She Wants To Be Exclusive. I Want An Open Relationship

Some things to consider if she wants to be exclusive but you want an open relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30-year-old viewer who’s been following my work for six years and has read 3% Man 15 times. His 23-year-old girlfriend of two years has always wanted to be exclusive, but he only wanted an open relationship. They have a baby daughter together. A few months ago he left the country for a job opportunity. They got into an argument about a month ago and she blocked him everywhere. They haven’t spoken since.

She appears to have chosen to be single over their open relationship. He worries if he got married he’d later regret it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who is 30 years old. He’s been following my work for six years, says he’s read 3% Man 15 times so far and he’s had a 23-year-old girlfriend for about two years, and he was introduced to her through his aunt, so I guess she was a an acquaintance or whatever of his aunt. She always wanted to be exclusive from the time they started dating, but he’s like, “I’m down for an open relationship, but I don’t want to be exclusive. I’m not looking to get married.” She stuck along, stuck around and said, “Well, I’m not going to sleep with anybody else, but you basically do what you want.” At some point in the last two years, they had a baby daughter together. Then a few months ago, he left the country to go work abroad, I guess he took a job or something. So they got into an argument over the phone because again, she’s pressuring him for marriage. He’s like, “I don’t want to get married. I told you this from the beginning.” She got mad, they had an argument, kind of yelled at each other and she blocked him on everything, took their child and went to go stay at her mom’s. Now, it’s been over a month and he hasn’t heard a peep out of her. He’s blocked everywhere, he can’t even contact her and he’s like, “Is there any chance of salvaging this or working it out?” He’s also said, “Well, if I get married, I’m afraid I’m going to later regret it.”

I talk about this a lot. Your goals and your values have to be aligned. It’s pretty clear if this guy wanted an open relationship, he liked this girl, but he didn’t like her enough to want to be exclusive or want to be in a monogamous relationship with her. He was pretty clear about it, but that’s how most women are going to operate. They want a nest, they want you all to themselves. Especially in this case, they already got a family at this point, and it doesn’t really sound like he was really that involved in the child’s life and the fact that he took a job at another country, so he’s basically long distance. I mean, what woman wants to sit at home and raise a child for a man who’s basically a sperm donor and a money mule? Which that’s basically what he’s doing.

At some point, most women are going to dip in something like this, especially when you’re not even in the same country, because now you’re in a different country, she doesn’t know what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with and this girl, she’s young, he’s 30, she’s 23. She eventually reached her breaking point and now he’s blocked everywhere.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach, how are you? 

My name is Bob, I am 30 years old and have been following your work for about six years now. I have read the book 15 times and have been watching your videos since. 

So for you guys that are watching this and you haven’t read the book, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. Then as soon as you put your information in and hit submit, the book will open up in your web browser. You can also read Mastering Yourself totally for free. You can try before you buy, that way you can apply the book and you can see that the things that are in there work to attract and keep the kind of woman that you want. Once you see that it it works, then you can go and buy an audio-book or a paperback or whatever.

Also on my website, there are links at the top of each book listing that if you do a free trial to Audible.com using the links that are on my website, you can actually get my book for free if it’s the first one that you get as part of your free trial, whether you stay with it or not. So those links are all on the website. Everything in these videos is based upon the assumption that you’ve read the book, so if you’re new, you’re not going to be able to just cherry pick stuff that’s in videos and be able to sustain your success. You’ll get some attainable success, but if you don’t take the time to really read the book and learn how attraction works, you’re going to struggle to attract and keep your relationship.

