What you should do and how you should approach a situation where a woman you briefly dated, who got serious with another guy, gets back in touch with you, but it appears the other guy is still in the picture.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who writes in asking about a woman he dated about a year ago. They only had two dates, but he was really crazy about her. She ended up getting serious with another guy she was already dating, and he simply thought it was the last he would hear from her. Since then, he has found my work and has been dating other women.
She recently got back in touch with him, asked him about where he was living and if he was living alone. He tried to set a date with her, but she was vague and evasive. She said she would get back in touch with him once she figured out her schedule, but it’s now been nine days since he last heard from her. He asks my opinion on what is really going on and what he should do now. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
This is Bob 27, and I’m from Denmark. I just want to say, I really appreciate what you’re doing. It’s great. I sometimes watch your videos when I need advice. I have been dating two girls recently, who are chasing me, but I decided to move on because I want to feel WOW like you talk about in your videos. (You can have sex with a thousand different women who don’t mean anything to you, but the first time you really make love to a woman emotionally, spiritually and physically, it’s magical. It’s a night and day difference and makes sex with other women look like glorified masturbation.) I’ve been alone for a couple of weeks, and like you say, the universe really has got a fucking sense of humor. (Everyone who comes into your life is there for a reason.)
This girl I was crazy about and had 2 dates with a year ago, got back in touch with me on Facebook. Back then, I took her to an aquarium because we met at the beach and she was also a swimmer. We kissed at the end of the date, and it was great. Then we had another date that didn’t go so well. She told me she liked me, but she was already seeing a guy when we she meet me and wanted to see where that went. So that was it. I moved on. (At least she didn’t string you along when she knew she was going to be with someone else.) I have been dating and learning since, little by little, but her I find confusing. (When you’re confused, it usually means you’re about to learn something.) When she contacted me, I was thinking, okay let’s she what she wants. I didn’t have the highest expectations, because I’ve seen photos of her and a guy on Facebook and a relationship. Now there is no relationship, but still recent photos of the two. (In this case, it’s looking like it’s an on-again off-again thing that may be in the process of ending.) She texted me and asked where I was living and if I was living alone (She’s basically asking you if you’re single), and said, “It’s so long since I’ve seen you now!” I read it as, “invite me out,” So I asked about her schedule, and said, “When are you free?” She didn’t give me a day. She says she wasn’t sure this week, asked how my schedule was, said she will think of something and said deal. However, it’s been 9 days since I’ve heard from her. Is she just playing games to see if I’m still interested in her, or am I doing it wrong?? (She’s just lining you up as a potential replacement.)
I was trying to ask her out and make a definite day to meet up, but as you can read in our conversation, she’s quick to throw the ball back at me. (Women help you when they like you. She may not be available yet. If you leave the door open and don’t burn bridges, you never know what will happen.) To me, it’s like she’s saying, “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, invite me out, but I’m going to make it difficult for you because, I’m not sure when I’m free. (She’s just trying to see what your availability really is like, but she’s not ready to make a date yet.) However, I definitely want to see you. When are you free Bob? Okay, then I will figure a day, and then do nothing.” She hasn’t gotten back with a day to meet, which is very frustrating. I want to do something, if that’s the right thing to do? (That right there is the Illusion of Action, as I discuss in my book. You should look at her actions. It’s pretty clear she is not ready yet. She’s just testing the waters.) Normally my experience is, when I date a girl, if she turns it down and doesn’t come up with another reschedule date, I know she’s not interested. I feel like she’s making it difficult. I keep it open, but she doesn’t act.
Here’s the text:
Jessica: “Hey Bob. How are you?”
Me: “Hey Jessica. I’m great. What’s the latest with you?”
Jessica: “I am fine as well. Are you still living in Herlev? How is your work?”
Me: “Hello, I just got home. I was out to buy a TV earlier. There is a great sale today. I’m living in Herlev, but I moved from the kollegium to an apartment. I painted it and got most of the furniture. I just need the last few things. My work is going well. I was offered two jobs when I was done with my education, so I work full-time now. Did you move? It’s been a long time. How are You?” (You need to be direct, decisive and right to the point. You should just ask her when she’s free to get together so you can catch up.)
Jessica: “Very nice! I heard there was a sale at Glostrup. So did you buy a TV? Congratulations on the job. What kind of job is it? Where in Herlev do you live? Are you living alone? I am moving soon to Nørrebro.” (She’s being a detective to find out where you live, if you are single and if you are living with somebody.)
