Some reasons why a girl will seem really into you for several weeks and then go totally cold and distant.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who read 3% Man, 15 times. Recently he was seeing a girl he really liked and things were going really good and hot and passionate for three weeks. Then she went on a trip with a bunch of other people and she went from doing 95% of the calling, texting and pursuing, to becoming cold, distant and aloof. He told her to call him when she got back and she didn’t. Then he messaged her a few days later and she was cold and distant instead of being enthusiastic and responding right away.
He got perturbed by this and never asked her out and responded with a robotic text a few days later. He was so upset he didn’t try to set the date but it’s clear from her behavior something is up. Probably the ex or another guy she maybe got together with on the trip. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email really illustrates how hard it is to do things right when you start dating a girl you really like. This particular guy said he’d read 3% Man 15 times and he started dating this girl. Things were like great for three weeks. Just textbook. She’s doing like 95% of the calling, the texting, pursuing. She’s excited to see him. Then I think he said he met her online and she had gotten out of a relationship a few months before, a year long relationship, like a couple months before they met and started dating.
He says, everything was like textbook awesome, amazing. He’s all excited, probably feeling the feelings of dopiness creeping in on him, and then she goes away for a weekend trip with a bunch of friends, and then she’s talking to him, calling him a bunch, messaging a bunch when she’s there, and then he says, “Hey, call me when you get back in town,” and she said she will. Then she gets back in town and she does it. Then a few days later, he reaches out to her. She’s kind of cold and distant. Then he waits a few days to reply. Doesn’t really say anything you can see.
I mean, it’s obvious there’s probably either the ex or maybe some other guy is back in the picture, or she’s just going through a difficult time because after all, women are like cats. You could see the fact that she goes from being super excited, constantly drooling all over him, to taking her time to get back to him, that it uncentered him, it bothered him and it perturbed him quite a bit, and it got him off focusing on what he needed to focus on, which was simply setting the next date. So he writes in, he’s like, “What the hell? What’s going on? What do I do?”
I want to thank you for all the work you’ve done. I’ve been following your work for a while now and have def read and listened to your book more than 15 times.
Well, that’s good that you have, but the most important thing to really make that effective is that you got to be applying it. You can’t read the book 10 times and then start applying it a year or two from now and expect that things are going to go well.
You know, it’s funny, the last few months I’ve talked to a bunch of guys that were doing it, “Oh yeah, I read the book a bunch of times years ago. Then I was single for a while, then got into a relationship,” and then never bothered going back until things were like going sideways. Then when they go back, they’re like, “Wow, there’s so much I missed.”
So it’s important you’re reading it and you should be applying it as well, because what causes it to become part of you is reading it, applying it, seeing the patterns that are in the book show up in the real world. If you’re not actually practicing it, you don’t see these things. As time goes by, you start to forget what you read. Then what happens? Guys like this, they get into a relationship, or they start dating somebody, it’s been a while since they read the book and they really struggle with it. So it’s super important.
It’s great that you read it 15 times, but you have to be actively applying it while you read it, because you need the real world experience of seeing what’s in the book, seeing the patterns that are in the book that are described, showing up in your own life so you can observe it in other people, because that’s what you know. Enough of those memories, enough of those successes, enough of those experiences help us start undoing all the programming that the dysfunctional programming that we get through society, that teaches men to act like women and women to act like men.
I was recently dating this super attractive woman. We met on a dating app, and it was amazing for three weeks. I was shocked over how easy it was. I can honestly say she did 95% of the texting and calling. It was amazing because it was effortless.
But nothing is clean. There’s always something going. Like in this case, she had a breakup. Obviously what you’ll see, her behavior it looks like either that dude or maybe some other guy is in the picture because something has gone squirrely with her.
The connection was great. The sex was great. We laughed, had great conversations and lots of fun. While this is happening, I made sure to stay centered. I moved slow and made sure not to get googly eyed.
Or so he believes.
She even gave me the code to enter her home. I could feel her being completely open to me and in her feminine. It was fucking unreal. She would drop comments about us being a couple and would joke around about being my wife. I would just smile and say, “Let’s see how things go and take our time.”
So let me tell you what happened. She went on a planned trip over the weekend with a bunch of people.
