She Wants Time Apart To Forget & Reprocess Things, But Hasn’t Dumped Me

What it means when your girl wants time apart to forget & reprocess things.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got lazy and complacent and neglected his girlfriend for several years. Now she wants time apart to forget how poorly he treated her and maybe they can try again in the future once he gets his act together. They still talk every other day, but he acts like a checked out zombie and still isn’t fixing himself or courting her properly.

He wonders what he can do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who you could tell he got lazy. He got away from what he learned in the book. He quit his job without having another one lined up. Then got on unemployment and then just got kind of got lazy and neglected himself, neglected his relationship. It looks like his girlfriend was really patient and really put up with a lot of BS for a couple of years. They were together three years total. Things were good for about the first two years, and then that’s when he decided his job was stressing him out. So he upped and quit, he didn’t have anything else lined up. On top of that, he would promise to do things. He’d promise he’s going to go over and see her, and he just would not follow through. So now after, she said she wanted space, that was like back at the end of November. Last time they saw each other was the beginning of December. He says, “Hey, we’re still in contact every other day,” but it looks like she’s reaching out and he’s not arranging any get-togethers, and it just looks like the dude is checked out, like he’s just a zombie. He’s not fixing himself, definitely not courting her properly. So he’s kind of in in limbo.

So this is kind of like an email where you just see it’s like learned helplessness. You got to participate in your own rescue. It’s like he’s waiting for somebody to come save him and fix him, but he’s got to do that himself. So it just shows you that, as a man, if you stop displaying signs of being competent as a man and you stop dating and courting a girl properly, you can tell, again, this woman seems like a saint because she just put up with it for years and eventually she had enough. It looks like one of the reasons why she wants space, she’s like, “Well, maybe we can try again in the future.” It’s like she’s giving him the opportunity to get his shit together, but he’s just not. He’s just kind of flailing around.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for quite a while now and have read 3% Man five times now and have watched many of your videos. My girlfriend of three years wants time apart so she can forget and reprocess things, but hasn’t broke up with me. Is the relationship salvageable?

Well, you got to participate in your own rescue. You can’t expect your girlfriend to fix you and to fix your relationship when you’re not even willing to do anything to help yourself. You get about six to 12 months to flail around. As I’ve discussed, it looked like you flailed around for six to eight months before your girlfriend was ready to potentially tap out. So you got to get back to being the guy you were that she fell in love with. That means you got to get a job. It means you got to take care of yourself. I think he did say he got a job, but doesn’t look like he’s exercising or taking care of himself, and she’s reaching out, but he’s not even arranging any get-togethers,

Or is it time to move on?

Well, if she’s still open to hanging out, having fun and hooking up, then you can turn things around, but if you just keep letting her reach out every couple of days and then you just stay on the phone like her emotional tampon or her therapist, you’ll make it really easy for her to move on and meet another guy. So if you don’t date and court your girl, eventually somebody else is going to come along and do it for you.

Is she putting me on the back-burner so she can shop around and find someone else?

Well again, if she’s reaching out every couple of days, she’s still pursuing. If a woman is pursuing you, she ain’t getting rid of you, but if she keeps reaching out and you do nothing but just talk to her and act like her therapist, well eventually she will meet somebody else and will move on.

Or does it sound like she genuinely just need some time to think about stuff?

Well, it looks like she’s giving you the space to turn your life around, but quite frankly, it looks like she’s kind of giving up on you because ultimately, it looks like you’ve given up on yourself. I mean, how is a woman supposed to trust you to bring home the bacon? Say you have a family with her. What’s she supposed to do, wait for you to grow up? Wait for you to get your life together? It’s like, when’s that going to happen, when you’re 90?

I’m 33, she’s 27. We both live in different cities about 45 minutes for each other, I also have a 10-year-old son that lives with me.

Now, think about the example you’re setting for your son. You lose your job and you just flail around, you’re lazy, and you do nothing. What do you think your son’s going to grow up to do? He’s going to model what you are displaying for him at home.

I’ll start from the beginning: Three years ago, I met my girlfriend on Facebook dating. At the time, I wasn’t really looking for a relationship and was focusing on work and my goals. Then she found me and reached out to me. We started talking on the dating app, had a lot in common, she gave me her number a couple days later, talked a little bit then set up our first date. We met and instantly meshed and had a lot more in common then I initially thought.

He puts a comma after every one of these sentences. It’s like a giant run-on sentence. I could just hear my middle school English teacher going, “It’s a run-on sentence!”

A week went by, talked to her again, set up the second date, had a great time had fun hung out and hooked up at her place. 

Fast forward nine weeks later, she wanted to be exclusive. Everything was great, she was head over heels for me, did so much for me and spoiled the crap out of me, always wanted my attention and my time and presence.

Well, when a woman’s in love, she wants your attention all the fucking time, constantly. Constantly to the point where it gets kind of annoying.