Me: “Yeah, I went to Glostrup, but no power. I went to the neighbor, El Giganten. I got a 25000 kroner TV for 15000kr because everyone was going to power, so to compete and attract customers, El Giganten had great offers. Thank you! It’s what I was educated to be, a process operator. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. It’s close to the kollegium because I like the green and a little nature. I often walk in Smørmosen close by. You are curious about me dating two girls, but it’s nothing serious. So yes I’m living alone. Cool, congratulations. Are you moving from the kollegium? How about you, are you moving in the with Peter?”
Jessica: “Nice! You are dating two girls! Wow. No, I am not moving in with Peter. It’s a studio apartment, so it’s a bit insecure for him. Everything sounds very good with you. Where did you get your education? How is your sister?”
Me: “My sister is a lot better now, she has a boyfriend her own age who is living next to Dyrehaven. She just got home from school. I’ve just invited her to go out. We are going to Bellevue strand in 20 minutes. Well it is not a university education. I can study on to other things like process technician. Well everyone says wow but not me. It doesn’t count, because I don’t have butterflies. Well why isn’t he moving in with you? Isn’t he your boyfriend?? Are you self employed?” (Now you are being the detective.)
Jessica: “Sounds good with your sister. Tell her greetings from me! And I like your education as well. I haven’t seen you for so long now! Well my boyfriend feels insecure as I have this studio apartment, so that’s why. I am graduated and I am working on my own project.”
Me: “Yeah, she says hello too. Thanks, I’m happy to be with my job and the environment. Well I think it sounds exciting with your studio apartment, but I don’t know so much about it. Is it some kind of special apartment? Very cool! What are you working on? Yeah, you’re right. It’s been a long time now. Let’s meet. How does your week look, when are you free?”
Jessica: “Yes you have to be studying to live there, but I don’t study at the moment. That’s why I am working on my startup company idea, an app. We should definitely meet. This week, I am not sure. How does your week look?” (It’s obvious the boyfriend is in the picture. She’s not saying anything positive about him. It’s obvious she’s thinking about getting rid of the boyfriend and potentially going out on a date with you, but she’s not quite ready.)
Me: “Nice. It’s good to have a place for yourself. So you are working on starting a company. That’s pretty cool! What is the app about? Let’s meet then. It’s a little difficult to explain but, for me, my week looks like this… I have my last vacation day tomorrow, then I am working Wednesday to Friday. I’m home until about 4:30 those days, then I go train with my Tamil friend. But I can skip training one of those days if you want to meet there. Saturday I have to work in the evening, and Sunday I am free. Next week I am free Monday through Wednesday. Thursday through Sunday, I am working until 4:30.”
Me: “That sounds like a good idea. You can tell me more about your app when we meet. Okay, that’s cool. I wonder what you will come up with and when.”
Jessica: “Okay deal.”
I hope you can help me on what to do and what to work on. (You got all worked up over nothing. As I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you’re going to ask her on two separate occasions to get together. If she gives you the same vague answers twice, then you will stop asking to get together. If she wants to get together with you, she needs to reach out to you at that point.)
My response to him:
You are wasting way too much time with boring BS chit chat on text, instead of getting right to the point and making a date. The real reason she is contacting you is because she is still with her boyfriend, but obviously not happy, and it does not look like things are going to last with him. She is simply putting her finger in the water to see what your situation is and if she can possibly bounce back to you if she dumps her boyfriend. That is why she talks about not seeing you for a while like she misses you, but then is vague and evasive when you try to make plans. Do nothing. Wait to hear from her. If she contacts you again, try and ask her out and set definite plans. If she pulls the same vague BS, then tell her to get in touch if things don’t work out with her boyfriend. Use this article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” as a guide on how to interact with her going forward if you do hear from her again. You need to read my book 10-15 times ASAP to learn the basic fundamentals of what I teach.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“There are basically two types of people you will encounter in the dating world: 1) those who are comfortable and happy being single and unattached, and 2) those who are insecure and don’t like being alone. People who are comfortable and happy being single don’t need other people for validation or a security blanket. They don’t lead people on and have a healthy enough self esteem that they end relationships when it is time for them to end, instead of trying to line up a replacement before a breakup. Those who are insecure and don’t like being alone never end a relationship unless they have at least one, or even several, potential backup lovers on the side. By understanding this dynamic, you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary drama, suffering and heartbreak by being very clear that you will only date or become involved with new lovers who have completely ended their relationships with other people before starting new ones.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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