She Treats Me Like A Backup Booty Call. Should I Tell Her I’m Moving On?

How to treat women who treat you like a backup booty call.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 35-year-old viewer who’s occasionally hooking up with a 21-year-old fellow musician. They hook up when they see each other at festivals. However, he can never get her out on a date in-between seeing her at festivals because she always has plans.

He’s thinking about telling her he’s moving on to get her to try harder to see him and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this guy is 35 and he’s occasionally hooking up with a 21-year-old fellow musician, I guess, maybe a month, once or twice a month. They see each other at these different music festivals. They hang out, they have fun, and they hook up, but he says every time in between them, when he reaches out to try to get together for a date or to see her, she always is busy and has plans. So he’s thinking about telling her that he’s going to move on and hopes that it makes her want to spend more time with him. So I tell him what to do instead.

The problem is he cares way more about her than she does about him. I mean, he’s 14 years older than her. He should know better, but it’s pretty clear that she’s got all the power and he needs to. As the book says, you got to match and mirror the effort and behavior. If you’re reaching out to a girl, even if it’s somebody you hook up with once or twice a month, and then you try to see her more than that, and she’s just non-responsive or is always busy, if you’ve reached out two times in a row and she’s not excited about getting together with you, then you see her in a few weeks at a festival and she’s down to hook up, well give her the same level of importance in your life that you are in hers. What he’s basically doing is treating her like a priority when she kind of treats him like a once a monthly or a bi-monthly booty call, basically as what’s going on here.

This just goes to show that women like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. When it’s the opposite, you basically get treated the way this guy is getting treated.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I am 35, and I’ve been seeing a 21-year-old chick. She initiated with me in the first place and I have been a little skeptical all along, but she’s cool and gorgeous, so why not give it a shot? We see each other a few times a month at music events (We’re both musicians) and when we’re together in person, she seems very interested. She’s giving me the big doe eyes, we’ll go on a walk around the block and fool around, and sometimes go home and get it on after. But when I try to make dates, she’s doesn’t respond to me for a day or two and she always has plans.

So somebody waiting one or two days or more than 24 hours to respond, assume it’s just low interest. So if she’s down to hook up when you see her at the festivals, but in between when you’re reaching out, she’s not excited and is always busy, then stop reaching out. More than likely, when you actually do see her, she’ll be more keen to spend time with you and you’ll probably start actually hooking up with her more then, because you want her to feel that something is different. Like in this case, if you’re always trying to get her out and she’s always shooting you down, as the book says, you’re going to ask no more than twice. If she shoots you down both times, you just simply won’t bring it up. You’ll stop moving forward. You’ll stop chasing and pursuing. What you’re ignoring is she’s not making any effort to get together, but when you guys do see each other, she’s down to hook up. So give her the same kind of priority.

I know it’s hard to do because if you’re only focused on how much you like her and you’re going to ignore how much she doesn’t like you in return, then you’ll behave like this guy, and then just kind of get yourself stuck where you want to see her more, you’re hopeful that something more becomes of it, but at the end of the day, it’s like she’s down to hook up whenever she sees you. Other than that, she’s not really interested in making dates or anything. So again, he’s just too interested in her and ignoring the fact that her interest is low in him.

I get it, she’s young and busy doing her thing, but I feel like if she wanted to see me, she’d make time.

Yeah, that’s why you don’t keep trying to give anybody, the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. Don’t try to give it to somebody who doesn’t appreciate it. Men of value who love and respect themselves are just going to take the hint that, “OK well, I guess we’ll just hook up when we see each other.” She’s the one that initiated things. What happened was, you probably tried to move a little faster than she was willing, and it’s still there, you’re still giving off the same vibe, but when you’re around her, it seems like you kind of are able to kind of keep it together. Whereas when you’re apart, it’s not coming off so well. Again, you got to pay attention to the level of effort that’s coming from the other side. It can’t just be a one-way street or a one-way J.

I get the sense I’m a low priority.

