She’s Flaky & Only Seems To Care When I Stop Pursuing

What it means when a woman is flaky but starts pursuing when you stop caring.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who was hooking up with a girl from his friend group. However, she was inconsistent, took days to reply and seemed disinterested. Every time he backs off and stops caring she starts pursuing and becoming aggressive. He got upset after her last series of lukewarm responses when he tried to set the next date and walked away. He’s questioning his actions.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She’s Flaky & Only Seems To Care When I Stop Pursuing”.

Well, the difference that makes the difference is indifference. I think the first person I heard that from was Brent Smith, like 20 years ago. And I was like, that is, that’s one of the best things, best lines that I’ve ever heard. That’s so true. And so this particular email is from a guy he was hooking up with a girl that’s kind of in his friend group. I think she’s the sister of his buddy’s girlfriend or something like that. But she’s been kind of inconsistent.

I think she just had a breakup before they started hooking up. Sometimes she takes days to reply. It almost seems like she’s disinterested. So a couple of times he’s just kind of like giving up. He’s like, “well, I guess she doesn’t like me.” He backs off and then a week or so later, she reaches back out and wants to hang out, and then they hook up again.

And so what he’s starting to notice is like when he doesn’t really give a shit, and he’s backed off, she becomes aggressive and starts pursuing him. But recently he was trying to set a date. And so he got a series of like lukewarm response oh, I’m busy, I can’t, I got this, I got that. In other words, she’s just not enthusiastic to see him. She’s not really, really willing to open her schedule. And so he used the takeaway. But what he basically was like, take care, have a nice life. It wasn’t really the takeaway.

And because he’s getting upset that she’s not super excited. So he just broke it off because he’s like, “hey, you know, I really want to spend my time with somebody that’s excited to see me and I’m not getting that vibe here. And like, take care.” Which is basically, “hey, have a nice life.” When you say “take care.” And she just said, “take care” with a smiley face. In other words, she didn’t really give a shit. So we know her interest is low.

But what’s interesting is that when he just stops giving a damn and doesn’t pay her any mind or attention, as you’ll see here, I guess she was having a party and their mutual friends brought him to her place, and they ended up hooking up that night because he was talking to another girl. And so I suspect he also has a little bit going on and what I was going on. In other words, he’s not at the place where he’s got the balance between pursuing too much and not enough figured out yet.

And so he still cares a little too much and is probably over-communicating his interest at times, because he says he struggles with anxiety and OCD and confidence issues. So what that means is he presupposes the worst, which is obviously not always the right thing. And as soon as he thinks this girl is history, then she comes back. Just like the girl I wrote about in my book who we went to her parents bar, my buddy and I, and she just kept getting pulled away.

And we talked to her for like two minutes. Barely somebody else is coming over. “Oh, come talk to me, blah, blah, blah.” And after that happened 3 or 4 times and I’m just sitting there waiting for her to come back. My buddies are like, “let’s get out here. That girl doesn’t give a shit about you.” And so we leave and the next morning, like 9:01 a.m., I’m hungover, phones ringing.

She’s like, “hey, where’d you go? I looked everywhere for you.” I was like, “what? Huh?” Like, she didn’t act like she didn’t give a shit. The problem was I cared too much. I cared way more about her than she did about me. And I took everything personally. I took everything as a slight. Even my buddy was like he was good with women. But it was the right call us leaving the fact that I wasn’t there when she tried to find me the next time we were just gone.

Like we were like ghosts. We were like the wind. It turned her on and she became more aggressive. At the time. It made no fucking sense to me at all. But obviously now it’s like, it’s so predictable. And I suspect this guy’s got part of the same issue going on, is he just hasn’t overcome that yet. So he kind of messed up and stepped in it a little bit here. I wouldn’t handle things, but it’s clear her interest isn’t super high.

But again, as soon as he’s like, doesn’t give a shit and pays her no attention, then she’s coming on to him. And some women are like that. It’s like, you know, I’ve talked about I remember there was a girl like this back when I was working. I was in real estate. And one of the other girls that I worked with was very attractive. She was seeing one of the other guys that worked for me, and they were kind of hooking up.

And so she invited one of her girlfriends to come out. And the girl, I mean, she had a nice body. I wouldn’t even say she was cute. And so we were all sitting down at dinner and having sushi and joking around, and she just, you know, wasn’t really fun to talk to, wasn’t engaging, was just kind of like, had an attitude. I was just thinking, I want to have a good time tonight. This chick’s got attitude.

