She’s Afraid She Might Hurt Me

What it means and what you should do when a woman you are dating is withholding sex, doesn’t want other people knowing you are dating, says she’s not looking for a relationship, tries to friend-zone you or says she is afraid she might hurt you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a coworker of his for about two months. He says everything was going great until it got around the office they were dating. She says this annoys her, and it does not help matters that other coworkers, including their boss, always seem to be asking about them or commenting on the nature of their relationship. She tells him she is not ready for a relationship; she is worried things might not work out, and she is afraid she might hurt him.

She has slept over at his place several times, but every time he tries to escalate things sexually, she shoots him down and gives him another excuse. She even tried to friend-zone him once, but he told her he was not interested in that. He also feels pretty proud of himself that she says, since she now realizes what an awesome guy he is, she would really like it if they could be friends if things don’t work out. He’s obviously a little clueless and delusional about what’s really going on, so I’m happy to give him a reality check and tell him what he really needs to do to turn things around and seal the deal in the bedroom. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Coach,

I recently learned about you, and man, I’ve got to say thank you. You’ve helped me to see what I’ve been doing wrong in my past few relationships and how afraid I’ve been of getting cheated on or left for someone else. (This tells me you don’t think you’re worthy or much of a catch. When you perceive yourself that way, it will cloud everything you do.) As you say, the more you fear it, then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m dating a coworker, and everything was going great until it got around the office that we were dating. (There’s only one way that happened. It’s always best to keep your mouth shut. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. It’s counterproductive that everyone knows you’re dating, because now she doesn’t like it, and she’s not comfortable with it.) She shared with me that it annoys her, because she’s new and because it feels like she is pressured to act a certain way at work, so she’s not looked upon as a “hoe.” (It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in being with you exclusively and wants to keep her options open, but people at work are making it difficult.) I don’t want her to feel that way. In fact, I’m trying to let her be free to come and go as she pleases. (You’ve got to love in such a way that the person you love feels free. She obviously doesn’t feel free to come and go, and it also sounds like she’s not interested in being committed and giving anybody the perception the two of you are any kind of an item.) As an example, last night she went out with her girlfriends to a bar, and our boss was there. She was talking to some of our coworkers, and then started talking to two other guys. (She wants to keep her options open.) My boss was drunk. He kept saying, “I’m going to tell him. I’m going to tell him,” and it really upset her. (There’s only one reason she’s going to get upset, and that’s because she doesn’t want to give you the impression it’s going anywhere relationship-wise. Remember, whenever a woman tells you how she feels, it only applies to that moment.) She tells me it pushes her away from wanting to be with me, so I was wondering what could I do. (Tell her she should stop talking about your relationship to people.)

We’ve been dating for about two months, I still haven’t had sex with her, and she’s slept in my bed about four times. We make out and I grab and try for more, (Come on man. You need to read my book. There’s a step-by-step progression in the book. It’s about sensory acuity man. You want to get her to the point where she’s wound up sexually, where she can’t take it any more, and tears your clothes off and wants you inside her. Two steps forward, and one step back), but she stops before it gets too far. (When you encounter resistance, back off, and then a few minutes later, take another run. You just slowly wear down her resistance. This is detailed in the book.) She’s 21 and calls me every day and night. (Good. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and make dates when she does, instead of being available 24/7 and being her emotional tampon. You’re acting like the friend.) She tells me she’s not ready for a relationship and brings it up after she feels annoyed at work from the teasing. (That tells me you’re more into her than she is into you.) I don’t push it, because it’s her decision if she wants to be with me. She shared that she’s worried that we might not work out, because we are very different, and she is afraid that she might hurt me. (She’s assuming she will have to push you away and break your heart, because you act like all of the other guys she dated. That’s not confusion. That’s just low interest.) She was trying to keep me as a friend at first, and I told her I’m not interested in friendship, so that’s when she started pursuing me. (Good. She should be doing 100% of the pursuing at this point. Then when she reaches out, make dates that can lead to sex at your place or hers. You should invite her to your place to make dinner together for the next two or three dates in a row.) After seeing how awesome I am, she was hoping if we don’t work out, we could still be friends. (Tell her you’re not interested in being friends, and that your interest is strictly romantic. You’re acting like a friend, so you’re sending mixed signals. If you want to be her lover, act like her lover. You also need to read the book and learn the seduction process. Learn the fundamentals, and it will get way easier for you.)

Bob

“Most men do not understand women fall in love slowly over time. They also fall out of love slowly over time. Once a woman falls out of love with a guy, it will take time for her to fall back in love with him, provided he does more things right than wrong. Men also mistakenly assume they can force or rush women into a relationship or a commitment by pleading, trying to prove their worthiness, stating their case and generally trying to use logic and reason to talk women into loving them. Smart men focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up on dates and leave the relationship labels and commitments to women to bring up when they are ready. They also let women come to them at their own pace and do most, if not all, of the chasing. Women usually will only start chasing and pursuing guys after about 2-3 weeks of dating, where men pursue and initiate contact in the beginning. Once women start pursuing, then guys can simply back off, wait to hear from them and make the next date when they do. This way, women dictate the pace and seriousness of the relationship, so it’s their idea, and guys never have to worry about being too pushy, over-pursuing or getting friend-zoned.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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