She’s A Great Girl, But Doesn’t Knock My Socks Off. Should I Stay Or Go?

How to know if you should stay with a great woman who doesn’t knock your socks off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about seven months. She’s a great girl and really likes him. However, she doesn’t knock his socks off. He wonders if he should stay or if he should go since it’s the best relationship he’s ever had.

He was with hotter women in the past, but they came with too much baggage. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy says he’s been dating a woman for about seven months. He says she’s a really great girl. Treats him awesome. She really likes him. He’s pretty sure she wants to be exclusive, but hasn’t brought it up yet. However, he’s like, “She doesn’t really knock my socks off” and he wonders if he should stay or he should go. He says he’s dated women who are much prettier, much hotter in the past, but he didn’t stay with them because they came with too much baggage, but with this particular girl, she’s a great woman, but he’s not as attracted to her as he was these other women. So he’s kind of wondering, “What should I do?”

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

So I’m in a pickle here and I could really use some advice. 

I’ve read your book four times and I’m learning a lot. So I’ve been seeing this girl for seven months now and things are going pretty well with her shes very loving towards me always excited to see me and always ready for a round of the indoor Olympics. My problem is and has been that I don’t feel I’m that into her as she is me.

Well, you can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. Your feelings tend to be your truth. So the question really is, is she easygoing? Is she easy to get along with? Is she loyal? Is she a good family-oriented girl? Especially if you’re looking to have kids, is this somebody that you would want to have children with? Those are the kinds of questions you need to ask, because if you aren’t that into her and you’re certain you don’t want to have children or a family with her, and she kind of wants to be serious with you, then the honorable thing to do as a man is to leave the relationship so they can go find somebody, or she can go find somebody that really feels the same way about her that she does about him. The worst thing you can do as a guy is stay with a girl you’re not that into and burn up a lot of her good years where she could be with somebody that really loves her, wants to be with her and have a family with her. A lot of guys get in situations like this and they just settle. They settle and they stay with the girl, and then they’re never really happy. Then they just start to let themselves go and gain weight, and they just settle. It’s just not a nice thing to do to another person if you know you’re not into them.

I mean, I wrote about that in 3% Man. I had the same issue when I was younger. It didn’t feel right, but I was afraid to lose her. I was afraid to be single again. I was afraid I wouldn’t meet anybody that was as good to me as she was. She was a great girlfriend, great wife, but something was missing. It was always missing. It just never felt right. Everybody around me told me that I just had cold feet and that would pass, and because I was young, I didn’t have enough life experience, and I didn’t have anybody around me that I could really talk to about it that could give me some good, sound advice, I listened to the people that were around me and basically did what they did, which was get into a marriage that my heart wasn’t into. After a year, I realized that I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t the right thing. It didn’t feel right. I had to honor my truth because I realized that I didn’t have cold feet. I felt the same way the whole time we were together, and she and I even talked about that. So after all that expensive wedding and your family and your friends involved, then a year later, you’re getting divorced, everybody wants to know, “What happened? You guys are so great together.”

So learn from my mistakes. You can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. If you’re not that into her, you look at it from the perspective of you had other women you dated that you were really way more attracted to and into and maybe had a more passionate sex life with, but they had baggage and shortcomings that just made being with them too difficult. The juice wasn’t worth the squeeze. The reality is, you just got to keep seeking and searching until you find somebody whose goals and values are aligned with your own, because the longer you stay with somebody like this that you’re not really into, you’re wasting her time and you’re wasting your own. The only way you can really meet somebody that’s the right person for you is to create a space in your life, and right now, that space is filled by somebody that you’re not that into.

I can tell she really likes me, but I’m just not crazy about her. Like, I wanna be and, truth be told, I’m not that attracted to her. I want to really like her cause, truth be told, this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and it’s really nice for once.

Well, I say it all the time. Easygoing, easy to get along with. She’s got to be nice to you and communicate like an adult. So you got all those things, but you’re missing the physical, spiritual and mental attraction that needs to be there because again, you can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. I remember what it’s like to be with somebody like that. You feel guilty because they’re so good to you, you think, “Gotta be something wrong with me. Why don’t I feel the same way about them that they do me?” In reality, what it really means on a deeper level is your goals and values are just simply not totally aligned.