We had a VIP table at, you know, back in the day at John Morgan’s club. It’s called Taboo. That night it was back when they had sushi there and everything. And so I had other girls that were meeting me there. There was, you know, some strippers that we knew they were coming over. And I think it was like 10 or 12 of us are going to be there and a bunch of hot girls. And so, you know, I was just thinking, I’m just being nice to this girl because, you know, she’s the friend of one of the girls that works for me.

And we’re going out and all having a good time. And she’s got this attitude, this holier than thou attitude. It was just like. And so as soon as we got out of the restaurant, I’m just walking in front of everybody. We walk right in, you know, a little velvet rope. Hey, Corey, how are you? Good to see you. You know, I go up to the VIP place where our table is. We sit down. I don’t even sit next to her.

And then a little while later, all these hot girls show up and they’re hanging out with us. And, uh, it’s sometime, like, around 11 or 12:00 at night. I didn’t even really know where she was. I occasionally I would look over and she’s on the side table and I’m talking to some other girls. I look and she’s like looking at me. And then at some point she comes over and whispers in my ear and she’s like, is there some place where you and I could go to be alone?

It was just I was like, all right. So I paid the tab and we left. We went back to my place and hooked up. And I remember the next day, the girl who worked for me, she came to my office and she was laughing and, uh, she was talking to, had talked to her girlfriend and, uh, she’s like, well, what happened? She’s like, did you sleep with Corey? And she’s like, yeah. She’s like, do you like Corey? She’s like, no. She’s like, well, why did you sleep with him? Because he wasn’t paying attention to me. He was ignoring me.

He was talking to all these other girls. All right. You know, I heard that it was like I kind of felt the same way. And I remember when she walked out the next morning, I just opened the door. I was like, hey, take care. It’s like, have a nice life. I never saw her again after that. Never talked to her. I didn’t have any desire to.

But that’s gonna happen sometimes, you just act like you don’t give a shit and it pisses them off and they basically offer the pussy on a silver platter. So you think, well, that doesn’t make any sense. But that’s the way women are, man. I’m just here to tell you that’s how it is. And you should understand that and not get butthurt. Especially not be like super nice, which I suspect also maybe this guy is doing a little bit of that too. But I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I’ve been following your work for about four years and have read How to Be a 3% Man six times and am currently on my seventh read. I’m 28, an infantry veteran, and although I’m in the best shape of my life, I still struggle with anxiety, OCD, and confidence issues.

Well, knowing the book and seeing it work will build your confidence. Also, doing the Consciousness Exercises that are on my YouTube. There’s a playlist of 12 of them, Stages 1 through 12 and the home page, my YouTube channel. If you just scroll to the bottom with Doctor D’Anna, he demonstrates them for you. So I would say at least three days a week.

Do those in front of your TV and see how you feel, it’s life changing. It’s kind of weird and silly. It’s a lot of breathing and stuff like that. But, you know, especially if you’ve done yogic breathing and stuff or done yoga, it, it really makes you feel awesome, but after you have done it. Put on your big screen and spend an hour, hour and a half, three times a week doing it. It will change your life and your physiology.

I put the book away during my last year-long relationship, which ended badly.

Well, you should go to at least every six months. A lot of guys do that. They’re getting laid and they’re like, “man, I’ve got this. I’m on easy street.” Then they stop reading the book. And when they really need to understand the relationship wisdom in the book, they’re not even looking at it anymore. What you observe, you participate in. So they’re no longer participating in the book. They’re participating in the culture, watching TV and movies, and getting brainwashed, and then they go back to sleep.

There’s a 23-year-old woman I’ve liked for a while. She’s the sister of my best friend’s girlfriend. When I met her, she was in a long-term relationship with a guy who cheated on her and treated her poorly.

It’s like being an asshole. It fucking works. And it’s like, when we went to the club that night. They were like, Corey’s kind of an asshole. I was like, I just didn’t give a shit. I was like, I’m not going to give any attention to a girl that acts like she’s some fucking smoke show. And she’s got a great body, but everything was great, but her face. So I’m like, you know, her attitude does not match her hotness, which is really unattractive. So I just gave other girls with a better attitude my attention. And I was like, ding, ding. And again, you’re going to see the same stuff happening playing out with this girl.

After they broke up, I asked her to grab a bite with me. She gave me a “haha okay” and eventually told me she wasn’t interested in a boyfriend or anything serious. I accepted it and stopped pursuing her.

So again, he probably gave off a vibe. He was really into her, too into her. More into her than she was into him. And she’s just coming out of a relationship where she got cheated on.

Later, our mutual friends brought me to her party.

