She’s Hot & Cold & The Romance Isn’t Really Progressing

What it means when she’s hot & cold & the romance isn’t progressing towards a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27-year-old viewer from Scotland who’s read 3% Man 15 times. He’s been seeing a woman off and on for about seven months. When they met, she was two months out of a two year relationship. She has always been hot and cold. She does 100% of the pursuing, but sometimes he doesn’t hear from her for a month.

He recently posted a picture of himself with some other women and he hasn’t heard from her in two weeks now. He wonders if that was a bad move. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This guy is 27, he’s a viewer from Scotland, he’s read 3% Man 15 times. He says he’s been seeing a woman off and on for about seven months. When they first met, she was two months out of a two year relationship. He said she’s always been hot and cold. She does 100% of the pursuing, but he says sometimes he doesn’t hear from her for a whole month. So he recently went and posted a picture of himself on his social media with a couple of other girls, and he’s like, “I haven’t heard from her in two weeks.” Now he’s wondering if that’s a bad move.

The thing we got to keep in mind is that when he first met her, she was out of a two year relationship for only two months, so that’s not really enough time to for her to really get over this other guy. The fact that he’s been seeing her for seven months and she’s always hot and cold, it’s kind of hard to tell if he’s doing everything right. I mean, she’s doing 100% of the pursuing, so it might be possible he might have been too much of a cold fish. The fact that you’re seven months down the road, she’s doing 100% of the pursuing, and then she’ll disappear for a month at a time, she could be dating somebody else. Maybe she’s a little messed up. What I do see is this behavior from her is not really normal, so because of that, I wouldn’t be putting too much stock in this woman as a romantic prospect. When somebody’s hot and cold and they disappear like that, it’s to be expected. I talked about that in the book. If you start dating a girl that’s recently out of a long term relationship, that’s what you’re going to see. In those cases, you got to let her come to you at her pace.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m a 27-year-old man from Scotland, I’ve read 3% Man over 15 times and it’s changed my life, I’m not perfect yet but I wanted to tell you about my journey and ask for some insight.

When I first found your work I was in a very dark place, there was no joy in my life, I was unable to express myself with other people, never mind women. I found it really hard to fully be myself after years of suppressing my true self because I was scared of what others thought of me, plus I grew up with parents who never expressed themselves either. Over the years, your work helped me on a journey that saw me go from hiding in life, to feeling like the kind of man that can allow others around me to be themselves fully and unconditionally, and it feels amazing. I got into martial arts, yoga, theater, I even tried Reiki, all things to help me flow in life and truly express myself.

I recently started seeing a beautiful woman, who I really clicked with and we’ve been seeing each other off/on again for seven months, she was two months out of a two year relationship where she was cheated on, so she was very raw, it really challenged me because she was so hot and cold. But I have always allowed her to come and go, she says she loves how calm and chill I am, it really gave me the chance to love another person and allow them to be free, which was a beautiful experience.

Well, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

There’s times where I feel she’s in love with me but neither of us have said I love you, we’ve just said things similar to it but not the words themselves and she’s cried a few tears (In a good way, LOL) after we’ve had sex before.

I don’t know what that means. Does that mean she was sharing something? The sex was so good, she had to have a good cry after it? It just doesn’t sound normal. You have sex with the girl you’ve been seeing for seven months, and she’s, “Ahhh!” That doesn’t sound normal.

Again, nothing about this woman’s behavior seems kind of normal, but for this particular guy, it’s good that he’s dating somebody like this because it builds emotional muscle, it builds self-control, and it helps him to resist the urge to over pursue and to chase after somebody, especially when they’re so hot, then all of a sudden they go so cold. Whether things progress with this girl or the next girl, this is going to really help him do more things right than when he’s with a woman that really matters.

Sometimes a month would go past between her contacting me, but when we went out it was electric, the sex was fantastic, she would always say how we’re like magnets to each other sexually, and would say she loves how dominant I am. At one point she said I’m a problem because she doesn’t want to be with anybody else, and would masturbate for hours after I’d left thinking about the time we just had.

