She Wants Space & No Contact. What Happened? I Thought We Were Good

Why a woman will suddenly want space and no contact in your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 36 year old viewer who’s been following my work for about 9 years. He admits he stopped reading the book about 6 years ago when he met his current girlfriend. She got a job offer that involved her moving away to another state for 6 months for training. Once she left he noticed her slipping away. Now she wants to take a break and have no contact between them. He’s confused and unsure of what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. On the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She Wants Space & No Contact. What Happened? I Thought We Were Good.”

Well, that is typically what most guys say. They didn’t see the breakup coming. They didn’t have any self-awareness. This particular guy, he’s 36 years old. He says he’s been following my work for about nine years. And he admits he stopped reading The Book about six years ago when he met his current girlfriend. And so I think he said he read it like 10 to 15 times and really spent a lot of time with it. Got serious with his girl, and then just never went back to it.

And the guys that are going to maintain things, because you got to remember whatever you observe, you participate in. And if you stop reading The Book, stop watching the videos, and you only consume traditional TV and media and movies, well, you’re getting propagandized by dysfunctional archetypes. And if that’s all you’re consuming, I mean, over the course of six years, it’s easy for things to kind of go sideways and to go back to the way you were just because, again, that’s what you’re consuming.

You’re no longer consuming my work or reading The Book. I mean, again, the guys that are real successful typically go back to The Book at least once or twice a year just to stay sharp. Because, again, we’re all being propagandized every day. The same archetypes are always presented in the movies and the TV shows that we see, and we can go back to sleep pretty easily. And so this particular guy, unfortunately, he got to the point where he thought he had it in the bag, and he just kind of went back to sleep. But things seemed to be pretty good.

And then his girlfriend got a job opportunity that required her to go, I guess he lived in Florida, and it required her to go to Georgia and live there for about six months to get training, but it’s like once she went away about a month or two into it, he’s like her attitude completely changed. She became different. She became distant. I don’t know if they saw each other or how often they saw each other while they were long distance.

But now that she’s done and she’s come back, she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. And so she wants space and she wants no contact to see about her feelings. So let’s go through his email, because this one’s a little bit of a long one, because there was a couple different emails that I got from him that kind of tell the whole story here.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach Corey,

I have followed you for about 9 years now, have your book 3% Man in paperback and audible. Between the both have read it/heard it about 15 times.

Well, again, this was six years ago.

In the beginning I read it a lot. 6 years ago Got myself a wonderful woman which is now my present day fiancée for 1 year and 1 month. We lived in South Florida to start off. She moved in around 6 months in. She said I love you to me about 1 to 2 months in our dating. Everything was going to your book. She reached out to me 80 to 90% of time. I set up dates, had fun, and hooked up.

Kept texting short and to the point. The relationship was so easy going and she was extremely into me. She kept pushing me to get engaged and marry her and I gave her a timeline. I stuck to it. I moved to Central Florida 4 years ago due to a better cost of living and she came with. She got a transfer within her company. I work remote and absolutely love it here.

Florida is the best I’ve been all over the world. There’s no place like Florida, but it is like a swamp down here. And if people don’t like the heat, well, it’s probably not the place for you. But it is Paradise.

Before the move, she applied to a federal position which the application process took years. She was really looking forward to that career if she got the opportunity. If she received the job offer, it may have her relocating which is what happened in September of 2023.

So if you’re in a relationship with a girlfriend and she wants to get married and all these things, and then she gets a job and she’s going to relocate to another state, I wouldn’t be okay with that. If she really loves you and wants to be with you, she’d be like, yeah, I’m not going to go relocate to another state without you. But if she’s willing to do that, what does that tell you about your relationship? It’s not really that important.

We talked that if she had to relocate, we could eventually land in a place together where we mutually agreed on. I told her to take it (otherwise I felt like she resent me) and the location was in South Florida again. Plan was to start there and relocate to a place we both agreed on with a lower cost of living. Before She went off to training for 6 months in Georgia, she wanted me to marry her.

