She’s Been Slowly Backing Away & Hasn’t Reached Out Lately. Why?

Why a woman will back away and stop reaching out after several weeks of dating.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl on a dating app. After 2 good dates, she suddenly became unavailable for a 3^rd date due to a busy schedule. He decided to back off and wait to hear from her. It’s been over 3 weeks now and she doesn’t reach out. He asks if he’s been ghosted. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She’s Been Slowly Backing Away & Hasn’t Reached Out Lately. Why?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy who is new to my work. And so he met a girl on an online dating app. First date went pretty well. He met, had drinks, had a second date, thought it was going pretty well. And he basically made some rookie mistakes as you’ll see as we go through the email, which typically, a lot of guys that don’t know any better make these mistake. So it’s easy to correct.

But he just noticed when he tried to set the third date, she was just going on and on about how busy she was and her schedules up in the air, and then he realized he’s kind of pushing a wet noodle. So he thought, “hey, I’m just going to back off and do nothing.” And now it’s been three weeks. He hasn’t heard anything. He’s like, “did I get ghosted? What happened? What happened?”

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Really appreciate your content. You’re helping soothe a lot of anxious souls out there, including myself. I recently came across your videos on YouTube and I have read your book once. Be patient with me. I’ll get there!

Well that’s good. Big things have little beginnings, but there’s no shortcuts to success. You’ve got to read it to 10 to 15 times. And most importantly, you got to apply it. Because the more you apply it, the better you get. And so there’s going to be some obvious glaring mistakes that you made that all of us make when we don’t know any better. So it’s a good email to learn from.

So my issue is the following. I met a girl on a dating app and there was a good level of connection between us. She was smart, well spoken and had a curious mind, all qualities that I appreciate. I asked her out on a date where we grabbed drinks. The date was fun, flirty and easy going. Everything was moving on smoothly.

And here’s where you notice he makes a mistake.

With 50/50 effort in between dates in terms of texting. I would always initiate dates. 

Okay, so I know you went through this one time and this is why you go through it 10 to 15 times, because you went through it once and you missed something that was really important. But more than likely, when you’ve been in No Contact and haven’t heard anything, that’s when you’re probably realizing, “oh shit, I haven’t heard anything from this girl.” So anytime, whether it’s a heterosexual relationship, a gay relationship, a lesbian relationship, anytime the masculine person does more than 20% to 30% of the calling, texting and pursuing. In other words, the contact initiation, the reaching out when you’re not waiting to hear back.

All conversation threads are closed. That’s what contact initiation is. Anytime it’s more than 20%, 30%, especially when it is 50/50, 50/50 elicits platonic feelings in the other person. And so what clearly happened here is this woman was definitely interested enough in this guy. She liked him. Probably was definitely down to hook up and sleep with him, but he was doing too much talking and texting on the phone. Too much contact initiation, too much trying to get to know her through the phone that he basically talked and texted her out of liking him. The phone is for setting dates. That’s one of the basic rules from The Book. And this is why you raise a woman’s attraction in person.

Just like anybody that’s in sales, know that you got to get the prospect across the table from you face to face, because that’s how you convince them to buy whatever it is you’re selling. Obviously, in this case, you’re selling you. “Hey, baby, want some dick?” That’s basically what you’re selling, but you’re not going to do it over the phone. You talk enough on the phone just to create rapport, and then you make a date. And so for you guys that are doing online dating, the one thing you got to understand is, is that rapport is a big thing.

So because normally if you’re meeting women in person, you’re meeting them through mutual friends or work or whatever, you’re going to get their number, you’re gonna get their address, you’re going to pick them up, you’re going to take them somewhere. But if you’re meeting somebody online or you barely talk to them, didn’t have enough time to create rapport, they don’t know you. You don’t know them. You don’t have any friend group or peer pressure from coworkers or mutual friends that introduced you or that know each other. Then something I would suggest in the day of the date, because normally you’re not going to call to verify when you got a girl’s address and you’re going to go pick her up and stuff like that.

When you know each other, you have mutual friends, and again, you’ve got the address and you’re going to pick her up at a certain time. There’s no reason to call to verify. But in this case, if you talked for maybe 5 or 10 minutes and you set your date a week in advance and it’s somebody online, you’re trying to avoid flakes and getting stood up. So if your date is at six, you could text her at 1 or 2 in the afternoon and say, “Hey, I’m running late at work. Can we meet at 6:30? Does that work for you?” Or, “Can we meet at 6:30 instead?” In other words, you’re just going to push the date back like a half hour. And that gives her the opportunity to say, “sure, that works.”

Or, “Oh, something came up.” Just again, you don’t want to be driving somewhere and then have the girl stand you up. That’s if you meet somebody online you never met in person. You didn’t really have any rapport. I would do something like that. But when you’re going to go pick her up, there’s no need to call to verify, because again, you’re going to her house. She knows you’re going to show up because she gave you the address. But the online dating, they can blow you off. And girls will make dates. They’ll make dates with 4 or 5 guys, and they’ll only go out with the one that they like the most.

After the 3^rd date, I reached out the next day to make plans.

Which I probably would have waited 3 to 5 days because you’ve got to give her some time after the date, because you’re trying to create the conditions where you are going slightly slower than she is. And if you go slower than she is. Her interest goes up faster, and therefore she reaches out to you more. And that’s what you’re trying to do. Everything in The Book is really to facilitate the woman pursuing you in every way. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. That means in phone calls, that means in physical touch when you’re together.

