She’s All Over Me, But Hasn’t Asked To Be My Girlfriend After 5 Months

Some reasons why she hasn’t asked to be your girlfriend after five months together.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a girl for five months. He says she’s all over him. They see each other 2-3 times per week and have amazing sex. She told him they aren’t allowed to date anyone else, but she hasn’t asked him to be exclusive and they don’t have any labels. She’s also never dated anyone this long before.

He asks why she hasn’t asked him to be her boyfriend yet. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been dating this girl for like five months. He says she’s all over him, they see each other two to three times a week and they always have amazing sex. She’s told him he’s not allowed to date anybody else. She says she’s not dating anybody or doesn’t have any intention of dating anybody else. So it sounds like she’s kind of told him they’re together, but doesn’t want to be official. This is the longest she’s ever dated anybody because, as she told him, usually she dates guys for two to three weeks and they’re already trying to lock her down to a commitment. So he’s wondering, “What do I do? Do I back off?”

It’s been five months, but I mean, at the end of the day, he’s got all the benefits of being exclusive. So I suspect this girl is a little gun shy. I mean, it’s kind of unusual to be with somebody for five months, but then again, if I look at the fact that after five months together, they’re only seeing each other two to three times a week, typically a woman head over heels in love with you is going to want to be with you all the time. She’s not going to be OK with just two or three days a week. She’s going to want to see you every day, every night or mostly every day. So I suspect part of the reason is, is that she’s not completely head over heels in love with him. She likes him a lot. So more than likely, there’s probably things he’s doing and saying that are getting in the way of her falling in love and wanting to spend more time with him because again, if you’re five months down the road and she’s OK with just seeing you twice a week, that sounds like it’s more like a kind of a booty call than anything else.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

For the past five months, I’ve been dating a girl, which from the start, was chasing me. She was giving me many signs of interest and sexual innuendoes (And she still does). On our first date, she mentioned how she was looking for something serious and didn’t want to be treated like a booty call.

Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So if all of her relationships only last two to three weeks and then she dips because the guys are always trying to lock her down to a commitment and she mentions the booty call, maybe that’s all she’s really capable of. Maybe she’s a little messed up, but I suspect just because the fact they’re still only seeing each other two or three times a week because again, in normal Circumstances, if you’re applying what’s in the book properly and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy girl, she’s going to want to be with you every night, either at your place or you and her together at her place. So that tells me that there’s a lack of closeness and intimacy, and that’s why it hasn’t really progressed.

She was never in love or had long lasting relationships, since ALL of her exes wanted to lock her down after the third date. I was the exception. I gave her space and only reached out once a week to set up the next date. She would always reach out sooner though. 

Well, that’s what you do in the book. You’re taking measured steps and you’re only going to initiate once a week, but when their interest gets high enough, they start initiating every few days. When that happens, you don’t really even need to initiate anymore. You just wait to hear from her. Then when she does, you make the next date.

Fast forward to five months and we are still dating, with lots of sex (Mostly initiated by her). She told me that none of her relationships had lasted that long and she found it funny how we weren’t even “together.” After I asked her what she meant, she said that we are basically together, but without the labels. She doesn’t want me to be with anyone else and she doesn’t feel like she needs anyone else…

Again, I would be asking better quality questions like, “So you’re saying I’m not allowed to go out with other girls and you’re not going to go out with other dudes, or you still want to be open to going out with other dudes, and I can still go out with other girls?” I would ask that specific question when she brings it up, not be evasive, crack jokes and not take it seriously or change the subject because she’s bringing it up. She’s hinting at it, but more than likely he just kind of changes the subject and didn’t really ask her to really explain herself.

…But at the same time she doesn’t feel like she needs/wants to ask for a relationship.

Well, that just tells me she’s not feeling it.

She said that she feels like I give her more than what she gives me (Ex: I let her open up, I take her on fun dates).

So the fact she says that, “She feels like I give her more than what she gives me,” what that tells me, that statement right there, is that her impression, the way she feels about him is she feels like he’s more into her than she’s into him. In other words, he’s treating her better than she treats him. He’s treating her like he’s serious about her, but she’s kind of treating him like in her mind, he’s more of a casual thing. That’s what it sounds like. So you got to be able to read between the lines, and that’s what that tells me.

Like I said in the beginning of the email, I suspect that there’s probably things he’s not doing and saying, maybe he’s over-communicating his interest when he’s with her, but based on her perception, it’s almost like she feels a little guilty. Like, “This guy’s really good to me, and he’s treating me way better and like I’m a priority to him, even though I don’t really treat him in the same manner.” Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. So I would say she clearly feels that she has the power. In other words, he’s more into her than she is into him. That’s what it looks like is going on.

Again, I just go off of her words because in his mind he’s doing everything right. Like I said, when you’re five months down the road and the girl is OK with only seeing you two, maybe three times a week, you’re kind of a booty call. That’s basically what it boils down to, and she doesn’t feel strongly enough for him to want to see him more or to move things along to a more serious relationship. So that tells me that he’s probably got a behavior he needs to clean up. Probably hasn’t really read the book 10 to 15 times. So there’s little subtle things that he’s not doing or that he’s doing wrong that are keeping her from really deeply falling head over heels in love and wanting to lock him down because it’s clear she’s not worried about losing him to another girl. She doesn’t feel that fear, but it almost sounds like she’s expecting him to be exclusive with her, but she’s kind of keeping her options open and kind of looking around. Even though she said she didn’t want to be treated like a booty call, she treats him like a booty call.