I was working a lot and it involved traveling, which was hard on her at times because during this time she was not working. I have a lot of hobbies and sometimes I would get lost in them trying to decompress from my stressful job at the time. 

So he was just checked out, not dating, not courting her properly. So initially, the time you guys are dating, she’s constantly trying to get your attention and your validation and you’re mostly checked out and kind of ignoring her. There’s a time limit on that.

Months past and I was indifferent choosing my hobbies over her sometimes, and not managing my time properly and finding balance with said hobbies. She would get me things and try to bribe me to stay. At the time, I didn’t see I was actually hurting her and making her not feel heard, special or that I really cared or loved her. This went on for quite a while. 

Two years into the relationship, thing’s started to get complicated. I quit my job of five years because the traveling became too much and lost my truck due to traveling to work, and the pay wasn’t worth everything that came with the job. Went on unemployment, became lazy, got complacent and stopped courting my girlfriend and doing the important things and focusing on my hobbies more than my relationship.

Yeah, it’s like you got a date and court your girl. Honestly, dude, it kind of looks like you’re just not that into her. If I look at your actions, if this girl was knocking your socks off, you’d be loving to spend time with her. Instead, it’s like you only want to get together when you want to bump uglies and get a release. Other than that, you just totally neglect her. That’s what it looks like. I don’t see any kind of passion because again, when we get to the end of the email, you see he’s just not doing anything. So it looks like he’s just not even into this girl.

During this time, she was starting a new career in corrections to become a correctional officer. She completed her training and got the job, and after that our time was very limited to spend with each because of how far we live from each other and her crazy new schedule at work.

Well again, you made it work the first couple of years, but again, it looks like you just really weren’t making much of an effort. It was mostly her being into you. She was definitely more into you than you were into her, which is why she stuck around, because you were acting like a man. It’s very easy to behave this way with somebody you’re not that into versus somebody that knocks your socks off. The whole idea of the title of the book is “Winning The Heart Of The Woman Of Your Dreams,” not how to get somebody that’s mediocre and you’re not really that into.

She was tired all the time, became moody, and was forced to be more in her masculine because of the job, and me not making her feel safe and secure as a leader in the relationship and provider. Her attraction started to drop and we stopped being intimate as much. There was no time to go out on dates because of her schedule, and she didn’t feel like going out ever after working all week dealing with inmates.

It’s a stressful job.

She expressed to me that thing’s needed to change many times and warned me, but I didn’t believe her and thought she was just stressed and being emotional.

Man, I’ve heard that thousands of times over the last 20 years. “I didn’t think she was serious. I just thought she was being emotional.” You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

November 18, 2025: I was supposed to go over to her place to hangout and spend some time with her, but I ended not going because I felt she didn’t really want me over or ever really cared.

Yeah, it sounds like Elvis had kind of left the building. It’s like she was starting to realize you just weren’t that into her.

Well, she didn’t take it too well.

Because again, you told her you were going to go hang out with her, and then you just didn’t show up. Just like you’ve done in the past when you decided to do your hobbies instead of spending time with your girl. You just can’t do that, man. No relationship is going to survive if that’s your effort. It’s not going to work.

She sent me a message and told me it’s hard to talk to me because she feels like I get distracted and I don’t understand, told me before it’s too late, that I messed up, and that I wanted my time to myself and for her to fill in the blanks while she fell apart chasing me. She wanted to be loved, to be wanted, desired, to feel like I truly wanted her as a partner, wife, and future…

Well again, if I bottom line your actions, you’re just not into this girl. That’s what it really looks like.

…And that she respects that I have apologized for everything I have put her through and am willing to change…

Yes, it’s nice that you say you’re willing to change, but you’re not making any effort to change.

…And that it’s rare for most men to realize and apologize and take accountability for their actions, but she doesn’t know how to undo what has been done. 80% of our relationship has been pain for her. I broke her heart, her trust, and have scarred her in more ways than one, and that it’s hard for her to see me in the way she once did. She doesn’t feel safe or vulnerable around me anymore. She’s stuck being a hard-ass because she’s so sick of being hurt by me. She told me all I have done is used her to fill in time and handle the hard work. She feels like my mother or a friend not an equal half to the relationship. She always has showed up for me, but I was selective for showing up for her, and that I have proved many times that I don’t love her, and that she has begged for me to show up and be present in the relationship to help with the mental load of building something together…

It’s like yeah dude, this has been going on for a long time. You’re clearly not that into her. Honestly, if you’re a real man and your balls have dropped, you should just let her go.

…And that I left her to deal with all the life stuff alone. She than proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t hate me and that she always has cared, and that she’s just tried of things being this way, and that’s why she thought of having some time away from each other, and to maybe try again in the future, to give me some time to figure stuff out on my own, and give her a break, and that she hasn’t given up or she would have left a long time ago. But doesn’t know what to do, and still cares, and will help me out when I need it, but thinks we need some time apart for a bit, and that she needs time to forget, and reprocess stuff. 

