She Wants To Work On Herself?

What it means and what you should do when a woman you’re dating wants to work on herself instead of dating.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman from his gym who sought his romantic attention. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years when they started dating. Things were good for about a month. The ex-boyfriend was still contacting her, obviously, wanting her back.

Then she canceled a date at the last minute and told him she needed to work on herself and not date or sleep with anyone. He asks what he did wrong and what he should do going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is another good email of what can happen, and it also brings up a good point, what do you do when you meet somebody? Because this is the way life works. You just never know. Like in this case, you see her in the gym, she’s got a boyfriend, but she wasn’t happy. Then next time you run into her, she reaches out to you, lets you know that now she’s single. And then you start seeing her, but because it’s so fresh, she’s all over you one minute and the next minute she’s like, “I need to work on myself.”

These things are just going to happen. This is why it’s so super important, and I talk about it in 3% Man, when you get involved with women going through a divorce or just had a breakup, they’re usually going to be hot and cold. One moment they’re all over you, and the next minute they need space. Plus, there is usually the ex-boyfriend, or the ex-husband-to-be is in the background, and they’re not liking the fact that the relationship is over. The reality is, 75% of the time, women are the ones doing the breaking up. And rejection tends to breed obsession.

And the other thing you have to keep in mind is that when a woman has been with somebody, like in this case, she was with this dude for four years, she’s going to be more emotionally bonded and connected to him. And so, from that perspective, this guy that wrote the email, he’s in a weak position of leverage. Because even though he’d been intimate with her, it wasn’t enough time. The other guy had four years, plus she lived with the guy.

So, we’re going to go through his email and see what we can see and learn from it and, obviously, what he should do if, and probably when, she comes back. It’s super important, because remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” You can’t try to lock a woman like this down to a commitment. She’s going to bounce on you.

You have to let her come to you at her pace. And since her emotions are raw, and the potential of of the ex-boyfriend having that pull on her, before you even get into it, (again, this is in the book), you’ve got to assume that that’s probably a good chance. And so, as long as you keep no boundaries there, because you understand the situation, I mean, at the end of the day, if you’re the man and you’re the prize, you’re not trying to lock anybody down anyway. You’re a free agent. “May the best woman win” should be your attitude.

One of my favorite movies with that right kind of vibe is “It’s A Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed, back from 1946. His character does a great job of showing how everybody in town loves him. He’s like the Alpha. He’s like the famous guy in their little town. Everybody loves him. All the women love him, the mothers of their daughters love him. He’s just perfect gentleman, he’s a great guy. He has high character, high integrity. He’s got big goals, he’s got big dreams. He’s going to move on out of the city as soon as his brother comes back from college and see the world. He’s not interested in settling down, or baby carriages, or fixing up that old crummy house at the end of the street that Donna Reed’s character had always loved since she was a little girl. But he can’t help but be enchanted by her.

And so, the whole movie is the courtship. And what’s beautiful about it is that she’s trying to get his attention, because she knows what she wants. She wants to nest, she wants babies, she wants family. He’s like, “I don’t want any part of that.” And so, if you have that same kind of a vibe, you’re not going to be butt hurt, you’re not going to be upset. I mean, if you love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. And anybody that’s read 3% Man knows that if it didn’t work, I don’t know how many times that the previous relationship didn’t work out, but she’ll probably be back.

At the end of the day, what do you care? You shouldn’t be trying to lock anybody down anyway. They should be trying to lock you down, because that is feminine energy, after all. Because I see a lot of times in the comments, especially the red pill guys get really butt hurt about this, “Oh, you’re her second choice.” It’s like, hey, she just ended a four-year relationship. And besides, the 3% man’s not trying to lock anybody down. He just wants to hang out, he wants to have fun and he wants to hook up. And if a girl makes it so awesome for him, then maybe she can convince him to settle down and be exclusive, just like Donna Reed’s character did in “It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart’s character.

That’s natural sexual polarity, that’s how it works. The old movies showed it correctly. The new movies today, the archetypes are completely reversed. The guy acts like a stalker in the movies today, and then the woman falls head over heels in love. And if you do that in real life, you get a restraining order, you get friendzoned constantly. So, we work in ways that are natural to men and women, because attraction is not a choice, it’s handled.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach Wayne,

Thanks for all your videos and books. They have help me tremendously for the past year. I started dating this girl from the gym who sought me out. I have been knowing her a couple of months and knew she was in a 4-year relationship but could tell she was not happy with it, so whenever I see her in the gym, I would talk with her and flirt but nothing else.

