She’s Been Cold & Distant Since I Met Her Friends & Family

What it means if she’s been cold & distant since you met her friends & family.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s a previous coaching client. He had been dating a girl for the past few months. Things were very hot and heavy. Then he met her friends and family and things went south after that. She became cold and distant and didn’t seem into it when they were having sex anymore.

She just canceled two consecutive dates on him for B.S. reasons. He told her it was rude and to get in touch when she was ready to see him again. Now he wonders if he’s single or not and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is a good email that really shows the importance of your girlfriend or your significant other being head over heels in love with you before you start involving yourself in their friends and family’s lives and getting introduced to them. If she’s not head over heels in love with you and then you start meeting friends and family and going out on group dates, oftentimes, especially if the girl’s got a big group of friends and there’s guys in it as well, maybe childhood friends from high school that hang out in their peer group, there’s usually one or two of those guys that have been kind of secretly carrying the torch for her that have always been hoping to date her at some point, then you show up as the new guy she just started seeing. When you’re not around, they start sandbagging you, talking shit about you and trying to get her to break up with you in hopes that they’ll get a shot.

So that’s one of the reasons why in 3% Man you don’t do group dates, you don’t meet the parents or family or any of that stuff or involve yourself in each other’s lives until she’s in love with you and wants to be exclusive. If you do it beforehand, if you do it before she’s gonzo over you and goo-goo ga-ga, then when somebody talks shit about you, she’ll take it in and listen. If she’s in love with you and you talk shit about her boyfriend to her, she’s going to defend you to those people.

It’s clear she was not head over heels in love with him when he started hanging out with her. So what ended up happening was that after he met her friends and family, he could tell he kind of got the vibe that the parents didn’t really like him, and things went south really quickly after. Like he noticed when they were having sex, it just didn’t seem to be that into it anymore. Like he says, she’s been cold and distant ever since then. Then recently, he tried to set some dates with her and she’s cancelled two consecutive dates. Now he’s like, “Am I single? What the hell’s going on?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

We actually have done three phone sessions in the past. I (30-year-old male) am in a relationship with a 24-year-old female, whom I met just over three months ago. We’ve been official for just shy of two months. She was VERY hot and heavy early on, super forward.

How early on? If it went the other way, if she was super hot and heavy and then it went the other way, that means the attraction dropped. So maybe it was dropping. Then you met the family and it just dropped even more.

The sex was magical and she always talked about how hot I am (Not conceited, just what she said).

Well, that’s what she said at the time because that’s what she felt at the time. However, now is a different moment in time and she doesn’t feel the same way. That’s the only thing that matters. How does she feel today? She obviously ain’t feeling that way.

Things went strong for maybe a month and a half. She texted and called me constantly, even when plans were made already.

So things were good for about a month and a half. Then they became exclusive. Then it went back the other way. Again, it usually takes six to eight weeks for a woman to fall in love. That’s assuming you apply everything that’s in the book properly and that you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman and not some kind of mentally ill fruit loop.

I took control of the plans for the most part, which I only say because we needed to change plans a couple times due to her being on call for work and what not. An example would be: One time she came over and said she wanted tacos when we were supposed to go to a panini restaurant, which I stupidly agreed to.

Well, does she not like panini? Do you not like tacos? You shouldn’t go to tacos if you hate tacos, but if going to tacos is a better deal and a better restaurant, go have tacos. Go have yourself a nice, wet burrito.

I was not compliant with her apart from these one or two situations.

So that’s not why you’re in this situation then.

The key is, it was good for about a month and a half. She was really into him for a month and a half. Then it went sideways after a month and a half.

We hung out, we had fun and we hooked up. We even talked about plans as far out as August (She brought that up).

Well again, that only mattered the day she brought it up. A woman is going to tell you and talk to you and interact with you based upon her feelings. So when she says, “I love you,” it only means I love you in that moment. It’s like the weather report. If she was talking about doing things in August, but that was only the first month and a half of the three months that you were together and she never brought it up again after that, that tells me that her interest was going up, and then it started going down. In other words, you were doing and saying things to make her less attracted, and you weren’t noticing that her attraction was going the other way until it was too late.

Toward the end of April, she ran a half marathon. I had NEVER been to an event like this, so I didn’t really know what to do apart from just being there for her.

Going to a half marathon. What, are you going to stand in the bleachers and watch a run? It’s like, I probably wouldn’t have gone to something like that because that’s like a four or five hour thing. Unless there’s lots of fun activities to do, then maybe I’d go to something like that. If a girl is running a half marathon and you’re not running it with her, why would you go to that?

Should have gotten her flowers or something, but it is what it is. I also met her family that day and I think they didn’t really like me to say the least.

He didn’t make a good impression. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Did you take the time to talk to them? Did you take the time to listen to them, or were you kind of cold and distant and didn’t really want to talk to them? Because if you were kind of cold and didn’t really want to talk to mom and dad, they’re probably not going to like you, so that’s just creating rapport one-on-one.

Just like the book talks about how you create rapport with a girl. You get her to do most of the talking. If you’re meeting her parents for the first time, you should be interested in who they are and getting them to tell you about them, that kind of thing. If the first time the parents meet you, you act like you don’t want to be there and you don’t really want to talk to them, and you’re kind of antisocial, they’re probably not going to have a high opinion of you. It wouldn’t matter if she’s in love with you. If her interest had been declining, because again, he says they were together for almost three months, things are great for the first month and a half, then by the time this marathon came up, her interest was already low. So her love and respect for him just wasn’t there. If Mom and dad are like, “Yeah, I don’t like that guy. He’s not really friendly. He’s kind of weird, kind of socially awkward,” I don’t know what was going on, but he didn’t leave a good impression. Unless you’re drunk or being an ass or something, the only way you couldn’t leave a good impression is if you just didn’t take the time to get to know mom and dad.

She left me hanging during the entire thing, which I didn’t appreciate. Same thing happened with her friends when I met them.

You’re meeting them when she’s not in love with you. That’s what happened. The fact that she’s rude to you like that just shows she doesn’t care, you’re not important to her. If you’re going to meet her friends and family, you want her gushing over you. If she’s already kind of got lukewarm interest in you at that point and then you’re meeting her friends and family, then one of them talks shit, it’s not going to go well.

She would ignore questions I would ask her over text and send innocuous things, called certain things I wore ugly, and did a lot of things I really didn’t appreciate.

Yeah, because she didn’t like and respect you that much. I’d say what happened was you were projecting your high interest onto her and ignoring the fact she was not feeling it.

She wasn’t that great in bed and was actually kinda selfish. I knew we didn’t have much in common…

Why do you get into a relationship with somebody you don’t have much in common with? The idea is somebody that’s easy going, easy to get along with, who you share the same goals and values with. If you can’t have fun with her, if you don’t have a lot in common, then why the fuck would you get into a relationship with her?

…And wasn’t sure for a while what the future would look like. Regardless, everything stayed hot and heavy after, at least for a bit.

Again, it was only for about five or six weeks, so that tells me she never fell in love with you. Again, if you were doing everything right according to what’s in the book and she’s normal and not a fruit loop, she would have been in love by week six or seven and been gushing over you, and that never happened.

Over the last couple weeks, I noticed a coldness mainly in bed, she wasn’t that into it.

How well do you know the book, dude? If I had done three phone sessions with you and you’re having a hard time in the bedroom with your girl, you don’t know the material in the book, dude. It tells me you’re trying to seduce her, touch her and kiss her when she’s not really that into it, and you were totally clueless. You had no self-awareness of it. You had no sensory acuity. You could not tell that she didn’t want to be touched or kissed.

