money. The important thing to recognize, like it’s taught in the book, is that she’s reaching out to you, and obviously she wants to see you and spend more time.
There’s no reason to wait a week, week and a half, to see her again. Unless of course, you’re long distance. This guy mentioned something about a hotel, so I don’t know really what his living situation is, but we’re adults here and we’re having adult conversations, and if you’re a man asking me these kinds of questions, you should have a place of your own.
Whether you have roommates or not, you need to be a man and have a place where a seduction can take place instead of every time you have a date, you set up a hotel, because that’ll get expensive. So it’s a lot cheaper just to get a little efficiency place in town, furnish it nicely. It could be a studio apartment. Really cool the way it’s decorated. Nice TV. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. People going, “Oh, you don’t understand, Coach.” It’s like, give me a break. I was working three jobs when I was in college and going to school full time, so I don’t want to hear it.
Normally I wouldn’t mind doing that, but according to your book, this shouldn’t happen until week six or seven.
You’re acting like a robot because you don’t know the book backwards and forwards. That’s typically under most cases, but what we’re dealing with here is a woman who has super high interest in you. You should take that as a compliment to yourself. She wants to see you more and talk to you more. Plus, she’s Brazilian. Brazilians tend to be a little aggressive, but she could also be super insecure, but I haven’t seen anything about that yet. I don’t see anything about him saying she’s complaining or this or that, but it’s like there’s no reason.
If she’s texting you this much, you’re in week six or seven, again you’re gonna typically just about every night be at her place or she’ll be at yours. You get home from work, she’s showing up with food or a bottle of wine or whatever. You’re making dinner together, you’re hanging out, you’re doing fun things. Just create an opportunity for sex to happen dude.
That’s why she’s reaching out so much because she wants to see you more. So get together and hang out, but when she gets a little cold and distant and she’s not as available as much, don’t get butt-hurt. Don’t take it personally. Just remember, women are like cats. You may spend four or five nights one week, and then the next week you might only see her once or twice. So you’re just going to respond to her level of enthusiasm and not take any of it personally. Not get upset. Not get butt-hurt.
I do really, really like this girl but I’m not sure whether she will lose interest in me as quick as she developed it and I don’t know how to handle this situation where I should be only giving her my time when we are face to face until she slowly develops strong feelings and falls in love. I would really appreciate your immediate help and guidance.
So this guy is incorrectly thinking, “Oh, I will only spend time with her when she has strong feelings.” The feelings develop by spending time in person, and you’re playing a game with her and pushing her away when she’s trying to pull you closer. So you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches because you’re acting like a robot.
She wants to see you. So make a date. It’s OK if you see her three or four times a week or every single night. It does not matter. It’s all going to go at her pace, and she’s excited to see you and wants to see you more, but you’re putting her off unnecessarily. Then to make up for it, she’s texting you more. So you’re just not recognizing that she’s making the car go a little faster and you’re trying to put your foot on the brake and slow it down, and it’s just not necessary, because she’s chasing you. If a woman is chasing you, she’s not dumping you. She’s not getting rid of you. She’s not blowing you off. She’s not ghosting you. These are all good signs.
Like I said, the problem why this is confusing to you is probably because it’s never happened before. The other thing is, you don’t know the book, and you’re cherry picking and you’re getting lazy. You can’t do that, man. You’ll screw it up long term. You have to take the time. When I do phone sessions with guys, it’s like they’re either brand new to my work and follow me for a few weeks, and the guys have been following me for a long time. Typically what happens is they never took the time to read, “Oh yeah, I read it twice three years ago and I’ve been dating this girl for a year.” Then when I talk to them, it’s like they’re making the same rookie mistakes as a guy that just found my work a week ago because they never took the time to learn that.
This guy is in a great place, but because he doesn’t know the book, he’s in danger of screwing things up. Got to get serious, dude. Take your success seriously. There are no shortcuts.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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