Those group trips. There’s usually always a dude, especially if it’s a group that’s known each other for a while and there’s guys and girls going. There’s probably always dudes in there that are carrying the torch that are kind of stuck in friend zone. Maybe they get out of it.
She was still bombing me with messages. I told her to give me a ring when she got home. She never did. I waited a few days and reached out.
So one thing I got to point out here is you said, “Hey, give me a call when you get back in town,” and you didn’t wait for her to do that. Remember he just got done telling us, said, “Oh, I didn’t get dopey.” Well, you got to be congruent with your words. You can’t tell a girl to get in touch and then hold out for a couple of days, and she doesn’t get in touch, and then you start chasing her, because obviously the reason she didn’t reach out is she didn’t want to talk to you for whatever reason.
Again, you’re three weeks in, you think everything’s great. She’s texting you, she’s calling you. If you have a healthy self-esteem and you’re a successful guy, when you tell somebody to get in touch and they say they will, you give them the space to do that. If they don’t get in touch, it just means they really didn’t want to talk to you anyways. Then you know where you stand.
As a man, you can’t tell a woman to get in touch when you get home. Then a day or two after, she’s back, then you reach out to her because that shows neediness, that shows that you couldn’t wait. Besides, it gives her the space to miss you, to wonder about you, to think about you, but also to follow through on her commitments to you, which in this case, is her calling you when she got back in town, or to flake out and disappear forever.
Remember, she’s at fresh out of a long time relationship. Most of the time, 75% of the time the women are the ones doing the dumping. So there’s a 75% chance she dumped this guy, and he’s been trying to come back ever since. If you start getting a little dopey, you over-pursue, you drool on her too much in a text, you communicate that she’s got all the power. I mean, these things can flip quick, especially if there’s another dude in the picture.
Remember, as the book says, the phone is for setting dates. Be direct. Be decisive. Get right to the point. So if you have read the book 15 times, you know that when she’s back in town, I mean, granted, he’s reaching out when he shouldn’t be because he’s doing the opposite of what he told her he was going to do and the fact that he couldn’t wait, but only a few days and then texted her or called her shows neediness, shows that he doesn’t have the confidence to let her be. In other words, to let her follow through on what she committed or to flake out and disappear forever. The thought of her disappearing forever. He couldn’t handle it, so that caused him to reach out.
Notice what he says. He doesn’t say, “Hey, let’s get together. I want to see you.” He sends a boring text.
I sent her a text asking her how she was.
You are a therapist. It’s like, come on, bro, that’s not what the book says.
She responded the next morning saying, “Hi Bob. I’m OK. Sorry for not reaching out.” She usually texts back in seconds. I could feel the disconnect in the text because it was very different from all the other times she spoke to me.
Again, this is why you should have just let her be, because again, you told her when she got back in town to get in touch. So when she gets in touch, hopefully if she does, she gets in touch when she wants to talk to you. Instead, you didn’t wait. You couldn’t hold out.
Again, this stuff is taught in the book and you’re doing the opposite of it, and yet you don’t think you are. Has you lying to yourself. “I haven’t heard from her. What’s going on? She seems a little distant. Is there another guy? I got to find out where I stand. What’s going on here?“
I waited a few days and just responded with, “All good.”
“I was mad. I was perturbed. She roughed up my ego.” I just said, “Does not compute. All good. Never.” Are you supposed to set a date? Where’s the directness? Where’s the decisiveness? Where’s the getting to the point? He says, “How are you? All good?” Because he’s bummed. He’s upset. He’s just completely got off track here. Doesn’t realize it.
Dude, you’re just supposed to set the next date. Granted, you shouldn’t have been reaching out, but if you are going to reach out, you should be being direct and decisive. So that’s the one glaring thing that jumps out at me. He wasn’t congruent with his word. He couldn’t hold out. Then he turned into the robot, and it’s not working. “What happened?“
I know she recently got out of a year long relationship a few months ago. I’m thinking this guy came back or maybe she met some dude on this trip she went on.
Yeah, because you were only seeing here for three weeks, man. You’re not her boyfriend. She’s not your girlfriend, so doesn’t matter.
Again, you give her the opportunity to follow through on her commitments. I reach out to you or to flake out and disappear forever. So if you told her to get in touch when she gets back in town, she’s been doing 95% of the pursuing, you got to give her the space to do that when she gets back in town. The fact that you didn’t, it’s not good.