Yeah, so if you’re that close and she wants to get married and you think it’s a good idea after six years together for your wife to go live in another, or your fiancée to go live in another state for six months like that, that’s going to completely change things, because now you’re no longer waking up together every day, spending every day together, grocery shopping, making love, doing family things.

Now all of a sudden she’s in another state and now you got to go long distance. You either got a long car ride or a short plane ride. You got to think about the logistics of that. And if you’re thinking about getting married and starting a family, do you really want her to take a government job? Who’s going to take care of the kids? Do you want her to take a government job where she’s got to go out of state for six months? I wouldn’t want to be doing that.

I stuck to the timeline originally set of a year and a half of being fiancé and then we would. She went off and things changed. About two months in noticed her pulling back and not being as loving (it’s been a total of 6 months now since I first noticed that).

Yeah, the dynamic of the relationship completely changed. You went from living together and being together 24/7 to now, she’s a stranger in another state. I don’t know how often you guys would get together and see one another.

I asked her what was wrong in which she said nothing. I didn’t keep asking which I should have.

Well, the things you got to remember about The Book, which he hasn’t gone back to in a long time, is the courtship never ends. If you don’t date and court, your wife or your girlfriend, or in this case, your fiancée, eventually some other guy will. And so if you’re close together, you’re living together and all of a sudden she goes and lives in another state and you don’t talk as much. And on top of that, she’s distant and you’re not seeing each other very often.

There’s a good chance she might meet somebody else that hits on her. She might be complaining. “Oh, I never hear from my boyfriend. He never comes to see me.” Or, “My fiancé I never hear from him.” And then there’s another guy in her class. Or that’s training with her. “Oh, what a jerk. If you were my girl, I would definitely come to see you.” Shit. Like that’s how it starts.

She never came home once even though it was only a 3 hour drive.

Well, that tells you everything. Women vote with their feet. So as soon as she moves away, she can’t seem to find the time to come see you.

Besides seeing her on the holidays, I offered twice go to see her and she said no she was too busy.

Yeah. That tells you everything you need to know. And so, in reality, he thought his relationship was great. Until she left. And the reality is, part of the reason, probably why she left was she wanted some space from him. She wasn’t that into it. And he didn’t notice because, again, it had been six years since he’d last gone through The Book and he kind of got lulled back to sleep. And he just assumed, since they were living together, that everything was perfect.

But if your girlfriend moves to another state and she’s only a three hour drive away, and she never, over the course of six months, wants to come home to see her man, and she doesn’t want you to come see her either. She’s living like she’s single. She doesn’t want you around. You’re not important to her. You can’t just ignore something like that and go, “oh, everything’s great.” “How’s your fiancée?” It’s like, “well, she’s in Georgia for six months and I haven’t seen her and she doesn’t want to come see me, and she doesn’t want me to come see her. But everything’s great. We’re going to get married.”

People be like, what? Are you kidding me? A three hour drive, which should have happened if you’re going to do that, is that every other week you go see her, she comes to see you. It’s a three hour ride. She says, oh, I’m too busy. I’m too busy to come see you. What that means is she doesn’t want to come see you. And the fact she doesn’t want you coming to see her shows that she’s probably living a single life. Maybe hanging out with Chad Thunder Cock at her new job.

She passed training in March and works in South Florida now and living out of her parents. She has told me I put in no effort.

Haha, “I put no effort.” She wouldn’t let you put in any effort. But you notice how she blames it on you, throws it in your face.

She has told me I put in no effort which is why she says she has pulled back.

No as soon as she left town that was a break for her. And the fact she didn’t want you coming to see her, and she had no desire to come see you at all. Women vote with their feet. If she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to be okay with not seeing you for six months or not coming to see you for six months. It takes two to tango, man. When she told you that, the red flags should have been flashing.

