She’s Distant & Has An Avoidant Attachment Style. What Now?

What you can do while dating a woman with an avoidant attachment style.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24 year old viewer from Kharkiv, Ukraine. He’s been seeing 2 different women. The one he has the most chemistry with has an avoidant attachment style. She became distant about 10 days after their best date and wouldn’t make another date. He hasn’t heard from her in 3 weeks. He wonders if he should move on or how long to wait for her to reengage. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She’s Distant & Has An Avoidant Attachment Style. What Now?”

Well, this particular email is from a 24 year old guy from Kharkiv, Ukraine. He’s been seeing two different women and one of them asked him to be kind of serious after the second date. And the other one he thinks he says he’s got more chemistry with, she’s kind of become about, you know, after about ten days, he says, after their best date that they ever had, um, she became distant and then wouldn’t make another date.

She’s just like, oh, maybe we’ll see. And so she’s told him, I guess they had this really deep, heavy conversation. And then she kind of disappeared. And now he’s like, I haven’t heard from her in three weeks. Do I wait around? When is she going to reengage or should I just start dating other girls? So he’s got a couple of things going on.

Obviously, number one, if you’re learning the book and you’re trying to master it, until you get serious with somebody, it is helpful to have a little practice squad going of at least three different women. You can have a favorite, but the idea is you’re always trying to improve the girls that you’re dating and you’re seeing, and then over time, you’ll gradually just end up spending more and more time with the girl you click with the most and who likes you the most as well.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach Corey Wayne,

My name is Bob, I’m a 24 year old electronics engineer from Kharkiv, Ukraine. First of all, thank you — I’ve read How to Be a 3% Man and have re-read some chapters multiple times. Your work has helped me become more present, and intentional in my relationships. I’m writing to you because I’m currently navigating confusing situation involving two women with completely different emotional dynamics.

The first is a woman I recently started dating. On our second date, she told me she wants to be in a serious relationship with me. She also updated her Telegram status to express her love. She’s warm, emotionally open, and initiates both affection and intimacy — including oral sex just 10 minutes into our first date.

Well all right. That’s a hell of a way to start off the first date. You get to dessert first. Nice girl.

I gave her a “relationship manifest” I use to clarify values and expectations, and she embraced the idea.

That’s pretty heavy topic for a first date, dude.

She’s now going away for a month, and I told her I need time to reflect, and that I will give her my honest answer when she returns. I appreciate her, but I’m still uncertain if my attraction is fully aligned.

Yeah, you got a date. It’s too soon to be, you know, getting into a serious relationship, that typically, girls that do that are often come from a broken home. So there might be a missing dad in her past or bad relationship with her dad. Because that’s typically, I mean, a girl wanting to be exclusive on the second date. That’s pretty typically needy. Women are raising good families. They’re just going to take their time and see how it goes, because there’s no way to get to know somebody on two dates.

At the same time, there’s another woman I’ve been seeing over the past few months. We had powerful chemistry, strong initial connection, on last dates – deep conversations. However, she has an avoidant attachment style — after last date where she opened up to me very emotionally and shared her secrets (her feelings become more obvious) she gradually pulled away and stopped initiating entirely.

So that’s what typically happens with the avoidant attachment person tends to run away when they feel like you’re getting a little too close. And so on top of that, if you’re making mistakes, they’re going to stay away even longer. Whereas if you’re dating a normal, healthy woman and you’re making mistakes, this guy’s, you know, having really serious conversations with these girls about a future. It’s just, it’s kind of too early to be having that. And so that would make sense to why she would just all sudden go cold after you had a real serious talk. And he did the same thing with the first girl. Remember, the book says no heavy subjects. Keep it fun. Keep it light.

When I invited her on a date a few weeks ago, 10 days after what I felt was our best date, she said, “we’ll see”. And later told me she couldn’t make it, but never suggested another time.

So I guess they had a tentative date and she canceled it.

It’s now been almost three weeks of silence, though she still watches my stories started mirroring me passively on Instagram, yes exactly copying my style of photo. I’ve held frame and haven’t reached out since.

So did she cancel a date or did you accept a maybe date? Because if she says, “we’ll see.” As the book says, that’s a “maybe” date. It sounds like you agreed to a “maybe” date. And usually when you agree to a maybe date, when a woman says, “we’ll see”, or, “maybe” it means, “no.” And so you shouldn’t have done that because that obviously is something right out of the book. So what I would have done is she says, “well, maybe” or “we’ll see.” I would have said, “well, if you’re not sure if you can make it on Tuesday or whatever, then give me a day and time that you know you’re definitely free.” That would have been my response.