Now, this particular guy here, what it looks like is he was just kind of casually dating this girl he wasn’t even that into, and he wanted to keep his options open. He was very clear up front what he wanted, but she is constantly trying to get him to change his mind. Then at some point, they had a child. He doesn’t say whether or not the kid was planned or not. He’s a dad now. Whether he realizes it or not, maybe he’s doing the Elon Musk thing or the Nick Cannon thing where you have six, eight, 10 different baby mamas. It’s like, “Hey, more power to you.” What kids need though, is they need a mom and a dad. A strong masculine and a strong feminine presence, ideally both parents in the home, because what your kids need is to see mom and dad really loving one another and having a good relationship. If you’re dating somebody, like this guy has for two years, constantly saying you want an open relationship, your girlfriend is constantly trying to get you to commit to be only with her, it’s pretty clear your goals and values do not align. I don’t know, like maybe he slipped one past the goalie, or maybe she purposely didn’t take her birth control and got knocked up on purpose. Women do these things.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years now, we met through my aunt who knew her, by the way she is 23 now. We had dates had fun and dug each other. I would say she is 10/10 for me and I really love her.

In other words, she sees him as a 10 out of 10 on the attraction scale from the book.

Our sex life has been good. There was even this time where she cried from happiness after we did not have sex for about two weeks, that was just too good. 

So if you’re in a long term relationship and you don’t have sex for two weeks, assuming that you’re both living in the same house and you’re close to one another, that tells me that the dude is just not that into it. That’s just a fact of life you can’t ignore. It’s also not fair. ut it looks like what he’s always said is that he wants an open relationship, but she was determined to try to get him to commit to her.

I was not a fond of settling down, being a boyfriend/girlfriend or even getting married, but she wanted us to get married. I told her that we can have an open relationship, which she agreed to, but said that she didn’t want to see other people on her hand. She has been trying to convince me for those two years to be exclusive, but I was refusing. 

So you’ve been pretty clear. If that’s what you really want, you got to stick to it. It’s obvious she wants an exclusive monogamous relationship, and she’s young. Probably a woman in her 30s is not going to put up with something like that. A girl in her early 20s is just naive, doesn’t have a lot of life experience, so she’s probably going to be thinking that she can change him. As you’ll see, it gets to a certain point where she kind of realizes that things are not changing.

Anyways, we were very fond of each other and I can say that I 100% love her. We even have a daughter now, so I have been thinking of going exclusive. 

Few months ago, I left the country for a work opportunity abroad and she went to stay with her mother. After that, she started to change and convincing me more to get married and get exclusive, even though I was thinking of that, but I refused. She called me this time, which was the last call we had, by the way. She starting arguing during the call which was a first. She showed a face that I have never seen of her. Was her mother telling her things? Is someone influencing her? I don’t know.

More than likely, because at the end of the day, if you’re a mother and this is your daughter and she has a child with this man who is in another country, doesn’t look like he’s even coming back if she’s living with her mom, that tells me it’s almost like he moved away. So she’s probably thinking, “I want my daughter to be happy. I want her to be with a man that loves her and wants to be with her. Not some dude that left the country.”

I made two mistakes during that call:

1. I hung up on her and said call me later when she started arguing, which I shouldn’t have.

Well, if she’s being rude and belligerent and you’ve asked her to be nice and to talk to you in a kind, loving manner and she just refuses, you say, “Look, I’m going to go. Call me when you calm down and you’re ready to have an adult conversation. We can’t work anything out when you’re yelling or you’re acting this way.”

2. I started arguing when she called me back.

Well, that’s not helpful either.

However, she told me to, “Go and marry those other bitches,” and then hung up on me and blocked me every where and I couldn’t reach her again. That was about a month and a half ago.

Today I used my friend’s Facebook and saw that she has removed the relationship status and wrote, “I am not subservient to be better near them. I am dear. My presence is not to be looked down on. I chose myself and my soul is dear. I do not live life without a choice,” on her bio.

So it’s basically, “I’m taking my power back.”

That above is a translation since we do not speak English, but the point is that, “I do not need you.”

“I don’t need you. I’m moving on with my life. I’m putting you in my rear view mirror,” and she’s going to be a single mom.

I love her and I want to stay with her, but if I call her now and agree to her terms I am afraid I will regret this. 