But to just ignore something like that; your girlfriend moves three hours away, she doesn’t want to come see you, and she doesn’t want you coming to see her, yeah. Your relationship was over when she went to Georgia. She just didn’t tell you about it. What happened was you got put in backup position. You were then one of her male orbiters that she kept at arm’s length.

So whether you realize it or not, her going to another state for a job, that was her breaking up with you. She just didn’t tell you about it because she wanted you to be a backup position in case things didn’t work out with maybe whoever she met there or maybe her meeting somebody else.

I have reached out to her more but the responses I get are generally cold. The relationship is not the same. She’s gone cold and has dried up. I suggested we see each other once every 2 weeks in which she liked. We have, but still things continue to go south.

I talked about moving down there with her and we went house hunting a couple of times but now she feels like we should rent first because she doesn’t know how we will be when living back together and doesn’t want me to up and move my life for the relationship to not end up working.

Yeah, because at this point he doesn’t even recognize it. He’s completely jumping through his butt and is willing to give up everything that’s important to him. He loves Florida, but now he’s like, oh, I’ll move for you, baby. He doesn’t realize it.

At some point, the power flipped in his relationship And he made her the man, and he became the woman. She has gone from originally in her feminine to being in her masculine now. Yeah. If you’re willing to move someplace you don’t really want to live to try to keep her, you’ve already lost.

She has gone from originally in her feminine to in her masculine now.

She’s told me recently when we’ve seen each other she’s had sex with me even though she didn’t feel emotionally into it and it was only physical. I know it’s my fault as the leader for the way the relationship goes. Any guidance will he greatly appreciated. During the relationship I slacked from reading the book but have now opened it again. 

Yeah dude, you went to sleep a long time ago and when she moved away to Georgia, that was her breaking up with you to see what life was like without you. Especially the fact that she never once came to see you. And she did everything she could to fight tooth and nail to prevent you from coming to see her. So when your girls behave in that way, it’s like, yeah, she doesn’t want you around.

I forgot to mention I’m 36 and she’s 31. We are both without kids and she used to talk to me about having them with me all the time. Ever since I noticed she pulled back in January she doesn’t talk about that anymore. 

Because since January and since she left, she doesn’t want to have kids with you. That’s why she stopped talking about it. These are things that are in The Book. But you stopped reading it six years ago, and you’ve probably forgotten a lot of what you learned. You totally went back to sleep. You got to participate in your own rescue.

Anyways, she came to see me finally two weekends ago. She also talked about us getting an Airbnb in South Florida for a month or longer to “see if her feelings would return”.

Yeah, so even the way her mindset is, you know, she’s single and you’re not together anymore and she, “oh, let’s get an Airbnb and we’ll spend some time together and I’ll see if my feelings return on whether or not I want to get back together with you and give you another chance.” He doesn’t realize it, but she broke up with him back in January.

I told her I’d think about it and get back with her. While she was here, she was all lovey, hands all over me, talking about that she loves me and spending time with me (it was just like the old times). Sex was really good. Also before January (that’s when I noticed she pulled back while away at training) she always wanted to have sex with me.

Yeah, because she was into it. But as soon as she left, Elvis had left the building.

She always wanted to have sex with me, way more than I could give her. It was crazy. Back to that weekend. She left on Sunday and I told her to text me when she got home in which she did. On Monday I reached out to her and told her we could do the Airbnb but let’s do 2 weeks instead of one month as the prices down there are very expensive and I’m still paying mortgage here.

She replied “That it’s not enough time to see if her feelings return and would be silly to move things for such a short period”. Should I have even agreed to this Airbnb thing from the start? 

She should have just come home to you. But again, she’s single. She’s already broken things off and she’s just not been honest and hasn’t told you. She’s just trying to see if her feelings return enough to give you another chance. But meanwhile, her mentality and her mindset and her actions is like she’s been single since January.

