What you should do if a woman you have been dating and sleeping with suddenly says she wants to be celibate and take sex off the table.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following me for the past two years. He met a girl two months ago who has an incredible body and is into physical fitness and self-improvement like he is. After about a month of dating and having great sex, she has started telling him that she wants to be celibate and refrain from having sex.
He still was able to successfully seduce her after she said this, but she is really trying hard to get him to agree to continue dating, but not have sex after two months of dating and hooking up. He said ‘no thanks’ and walked away, but she says she still wants to keep calling and talking to him. He asks my opinion on what he should do, because he is not interested in being celibate and having a platonic relationship. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve been following you now for 2 years. I met a girl 2 months ago after the club. Her body is out of this world, and she’s into the gym and self-improvement, just like me. I crashed at her place, and a few days afterwards, I came back over and spent the night with indoor Olympics, of course. Before we had sex, she said she was trying to be celibate due to something forceful, a pseudo rape – probably some guy with no sensory acuity.
(She had something traumatic happen, and maybe she needs therapy and counseling. Maybe she’s not really the kind of person you should be considering as a potential girlfriend. Maybe she’s got some healing she needs to do on her own first.
It’s important to not hear something like that and then say “I’m going to save her and help her get over this cruel, awful man she encountered.” The bottom line is, it’s not your fault she’s in this position. It doesn’t mean you can’t be loving and supportive of her. The whole purpose of relationships is you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more, and you’re there to meet each others needs.
Right at the beginning she’s saying, “I’m going to put some rules on this relationship because of something that happened in the past.” So in other words, both of you are going to suffer because of what happened in a previous interaction with some other guy. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to her.
You just met each other, and the slate is totally clean between the two of you, but what’s happening is, she’s bringing baggage from the past and saying the past equals the future. That’s when you’ve got to say, I’m not down with that celibate thing.
If it’s a really important thing to her, but it’s just not how you roll, it’s best to say, “I’m probably not the right guy for you, because that’s not what I’m looking for. Life’s too short. I can’t put my personal life on hold for somebody.”)
This was prior to me seducing her, and for the next month or so we hung out at her place, drank wine, cuddled, smoked herb, and had a good bit of great sex.
I didn’t pursue and let her text me mostly. A couple weeks ago, she said she wanted to be celibate. She said it wouldn’t be for long, just a month or less. Prior to her telling me this, she said she doesn’t have sex with more than one person at a time,
(Yeah, you hooked up with her right away, but now she wants to slow things down. Some women use sex to control the man. That’s fine if she has that value, but when you share different values, there’s no point in dating because somebody’s going to have to compromise and sacrifice what they really want),
and her best friend, they’re both Nigerian and apparently aren’t as “fast” as us, whom I met recently is celibate and hasn’t had sex, supposedly, with her boyfriend of 3 months.
(She’s trying to live her life according to her girlfriend’s expectations. Never agree when somebody tries to unilaterally change the terms of your relationship. You want somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open. This is like women who turn and give you the cheek, not because they don’t want to kiss you, but because they’re structured and following rules. To me, this is a red flag of a structured woman who is potentially going to use rules, routines and rituals to control the man in her life. Buyer beware.)
Anyway, after refreshing up on some of your videos about “walking away” and standing up for what you want, I texted her and told her I only wanted romance and intimacy and didn’t like the structure she was now trying to impose on our “relationship.”
(Good job dude, but you’ve got to be congruent with that. If you know what you want, if it’s your truth, you have to speak that and be willing to walk away from people who say “I’m not going to give you what you want.”)
I wound up telling her I wanted to talk to her in person about it, so I came over one morning, told her what I wanted, and seduced her. I left and told her to call ME later. She texted me 2 days later saying, “No text or call?” I told her I was busy testing for school. I graduate college in a few months.
I jokingly asked if she missed me, and she said, “I do but I’m a bit upset with you.” I said “Why?” She claimed she was upset because I seduced her, and now she had to “start over” with her sex fast.
(I would have used that as an opportunity. I would have said, “I’m really glad you called and texted me. Let’s get together. When are you available?” Remember, the phone is for setting dates.)
I called her and reiterated that I think she’s great, but I want unrestricted romance.
(Remember, you said you weren’t down with that, she submitted, and you had your intimacy. Then a few days later, she tried to reimpose the structure, trying a different approach, but it’s still the same thing. She’s trying to sell you on why you should be celibate, and you’re trying to sell her on why you’re not interested in that, so she’s going to be relentless with it.
You need to say, “I don’t want to hear about it anymore. If celibacy is so important to you, then you shouldn’t keep sleeping with me. You should go find somebody that’s cool with being celibate. As long as you’re calling me and we’re hanging out and hooking up, then the reality is you’re not interested in celibacy. But as soon as you start that, I’m gone. It’s not what I’m looking for. It’s not what I signed up for when we met.”)
She said she really still wants to date me, but just without sex.
(This is the middle of a negotiation.)
I told her to call me after her “fast” is up, and alluded that we would go our separate ways for the time being. She said “Well, I’ll still text you good morning and stuff,”
(And why would she do that? Because it’s another way she’s going to try to get you to go along with her agenda. But you can’t do it. You told her you weren’t interested in being celibate, so you always have to be congruent with that. The longer you’re with a woman, the more they come up with clever ways to get you to do what they want),
at which point I told her to refrain from that and just hit me up when she’s willing and able.
(That’s the right response dude.)
It’s been a week, and I really want to text her, but I’m not.
(Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Now it’s like a game of chicken. If she’s really committed to being celibate, then you’re not going to hear from her. If she’s not, you will. And when you do hear from her, just make the next date. Assume she wants to see you, invite her over, hang out, have fun and hook up. Let this girl reach out to you. You’re at the point now where she should pretty much be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing anyway.)
Staying busy studying and working out. Any advice, Coach?
(You handled yourself pretty well, but you’ve got a woman who’s had some shit happen in her past that’s obviously interfering in her ability to act normal and healthy in a potential relationship with you, so that right there is a red flag. And on top of that, she’s trying to get you to agree to being celibate and having something platonic, because her girlfriend is going to be looking for validation.
If her girlfriend can convince her to be just like her, then her girlfriend’s going to feel good about punishing her boyfriend, making him be celibate and have blue balls. You’ve just got to be strong enough to say, “I’m not participating in that. If you want to be celibate, go find a guy that’s cool with that, because I’m not interested in it.” Stick to your guns dude.
You’ve got options. You found her, and you can find somebody else. That’s the way you should look at it, with an abundance mentality. She’s got to earn a chance with you, not the other way around. You might have to cut her loose eventually.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When someone you are dating tries to unilaterally change the terms of your romantic relationship into a platonic and non-sexual one, you should never agree to this if it’s not what you want. Why? Often this is in response to another man or ex in the background she wants to date and explore things with, while keeping you as a backup plan, or a subtle under the radar way to friend-zone you if you have done things that made you appear weak, unattractive and turned her off. Alphas always focus on their outcomes, while betas put their needs, wants and desires last in hopes that being nice will eventually get them what they want. Never sacrifice your needs, wants and desires in hopes that it will please others. Why? It’s not authentic or honest and will cause the other person to value and respect you less. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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