That’s perfect, because what is love? Love is allowing, allowing the person to come and go, and it’s also giving. In this case, he likes the girl, but she’s taken. He doesn’t feel threatened by another man. He sees a beautiful creature in his midst, he acknowledges her beauty, talks to her, flirts with her, but she’s off limits because she’s taken. He’s not trying to rip off any dude’s girl. He doesn’t have to. All he has to do is extend his invitation, create the conditions where she would love to come into his world and dance and prance around. To stay or to go, either way, she’s a blessing. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

Last month, she told me she had ended it with her ex and moved out. I took a little break from the gym, and she requested me on Facebook and Instagram, started asking one of my good friends about me, and then messaged me on Facebook asking why she has not seen me in the gym.

This is why you behave this way. This is natural. Again, to borrow from the movie, this is what Jimmy Stewart’s character is doing when you see their scenes in there, when he gets together with Donna Reed. Like the night that his father has the heart attack, there’s chemistry, something’s about to happen, and then life interrupts, “Hey, your dad had a heart attack. We’ve got to go see about him.” And then, boom, they don’t see each other for several years until she comes back from college.

They get around one another, and he’s just he’s just magnetically drawn. But whenever he sees her, he’s happy to see her, he acknowledges her. She makes him smile, he makes her smile. There’s chemistry, there’s connection, but he’s like that with everybody. Everybody loves his character. “George Bailey” is his character. And this is the vibe the guy is giving off. This is perfect. This is natural masculinity. This is the way it works in the real world.

We started messaging a good bit, and I know better from your books to not just message and set definite dates.

Yeah, masculine energy is direct, decisive, and it gets to the point. Because he knows, if she’s reaching out and hunting him down, she’s tracking him down. Donna Reed’s character and the mothers in the neighborhood, they all do the same thing, trying to arrange her and George Bailey to get together, so sparks can happen that are already naturally there.

And so, as a 3% man, he recognizes that that’s what she’s doing. She’s putting herself in his orbit in hopes that he knows what to do. Because he’s already given off the vibe that he knows how to interact with women, so she wants a little bit more of that, because it makes her feel safe and comfortable.

So, that is what I did and set a definite date for a Friday night. We went back to my place that night and didn’t do the indoor Olympics but other things.

So, they fooled around a little bit. Remember, as I say in the book, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date, provided they’re following the process in “3% Man.”

It was not until the 3rd date for the indoor Olympics.

Imagine that.

For the past month, we have been dating and I have not been messaging her constantly but setting definite dates and having great sex.

He’s allowing her to come to him. She’s setting the pace. Remember, if you’re a perpetual free agent and you love your time alone, you love being alone. It’d be nice to have somebody that you were exclusive with, if that’s what you’re looking for, but by the same token, you’re not trying to make that happen. As it says in “3% Man,” your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Nothing in there about relationships or locking anybody down. She could stay, she can go, it doesn’t matter. It’s not the man’s responsibility to lock a woman down. When she’s ready to be locked down, she’ll let you know.

I know her ex is still contacting her, she has told me, so I have been playing it cool, not being needy and just going with the flow. She brought up what we were doing, and of course I responded with, “What do you mean?”

It’s the best question. Never make assumptions because, again, if you’re not trying to lock anybody down as a man, you like being a free agent, and she says, “What are we?” she’s talking about a relationship. That’s bonding, that’s connecting, that’s opening up to receive love, that’s feminine energy. So, instead of making assumptions, just say, “What do you mean?”

She asked if I have been dating anyone, and I said no because I am busy with my regular job and personal training on the side. I said, “I know you just got out a 4-year relationship, so I didn’t want to rush anything and just have fun and see what happens.”

That’s a total non-attached vibe. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

She has also had 2 divorces in her past, which she brought up since you say don’t get into it with a girl’s past relationships.

That conversation never ends well. I mean, at the end of the day, if she’s slept with half the city, you’ll find that out. But if she’s a good girl, you’ll find that out, too. These things, she’ll just volunteer them over time.

I thought things were going well, so I messaged her this past weekend since I didn’t hear from her to see if she wanted to hangout this weekend.

So, here’s the thing, about a month into it, she didn’t reach out when he expected. Now, as I say in the book, if you don’t hear from her for a full week, then I would reach out. Maybe she’s upset, maybe you pissed her off. But in this case, it may be the way things are progressing with the ex, you don’t really know. But I would suspect he didn’t hear from her for a few days, he got a little worried, and so he reached out when he probably shouldn’t have.

It’s subtle, but at the end of the day, he’s in the weakest position of leverage. Because, again, the other guy had four years, and he’s got a month. So, either way, when push comes to shove, you’re going to lose that negotiation. You just simply don’t have the leverage. That’s why you just can’t push. Because, remember, women are like cats. Sometimes when the ex is chirping in her ear and you’re there, and she’s like, “Ahh, what do I do?” the worst thing you can do is to reach out. Just let her be.