On Wednesday, I received a text from her randomly saying that she wanted space that may be temporary or not, not to contact her, and cease all romantic encounters. I have attached the screenshot of the text. 

So let me. I’m going to pull up the email here. Let’s see. And we’ll go through the text exchange because the text exchange is pretty telling.

So here’s what she sends to him.

Hey, this is not easy for me to tell you. I’ve been feeling like I need to tell you that I would like to consider some time apart from this relationship, to figure out what I want. I have given an honest effort with you, steering in the positive direction and with you putting in effort and making continuous plans for us to see each other.

So she acknowledges that he’s making the effort and doing all those things she claims she was lacking. But what does she say?

I would now like to create space and time to gain clarity. I don’t believe I am able to give you what you need in a partner at this time. I don’t want to put additional effort in. My feelings haven’t changed. As I’ve told you, you’re doing all the things I wanted from you for so long, but I can’t help but feel like it’s a little too late.

So probably what happened is when they were together again before she left in January, he stopped dating and courting her wasn’t making her feel heard and understood, and her going to train in another state was really her trying to see if she missed him, if she went away. That’s what really happened. And the fact that she never once came to see him and didn’t want him to come see her only until recently is like, yeah, she dumped you in January, and you didn’t realize it.

What she didn’t tell you is that she was trying to see if being away from you would cause her feelings to come back. And then she blames it on you by saying you weren’t making enough of an effort. She wasn’t letting you make an effort. She didn’t want to come see you, and she didn’t want you to come see her. So that’s nonsense, what she’s telling you. But again, this all started because you went back to sleep. You went back to sleep at some point in the relationship.

I love you, and I feel that we are together at this point solely out of comfort. At this point, I want to be alone.

In other words, I want to be single, which she’s been single since January. She’s just now telling you about it.

I would like intentional space to figure things out. I understand if this may feel like it is coming out of nowhere, as we just spent an enjoyable weekend together.

Yeah. What does that tell you? She’s putting on a good act. She said all the right things, but as soon as she leaves, she’s like, Eh. I’m out.

During this time, it can be temporary or not. I would like us to cut all contact and cease any romantic encounters.

So in other words, she’s basically saying, I want to go fuck somebody else and you should probably do the same.

I know this can be a lot. I’m open to discussion.

Not really. She’s not open to discussion.

But I am sure that I would like some time apart. I am doing my best to be fair to you.

No she’s not. She only cares about herself and how she feels about him, and she doesn’t feel any attraction or respect anymore, so she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She’s now finally admitting to him that she dumped him back in January, but the relationship ended a long time before she left.

And consider your side in this relationship. I hope you understand.

She’s not interested in considering his side.

He says,

You may be feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I love you when you decide to reach back out, I’ll make some plans for us to get together. And then she says, I think you deserve to be with someone that wants to put the same amount of effort as you, or more someone who is optimistic about being with you. I hope this time gives you clarity as well.

No baby, I already have all I want, which is you.

And he says:

I thought about it. It’ll be a good thing to do the Airbnb. We can do it for 15 nights, which would include three weekends in an area we are looking to buy.

She says:

I don’t think that’s enough time, and I’d rather not move most of my things for such a short time, which I feel will not give the feeling of moving in. Also, with your work you will be moving your things for two weeks and that sounds silly.

And then he says:

I’m sorry you feel that silly. While I’d love to do this for longer. This was not in my budget and the Airbnbs are pretty expensive. I still have to pay a mortgage here. Don’t forget that. I figured two weeks with three weekends would be nice sweet spot where you can feel what it’s like to live together again. Why do you think it will take you a month to figure that out?

She’s just being difficult and she’s not being honest. What she’s trying to do is not hurt your feelings, and she’s trying to tell you that she’s dumping you. She’s broke up with you. She doesn’t want to do the Airbnb. Even if you were willing to do it for a month. What she’s really saying is she wants to break up with you, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. And you’re kind of not getting the message. This relationship was over before she moved away in January. That’s just a fact of life.

