The consequences of dating a woman who wants to spend more time with you, but you acted like a cold fish instead.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about eight months. A few months into their dating, she was asking to spend more time together, and after about six months she told him that she didn’t want to waste her time, implying that she was concerned it wasn’t going anywhere because he was being such a cold fish towards her.
Now she has become distant, says she misses him, but won’t actually set dates to see him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What you’re going to see in his email, like I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, the courtship process starts off very slow, typically, one date a week. And as the weeks go by, and you’re following what’s in the book, hopefully, you’re dating a woman you really like and you’re really excited to spend time with her, and you really genuinely care for her, and you want to know what she has to say, you’re interested in what she has to say.
And when you’re out on a date with a woman you like listening to, you love being around, she makes you feel joy on the inside, and she loves being with you, things are easy and effortless and you don’t ever really run out of things to talk about, when there’s a lot of chemistry there, the idea is you get closer and closer as the weeks and months go by.
Unfortunately for this guy, he was a cold fish because, as he says, he’s come to realize he was afraid to trust because he’s gotten burned in the past. And so, it’s like he kind of treated this woman really like a friends with benefits and didn’t treat her and make her feel like he cared.
She communicated early on that she was really interested and really liked him, but he just acted like an emotionless zombie. And now, eight months later, they haven’t seen each other for almost a month. But she says, “Oh, I miss you. I can’t wait to see you.” Then, he tries to set a date and she won’t set a date, so now he’s regretful of where things are.
If you want to have a relationship with woman, you can’t treat them just like a fuck buddy. They’re not going to stick around long term, and that’s kind of basically how this guy treated her. He kept her at arm’s length, didn’t really let her get close. She wanted to be close, he kept putting her off and focusing on other things. And eventually, it sounds like she’s probably got some other guys in her life, and so she’s kind of keeping him in the background. Because they never really got serious, there was no exclusive relationship. They were just kind of casually hooking up.
I know it’s counterintuitive, guys that have a problem trusting and are worried that a girl is going to cheat, you have to make her feel so safe and comfortable to where she lets her guard down completely. And over time, you’ll be able to see through her actions whether or not she qualifies as somebody you should consider for a long term relationship.
And if you try to control her or you’re getting jealous and you’re getting upset with texts and other things, and who she’s spending time with, she’ll just hide this stuff from you and won’t tell you these things. And then, you can’t really vet them properly because you don’t know what’s really going on. And then, the longer you go, before you actually find out they’re not trustworthy, the more emotionally invested you get. And when you really care for them and you’re really into them, your emotions are going to override the logic, even when you see red flags everywhere, when you see more red flags in the Chinese Communist Party has.
I’ve followed you for a long time off and on. Many years ago, (maybe 8?), we actually did a phone session about my relationship with a super toxic woman I had the poor judgment of moving in with. I’ve recently been through a string of 7’ish-month relationships over the last couple years, and I’ve gotten back into your stuff and am basically listening to your first book on repeat via Audible these days.
Well, now that he’s in pain, he’s willing to learn about “How To Be A 3% Man.” And if this is the first video you’re watching of mine, you can read “How To Be A 3% Man” for free on my website. You can read “Mastering Yourself,” which is a book of self-reliance, and obviously, you can also check out my new book of quotes, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations.” On my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com, there are links to all the different versions of the books and places where you can buy the paperback, hardcover, digital and audio type books.
At the beginning of the year, I met a girl on a dating app and we started seeing each other pretty regularly. Spending one weekend night, then two, and sometimes a weekday night as well.
So, things are progressing in the beginning.
We went to the desert for a couple days in April for her birthday, etc. She’s super sweet and caring and was doing lots of the pursuing.
What percentage? One of the things I always ask when I’m doing phone sessions with guys is, “What percentage were you contacting her first, versus her contacting you first?” and it’s always very telling. And whenever I hear 50/50, which I hear a lot in phone sessions, or it starts where the guy is doing maybe 20-30%, and then he’s doing 40%, and then he’s doing 60%, I already know how the story is going to end. It ends in friendzone or getting rejected.
He’s pursuing too much. He never gives her enough of a chance to emotionally bond. But I don’t know that that was the case, because you could tell they’re getting closer and closer together, and her emotions are getting engaged, and this is what a woman does when her emotions get engaged.
Fun times, great sex, her only complaint used to be wanting more time with me.
Well, when a woman is in love, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they want your attention all the time. They want to nest, they want to be around you. They want to be near you, they want to touch you. They want to wake up in your arms in bed in the morning.