Whatever was going on with her or another guy or other guys, whatever happened to be, if you’d have given her the space to reach out and she did reach out, she probably would have been excited to see you.
In the book, you talk about how women who get out of relationships can be very hot and cold. Looking back, I feel she was very emotional and hot towards me, and now cold. Or maybe like I said, she found a connection with someone on this trip.
Potentially. “Oh, he’s just a friend. You don’t have to worry about him.”
Who knows and who cares?
Well, obviously you do. You wrote an email. You do care.
You also say that if a woman has a level five attraction and you do everything right as a man…
Well, you’re not straying from the book because you got a little needy and you got scared something’s going sideways. So you did the opposite of what you told her. So from that perspective, you tell a woman something, you got to be congruent with it.
…Everything in her being cannot resist you and she will come back.
I cannot deny that this stung me…
Yeah, because you were starting to get dopey. You were starting to pedestalize her. You’re like, “This is great. This is awesome. She’s gotta be mine.” All she does is throw one little wrinkle your way, one little less than enthusiastic attitude, and you just completely come unglued.
…But I’m using it as a learning experience and would like to know your thoughts.
I don’t think I did anything wrong, but maybe I did.
You did just a little bit. Like I said, what was going on with her really had nothing to do with you. It’s obviously probably has to do with the ex. Maybe something happened on the trip. We don’t know. The bottom line, is her behavior changed.
Remember, you’re on probation. She’s on probation. You’re trying to make sure you’re with somebody that genuinely likes you, genuinely cares, genuinely wants to be with you. That’s why you have to give women the time and space away from you to follow through on what they say they’re going to do, or to flake out. You were impatient and you didn’t do that.
That was the one mistake, because I went over it quite a bit earlier in the video. That was the biggest thing. It’s like she acts differently. Her behavior caused you to become uncentered and off target, meaning you didn’t follow through on what you said. Then even when you did reach out to her, you were not direct, decisive, didn’t get to the point and try to make a date. You just, “All good. Oh, Your Highness, all good. I don’t know what to do.”
The 7 rules on getting your ex back don’t apply here either.
We were never a couple. And we never officially ended things, although her last text to me says it all. We just messed around for a few weeks. I’m thinking about never contacting her again either just because her last text had no enthusiasm in it and my gut/instincts are telling me not to. Yes, I know. I need to move on, date other women and keep working towards my purpose.
Well, dating is like tennis. She stopped moving forward and you didn’t do anything. So what I would do in this case is because you just said, “All good,” is I would wait two weeks, see if she reaches out because you’re trying to give her enough space to resolve whatever’s going on, and then for her to wonder, “Well, look, I just kind of disappeared.” He just said, “All good.” “What happened to that guy?”
She may reach out, but I would wait two weeks from the time you said, “Oh, good, you’re here,” and then two weeks from that, then reach out and say, “Hey, I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” She may be excited. She may wait a couple of days, and if she gives you anything but an enthusiastic response and say, “All right well, figure out your schedule and get in touch, I’d love to see you and catch up. That’s it.” Positive, upbeat and give her the opportunity to follow through. If the other guy’s in the picture, you’re probably not going to hear from her. It may be a month or two or whatever until he screws up again, and then she’ll be back in touch. Then you just set the next date.
This is why I say your job is to set the appointment to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not go, “Who are you? I’m gonna be your therapist. All good.” Don’t do that, dude. Be congruent with what you say you’re going to do. Like I said, other than the little things, you may mistaken that I was breaking your balls and doing the robot. Everybody seems to like the robot. We’re working on a compilation of the different robots. So Jade’s working on that. It’ll be popping up. That should be pretty funny because obviously they love to roast me and it probably some good humorous stuff anyways, so that’ll be coming up.
Like I said, in this case, it’s not really a lot you can do. These things are going to happen. This is why you can tell you really liked the girl. He put her on a pedestal. He’s thinking, “This is it. This is going to be my next ex-girlfriend. This is amazing.” Then all she did was change her behavior a little bit and he’s like, “Ah, I don’t know what to do.” Then everything goes out the window, goes back to probably the way he used to be before he came across my work. It’s all you can do. Just do better, do better.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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