It’s crazy to think that her attraction level at one point was over the moon for me. Wanting to have my kids and pushing me to marry her. If I would have told her not to take this career opportunity at that time she would’ve listened. And now to this. And I could see the attraction level dropping.

Yeah. Again, if you’ve been with somebody six years, you don’t send them to another state to live without you. You just don’t do that. And if she’s willing to go do that, and especially if she doesn’t want to come see you. I mean, if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s only going to be able to be away from you for a week or two. Like, you know, one of my family members, I love her to death. It’s like she goes and she takes care of her granddaughter, and she’ll fly up and, you know, like, she’ll go up there for a couple of weeks and then come back for a couple of weeks, then go back for a couple weeks.

And I’m like, why is like, why don’t you just stay up there for 3 or 4 weeks or a month and then come back? She’s like, oh, Corey, I can’t, I can’t stay away from my husband too long. She’s like, I need sex. Keep in mind, she’s much older. I love her to death, but it’s like she loves her husband. She loves her man.

They’ve been together, like, almost 40 years, I think, at this point. And it’s like even though they’re in their 70s, it’s like she can handle two weeks away from her, man, even though she’s got family and other commitments and other state, because she wants to be a good grandma and take care of her granddaughter.

She’s like, there’s no way she’s going to stay away from her man for two weeks, and he doesn’t want to. He’s okay with it either way. He kind of likes the time alone, but he also likes when she’s there, and they love each other. And it’s like this woman just did not want to be around you anymore. It was over before she took this job opportunity.

When we had the conversation after she returned from training camp in March in a hotel in South Florida she said that she didn’t feel loved by me.

Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. And so what she’s really saying is, I don’t feel I love you anymore, but she’s flipping it around and blaming it on you. And then because he hasn’t been through The Book, he doesn’t know any better. He starts doing all these things she claims she needs, which is giving her extra time, giving her extra attention. He gives her extra attention, and she’s still cold and distant because she wasn’t feeling it.

She felt I didn’t care for her while she was away.

Remember, she didn’t want to come see him at all. And on top of that, she wouldn’t let him come see her, so that’s ridiculous.

If she didn’t reach out to me, she would never hear from me even if that meant days. I assured her in the hotel room there that is not the case and I truly loved her and wasn’t aware of this. But now that I was aware and she finally told me I’d reach out more and make more effort to see her. The original phone contact was 80/20, 90/10 by her.

Which is the way it’s supposed to be. But again, she didn’t want you coming to see her. That’s the thing he’s ignoring, Because part of it is he’s trying to absolve himself from any responsibility. Like he didn’t do this. But the bottom line is this relationship ended before she took that job.

After I learned this I switched it up to 50/50 to try and show her I cared about her.

Yeah, when it’s 50/50, that all that does is elicit platonic feelings and you’re going to get friend zoned or dumped at that point. And hear something along the lines of, “my feelings have changed.” Or “something missing. There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark.” Again, if he’d have been going through The Book, these things would have been obvious. But he stopped going through it many years ago.

However, sometimes I noticed I’d text her and then wouldn’t get a response for hours. Like she didn’t appreciate the effort I was putting in. 

That’s called low interest. And again, this is detailed in The Book Matching and Mirroring. Again, when she left, she was breaking up with you.

I don’t understand Coach. I did everything to your book almost.

No you didn’t. You’re bullshitting yourself and you’re trying to bullshit me and say it’s not your fault, but all you have to do is look at her actions. She moved away. She didn’t want you coming to see her because she wanted to be on her own.

Had her attraction level at a 10 for pretty much 6 years.

No you didn’t. That’s just not true. Again, if she was in love with you, she could have stayed away for a week or two and been like, “I need to see you, I miss you. When are you going to come visit? I don’t want to wait two weeks.”

I noticed it decreasing. Tried in January when I noticed while she was away a training to see what was happening. She said nothing everything was fine, but I didn’t push after asking twice.