I have been very work/career focused and have been playing it cool with her.
Playing it cool with her? If you’re trying to create a relationship, you don’t play it cool eight months into it. It sounds like you’re being a cold fish and keeping her at a distance.
I think we also felt it was good to take things a little slow. I am 45 and she is 32. Around the 6-month mark (probably before) she started to say things to me about how it’s been 6 months and she didn’t want to waste her time.
So, obviously what that means is that she feels like it’s going nowhere. In other words, it’s not going to lead to any kind of sustainable, great, intimate relationship. She’s starting to feel like he’s just hooking up with her, and then when he’s not hooking up with her and getting the milk for free, if you will, he’s focusing on work and other things. That is just simply not going to work. So, he’s kind of stuck in the dating phase and not really progressing from dating to relationship. He’s keeping her at arm’s length.
She also started spending more time with a group of friends from work, had told me about late nights with random people crashing at her place, etc.
Yeah, you can tell you just basically started hooking up and never let it go beyond that and kept her at a distance.
She even told me that if I wasn’t comfortable with what she was doing she would stop. I basically avoided all the serious conversations and prompts to share my feelings with her.
So, you acted like an emotionless zombie. It doesn’t mean gush and talk about all your weaknesses, your insecurities and doubts, but tell her the things you love about her, celebrate her. I mean, the reality is feminine energy grows through praise, and the things you praise in the women that you’re close to, guess what, they’ll do more of that.
Deep down, I think I was scared of getting burned/hurt and afraid to trust her. She picked up on some of my jealousy, as I made some dumb remarks when we hung out late in July. The last time we slept together was 8/1 (a Sunday). I blew her off that week because I was working and she was supposed to reach out about meeting up that weekend after an event she had planned, but she never did. Since then, our communication has been rough.
I mean, if this girl’s reaching out every day and you’re hardly ever seeing her, what what the fuck do you think is going to happen, dude? Seriously.
She stopped reaching out every day, planning ahead for the weekends, etc.
Yeah, you made her feel like you didn’t care. She was really into you several months back, and she was telling you about the fact that she was partying and having a good time, meaning obviously, she wasn’t spending time with you, so she filled it up with other people, because you consistently made her feel like you didn’t care and it wasn’t going anywhere.
If a woman is dating a guy, and she cares about him, and she doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere, and there’s other dudes around that make her feel like they care, what do you think is going to happen? I mean, you’re not even exclusive. You weren’t even in a relationship. You don’t date somebody for eight months and then not get into a relationship. That’s a friend with benefits, that’s a fuck buddy, that’s a sex playmate. I mean, women aren’t stupid. I should say most of them are not that stupid. They may do stupid things.
I got her out on 8/15 and took her to a romantic setting where I said I wanted to clear things with her and that I didn’t like how I was showing up, saying shitty things, etc. I told her I wanted more from this and I didn’t mean to avoid those conversations she was trying to have with me.
So, in other words, he starts bringing this up when he recognized, “Wow, she’s really not making the effort and she’s slipping away.” But at this point, as she’s moving away from him, because rejection breeds obsession, now he wants to have a serious type of conversation with her, but her emotions are not in that place because of the way he treated her.
Her reception was warm, she was kissing me, thanking me for sharing, telling me she appreciates me, she wants me to spend more time with her, to initiate more, and called me out for never telling her she’s beautiful.
Feminine energy grows through praise. “Babe, you look hot in that dress! Oh my God. Everyone’s going to be staring at you tonight, and I’m going to be beaming with pride because you’re my girl.” Those are the kinds of things you’re going to say to somebody that you care about on a consistent basis, because she smiles and she beams. She gets all dressed up looking good for you, and you don’t even notice? As Zan Perrion says, “Beauty needs a witness.” Don’t be a cold fish, it’s not going to end well.
We went to dinner and had a nice night, but she was still on her phone a lot…
Because, obviously, her interest was low.
…and was telling me she was taking care of a guy friend with a broken hip and a girlfriend who was having a breakdown.
Yeah, she had this whole other life going on and this dude, just like I said, he treated her like an occasional fuck buddy. What the hell do you think is going to happen?
We stayed out later than she expected and when I drove her home at 12:30, she didn’t want me to come up because she had to get up at 6 am for work the next day. I respected this, of course, but also was bummed we weren’t going to sleep together.
When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
I was going away the following weekend and wasn’t going to see her then. It’s now 9/9 and I still haven’t seen her again. I got back from my trip and told her I want to see her, and she expressed the same thing. But every time I try to make a plan, she’s busy. She asks when I am free and has once even said, “I can’t wait to see you,” but every day I suggest she’s not available.