Right now it’s January 5th, 2026. We’ve seen each other once since that message of her expressing how she feels. That was December 9th, 2025. I went over to her place and stayed for a couple nights. We have keep in contact. She calls me every other day or every two days to check in, and is still willing to see me.

Well, as the book says, if she’s reaching out, what does that mean? She wants to see you. Make a date, hang out, have fun, and hook up.

I haven’t been pushy, needy, or been pursuing her or making any effort to contact her. I’m letting her come to me at her own pace, and giving her space.

Well again, when a woman says she wants space and you give it to her, then she reaches out. When she reaches out and breaks no-contact, that means she had enough space. That means she probably wants to see you and you should be making dates. So for the better part of the last month-and-a-half, she’s reaching out every other day. Every couple of days, you talk to her like a therapist or the gay male girlfriend, and then you do nothing.

So again, I look at that, it’s just you’re either acting like a zombie or you really just don’t care because from what she said, that’s the way you’ve made her feel. If I bottom line your actions, if I was talking to her and she was the one who wrote this email, I’d be telling her to move on because this dude’s checked out. He’s not really doing anything to help himself or save their relationship. It’s like he just doesn’t give a shit.

I’ve been doing this the whole relationship. The only time I didn’t do it was in the start to gain her interest, then let the magic happen on its own and let her come to me. Out of the whole three years, we haven’t had any serious fights. We always talk to each other very calmly about our feelings and concerns. She’s an really amazing, smart, beautiful woman, she’s kind and giving, doesn’t have a bunch of male orbiters, doesn’t go out and party, doesn’t drink or do drugs, accepts, treats, and loves my son, doesn’t seek attention from other men, and is super faithful. She does have some abandonment issues because of how her mother treated her while she was growing up, and has been betrayed and cheated on in her past relationships, and has some trust issues, but she’s worth keeping around…

Notice you don’t hear him going, “I really love this woman. This is the greatest girl I’ve ever dated.” He’s like, “Well, I got nothing else going on. I might as well keep this steady piece of ass. Well, my girlfriend’s a butter face. Everything’s nice but her face.” Even though he says she’s beautiful, his tone is just bland. Just sounds like you’re not that into her, dude.

If you’re not that into her, the manly and masculine thing to do is to wish her well and encourage her to go find somebody who really does care for her, because if I look at your actions, again, if I was talking to her, I’d tell her to dump your ass.

…And I really don’t want to lose her. Do you think the relationship is salvageable? Or should I move on? Would love to know your thoughts, Coach.

Well, like I said, from your actions, it looks like you don’t care. The fact she’s continually reaching out and you’re not making dates, that doesn’t make any sense. So if she’s reaching out, you try to make a date and she says she just wants to talk and she wants space, say, “Well, great. Take all the space you need and then call me when you want to see me.”

Thanks again for all that you do. Your work has definitely helped me realize a lot of things I have done wrong in the past and in this relationship, and I’m going to keep reading the book until I have retained everything to become a 3% Man!

Bob

Well again, what should be happening is if you really, truly do want to get her back and you do want to see her, is that when she reaches out, you should be making dates. If she won’t make a date, just wants to talk, then just say, “Well, you’re the one that said you wanted space, so take your space. Then when you’ve had enough, reach out and let’s get together. If you don’t want to get together, then I’m going to move on and start dating other women,” because from what it looks like here, she reaches out and he’s like, “Oh well, I’m giving her space.” You have to understand, you been following me for several years. You give her space, you don’t hear from her for a few days and she reaches out, she got enough space. So just make the next date. This is a very simple thing to fix, but the fact that you’re doing nothing either tells me you don’t know what to do because you haven’t been a good student of my work, or you just really don’t want to see her because you don’t give a shit. As you said, “Well, she’s worth keeping around, Coach. Doesn’t really make my dick hard, but she’s kind of nice.” That’s what it sounds like.

Again, if you’re not that into her, let the girl go and wish her well so she can find a man that really is excited to be with her and have her, because you clearly don’t seem to give a fuck about her, or even yourself for that matter. So dude, you need to pull your head out of your butt. Get into the book. I would also encourage you to read Mastering Yourself, because the way you’re showing up about life is not healthy. Got to get your shit together, man. Again, if you don’t care, let the woman go. If you do, just invite her over when she reaches out. If she just wants to talk on the phone, tell her you want to see her in person. You don’t want to have a phone-ship. If she doesn’t want to see you in person, then maybe it’s best that you both go your separate ways and you can go find somebody you really want to be with, because if a woman’s lighting you up on the inside, you’re going to want to see her. If she doesn’t light you up on the inside, you’re not going to give a damn. Quite frankly, it looks like you just don’t give a damn because you’re not that into her, but you’d rather hold on to her because, as you said, she’s worth keeping around. Come on, man!

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