So here’s what he did right. And I know it doesn’t make sense, especially if you get new guys or there’s like, women are like, what the fuck? But they’re very predictable when you understand how they operate. Because women have to get our attention. If they were not able to get our attention with their looks and their body, we would have no use for them.

So they understand that physically they must enchant us and get our attention. Otherwise, we’re not going to pay any attention to them at all. Women like a guy that’s a challenge. They want a guy that they have to work for. Even if they say they don’t really like them, they’ll sleep with you just because. Just like, you know the story I was telling you about earlier, it’s the way they’re wired.

Later, our mutual friends brought me to her party, I mostly ignored her besides hugging her at the door and I talked to other people the entire night. Another girl there told everyone she liked me, and this seemed to make her jealous.

Well, that’s another thing is, I had several examples in the book as well. Women see you or hear about you with another really hot girl. It flips a switch and they become really competitive. “I’m hotter than her. Who’s that chick he thinks she is?”

That night she was telling everyone I was spending the night with her and we ended up hooking up.

You see how that works? I’m not looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. What does the book say? Focus on creating the opportunity for sex to happen. Not getting into a relationship. When girls are ready, they’ll bring it up.

After, I tried setting an actual date and got a “maybe,” which I took as a no.

Well, I’d have to assume the sex was eh, might have been subpar. That’s another thing. If a girl’s not excited to fuck you again, sex probably wasn’t that great.

Months later she invited me out. At the bar she couldn’t stop touching me and wanting to hold my hand everywhere in the bar, and asked to come back to my place. During the Uber ride she kept initiating physical contact and I’d pull back and she would place my hand back on her thigh.

Well, maybe Chad Thunder Cock blew her off and she reached out to you. Again, she’s in a different headspace, and she wants to get some strange.

At my apartment we talked, used the look at her lips and then back at her trick.

So that’s “The Kiss Test” he’s talking about.

To which she smiled and asked what and I said “oh you know why don’t you just get over here” and made out, and she seemed ready to take things further, but she had to leave because her roommate was having a meltdown.

Oh, that sounds swell.

Before leaving, she talked about another guy who was friends with the guy her roommate was seeing and had broke off from them and the guy immediately began touching her face and smacked her playfully across her face and she asked him to leave. I laughed and told her she was fucking around with the wrong dudes.

Yeah, she’s probably not a good judge of character.

She also suggested coming over the next night, although that never happened.

Yeah, I think you just are over communicating your interest and she knows she’s kind of got the power over you. That’s why you got together but then you didn’t hook up. But it sounds like you’re getting together and like doing group things. That’s another part of the problem. So the people there basically cockblocked you and got in the way of the seduction happening.

The following weekend she texted saying she wanted to see me. I picked her up because she doesn’t like taking Ubers alone. We hung out, talked, made out and pulled back while making out and had very good Indoor Olympics. She commented that I remembered details from previous conversations and gave me “bonus points” for listening.

So he is doing that part right. I just think he’s over communicating his interests and she’s getting a little cocky. Because if her interest isn’t super high and she knows you really like her, then she’s like, eh. She looks just like a cat. She looks for another ball of yarn to play with.

The next weekend she invited me over and had fun with good conversations and we hooked up again. 

See how that works? Nice little booty call.

After that, I waited for her to reach out, with communication always being inconsistent with many days without hearing from her.

That is normal, dude. It’s not your girlfriend. So this tells me you’re getting butthurt and you’re getting upset. And as you said, you tend to get anxious. So you assume the worst. You assume that’s it, it’s over. She’s done with me. And then she reaches back out.

She snapped me and I texted her and I asked her on a specific date to a specific place, she said she had work until 9:30 pm and a friend’s birthday after.

Well, that’s why I always say, well, when are you free to get together?

I asked when she was free and she took another whole day to reply and got more excuses, saying she had doctor appointments and that never has stopped her from going out to bars or seeing friends.

So this again kind of pissed him off. What you’re looking at though, you know, something else to keep in mind is she’s kind of treating you like an occasional booty call. She maybe she does like having sex with you. But it’s like when you try to do official dates and stuff like that, she’s blowing you off. And so if she’s reaching out and she says, “I want to see you.” Just say, well, “come over. Come over tonight at eight.” All right.

If it’s already like 8 or 9:00, she says, “hey, I want to see you. Like, come over.” That’s all you got to say. “Well, I don’t want to take an Uber.” It’s like, “all right, I’ll come pick your ass up.” So then you go pick her up and bring her back. Sounds like she doesn’t have a car. So there’s that.

Or maybe they live in a city and everybody takes buses and trains. But she takes Ubers or doesn’t like taking Ubers. So here’s the text exchange. And again, I wouldn’t have said this, but I mean, quite frankly, she’s not super into him. But it still was an occasional booty call. So let’s see.

