What you should do if you have been dating a woman on and off for several months and yet she still seems to be cold, unaffectionate, unappreciative and does not respect your time, so you can increase her attraction and cause her to fall in love with you and want to be with you all the time.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman off and on for a year and a half. A big part of his problem is that he’s made so many mistakes and acted so beta male on so many occasions, that he has basically become a, “break glass in case of emergency” backup male companion to her. From his email, I can tell he’s definitely still subtlety pursuing her even though she is often cold, unaffectionate, unappreciative, doesn’t respect him and often jerks him around.
Recently, he went to her college graduation, and even though they fooled around a little bit, it did not lead to sex. He’s only had sex with her one time in the year and a half. On top of that, she lives four hours away. He says he often thinks about ending things with her and asks me to analyze his recent in-person interactions and text exchanges with her. I give him my honest assessment of the situation and the chances of him turning things around so she starts treating him better, and appreciating him, instead of her rude, selfish and disrespectful behavior.
I’ve been on and off with this girl for a year and a half. We live four hours apart. I made a lot of mistakes in the past. (Do you really want to invest that much time and energy into somebody who’s not appreciating you?) In the present moment, I’m still fucking up, mostly for not being the leader and charming lover, but she still chases me. She’s the type of woman that only dates one guy at the time, very loyal. In November, she was pursuing me a lot. I had a phone coaching session on November 20th with you, and you told me to make dates. It was obvious she wanted to see me, and I was expecting her to be the man and ask me out. The following takes place after the phone coaching session.
The next day after the phone coaching, on November 21st, she texted me to invite me to her college graduation on December 5th, and I agreed. I know this was a mistake, because you shouldn’t agree to this until you are serious. The following week, I texted her and asked when she was free to get together. I made a definite date to get together on Sunday, November 30th. The days before the date, she was telling me that we should take a trip together at the end of December. It was kind of feeling like we were going back into a relationship. (You don’t go from being off and on to all of a sudden being in a relationship.) I felt it was too much, so I didn’t make plans. On Sunday, I got to her house and she cooked for me. After, I was massaging all of her body in bed, everything but her panties were off, and we almost had sex, but she was on her period. We only had sex one time in the past. After a while, she asked if we could go and do some errands with my car since she doesn’t have one, and I agreed — mistake! This is the type of thing a boyfriend would do, not when you’re just starting to date again. (It sounds like you are the backup guy in her life.) After the errands, I drove to this place where I wanted to go bowling, and she said she was too tired go to bowling. Then, we got something to eat and she asked where I was going next, so I told her I was driving back to my town since it was 10 pm. She said that she wouldn’t let me drive back, that I should stay with her the night. I agreed. (She needs to come to you. If you are really important, she will make the effort.)
She asked if I was going to her graduation before going to sleep, and I told her I would go. It was on a Friday, so we agreed that I would stay with her from Thursday to Saturday. However, I didn’t make a definite time to meet her so the next day after, when I was back in my town, she texted me. (You aren’t standing up for yourself and you have a history of being the break glass in case emergency guy.) I told her a time I would be there on Thursday night. She then said that she was going to a concert with her best friend and that she could send me the keys. I did the takeaway and told her that I was going there to spend time with her, and if she was going to a concert, I’d rather meet her the next day at the graduation. (You should tell her you don’t sound like a high priority in her life, and if that’s how she thinks of you, you will pass on making the drive there for her graduation.) She then said that she wasn’t going to the concert because she had to get her hair done. Again, I told her that her schedule was up in the air, so I’d rather meet her at the graduation. She then said that I didn’t want to see her. I said I wanted to see her, but I needed a definite time to meet her. Then, I had a time to meet her, Thursday at 8. On Wednesday, she said that her mom was going to stay with her after the graduation on Friday. I told her I’d go back to my town or stay at a hotel after the graduation. (I would have withdrawn the offer to go see her.) On Thursday, my car broke down and I couldn’t go, so I called her and told her what happened, and that I was going on the bus the next day. I got there the next day, and she asked me if I could bring a sandwich for lunch and she would pay for it. I said yes, and I bought one for me too. When I got there, I didn’t know if I should’ve asked her to pay me for the sandwich. What do you think Corey? (You should have tested her integrity to see if she would have paid for the sandwich. You are getting used.) She didn’t even ask to pay. I didn’t bring it up. So during graduation day, she was very cold and distant, but I wasn’t chasing her. Then, at the end, her mom stayed with her sister, and I stayed with her. This was the first time I was hanging out with her family. She was so cold in bed. I touched her a little, bit but she was so cold, I just stopped and went to sleep. (She needs to know she is being a cold fish, and it’s not working for you. If you don’t feel loved and appreciated, you are leaving.)