Again, if we just look at a woman’s actions, that pretty much reveals what’s really going on, despite what he says, despite what’s in the email. If I look at her actions, that’s what it looks like. He cares more about her than she does about him, and she knows that she can feel it. Again, I just go off of what she said, which is that she feels like, “I give her more than what she gives me,” and he says, “Example, I open her up and I take her on fun dates.” I would say, more than likely, she probably said that, and he assumed what it meant, instead of asking questions and getting her to explain herself.

As a coach, because I’ve been doing this 20 years, I can read and write between the lines and know exactly what she’s thinking and feeling. So when she says she doesn’t feel like she needs and wants to ask for a relationship, it’s like she knows she’s got him. She’s not worried about losing him to another girl, but as she said, “She doesn’t want me to be with anyone else and she doesn’t feel like she needs anyone else.” She doesn’t feel like she needs anyone else, but it also sounds like she’s open to potentially finding somebody that she likes better, giving him a shot. It’s almost like it’s a monkey branch situation where she likes this guy a lot, but she doesn’t like him enough to lock him down.

My question is, how is that possible? We are at a point where I don’t reach out at all, nor do I mention anything about relationships.

Well, that doesn’t guarantee that you’re doing everything right, because again, if I look at her actions, it’s pretty clear she thinks that you’re more into her than she’s into you. If I look at her actions and the fact that she’s OK with just seeing you two or three times a week, you’re kind of a booty call. There’s no real deep, close, intimate relationship.

Again, if you’re following what’s in the book to a T, by this point in time, she should be all over you like white on rice. She should be stuck to you like a sucker fish and she’s not. So I would say probably you haven’t spent the time with the book that you needed to. He says he’s read it 10 times. At the end here, he says, “I’m a big fan of your work, and I’ve read 3% Man more than 10 times until now.” Well, maybe there’s something that you’re missing.

Again, if I just look at her actions, she’s not as into you as you want her to be. That’s pretty clear. So there it could mean there’s things that you’re doing and saying when you’re with her. Maybe you’re acting dopey when you’re with her. I’ve done emails where guys are like, “She does 100% of the pursuing and I just make dates,” but then he talks about things he says and he does, and it’s pretty clear he’s pretty dopey, and when he’s with her, he communicates that he’s way more into her than she is into him.

The bottom line is, women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. So she’s got too much of the power. So I would say he’s probably over communicated his interest in her. He’s probably let her know that he’s not dating anybody else, he’s not trying, and just the way she’s worded things, “She doesn’t have any desire or need for anybody else,” but it doesn’t sound like she’s completely cut herself off from the possibility of entertaining somebody else. It’s like she left herself some wiggle room in case somebody comes along that makes her feel more attraction for that guy than she does for this particular guy.

All I do is hang out, have fun and hook up. She does all the chasing. She even arranges romantic dates and texts me constantly about how badly she wants me (One time she also asked me if I missed her). We meet up 2-3 times a week…

Again, you’re five months in and, “Oh, she asked me if I missed her one time.” It’s like, this should be way more serious than it is. So somewhere along the way, there’s something he’s doing in sand that’s keeping her from falling totally in love with him.

…And she can’t get enough of me…

Well, if it were true that she couldn’t get enough of you, she’d want to see you every day, and that’s not happening. So you’re overrating her interest in you and you’re not noticing that you’re more into her than she’s into you. So if you can’t even tell that and I can, well obviously she knows it as well, especially if we go off of her words.

…But she still doesn’t want to make it official (I cannot stress enough that I do not bring this up to her, at all).

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all. Just because you’re not bringing up a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not acting dopey and over-validating her and just communicating that you’re super serious about her and you’re just waiting with bated breath for her to tell you that, “OK, let’s be boyfriend/girlfriend.”

My first thought would be that I have become the booty call.

Yeah, that’s what it sounds like.

Or maybe I should just reduce our date’s frequency and be even less available?

Any sort of feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I am a big fan of your work and have read 3% Man more than 10 times until now.

Thanks and have a good one!

Bob

No, I wouldn’t do that, but whatever it is you’re doing when you guys are together, that’s over-communicating your seriousness about her. Maybe you’re talking about your feelings too much. Maybe you’re talking about the future too much. Again, if I look at her actions, she’s not as into you as you think she is. So somewhere along the way, you’re paying more attention to how much you like her and you’re not noticing that she’s not feeling the same way.

I mean, you kind of do notice something’s off. So there’s got to be something in your behavior that needs correction, either going through the book again or a phone session with me, and I could ask you specific questions and get to the root issue of what’s going on, because this is not normal to be five months down the road and she’s not head over heels in love with you. You are correct in your assessment. You’re basically a booty call to her.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.