So the honorable thing to do, like I said earlier, is to let her go so she can find a guy that does get lit up on the inside by her. Obviously you’re not feeling that, and the longer you stay with her, the longer you’re going to delay you meeting somebody that does knock your socks off. So I’ve just found it’s better to rip it when you know this, when you feel what you feel. I mean, it’s hard because you’re like, “Man, everything else is so great,” but if you don’t see her as the mother of your children and you’re not excited about that, then you need to let her go and go find somebody that does light you up on the inside, and somebody you would love to have children and a family with.

I’ve had better looking exes in the past, but they all came with baggage and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about my last ex all the time, and that ended a year ago. We are not exclusive yet, but I can tell she wants to be, even though she hasn’t brought it up yet. I’m very unsure on what to do. I don’t wanna hurt her…

Well, that’s the thing. If you break up with her, you’re going to get waterworks and it’s going to hurt her. That was another thing that kept me from leaving is I remember one time we were sitting in my car and she started crying. She’s like, “Why don’t you love me?” I felt awful because there was no reason not to, but I just didn’t feel what I didn’t feel, so I couldn’t make myself feel that way. So I stayed with her, thinking, “Well, I’ll be a pleaser. I’ll stay with her because I don’t want to break her heart.” Then of course, we get married and then I broke her heart anyways, just because I was young, I was weak and I was inexperienced, but deep down, I always knew.

…But I also want a girl who knocks my socks off like you explain in your book.

Yeah, if I had have stayed with her, I would have never been the father I could have been. I would have never become the man I could have been. I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now, that’s for sure. My life would have been completely different, and all those great love stories I wrote about in the book that I’ve had since, it’s like I would have never had those life experiences, and I wouldn’t have had those life experiences that gave me wisdom that I can share with you guys so you can learn from so you don’t make the same mistakes that I did.

So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you sir, for all you do.

Bob

Well like I said, you already know what you’re feeling. You know, it was like that old Bonnie Raitt song from, I think it was late 80s, early 90s. “I can’t make you love me. I can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel.” That’s life. Sometimes those things are going to happen. If you love somebody, if you really, truly care for them, if she really is great to you and you know deep down you don’t see her as a mother of your children, you don’t want to be with her, again really, truly loving somebody and caring for them. You want them to be happy, even if that means they’re not with you. If you stay with somebody you’re not that into, you’re just not going to make the the effort that you need to keep the passion and the relationship alive and sustain it.

I’ve seen lots of couples that stay together and do what you did, and it usually ends up with both of them being obese and fucking their kids up, and their kids get obese and they’re just they’re miserable because it’s like once you settle in any area of your life, especially a main area like this, it affects everything, your career, your ability to be a successful entrepreneur, taking care of your body. I mean, think about it. If somebody lights you up on the inside, you’re going to be more inclined to take better care of yourself and eat right and exercise, but if they don’t light you up on the inside the longer you’re together, it’s like, what’s the point? Why even why care? They don’t light you up on the inside, because when you really, truly love somebody and they love you and you want to be with them, you’ll take better care of yourself. You’ll want to become a more successful man because the abundance that it brings into both of your lives, but if she’s not lighting you up in the inside, you’re just you’re settling for being a mediocre man.

We’re all about peak performance. I mean, the title of the book is Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams. So it’s not how to settle for somebody that’s mediocre and it doesn’t light you up on the inside. Like I said, it’s just better to rip the band-aid off. Do what you need to do, get past it, because in the end you’ll feel better. Especially someday when you hear that she’s with somebody that really lights her up on the inside and who feels the same way, that’s very satisfying. That’s what true, mature love is all about, loving somebody to the point where you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can sign up for a 7-day free trial and check out what content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go there now to Understandingrelationships.com, click the “plans” tab or the link that’s in the video description, and sign up for a free trial on our website today.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.