She Was Chasing Me. Then Canceled A Date & Hit On My Friend!

What it means & what to do if she cancels your date & hits on your friend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 29 year old viewer who went on 10 dates with a woman he met on Facebook dating. She always initiated contact and he set dates. After they made a future date, she canceled later that night due to a medical appointment, but didn’t offer a reschedule. She started contacting his friend and hitting on him. He asks my opinion.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s unfortunate…

So this particular email is from a viewer, 29. He went on ten dates total with a woman that he met on Facebook Dating. He says that she always initiated contact, and he set dates. However, after the last time she reached out, they set a date, I guess, in the afternoon. And sometime later that night, she canceled, saying she had a medical appointment, and did not offer a reschedule.

So right after she canceled with him, I guess she had also met one of his friends on Facebook Dating, and they talked briefly. And I don’t think they went out. Or maybe they went out or they didn’t go out, I can’t remember. But at some point, he realized that they were talking to the same girl, and he’s like, “Well hey, it’s my friend. I can’t really date her since you’re dating her.” And so he walked away because, obviously, it sounds like he was probably a good friend once he found out that they were talking to the same girl.

However, after she canceled the date, she contacted this guy through, I think, a messaging app, social media. I don’t know if he replied or not, but this guy says he waited a week, then contacted her and set up another date. They have a date scheduled, but obviously there is the issue with the cancellation. And so he wonders what’s going on here and asks my opinion. And you’ll see, as I go through the email, that he’s not really following the book completely. He’s definitely—I think he realizes he was a little overeager. He really seemed to like her, but he writes a nice, detailed email. It gives us lots of things to go over.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Great work as always. I’ve read 3% Man about five times over the last eight years, although I haven’t always been the best student.

Don’t say, “Well, five times over the past eight years”—that’s piss-poor effort. You sound like more of a cherry-picker, and that’s probably why—I’d say that’s definitely why you’re doing things that you don’t realize are mistakes.

I’m 29 and have been dating a 30-year-old Filipina who moved to Romania for work six months ago. We met on Facebook Dating and have been seeing each other for about two months—roughly 10 dates.

From the beginning, she usually initiated contact, often a few hours after I dropped her off to thank me for the date, and I’d use that opportunity to set the next one—not sure if this is too eager or not, genuine question—and we would HHH. She hasn’t mentioned being exclusive so far.

So the idea is, as the book says, when you start dating, as a man, definitely you should pursue in the beginning. He’s got to get the number. He’s got to make dates. Be direct. Be decisive. Get to the point. However, most women, usually after the second or third date, are going to sleep with you, typically. And once that happens, or even before, you’ll have a date, it’ll go well, and then within a day or two, or maybe a few days, she reaches out.

And then once the woman starts reaching out, especially if it’s every couple of days—and really, you’re trying to go slower than she is—so you’re never going to initiate contact more than once a week. But if she’s calling and texting you and sending you memes 2 or 3 times a week, well, you could actually have 2 to 3 dates because you have to assume if she’s reaching out, she’s thinking about you and she wants to see you.

But where this guy is going wrong is he’s trying to set the next date when she’s just calling or texting to say, “Hey, I had a great time.” So that’s part of what happens when you only read the book five times. You don’t really understand the concept. So it’s nice that she’s reaching out, but he’s eagerly setting the next date. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, for a little tension to build, for them to start to wonder, “Does he like me? Is he going to call? I haven’t heard from him. What’s he doing?”

Even though women will bitch about that, they like a guy more. Because again, at the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like a guy that’s a challenge. And so when you’re doing it like he is, you’re being very predictable. So there’s no time where she has to wonder where she stands with you. And so what happens is that just kind of keeps her interest going like this. But if you were really following the book, by week 6 or 7 she would have been in love and would have been bringing up the exclusivity talk, which obviously she didn’t. It’s like you just—you never really let the sexual anticipation build.

She was affectionate, regularly initiated contact, the sex was great, and we seemed to have a genuine connection.