The last time we hung out (Last Sunday), I didn’t hear from her until 4:30 p.m. She told me she had a bad day. I asked her what was up and opened her up when she came over, which we had planned for. She really appreciated it and we had the indoor Olympics, still a bit cold though (No tongue, wanted me to cum after a few minutes).

Yeah, she just wanted it over. Maybe you sucked in bed. If a girl’s just wanting you to end it, she’s not feeling it. Got to pay attention to that, man. You can’t just ignore that. So that tells me you were focused on your interest in her and not noticing that she just wasn’t feeling it in you. When a girl is not feeling it, or she’s cold and distant or not that excited to see you, you reward enthusiasm with more of your time. If she’s kind of cold and distant, then don’t see her as much. Give her the gift of missing you, especially if nothing is supposedly wrong.

I should have been a bit more giving since she had a bad day, but whatever. The coldness in bed only happened a couple of times, but I should have opened her up both times.

That tells me you’re trying to have sex with her when she’s not feeling it again. The process of seduction is detailed in the book. When to Make the move, it’s detailed in the book. If you’re trying to seduce a girl and she’s not that into it, that tells me you’re kind of clueless. I haven’t looked to see if we actually did three phone sessions or not, it’s like after following me for that long dude, you should be more aware of what’s going on. It’s not your best performance, my man.

Last week, I had a shit day and didn’t get back to a text she sent at 7:30 p.m. until 6:30 p.m., for which I apologized.

So what does that mean? You waited a full 24 hours to get back to her? She sent a text at 7:30, and you didn’t get back till 6:30. So I assume you waited 24 hours? Like 23 hours. That’s rude. That’s your girlfriend? That’s rude. Shows you don’t care.

EVERYTHING went south after that. She was cold, distant and cancelled plans on me twice. She had asked ME to hang out one of those days. Yesterday she cancelled citing she woke up super late, had a lot to do, and had to work the next day.

Yeah, she doesn’t like you, doesn’t respect you that much. This has been going south for a while, and you didn’t see it until it was too late. So I don’t know what you were doing and saying when you were with her, but it’s clear things are good, as you said, for a month and a half. Then it went south after that. Again, you were together for three months.

This is B.S. She’s come over after drinking with friends well after midnight while having to work the next day.

Yeah, because it means her attraction is low.

Again, you’re focused on your attraction to her, but haven’t been paying attention to the fact her attraction in you is really low. Women don’t cancel dates with guys they’re in love with. They cancel dates that they don’t want to see and they’re not feeling it. Again, she’s not interested in sex, and it’s not dawning on you that you’re probably pursuing too much and investing too much and she’s just not that into it because you’re going, “Well, we’ve been together three months, Coach. She should be more into it by now.” Well, you’re ignoring the fact she’s not into it. You can’t force a woman to feel something she’s not feeling. You have to figure out what you’re doing and saying to make yourself so unattractive, and if you’re waiting 24 hours to text her back, that’s fucking rude.

She had been saying for a week that she’s super busy this upcoming month and has no time for anything.

The reason she’s saying that is because she’s trying to say, “I don’t want to see you. Don’t ask me out.”

I asked what’s going on and she dodged the question.

She’s not feeling it, bro. You should know better. I’ve done three phone sessions with you and you’re still this clueless? Come on, man!

You got to pay attention to what’s in the book. You got to read it 10 to 15 times. You got to learn the baseline materials because things are going sideways here and you’re not even noticing it. It’s just sailing right over your head until it’s too late.

We originally we were supposed to hang out last Sunday (05/19). She cancelled and had never cancelled before in our relationship.

Yeah, because she’s not into it and you had no idea.

Again, you were clueless. You didn’t even see it coming. If things were good for the first five or six weeks and it’s been going south ever since, if you dated three months, that means for five or six weeks you’ve been noticing her interest going downhill. Parents don’t like you, friends don’t like you, she’s not into it in sex. Now she’s canceling dates and you’re just now starting to go, “Oh, I think something’s wrong.” It’s like, hello dude, you need to wake the fuck up.