He said: Here

She said: Come on in. Front door

So I guess the last time he just went over for the booty call. And so this is a Wednesday at 6:56 p.m. he initiates texts.

He said: We should grab drinks on Friday at *******

I would have been saying, “hey you, I want to see. We should go out and grab drinks. What’s your schedule like?” That’s what I would do.

She said:  I work until 9:30 and then will probably be going to a friend’s birthday on Friday.

He said: When works for you?

She said: With all the doctor stuff I have going on I’m not 100% sure. Just because we are waiting for results, I just can’t this weekend for sure.

My response to that would have been, “hey, no problem. Well, when your schedule frees up or you get your results, I’d love to see you hit me up.” That’s all you’ve got to say. Dating is like tennis. But instead he’s just like, “yeah, fuck off.” Which this is fine too, because again, her interest isn’t super high, but I would not be responding this way because again, it was an occasional booty call.

He said: I’d really like to see you but I like to spend time with people who are excited to see me and I’m not getting that vibe. Take care:)

She said: Take care:)

So when you say, “take care” to a woman, it’s basically, “hey, have a nice life. I’m out.” I wouldn’t have done that. But if we just look at our previous actions, I would be prepared if I’m this guy for her in a couple weeks to go, “hey”, maybe it’s 8:00, 9:00 at night. If you get a “hey.” Then just say, “come over.” Text her the address. And if she says, “oh, I don’t want to take an Uber alone. Come pick me up.” If she’s like a half hour or 45 minutes away, he’s like, “no, I’m not coming to pick you up. If you text me, if you want to see me hop in the Uber, just share it with me and I can follow you the whole way here.” You want her to do what you tell her. She’s like, “okay.”

And then she’ll probably come over, fuck your brains out. And when she leaves, just say, “call me later.” I wouldn’t do anything. I would never call. I would never initiate contact with a girl like this. Because if you kind of notice by now, it’s every time he reaches out to her to try to set a date, she’s flaky. She did say, I’m not looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. So what she is down to do is to hook up, non-attached sex, which you were getting. So you just have to have a easy going, easy to get along attitude. You’re just indifferent to it. You’re not really bothered. You could take it. You could leave. It doesn’t really matter.

My question is: Were we just friends with benefits the whole time?

That’s what it looks like.

Did I somehow mess things up with the takeaway method, or is this likely the last time I hear from her?

Well, you definitely messed it up. I wouldn’t have said things the way I did. You know, you got a little butthurt and that shows you cared a little too much. That was part of your problem. But there’s at least a 50/50 chance that in a few weeks, she reaches out. Because remember what happened when you set a load or when you came to her party, and then you spent the rest of the evening talking to other people, and then she announces, everybody, hey, we’re basically fucking. I mean, she might as well said that. But I mean, that’s pretty obvious.

So your indifference got rewarded by her giving it up and announcing to everybody that she was giving it up to you so. If it was me, I’d just be treating her like an occasional booty call. If she reaches out, she’s down to hook up. So instead of thinking, oh, I’ve got to take her on a date, just invite her over, hang out, have fun, hook up. If her interest goes up and she starts treating you better and you spend a bunch of time together and it seems like she’s really starting to dig you, then maybe occasionally take her out on a date.

But if it’s me the next three times, I’d make her come to your place. Even though she says she doesn’t like the Uber, just say, “well, just share your location with me and then I’ll know where you’re at and you can share the car with me. You know, your Uber driver, so I know who you’re with and where you’re at and all that stuff.” That should be enough, because I wouldn’t drive over to pick her up after, you know, this kind of attitude. But like I said, I think there’s a good chance that she’s gonna reach back out at some point when she gets bored.

Because again, if we look at when she was willing to see him, it was basically, “hey, come over.” He’d go to her place, they’d hook up that kind of thing. But now, because she’s telling him how busy she is and she’s waiting on doctor, this or that, I would make her drive to you. Even if she protests, just say, “well, you know, I’m not going to come pick you up. Not tonight. I’m just tired. It’s been a long week. You know, take an Uber, share it with me and just get your ass over here.” That should be your attitude.

If she goes, “okay, great.” “Share your location. Share the Uber ride with me so I know where you’re at. And if something happens, I’ll jump in my car with my rifle and I’ll take care of business.” Don’t do that. Don’t say that. But like I said again, I suspect she’ll be back. So send us an email in another month or so. Let us know what happened next. I’d be surprised if you don’t hear from her again. just because you’ve got mutual friends. And I think she likes having sex with you. It’s what it seems like.

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