Again, that just doesn’t seem like normal behavior, especially if you just plowed her fields properly. Maybe she’s a little bit of a nymphomaniac. Maybe she’s a bit of a screwball.

I went to a music festival with my friends and was having a great time. There were some attractive girls there and we all got fake Mike Tyson tattoos, and I posted a picture on Instagram of the three of us just having fun. I did feel there was a little devil on my shoulder saying, “Post it,” to wind her up a bit because she’ll see me with these girls. I felt I’m single so who cares I’m going to post it…

I mean after seven months, if she’s still going hot and cold like that and disappearing from your life, yeah, you’re a free agent, so it shouldn’t really matter because this is not the ideal, normal behavior that you would want to see if you’re going to get into a relationship with somebody. It just kind of looks like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, she’s a bit of a screwball, maybe still dealing with issues with the breakup, but to date somebody for seven months that’s hot and cold and she’s doing 100% of the pursuing, and then just having great sex, and then she masturbates for hours after you leave? Yeah, that’s girl does not sound really normal. Sounds like she might have a few issues that she’s got to work through.

…But I think I did it also because I was feeling slightly frustrated that she wasn’t becoming as frequently close to me as I wanted, I was allowing a needy part of me to be mean and try to hurt her. I’ve not heard from her for two weeks. I’ve not reached out since I allow her to do 100% of the pursuing because she’s so hot and cold. I’m sure she’ll come back, but was I wrong to post this?

Wish you all the best Coach,

Bob

No. In this case, I would say no. It’d be different if you guys were dating for seven months and you did that. I mean, to get seven months down the road and she disappears for a month at a time, maybe she’s going back to the ex or maybe she’s got other guys, maybe she’s just messed up. She was cheated on, I think he said that was what led to her breakup. So we don’t really know.

A woman who’s head over heels in love with you doesn’t disappear for a whole month unless she’s a screwball, has a serious attachment issues and probably needs a good therapist to help her, because this is just not normal behavior. So when you look at it from the perspective of a girl that’s on your practice squad, if you think about how the NFL works, the practice squad has players that weren’t good enough to make the active roster whether on your team or other teams, they’re on the bubble, they’re potentially getting better, you’re developing them as a prospect, but unless they prove themselves by being consistent, which this girl is definitely not being consistent, they’re not going to go to your active roster. Therefore, they’re not going to get the same priority as somebody that you’re considering for a girlfriend. You’re seven months in and she’s still behaving this way, she’s doing 100% of the pursuing and still disappears for a month at a time, and she says all the things that she says? Her words and her actions don’t match. So something is definitely off with this particular girl. I wouldn’t put too much stock in it and quite frankly, I wouldn’t really give a shit.

If I were you, I’d be meeting and dating as many women as possible, because you’re looking for a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with. If you’re looking for a relationship, you want ready, willing, able and open to a relationship, and she’s clearly none of those because she disappears for a month at a time. So I can’t really see anything in here that shows that your game is messed up or you’ve been doing things to turn her off, but the fact that she just all of a sudden disappears for a month without warning seems like she’s kind of a bit of a screwball, and she may have done this to her previous ex, and maybe he just got tired of her hot and cold behavior and just decided to move on and screw other girls and didn’t really care.

So I think what you did was fine in this particular case just because of the circumstances. She does not warrant a monopoly on your time or being that important to you, because if she can be so hot for you and then say she masturbates for hours after you leave and then disappears for a month? That’s not somebody that’s normal. It sounds like she’s got a few screws loose. She’s a bit of a screwball. I would not call her or text her for any reason. I would just move on and date other women. If you’re looking for a relationship, which I think you probably are, just from what you wrote here, she’s not really a candidate for that because she hasn’t demonstrated anything in seven months that would warrant you giving any consideration to her as being a potential girlfriend. So I think you did fine.

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