Basically, I kindly offered to reschedule for yesterday (05/21). Yesterday, after she cancelled again, I told her to let me know when she’s free and to be mindful of my time because I’m busy too.

Next time she asks to see you, make her wait a week. Tell her, “Oh, things have been crazy, honey. Sorry, I’m all jammed up this week. We can get together next week.” Again, if she’s canceling dates, I wouldn’t bring up seeing her ever again. I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason.

She apologized. I told her that I understand that she’s busy and I support her 100%, but I’m going to give her the time she needs to take care of this stuff and I’ll take some time for myself. I then told her to get in contact when she’s ready to get together again. She literally just said, “Thank you. I appreciate you.” I was caught between doing (Because she was so cold and distant)…

So there it is. Now he recognizes her interest dropped, and instead of backing off, he moved forward faster. Got to let women come to you at their pace, bro.

…The once per week fallback. I’m going to be congruent with my words and will not contact her at all. Regardless, I stood my ground and it feels good. I just bought a limited edition Camaro, so safe to say I have a solid distraction.

Well, cool. Maybe you can go pick up some new ladies in your Camaro.

Did I do the right thing?

Well, I would say for the last month and a half, you were not paying attention at all, dude. Again, this lack of noticing this stuff tells me you just haven’t spent the time to read the book 10 to 15 times. You paid attention to your interests, you assumed it was going up, you assumed since you were exclusive, that everything was perfect and you had made it to the Promised Land.

Any chance she’ll be back?

Well, I would never ask her out again, even if she does reach out. If she sends you a meme, just like it back. If she says something nice to you, just like it back unless she’s asking you a question. Unless she says, “I miss you, I want to see you. When are we going to get together? It’s been a while. I want to come over,” don’t ever bring up getting together again unless she does first.

Haven’t been in a situation like this. We haven’t had an actual breakup conversation. Not even sure if I’m single or not.

Bob

Well, if I were you, when your girlfriend has cancelled two dates in a row for B.S. reasons, and on top of that, she’s told you how busy she is, if you don’t hear from her for a week, then I would assume you’re single and I would start entertaining attention from other women. Quite frankly, if you take a step back, parents don’t like you, the friends don’t like you, that should kind of be a clue, and then you don’t really have that much in common. You’re dating a woman you have mediocre interest in and a girl who definitely has low interest in you. I would not stay exclusive to a woman that’s blowing you off like this. I just wouldn’t, because you don’t know what she’s doing, you don’t know what she’s up to. Maybe there’s another guy in the picture, you don’t know. She’s canceling dates. She’s been clearly backing away.

I’d give it a week. If you don’t hear from her for a week, then I would assume it’s OK to go out and date other people. If she ever complains about it down the road, it’s like, “Hey, you were canceling dates. You told me how busy you were and you weren’t making the effort, so I just assumed you didn’t want to be together anymore because you were all over me in the beginning.”

Again, you got to figure out where the fuck you went wrong, dude. It’s pretty clear you started over-pursuing instead of backing off, it’s like you got to pay attention. The book is not going to help you if you do the opposite. You’re supposed to match and mirror her actions, and when she backed off, you should have backed off. If she wasn’t head over heels in love with you, you should not have been going to her race and meeting her friends, her family and all that stuff. You put the cart before the horse, you projected your high interest, and you ignored things. I mean, the title of the book is woman of your dreams, not some boring chick that you have nothing in common with or very little in common with.

Again, if you don’t hear from her for a week, definitely if you don’t hear from her for two weeks, then yeah, I would just start dating other girls. You know, she can be an occasional fuck buddy, friends with benefits. If she brings it up, be like, “Hey, we’re not really together anymore. I haven’t seen or heard from you in two weeks. You haven’t been making much of an effort. It just doesn’t feel like a relationship. You didn’t make the effort. You’re canceling dates. You obviously didn’t want to see me.”

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