When a woman says, “it’s fine”, it’s not fine.

Maybe I should’ve pushed harder? 

Yeah, but I don’t think it would have mattered. Because by the time she left to go take this job, she was already seeing what life was like without you. She just wasn’t telling you because she wasn’t ready to blow it up or not. Because you’ve been together for so many years.

Maybe I should’ve agreed with her to the Airbnb for a month or longer and not negotiate the length of time with her?

It wouldn’t have mattered.

Maybe be open to moving to South Florida sooner?

Again, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to be with you.

Well the irony is before this space thing had happened, I had applied to her career and maybe having to move to Miami all along if I got the job. As my job now which I have been at for 9 months isn’t cutting it and the one I worked at before for 4 years in which I loved laid our department off. I forgot to ask Coach, does this No Contact really mean No Contact?

Yeah. She’s adamant. It’s like you tell me that you read The Book 10 to 15 times, and now she was adamant about, “leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to hear from you.” The reason why she says that is she’s looking at it from the perspective of, “If I don’t hear from him, am I going to miss him?” That’s the key. And she doesn’t miss you.

I know there are some instances where a woman says don’t contact me but if you do listen then they come back and say “See you listened! You really don’t care”. Also, this is genuinely the best relationship I have/had. I have never been in a relationship so deep where we both cared about each other so much and had such a great time. It was so easy going. Barely ever fought or argued. I know you say rejection breeds obsession, however, I do hope she comes back. What would you say the chances would be if you were a betting man? 

Bob

Well, the fact that she lived away for six months and never wanted you there, I would say probably there’s a 40% chance she’s going to come back. Normally I would say flip a coin, but it’s pretty clear if you look at her actions. This relationship ended sometime last year, even though she put a good act on before she left and was talking about marriage and kids and all that, she really didn’t mean it. Because again, look at her actions. If she really meant that. “Oh, I want to have your baby.”

And then she goes to Georgia within a week or two she’s like, “when are you going to come see me? I miss you.” But instead she’s like, “no, I’m busy.” You can’t ignore that and go, “oh yeah, she loves me. We’re fiancés and we’re supposed to get married.” It’s like, no, she moved away and she was on her own and she didn’t want you around. That’s the fact. Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. So again, as you go through 3% Man, several more times, you know, the light bulbs are going to go off and you’re going to start to realize where you were going wrong in your time together, and you just weren’t paying attention.

You went back to sleep. And probably that last year or so, you were together. You didn’t realize it, but she was not in love with you anymore, and you didn’t notice because you hadn’t been through The Book in six years. You don’t know what you don’t know. I mean, some of the things here that I’ve read in your email you say basic things that are like, how could you not know that? I mean, it’s in The Book, but again, you stopped reading it six years ago, so that is on you. It sucks what’s happened, but No Contact means No Contact. She broke up with you. Your relationship is over. You’re single. You’re a free agent.

She definitely sees herself as a free agent. And if I were you, I’d be applying what’s in The Book and start meeting and dating other women. Maybe somebody 10 or 15 years younger than you, because it doesn’t sound like this girl is going to come back. And the fact that she’s just not being honest and trying to blame everything on you, when in reality, if you just look at her actions, her actions are the actions of a woman that doesn’t love you, doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t want you around you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, especially when they’re adamant, “hey, no romantic encounters. I don’t want to hear from you. Don’t call me. No Contact.”

Because what she’s basically saying, “if my feelings return, I’ll reach out. And if they don’t, you’re probably never going to hear from me again.” I mean, she even said it in her text exchange. “This may be temporary and may be permanent no contact.” So she’s saying “you’re never going to hear from me again. But if my feelings return and I want another chance, I’ll reach out to you. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” That’s what she’s saying. And she really means that again. You just got to look at the fact when she moved away, she didn’t want to be with you. I know that’s harsh, and it’s not what you want to hear, but that is the reality.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.