That means in contact initiation. That means asking for a relationship or hinting at a relationship, or asking where you think it’s going or what are your intentions. You’re creating the conditions where the woman is going to chase you in every way, and it’s a slow process to do that. And as she starts to chase you, you can back off your pursuit. That’s what’s supposed to happen. But you know, this guy is brand new in my work, so we can’t break his balls too much. But that’s how it’s supposed to go.

But when it’s 50/50, when I’m doing phone sessions, that’s one of the first things I’ll ask guys, “who’s calling who first? What percentage are you reaching out first? What percentage is she reaching out first?” And when it’s 50/50, I know at some point they’re going to get friend zoned. Because that’s what it does; it elicits platonic feelings. In other words, it dries the girl up and she goes from being turned on to turned off.

After the 3^rd date, I reached out the next day to make plans however she told me that she was occupied for the entire week.

Oh. Work’s crazy. I’m just so busy. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

I took this as a sign of disinterest. On top of that, she also didn’t make any attempts to reach out during this time.

So she probably had been reaching out initially, but because he was texting 50/50, she got bored. He wasn’t very mysterious. He probably told her his whole life story in text, so she became bored and didn’t really want to see him anymore.

This went on for a week. The following week, I sent her a text telling her that “I sensed she was disinterested and that this was fine, but I would appreciate her to be clear with her intentions”.

Never ever say something like that to a girl, Dude. That just shows you’re getting butthurt. You’re getting upset. That’s like, “Mommy. You’re not paying attention to me. I’m big mad.”

She wrote back saying that “She was interested in seeing me again and that she had been too busy to reach out”.

Sounds logical, but the reason real reason she didn’t reach out was she just wasn’t that into it.

I bought the excuse, and we saw each other for 2 more dates after that. Needless to say, it wasn’t the same.

Yeah, because the power is flipping at this point. She could tell that you care way more about her than she does about you, and now you’re whining and complaining that she’s not giving you enough attention and basically acting like a girl. So that ruins the sexual polarity. So she goes from being attracted to being dry as a bucket of sand.

In between date 4 and date 5, I was the one who was initiating text conversations.

The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody.

And it also felt like I was forcing the conversations as well.

Yeah. You’re pushing a wet noodle. You’re trying to get her to spend time with you and give you attention. In other words, you’re seeking her attention and approval. That’s a feminine quality. So you’re acting like a girl. Again, the phone is for setting dates, and you’re trying to get to know her, and you’re trying to get her to warm up to you and get her to like you more through text and conversations on the phone. And it has the opposite effect, as a matter of fact. Women like mystery, and there’s nothing mysterious when you’re in her face 24/7.

Since she made little to no effort to carry the conversation.

Yeah, she was bored and just being polite.

However when we met on dates, she was always present, attentive and I guess this was what made it confusing for me.

Well, she’s putting on a good act in person, but when she’s through text and she just seems bored, that’s the true nature. That’s why she’s also not reaching out. Scarcity creates value, and you’re way too abundant, way too clear, way too serious about your interest interests and your intentions.

After the 5^th date, I decided I had enough of over-investing in this dynamic where I was the one always initiating dates and text conversations and decided to not text her until she decided to reach out to me.

Well, in this case, I probably would have not done anything for two full weeks just to see if she reached out. And then I would have reached out one more time to try to set a date and see what her enthusiasm level was.

This has now gone on for more than 3 weeks and not sure what to do. Should I keep the No Contact rule? Was she ever interested to begin with?

Appreciate your help, Corey.

Bob

She definitely was in the beginning, but you talked to her and texted her out of liking you by over calling, over texting, over pursuing. And then on top of that, you started to complain that she wasn’t as interested in you as you were in her. So it’s just it’s not going to work when you do this. Women like a guy that’s confident and sure of himself, and guys that are used to getting what they want aren’t going to say the things that you said, and they’re not going to do the things that you do. They’re direct. They’re decisive. They get right to the point. If they reach out to the girl, they’re right to the point on making a date. “Hey, you. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” Simple as that.

You don’t need to, “Hey, how’s your day? What have you been up to? What’s new in your world?” Those are boring. And that’s the quickest way to get ghosted. Just make a date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Hang out. Have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced. He doesn’t really say anything about physical contact or a kiss or anything, so I don’t know actually if much happened on the dates.

Or maybe he just went out and acted like a eunuch and maybe kissed her on the cheek. He doesn’t even say anything about that. So. But he’s new. He’s a rookie. This is why you read The Book to clean up your game. So you cut out all of this nonsensical talking and texting on the phone and trying to get to know her. That way you just make dates, hang out, have fun, hook up. Usually by the third or fourth week after you slept together. That’s when she starts reaching out. But it looks like she was reaching out initially. But because you kept blowing her phone up, you bored her to death. You turned her off.

It was anti mysterious. You probably were saying things in text and phone calls that made you look weak and unattractive as well. And so our interests started out high and it just slowly declined until you didn’t make any effort, you thought she cared and now it’s been three weeks. So if I were you, I would reach out one more time. Just say, “Hey you, I’d love to catch up and see you. What’s your schedule like?” See what happens. She goes, “Oh, works. Crazy things are busy. I’m not sure.” Just say, “No problem. Well, I’d love to see you figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’ll talk to you later.”

And then just leave it at that. And if you never hear from her again. That’s it. But I’d make one more attempt. And then if you still get a lukewarm answer or she’s unsure of her schedule, just tell her, “to get back in touch when she figures it out”, and then never call or text her again for any reason. But this is why the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. You’re doing way too much pursuing. And when she started backing off, you started pursuing more until she just was making no effort. Bad, bad. Way to go. But keep reading The Book. Fill in your knowledge gap, because you got to stop doing all the things that are repulsive. Because this girl seemed to really like you at first and you talked her out of it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.