After our first date, I went abroad for three weeks. During that time, she matched with a friend of mine on Facebook Dating, and they went out once.

Okay, so they did go out.

Nothing happened.

About him. That’d be an interesting conversation, how they found out they were trying to date the same girl.

About a month after I returned, he contacted her again, and she told him she couldn’t see him because she was already seeing a guy—me. He told me about this and told me he would just test/vet her for me.

On August 13, we had another good date. She asked if I’d like to join her and her friends for her friend’s birthday on August 29.

Well, unless she’s head over heels in love with you and you’re exclusive—again, no group dates. That’s out of the book. Because what happens if, in the friend group, there’s a guy that’s always wanted to sleep with her? You say something. She’s not completely goo-goo ga-ga over you. And one of her girlfriends doesn’t like you for whatever reason. Maybe you drink too much. Who knows? They just, for whatever reason, don’t like you. In that case, if her interest is not high enough, then that could be all it takes for you to completely blow it, and she never wants to see you again. Done.

Lots of Video Newsletters over the years—the guys that did exactly that. They went out on group dates. Sometimes they drank too much. Sometimes somebody in the group didn’t like them, or they said something that somebody got offended at, and because her interest wasn’t high enough, she listened to her friends and ditched the guy. So you don’t do group dates until you’re exclusive and she’s in love. And again, that’s in the book. So this is the consequence of all those—what, eight years, I think he’s been following?—but he’s only read the book five times. So you’re going to miss those little subtle details and not understand the concept, and then you step in it. But they didn’t actually—he didn’t actually go on that, at least I don’t know yet because I’ll get through the email, but you’ll see. Um, I’ll explain that part in the future.

I agreed, although we didn’t establish the details.

Well, it’s another thing. It’s in the book: definite day, definite time, definite place. When you leave plans up in the air like that, you don’t really nail it down, and her interest isn’t high, that’s when you get jerked around. You shouldn’t be doing that. So again, he’s just sloppy.

On August 15, she video-called me before work, and we scheduled our next date for August 18. Later that night, the 15th, she canceled because of a medical appointment but didn’t offer to reschedule.

So now it depends on, how did she cancel? Did she just text and say, “Hey, I can’t make the 18th. I’ve got a medical appointment. Sorry”? If it’s like that, versus, “Hey, I realize I have a conflict. I’ve got a medical appointment on the 18th, so I can’t do the 18th. Can we reschedule? I’m available this day, that day.” If she really wants to see you, she’s going to mention rescheduling. And if she’s just blowing you off or not really caring about seeing you, then she doesn’t mention it. So he doesn’t say what she said specifically, but it kind of looks like—it seems like it was just a blow-off because, again, she made the date, but then she said, “Oh, I have a medical appointment.”

The next morning, I replied, “No problem, take care and happy Sunday.”

“Take care,” basically, when you say it to a girl, is like you saying, “Have a nice life.”

She responded warmly, but still no mention of rescheduling, and then there was silence.

After a week without hearing from her, I reached out on August 23.

Well, what the book does say is, if you’re in this kind of pattern right here, you’re dating and things are going well, and all of a sudden you don’t hear from her when normally she reaches out, then you revert back to the once-a-week rule. However, we have a date cancellation, and there’s a question mark as to whether it was a blow-off or she genuinely had a medical issue. But, I mean, at the end of the day, if she’s like, “Oh, I really want to see you,” if a girl has to cancel, “I’m so sorry. I have a scheduling conflict. I can’t see you that day. What other days are you available? I really want to see you.” That’s what she’ll mention, especially when they’re that far down the road.

And so his over-eagerness, him acting like a robot and always making a date when she texts or calls, “Hey, I got home safe,” or, “Hey, I had a good time tonight,” that’s a misapplication of the book because there need to be days that go by and hours that go by without hearing from you, without you hearing from her, for her to start to wonder where she stands. And when you’re just always setting the next date exactly that night, there’s never any anticipation. She doesn’t—it doesn’t stimulate her emotions because she doesn’t have that wondering where she stands. And women like it more that way.