I now realize that I didn’t have a plan, I wasn’t being the leader, and was just going along with almost everything. The next day, when I got home, she texted to see if I got home safely. Two days later, she texted me asking if she had done something to bother me during the graduation, and also sent me a photo of us with her title. I said no, only that she was a little distant, but I thought it was normal because it was a very exciting day in her life, and there were a lot of things on her mind. (This is just more of the typical nice guy, kiss her ass behavior.) A few days later, she reached out just to talk a little bit. After this, six days went by with no contact. Then, I sent her the pictures I had taken of the graduation, and the next day I asked her what days she was free to get together. (Now you’re going back to pursuing. Why would you reach out to a girl who is treating you this way?) Then she said, “I don’t know.” I said, “what do you mean you don’t know? When are you free to get together?” Again, she replied with, “I don’t know.” I told her to get back to me when she figured out her schedule, and I’d love to see her. I noticed that her interest dropped, and I did something to turn her off.
After eight days of no contact, on December 27th, she texted, “Merry Christmas.” I told her “Merry Christmas,” and asked her what days she was free. Again, she said, “I don’t know, maybe on Tuesday.” I did the takeaway, and she didn’t like it. I told her I would only get together with her if she could give me a definite day, place and time to get together. She said that she lives in the present moment and can’t make plans in advance. I said, “Well, a month ago when I went to see you, we made plans a week in advance, and now you tell me this.” I had to call her out on her bullshit. I told her that I didn’t want any bad vibes between us, and I was trying to communicate to her that if she wants to see me in the future, “maybe” was not acceptable for me. Because I have things to do, and won’t wait until the last minute for a “maybe,” I’d rather pass and leave it for some other time when she was definitely available to come visit me. I also told her to let me know a few days in advance when she was available, and we would make plans then. I said, “Talk to you then. I wish you happy holidays.” She replied, “Okay, same to you.”
I asked her out twice already, so when she contacts me in the future, I’ll just keep it short and tell her I’m busy without being a dick. I know I need to lead better and have an agenda for the dates. Many times, I have thought of ending things with her because things won’t go anywhere, but I know now that it is my fault, and she’s only responding to how I’m showing up. (You’re still driving four hours away for her to treat you like a second class citizen. Tell her if she wants to see you, she can make the trip to see you in your town. Let her know you want somebody who is enthusiastic and values your time. Have some self-respect and stand up for yourself.) It’s also hard fighting against all of my bad behaviors from the past, which she remembers. I’m looking forward to your take on this.
My response to him:
I would not have asked her to pay for the sandwich, unless you wanted to test to see her reaction. If you would’ve asked her, “Hey where’s the money for the sandwich?” and she got irritated, you should have mentioned that she told you she was gong to pay for it. But now that she’s getting irritated for not following through on her commitments, that’s not cool. It’s simply a test of her integrity. You also should have waited to hear from her before you sent the pictures. It’s obvious to me from your email that when you didn’t hear from her, you sent the pictures to try to force something to happen, and that’s why she was cold.
The real problem you have with this girl is, you made so many mistakes in the past that made you look weak she’s already formed an opinion of you. That’s why you should be dating other women, and not be putting so much time and energy into this girl who’s really cold, distant, has a shitty attitude, doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t appreciate your time. On top of that, she lives four hours away. So from now on, when she reaches out, don’t ask her out unless she brings it up first. Never contact her again. You must wait to hear from her 100% of the time. You’re still subtly chasing her and letting her get away with jerking you around. If you are out meeting and dating other women in your city, you wouldn’t be so inclined to drive four hours away to be with a chick who seems to treat you like a second class citizen.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The greatest gift that you can give someone is the gift of your time. You should treat your time like it’s the most precious thing in the world to you. If you do, then you will no longer allow other people to waste your time, take you for granted, disrespect you or treat you like a second-class citizen. When people value and respect your time, you give them the gift of more of your time. When people treat you harshly, take you for granted, or treat you like a disposable commodity, you should give them the gift of missing you. If you value, love and respect yourself, you will make sure and only allow people into your life and inner circle that treat you that way.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne