She Was Mean, Nasty & Rude So I Dumped Her, But I Still Miss Her

Some things to consider if you still miss your toxic ex & want her back.



In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 34-year-old guy who dumped his 36-year-old ex who was nice at first, but after 90 days she became mean and treated him harshly. Eventually he dumped her, but later tried to get her back and she said no.

He still misses her and wants her back, but ignores the fact her behavior never got any better. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is a good email because even if the relationship didn’t work out and she was toxic, which you’ll see because the woman was nice and nasty. I think he said she showed up and took off with his wallet and his phone and never gave it back to him, so I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if he like, never, ever got it back or he had to go and get it, but he just got sick of her loony ass behavior and dumped her, but he hadn’t found anybody else that he liked more.

What was interesting is last week, during one of the live streams, Caroline was talking about her most recent ex-boyfriend, and he’s now starting to show up at a couple of run clubs that she goes to after he had texted her a few weeks before asking about some concert tickets. It’s been about three months, four months I guess, since they broke up and she was asking me about it. I said, yeah most guys, it’s like they end a relationship or they move on and they’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m gonna find somebody else. No big deal,” and they get about 90 days out and they haven’t met anybody else, or maybe they had met somebody and they thought it was going to turn into something, and then it doesn’t. Then they start to get scared, they get fearful and they want to run back to what didn’t work out before. We all tend to project our fantasy of what we want onto other people, and we often ignore the reality.

So it’s pretty clear all of us can listen to this guy’s email and go, “Bro, you need to move on,” but at the end of the day, he’s still got this issue to deal with. When you really care about somebody and you had an intense long-term relationship with them, it’s hard because what you’re doing is you’re trusting that at some unknown point in the future, you’re going to meet somebody else and have a much better connection, and there’s going to be fireworks and music, and it’s going to be like a movie, but when it doesn’t happen quickly or doesn’t happen in the time frame that you expect, guys get scared, they get fearful. “What if I never meet anybody else? What if the next girl is not anything like the last one? What if she’s worse?” Then they want to try to go back to what didn’t work before.

It’s a good email because again, everybody that’s dumped a girl for being a jackass, you’re still going to have those doubts, especially when you haven’t found anybody new yet or anybody better and you start looking past through rose-colored glasses and kind of talking yourself in to trying to go back, but if he was to go back to her, all he’s doing is validating that she can display all that crazy behavior and he’ll still put up with it.

So what’s her motivation to change? The only thing that’s going to motivate her to change is to continually lose good dudes, but unfortunately, there’s always one thirsty beta that’s willing to come behind you and put up with all the crap you were unwilling to put up with. People sometimes do grow and evolve, but they typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of it, but they typically don’t change, especially when they’re an adult. This woman is 36 years old and she’s been this way her whole life. She’s not going to change for this guy.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Long time listener, first time caller. I am a 34-year-old male who has a great job and has his life together (Own a house, etc). At the end of last year. I ended a relationship with a woman (36 years old) who seemed great at the onset. This individual owned a business and seemed successful, but lived with her parents who did not regulate any inappropriate behavior. 

That’s why it’s important in the vetting process, watching the family interact with one another, finding out what the relationship is like, determining whether or not the father did a good job raising her because the dad is the man of the house, he did a good job of raising her, he’s in his masculine and he provided a calm environment, a relaxed environment, but if he’s a beta, if there’s arguing, yelling, screaming and lots of drama, that’s all she knows. That’s normal to her. So she’s going to expect that, but when she starts dating somebody, deep down she knows it’s kind of inappropriate behavior. So she’s on her best behavior, she puts her best foot forward and presents an image that’s not really how she’s really like, and it’s your job in the vetting process, because people can typically hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. That’s assuming you live 10 minutes away from each other, she falls in love and you’re together all the time. Then it becomes very hard to hide.

If you’re in long distance, like the video that I did yesterday, the guy is like a two-hour drive from the girl he’s dating and they’ve been dating for 30 days. So it probably takes him six to 12 months to spend enough time with her to really figure out what she’s like, but obviously this guy, he was able to tell right away her behavior changed after 90 days. Why? Because she got comfortable. She thought that she had him and that he’s not going to go anywhere.

She was very attractive and seemed to have a great personality. Ninety days into the relationship, she turned into a mean person.

In other words, she let you see what she was really like.

She would blow up on me for dumb things and was disrespectful.

Well, that’s the environment at home. That’s how she was raised. Just because the parents are together doesn’t mean that dad did a good job or provided a good environment. If you look at it, the environment is pretty toxic and the woman acts toxic because that’s how she was raised. That’s what was modeled for her at home. Chicks that blow up on you, they make your life hard instead of making your dick hard. That’s not going to work.

Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Is she nice to you? Does she love and respect her dad? Obviously, she’s losing her shit around her father, her father’s losing his shit. That’s not somebody that did a good job. That’s somebody that did a shitty job. That’s somebody that fucked up, and it’s not your job to fix that or be Captain Save-A-Hoe and think you’re going to be a white knight and change her and undo the damage that her dad and the rest of her family did. This is just the way they are, and every time she’s around them, she gets a reminder that that’s the normal environment.

I called her out on it and she told me that she would change.

Well, how many times have you heard me say, “People don’t change who they are. They may become a better version, but they typically don’t change?” So he sets a healthy boundary. She promises to change, and what happened?

We attempted to work things out and even went to relationship therapy. Eventually things blew up and I told her that I would start dating other people and hoped that she would get things together so we could work things out. 

Late last year, I was hanging out with her and she blew up and took my wallet and cell phone. This was the final time we saw each other. Though it ended in a rough way, for some reason I have been unable to move on and miss the person.

Well, rejection breeds obsession, and as you’ll see, he kind of caved and then went back to her.

Of course I did the unattractive things and tried pursuing even though I have read the book. She told me that she would not be interested in working things out because she could not trust that I would stick around.

Well, if you act unattractive, you’re not going to be able to re-attract somebody.

Since then (Mid January), I have dated a few women and have had some success, but I am still missing this person. What would your suggestion be?

Keep dating and I hope you got your phone and your wallet back. That’s just absurd, but she promised to change and she did, and you gave her multiple chances. You even gave her the opportunity to win you back, but instead you turned into a beta male and pursued and chased, and she said, “No way!”

Do you think I might hear from her and be able to work things out in the future?

Thanks,

Bob

No, it will end the same way because she ain’t changed. You’re looking at the fantasy of what you want and projecting that fantasy onto her, and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s a lunatic and that her family’s a mess. That’s the way she is. She promised to change, but she didn’t change. So that’s not fixable. You just have to see reality as it is. Maybe it takes two years. Maybe it takes 10 years. Maybe it’s five years before you meet somebody that’s got their shit together, but the fact that you’re willing to look past all this and make excuses for her and go back to her, all you’re doing is enabling her behavior.

Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Did you mean it when you walked away? Fuck no! You cave like a bitch and you went back to her, and since you chased and you pursued, you weren’t attractive. You weren’t acting like a man. She blew you off, and now you’re still going, “Will she gave me another chance?” Your mindset is totally wrong, dude. You got to read the book 10 to 15 times, and you should master what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I did several years ago. I think it’s probably at least 10 or 11 years ago I think I did that. The principles will apply 100 years from now, but again, at the end of the day, everything that turns you off about this woman is still there. So if you go back, you get her back or you give her another chance and she’s nice for a period of time, like you even tried therapy and it didn’t work. She’s unwilling to change. She’s unwilling to fix herself. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, which was very nice of you, but at the end of the day, it ended the same way.

Remember what Maya Angelou said: “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” I’ve just seen this over and over and over with people. Chicks that are messed up and come from broken homes, typically the overwhelming majority don’t get better. They’re just always that way. You can either put up with it or find a woman that was raised right and raised in a good household because this woman’s not. The other thing you think of, if you had kids with her, would you really want her parents raising your children and being grandparents? I don’t think so, because then your kid’s going to grow up and that’s what’s going to be modeled and your kids are going to turn out to be lunatics like she was.

You got to see reality as it is. Reading the book and actually learning it and reading it 10 to 15 times because it sounds like you just went through it once or twice and didn’t really take it seriously, and you don’t really have any other choices or any other options, so you want to go back to what you know. At the end of the day, now she doesn’t want you because of your unattractive behavior. So focus on your outcome, which is finding a good woman who was raised right.

To have a good relationship with this woman doesn’t qualify. I wouldn’t even hang out with her as a friends with benefits, because this shit’s never going to change, because if you take her back, you just validated that she could behave like an absolute jackass and you’ll still put up with it. You validate her in the same way that her family did, so why would she have any motivation to change? She doesn’t, and the fact that you went chasing and pursuing after her just further cemented that there’s no reason for her to change her behavior, because you’ll still stick around no matter how much abuse and toxicity she throws your way. You’re ready to sign up for second, third, fifth, 10th helping of it. So have some self-respect, dude.

You’re not going to fix this girl. Being Captain Save-A-Hoe doesn’t work. It works great in the movies, but in real life, this ratchet behavior is just always going to be there.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.