Well, you shouldn’t commit to something you don’t really want to commit to. If we look at how you were behaving before all this happened, I mean, you left the country. If you left the country for a job opportunity, why wouldn’t you take your girl with you? Because you wanted an open relationship. It’s almost like you wanted her to be your arm’s length, friends with benefits, baby mama, but you didn’t really want to be too involved with her or even your child it sounds like. So if I look at your actions, that tells me you don’t want to be with her and you don’t really care too much about being a dad. I mean, you took a job opportunity in another country, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve even been back.

What do you think the best course of action for me would be? Can this be saved?

Thanks,

Bob

Well, your goals and values have to be aligned in order for it to work. She wants exclusivity, monogamy, family, and you don’t want to be with her. That’s the bottom line. Or your daughter, for that matter. You wanted to keep the status quo. She gave it two years. Maybe it’s her mother. Maybe it’s people around her. I mean, probably that’s why they were able to influence her, but this is not something that just came up because she’s been trying to lock you down since you guys first met. So you, in essence, kind of ran out of time. It’s like you’re free relationship trial expired, and you either got to pay the piper or she’s going to give a free trial to somebody else. That’s basically where you’re at.

If you don’t feel you want to be with her, you want to be married, you want to be a family, you want to live under the same roof, raise kids together, have her be your exclusive baby mama, then you shouldn’t. You should do what feels right for you. If that means roaming the world, being a Chad Thundercock, it’s whatever, but it doesn’t serve her or you for you to go back and maintain a facade to put on a mask and pretend like you want to be there when you don’t really want to be there. That’s the right thing to do.

If I just take a step back and look at your actions, you’ve already made your decision. You left the country and instead of taking her and your child with you, you just left them behind. So any normal person looking at this would be recognizing that you left, you left the country, you left her and your daughter behind, she went to stay with family, she came to her senses and realized that you’re never going to change, that you really have been congruent with what you’ve always told her, which is you didn’t want to be exclusive and you wanted to date and sleep with other women. Even though you say, “Oh, I was moving that direction,” now you’re forced to shit or get off the pot. The bottom line is, you’re not trying to get back together with her. You’re not saying, “Come stay with me. Come live with me. Let’s be a family. We’ll get married.” None of that is happening. The last thing you want to do is settle down, so you shouldn’t settle down, because then you’d just be living a lie. Then if you’re around her all the time, you don’t really want to be there, then what are you going to do, cheat on her? That’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your daughter. Your daughter needs to see mom and dad happy and in love with people that they actually want to be with, and you just, quite frankly, don’t want to be with her. I mean, you’ve been clear since day one, and that tells me you like this girl a lot, but maybe she wasn’t really knocking your socks off. She wasn’t really your ideal.

Again, if this was a love of your life, something you couldn’t live without, you wouldn’t have taken a job in another country and left her behind. You would have taken her with you. Instead, you left her behind, she went to stay with family and then she recognized it. If you look at it from her perspective, you abandoned both of them because you didn’t want to be there, so enough said. I mean, obviously at some point you’re going to have to talk to her so you can have some kind of interaction with your daughter unless you don’t really care. Maybe you don’t really care to be involved with your daughter. That’s not going to be good for your child when she grows up, because then she’s going to look at it as like, “Daddy doesn’t love me. Why doesn’t daddy love me? Why doesn’t daddy care about me?” Now, maybe your girlfriend finds a guy that’ll adopt your daughter and raise her as his own and love her as his own, and she’ll call him daddy, but you’re not even around, and it doesn’t seem like you care.

If I bottom line your actions, it’s like you voted with your feet, man. You took off, you left the country, so let her move on. Let her meet somebody else that really wants to be with her and maybe a good dude will come along that won’t care that the daughter is not his, and he’ll be happy to raise her as his own and have some more kids with your now ex-girlfriend, because if you go back, at this point you’re going to have to be going back and staying with her, being in a relationship, being exclusive and eventually maybe get married or not involve the state and get married. I don’t know what country he lives in, but you’d have to talk to legal counsel in your country and your state, your city, see what the laws are. I know in the States, you involve the state in your relationship, it’s really difficult to get out of if you make a mistake or you just don’t want to be with each other anymore. The laws are pretty slanted against the guys, so there’s that.

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