That’s why if you’ve been a good student, you say, “When are you available, babe? I want to see you. I want to see your face?”
She’s told me work has been crazy and she’s been going nonstop, and she keeps saying how sorry she is.
Sure, she’s really sorry.
But it takes her a day or two to respond to me…
Yeah, bro, Elvis has left the building. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but Elvis left the building a long time ago, and you didn’t even notice.
…where she used to send messages almost daily just to tell me she hopes I’m having a good day, etc.
Yeah, her interest is not where it once was. You’re an afterthought. You’re basically a guy she used to fuck.
Finally, I called her out last week and said I understand about the work stuff, but it’s strange to keep saying she wants to see me more but not make any time for that. I live up the street! I told her to let me know what works when she comes up for air and left it. It’s been almost a week since I sent that message, no reply.
That’s it, you don’t do anymore after that. You have to wait to hear from her. Going from treating her like a cold fish and then trying to over pursue once you notice she’s drifted away just causes her to drift away more.
I miss the hell out of her.
Well, you should have thought about that before you turned into an emotionless zombie.
I’ve had some serious revelations lately, and I want to show up and take this seriously.
Well dude, it takes time for a woman to fall in love, it takes time for her to fall out of love, and it takes time for her to fall back in love. You don’t go from, “Oh wow, she’s spending time with other people, probably other dudes,” to “Oh, I want a relationship now.” It doesn’t work. What you want and what you’re feeling is not where she’s at emotionally right now.
I don’t think I did in the past, and she got tired of my not moving things forward, or worse, backing off as she tried to move things forward. I wonder if one of her “friends” is in the picture, and/or if her group of friends is telling her to let me go.
Probably all of the above. If this was your sister and a guy was treating her this way, or what if this was your mom and some guy she was dating was treating her in this way, what would you say? “Fucking kick that dude to the curb. He doesn’t care about you. You deserve somebody that cares about you, and wants to be with you, and is it excited when you say ‘I miss you and want to see you.’ And he’s like, ‘Fuck yeah, let’s get together.'” It didn’t happen, dude.
You probably weren’t really that into this girl until she started disappearing. And you like the free pussy, so hey, it is what it is, man. You don’t go from just treating somebody like you don’t care to, “Oh, I’ve got to have her.” Rejection breeds obsession, so I would say more than likely, several months ago, four or five months ago, the way you were treating her is really indicative of how you felt about her. Because you didn’t care about her then, but now you care because she’s drifted away.
I’m all about peak performance, not average or mediocre, because the world is full of those people. Remember the average American? 74% of Americans are overweight or obese. Why? Because they don’t give a fuck. They don’t care. They don’t love themselves. They treat their bodies like a waste dump. They don’t care.
Bottom line is I want another chance with her, but I can’t even get face to face with her to try and work toward that.
Well, stop trying to seek her attention and validation. Never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.
I suspect you’ll tell me to let go and move on for now, and if she reaches out get her to hang out, have fun and hook up.
But I am getting so hurt and bummed at her total 180 on me that I don’t know if I’ll even be able to.
Well, it’s not like a sudden thing. This has been going on for a while.
This girl used to be at an 8/9…
On the attraction scale of 1-10 from my book, in the chapter, “It’s All in the Numbers.”
…and now I’m worried she’s below 5. Please help me figure out what’s going on here. Sorry this is so long.
Your friend and student,
Well, like I said, Elvis has left the building. You can’t do anything at this point. You’ve tried. So, I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing and then make dates. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Court her properly. Actually do what the book says, if you feel that way. But if you’re just doing it because now your fuck buddy has moved on to greener pastures, well, the right thing to do is to let her go.
Because if you care about somebody and you love them, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. There’s no honor in getting this girl back and getting her hopes up, and then a couple of months from now, just going right back to not giving a shit. That’s not right. Be a fucking man, dude. If you’re not that into it, let the girl go, and move on and find somebody you are really into. That’s what I would do if I were you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, Click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“If you are afraid to trust, you must give the person you are afraid to trust the time and space to prove their trustworthiness or reveal their untrustworthiness. That is the whole point of vetting when dating. You must determine if you can trust them by giving them the freedom to come and go and be loyal, or not, without trying to control them. When you try to control others, it causes them to hold back and not feel comfortable being real and honest with you. This leads to deception, betrayal and unnecessary heartbreak. Not everyone deserves to be in your inner circle, because they must earn your trust through their actions, not their words.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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