Yes, you’re low priority.

I’m seeing other girls but she doesn’t know that.

Yeah. She doesn’t need to know, but she will feel it. If you’re usually reaching out a matter of days or a week or two after you hooked up at a festival, and then all of a sudden the last time you hook up or you saw each other, you’re no longer reaching out, well she’s going to probably assume you’re fucking somebody else. When you do see her at these festivals, if you make eye contact, smile and wave and then go about your business, let her be the one to come up to you. You’re probably just over-communicating your interest when you’re with her, but when you’re apart, it just kind of turns her off. So you have to have enough self-control to back up when your interest isn’t reciprocated.

She is my favorite. I don’t know if she’s seeing anyone else…

Obviously she probably is.

…But her behavior kind of suggests that. 

I’m tempted to have a conversation where I tell her I’m going to move on and find someone who gives me what I want, just to see if I can light a fire under her. Do you think this is a good idea?

Absolutely not, because you’re thinking like a man. You’re thinking, “I’ll use logic and reason to get her to want to be with me more.” The greatest gift you can give anybody is a gift of your time. If somebody is continually showing you that your time is really not that valuable, stop trying to give it to somebody who doesn’t appreciate it. If you don’t value your time, nobody else will either. If you’re constantly trying to give your time to somebody that doesn’t seem to give a shit, well it shows that you don’t value your time either. That’s why she blows you off. So you should just vote with your feet.

Notice the fact that hey, she’s an occasional fuck buddy that you see every few weeks and you’ll just let let nature run its course when you see her. Other than that, if she wants to see you more, she can reach out to you and then you can make a date. If she’s calling or texting you a week or two after the last time you saw her, and then you try to make a date, she’ll probably be down, but you’re just clearly pursuing too much. You’ve been unable and unwilling to back off. At the end of the day, dude, you should have all the leverage because you’re almost 15 years older than she is, and you’re basically getting your ass handed to you by a little 21-year-old girl. So do you think this is a good idea?

Or should I just go ahead and continue dating other girls and let her figure it out?

Yeah, once you stop giving her attention, she’s going to feel that if she’s used to you reaching out every few days or once a week or whatever you’ve been doing, and all of a sudden that completely stops, she feels you stop moving forward, more than likely, when you see her in person, the next time she’ll come up to you more excited and probably mention the fact she hasn’t heard from you like she normally does, which shows that it’s having an effect.

So you don’t need to tell her. Just let her figure it out. Let her notice, because if you’ve met somebody else, what would you be doing? You wouldn’t be calling or texting her. You’d be hanging out with the other girl. It’s like calling somebody and going, “Hey, I just want you to know I’m not going to call you anymore until you call me.” Just stop calling them. Somebody treats you like they don’t value you, well give them the gift of missing you permanently, if that’s required.

She may just be young and inexperienced and not realize what’s happening…

Oh, she knows. She knows you like her way more than she likes you.

…So part of me feels like I should make it clear.

It’s like, nah. Again, you can’t talk a woman into liking you more. She has to feel her emotions and feelings by you behaving in an attractive way. Then nature will take its course naturally.

Maybe we’re just a mismatch, but then again I have little or nothing to lose.

Thanks for all you do!

Bob

Well, I would just, again, stop moving forward. That is what the book teaches. If you notice that you’re reaching out to a girl on two different occasions and both of them she’s busy, well you just never ask her out again. Let her be the one to reach out to you and say she reaches out to you. Then you ask her out. She still won’t make plans, well then the next time she reaches out, don’t make plans with her. Send two or three texts back and forth and say, “Hey, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” One of two things will happen: She’ll either bring up getting together or she’ll stop texting you. So you’re still over-pursuing and you’re not backing off enough to where her feelings can bubble up. Therefore, she’s seeing you based upon her level of enthusiasm, which obviously clearly, if we look at her actions, it’s pretty low. So pay attention to that and match and mirror it. Again, that’s what the book teaches.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.