Or you could have just said, that when she says, “we’ll see.” “Well, if it’s not a good time, we can always do it another night” and don’t say anything after that and see what she says using “The Takeaway.” But he didn’t do that. He agreed to a “maybe” date, which communicates you don’t really value your time and you don’t mind having it wasted. So that’s why you made a maybe date. And then she said she couldn’t make it. So it tells me your interest is going in the wrong direction. Because a lot of guys want to look at this and say, “Oh, it’s their avoidant attachment style” which contributes.

But at the end of the day, you’re having these really serious subjects and conversations that quite frankly, it’s out of sequence. So you’re talking about your future instead of just hanging out, having fun and hooking up. And that’s a you problem. So that’s not doing a good job of applying what’s in the book, being too focused on a relationship and locking her down and getting too serious too soon, paying attention only to your feelings for her, and ignoring the fact that her interest in you is not as high.

Because when women sense that you’re way more to them than you, then they are into you. You’re going to get pullback. So she’s still watching the story. So if if you hadn’t heard from her in a couple of weeks. Again, if it was a cancelled date because it was kind of I’m not really sure if it was, but it just sounds like he made a maybe date. And so it was kind of an up in the air. Well see. And he’s like, okay, let me know. And of course she cancelled which you never except a maybe date.

So just being a little sloppy like that. If it’s just that she didn’t didn’t agree to a date and you haven’t heard from her in three weeks, I’d try reaching out one more time. Just try to set a date. And if she gives you the same flaky response or is noncommittal, just say, “hey, well, you know, figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’d love to see you.” And then just leave it at that and never call or text her again for any reason.

Now I’m at a crossroads. Do I keep waiting for the avoidant girl to return?

You should be waiting for any girl. You should have 2 to 3, ideally. Ideally three. One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three is a proper choice. And when you’re trying to learn the book, it’s helpful to have three different women you’re talking to. And you’re whole mindset is like, I’ve got to get a girlfriend. And so you’re too serious too soon with the first girl. And same thing with this one. So it’ll be interesting to see after the other girl returns from a month of being away. If she re-engages with you or she goes cold as well.

Do I keep waiting for the avoidant girl to return  knowing how unpredictable and emotionally draining that dynamic has been? Or should I give my full attention to the woman who is clearly choosing me — even though I don’t yet feel the same level of chemistry?

Well, I would get some other; I would find yourself a couple other girls to date and stop putting all your eggs in one basket and spend the time with the book. There’s no shortcuts to success, and you’re focused on locking a girl down to a relationship and getting all serious, when in reality you’ve got to take measured steps like the book teaches. So you’re basically violating principles in the book. And it looks like the second one is the one that you like the most, but you came on too strong talking about your future too much. And the more you talk about your future with a girl before she starts bringing it up. The lower the chances are that you’re actually going to have a future with her.

I want to lead from strength, not desperation or guilt. My question is: How long should I wait for someone with an avoidant pattern before accepting it’s over?

Well, again, I’d reach out one more time to try to set a date, and then if she gives you the same wishy washy answer, just tell her you know, once her schedule clears up to get back in touch because you’d love to see her, and then never call her or text her again for any reason. You know, I can tell you don’t really know the book that well. And so you’re getting kind of hung up, and now you put your personal life on hold, waiting for this girl to reach back out. That’s not what the book teaches. So you need to spend more time with it. Stop trying to be a cherry picker. It doesn’t work.

And with the new, anxious girl — how do I lead the relationship slowly and confidently without rushing into something just because she’s emotionally available?

Thank you for everything you share, and for the clarity you bring to so many of us worldwide.

Warm regards,


Bob

Kyiv, Ukraine

You’ve got to read the book, Dude. You’ve got to learn the basics. Did he even say if he read the book at all? Um. Okay, so he’s read it once and then read reread a few chapters. You’re cherry picking, Dude. Don’t do that. It doesn’t work. That’s part of the problem, is you’re just trying to get the basics and learn a few things to improve your game, but you don’t really understand the philosophy. And that’s why you’re making unnecessary mistakes because you’re cherry picking. The idea is read the book 10 to 15 times, get to know it so well you could teach a class on it.

And reading it once and then reading a couple of select chapters. That’s not what I instructed you to do. It’s not what’s instructed in the beginning of the book. You got to take this seriously. So you’re making unnecessary mistakes. So you got to clean up your game, get some other choices and some other options. You got to spend the time with the book. When I say read it 10 to 15 times, I mean it. I’m not talking out my ass. This is why you read it 10 to 15 times, because you don’t know it well enough and you’re making mistakes, and it looks like you’ve turned this second girl off.

So that’s why if you’re trying to learn and try and apply it, it helps to have at least three girls that you’re practicing with. Of course, you’ll always have a favorite and least favorite, but as you’re continuing to meet new women and bring them into your inner circle or your world, so to speak, that gives you the chance to practice. Because if one gets a little cold and a little distant, then you focus on another one. When you got nothing else going on, you’ll tend to obsess over one girl, call too much, text too much, do and say inappropriate things kind of like you’re doing.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.