They like to wonder because then they’ll reach out and go, “Hey, how you been? I haven’t heard from you. Sorry I had this medical appointment, but I want to see you.” That’s typically what happens when their interest is high. When their interest is low, they’re just like, “See you later. Can’t make it. Sorry. Don’t hate me.” The texts are flat and they’re short, and it just looks like she’s blowing you off.

So what could be happening there is her interest is not really going anywhere. And they’re a couple—even though they’ve been sleeping together and stuff, it’s, you know, you’re about two months in, a little over two months of dating at this point, and still she’s just not really feeling it. And that’s probably why she’s canceling the date, to see if she misses him, to see if her feelings return.

She replied, but seemed less warm and enthusiastic than before.

So that shows us that the cancellation really was because her interest was low. Because if her interest was still high, she’d be like, “Hey, you. Sorry about the other day. You know, I’d love to see you.” She’d mention something. “Hey, it’s good to hear from you.” But instead, she’s just—so when you look at that, you go, “Ah, probably her interest was low, and she was just using the medical excuse as a cancellation.”

When I was younger and I did stupid things like this, you would get, “Oh, I have to—I have a doctor’s appointment. I might have to have a LEEP procedure. I’m not sure I’m able to be at this point in my life. I’m, you know, I’m confused. Not over my ex yet,” or they just throw a bunch of things in there. But at the end of the day, you bottom-line the actions. She’s not excited to see him. She’s not like, “Hell yeah, I want to see you. Hell yeah, I miss you.” So instead, he gets less than enthusiastic.

So in normal circumstances, if we know the blow-off, like I said, she’s just cold, texts him, “Oh, hey, sorry, I got a medical appointment. I can’t make our date,” and you get something like that and you go, “Yeah, that looks like a blow-off and a cancellation.” And so therefore you don’t do anything. You’re not going to bring up getting together. You’re not going to call. You’re not going to text her. And if she doesn’t ever text you again, then you’ll never speak again as long as you live.

The late, great Doc Love—his attitude towards that was, if a girl cancels a date, doesn’t offer a reschedule, she’s out forever. You get one chance per girl per lifetime. And once she doesn’t value your time, she’s out of the picture. But again, he didn’t really say what she said, but from her less-than-warm and enthusiastic reply after a week, she’s not excited to hear from him. Clearly she blew him off.

It had nothing really to do with—even if she did have a medical appointment, she could have been exaggerating. The medical appointment could have been in the afternoon and it wasn’t a big deal. But she’s just making an excuse because she doesn’t want to see him. So in that case, the proper response would have been to do nothing, not to call, not to reach out. But again, you give her the benefit of the doubt. Just say, “Oh, hey, no problem. You know, let me know when you’re free to reschedule.” That’s all you have to say. And if she just hearts it but doesn’t offer anything about a reschedule, then the ball’s in her court. And so the ball should have stayed in her court at this point.

I asked when she was free, and she said August 29. We scheduled a date for 7:30 PM. Strangely, she didn’t mention the birthday party she’d previously invited me to that same night.

That’s what I was talking about, the birthday thing earlier. And you go, “Well, that’s interesting.” Well, she supposedly had a birthday party to go to, but now he has a date. So does that mean she’s like, “Oh, we got to go to my friend’s birthday party and at least say hi”? Because then she could take the date and say, “Oh, we got to go there. Remember, you committed to this.” And then she’s around all of her friends. There’s no PDA.

And then after you hang out with her friends, you feel kind of guilty. You’re sitting there, “This kind of sucks.” You’re talking with everybody. You’re trying to be nice. You don’t really want to be there. You want to be, you know, plowing her strawberry fields instead. But here you are hanging out, and you’re off. They could tell that you’re probably not excited to be there, but you’re doing it to please her because you’re hoping to get a taste later. And then after the party, she’s like, “Oh, I’m really tired. I just want to go home.” And she gives you a kiss on the cheek. “Oh, I’m tired. Not tonight. You know, I gotta get up early.” And she doesn’t want any physical affection, whereas before she always was down to hook up. That’s not a good sign.

The following evening, she initiated contact with the same friend of mine…

Okay, so he’s setting a date up for six days later, basically. So they make a date. And then he says the following evening, after they’ve made this date, which is on the same day that the birthday party is supposed to happen…

…She’d previously matched with, even though he hadn’t contacted her since she told him she was seeing me. She messaged him again the next day on Instagram.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so what’s going on here is, like, she’s wondering what happened to his friend. So I suspect she doesn’t know that they’re friends. Because remember, she told him that, “I’m dating somebody.” She didn’t say, “Oh, I’m dating your friend.” So I don’t think the girl knows that the two guys know each other. And so he seems like he’s being a good dude and a good friend, giving the play-by-play.

And so, from her perspective, she hasn’t heard from the guy in weeks. She told him she wasn’t seeing a guy anymore—or she told him she was seeing a guy and therefore couldn’t see him. And now she’s reaching out to him. So why would she be doing that? Because in her mind, she’s no longer really seeing the other guy, the emailer. And so she’s hitting on him. So again, that’s more evidence the cancellation was really like, “I don’t want to see you. You dried me up.”

So even though she’s got a date, what does that mean? If this guy—they didn’t know each other—and he goes on a date and they hook up, what do you think’s going to happen? I guarantee you she’ll cancel the date and go, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I got a friend’s birthday party to go to. I can’t make it.” And she would have canceled the date again.

So it’s kind of like she’s got a date set. So if the other guy, like his friend, doesn’t want to see her or is not responsive, she’ll probably keep the date. But again, if it was Chad Thundercock, she’d go hang out with Chad Thundercock. He’d beat up her pelvis, and she’d probably bail on the date. So you see how that works. But in this case, we got good intel because he’s got a friend that seems to be a good wingman.

We’re not exclusive, so she’s done nothing wrong…

Well, it’s not very nice, but the cool thing is, you got your friend, so you can kind of see how this girl is really operating behind the scenes. You have intel that she doesn’t have. That’s the way it should be, if you’re James Bond at the end of the day.

…And I have no intention of confronting her or mentioning that I know.

Well, it’s good to keep that between you and your buddy.

Now for where I think I went wrong.

I got very attached to her and haven’t been dating other women in the meantime. I put all my eggs in one basket instead of continuing to date, properly vetting her, and maintaining an abundance mindset.

Yeah, we can kind of tell you were too eager. You liked her way more than she liked you. And remember I told you, women like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And when it’s the other way around, this is what you get. They hit on your friend that they don’t know is your friend. Because what’s interesting is that he sets a date after she canceled the last one, and then the very next day she’s reaching out to his friend. So, like I said, under normal circumstances, if that guy was receptive, she would have gone out with the other guy. And if she sleeps with the other guy and it goes well, she would have canceled that date.

During that week of silence, rejection started breeding obsession.

Well, the damage was already done, my man. You lowered her interest instead of raising it. She was not chasing you. She didn’t really have enough space to chase you, even though she initiated contact. But all she was really doing was thanking you for the dates. And so when you’re trying to set a date the same night, it makes you look needy and desperate. And probably, at different times, she probably backed up a little bit, and she could tell that you were way too attached, as you said. And it turns them off. There’s no challenge in that. It’s too fucking easy.

That’s why she reached out to your buddy, even though she doesn’t know he’s actually your buddy, because she hadn’t heard from him in a month. She’s like, “I wonder about that guy.” See how that works? Women want the guy that stimulates their emotions because the emotions are what communicate the guy—or at least what they view the guy as being—masculine. In other words, his friend appeared more masculine because he just over-pursued too much, even though she was the one reaching out.

Instead of staying centered, I became afraid I’d lost her.

Well, your intuition was right on that.

I recognize that some of this fear of rejection may come from growing up without a father and receiving little affection or encouragement.

Well, that’s why you got to learn self-control. This is why the book can help you if you understand the book backwards and forwards. You won’t be making all these little rookie mistakes that get in the way of her attraction growing, I should say.

When I learned she’d initiated with my friend, my immediate thought was: if she contacted him after he left her alone, would she eventually have contacted me if I’d simply stayed patient?

Bingo! Because again, she canceled the date. So she cancels the date? That’s like a cardinal sin. She’s got to really show that she misses you and wants to see you again. That’s why, when her response is flat like that—he didn’t say what she said—but we can look at her actions from what we know about the friend. The fact she reached out to the friend shows that the date cancellation wasn’t really because of the medical appointment. It was because she didn’t want to see him. She was blowing him off because her feelings weren’t where they needed to be. And so women will create that space if you don’t fucking give it to them. So that’s what she did. She created space between you by canceling a date to see if she missed you.

I’m now rereading the book and dating other women again. I realize I’ve moved from abundance and outcome independence into fear of losing her.

So Coach, my questions are:

After she canceled without rescheduling, should I have waited indefinitely for her to contact me?

Correct. It would have been helpful for you to share specifically exactly what she said. But again, we’re able to extract from her actions and his buddy’s intel exactly what she was thinking and feeling, which was she was turned off and canceled the date because she didn’t want to see him. So the correct response was to do nothing, and she would have to reach out. And on top of that, she would have to bring up seeing you or rescheduling, or bring up the fact that she’s apologetic for canceling the date and wants to make it up to you. If she says something like that, it’s like, “Great, when are you available?”

Was reaching out after a week a mistake…

Yes.

…Considering she previously did most of the initiating?

Most importantly, how do you remain outcome-independent when you genuinely like a woman and can feel fear of losing her taking over?

I’d appreciate your take on where I went wrong, whether you think her attraction has dropped, and how you’d handle things from here.

Bob

Yes, because she canceled the date. That’s the issue here. Date cancellations mean her interest is low. That’s why you don’t run after her trying to set another date, because usually you’ll just get canceled again. So, like I mentioned a couple of times in the video, in this case it’s a special case because the other guy is one of his friends. So if it had been a different guy that wasn’t his friend and they didn’t know each other, then more than likely that guy would have gone out with her, beat up her pelvis, and she would have ditched you for the date you had scheduled and probably said something like, “Oh, my friend’s birthday party. Sorry, I can’t make it. Sorry, I, you know, I didn’t realize my schedule.”

That’s probably why she told you she was available on the day that the party was, because she had another plausible excuse, plausible deniability, to ditch you. “I see you remembered I had that birthday party. Sorry.” “Well, I thought we were going to go together.” “Oh, sorry. It’s not like that. It’s just girls only.” Again, she left herself some wiggle room to cancel and make it look legit.

“I’d appreciate your take on where I went wrong, whether you think her attraction has dropped.” Oh, it’s definitely dropped. “And how you’d handle things from here.” Well, you’ve correctly surmised you shouldn’t do anything else. So if you never hear from her, then you’ll—it’s on her. She’s gotta reach out. She’s gotta bring up seeing you again. And if she doesn’t do that, then, “Hey, it was great to hear from you. I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.”

You talk for 3 or 4 minutes on the phone, and if she doesn’t bring up seeing you or getting together or being apologetic about the date she canceled and wanting to make it up to you—or in texting, 3 to 4 texts, if you don’t hear anything about her wanting to see you—then you just say, “Hey, nice hearing from you. I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” That’s what you give her. And she’ll either bring up getting together or she’ll just disappear forever.

So you made some mistakes. I pointed them out. Do better next time, my man. It helps if you read the book and apply it because everything’s laid out for you. You made a lot of avoidable mistakes.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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