Let the ex-boyfriend pursue, pursue, pursue, because then, guess what? She’ll flee to where there’s freedom. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. If the boyfriend is not making her feel free, where is she going to go? She’s going to go where she feels free, which is you. Voila! But he reached out to her. I wouldn’t have done that. That was the only thing, I think, in this whole email I would critique. But it looks okay at this point.

She said she would like that, so I set plans for 5 pm on Sunday and didn’t message her the rest of the day Saturday. On Sunday at 10 am I get a text, “Hey sweet man! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I think it’s best if I take some time to myself without dating/sex. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and think you are such a wonderful, sexy man! I’m sorry about doing this and that it is kind of sudden. I need to take care of myself for a while!”

If I was a translator, I’d say, “I think I’m going to let my ex-boyfriend rearrange my insides for awhile and see how I feel about that.”

I just responded, “Yeah of course, no problem!” And she responded, “Thank you for being understanding,” with a purple heart emoji.

What does the Purple Heart signify? What’s that supposed to mean?

Did I do something wrong?

Well, I wouldn’t have reached out, but that really shouldn’t have mattered. If it had been a normal girl, it would have been a non-issue. She would have kept the date. But the ex is trying to get her back. And so, if she’s taken a step back, the kitty cat’s going, “I don’t know. Both these guys are pretty into me.” And then you reach out, it could go either way.

My job here, as a coach, is just to critique, to help you fine tune. If it was me, I wouldn’t have reached out when I hadn’t heard from her. I would have just let her be, because I would have understood that, well, the ex is constantly chirping in her ear. Let her be. Let her wonder about me. If I’m not trying to lock anybody down to a commitment, then when I don’t hear from her and the weekend’s coming up, maybe I’ve got another opportunity. Maybe I want to rearrange my garage or my tool shed or something. Or maybe I want to go over and do a project that my mom’s been asking me to do at her house. Whatever.

I know I didn’t respond “call me if you change your mind.”

It doesn’t matter. She’ll reach out anyway.

It seems she has a good relationship with her father, but the 2 divorces could be a red flag.

Yep. We don’t know why they ended the divorce. So, until we get enough data, we can’t make a decision. But, at the end of the day, you’re not trying to lock her down to a commitment anyway. Or you shouldn’t be.

Do you think the work on myself is a BS excuse girls tell guys, or it could be for real, or the ex, or another guy maybe?

Well, it could be. It’s probably the ex. It may be another guy. Maybe she was seeing another guy before. You just don’t know. But when she says, “I’ve got to work on myself,” what she’s saying is, you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself, so she ain’t got enough to give to you. And at the end of the day, she’s saying, “I want space. I need space because I’m feeling smothered.” She’s feeling smothered from the ex, and maybe just you reaching out instead of just letting her be could have pushed her over to the edge.

But you shouldn’t take it as like, “That’s it. It’s over.” It’s just, hey, the kitty cat isn’t ready to come home yet. Don’t get butt hurt, don’t get offended, don’t get upset. Just say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, so I’m just going to let her be.” And he responded properly. Remember, he says, “Yeah, of course, no problem.” That’s it. He’s not butt hurt. He’s like, “Yeah, cool, no problem.” If you love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. Remember, love is allowing. You’re allowing her to be this way. You’re celebrating it.

You’re giving this to her, because the only thing that matters to women is how they feel about you. And so, if she’s not feeling that she absolutely wants to see you that day, then quite frankly, as a man, you’re like, “Hey, I can go hang out with the guys. I can go see my mom, or my sister, or my aunt, or whatever. I can go do something else. This is a great opportunity. I can get caught up in some projects around the house.” You should be excited about that, because you should love spending your time alone and spending time with other people. And so, his response was great.

I was just curious what you thought of the situation.

Thanks so much for everything! 

Bob

The only critique was the reaching out when you hadn’t heard from her. So, I would say, what probably prompted you to do that was fear that, “Maybe she’s going back to the ex. What do I do?” So, it was a little bit of a pursuit when you should have been backing off, but it’s not the end of the world. A few days may go by, and she may reach out, and then boom, you get together, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it.

You’re a free agent. Hang out, have fun. Hook up. There’s nothing about a relationship in there, nothing about a commitment. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Let her come and go. If you let her come and go, she’ll come into your life more and more as time goes on. And then, she’ll be stuck to you like a sucker fish, and you won’t be able to get rid of her. Not that you would want to, but that’s how the process works. It’s all about how a woman feels about you. You’ve got to let her come to you at her pace.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.