What it means and what you should do if your woman is not making any effort to pursue you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who after discovering my work several years ago and reading my book, How To Be A 3% Man, ten times, got lazy and complacent in his long term relationship. Now he notices that his girlfriend has low interest and is not making any effort to pursue him when he backs off.
He asks if his situation is recoverable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a good email that shows what happens to guys who get lazy and complacent in their long term relationship. They start out great, they think they’ve got it, and then they stop doing all the things that made them successful. And this is something that really is just human nature.
I remember when I was in real estate, I would have some of my top salespeople, all of a sudden they go from having a great month to not being able to close deals or not having much happening, even though you’re still giving them the same number of leads. I would sit down and go through the basics with them. When they get busy and they get successful, what happens is they typically start cutting corners and not doing things that they don’t think are that important.
They were no longer taking the time to create rapport with their new clients, therefore, the new clients really didn’t feel a strong connection to them. They didn’t feel like they liked them and or that they could trust them. And when it comes to sales, if somebody doesn’t like you and doesn’t trust you, you’re not going to be able to sell them what you’re trying to sell them.
I’ve been having this conversation with a couple of friends of mine that had been in long term relationships. Both of them admittedly have gotten soft, and we jokingly talk about how they become “domesticated.” They don’t work out, they’re not taking care of themselves, and their wives or girlfriends are starting to needle them about things that they’re no longer doing. And so, we talk about these things and they acknowledge it, yet they’re not really doing anything to take corrective action, because deep down, they think everything is going to be fine.
These are good friends of mine that I’ve known for a long time, and the future is predictable. If they don’t change course, at some point their girlfriends or their wives are going to leave them, and that’s the harsh reality. Because, as a man, you’ve got to remain disciplined. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can just let yourself go, not take care of your body, blow off your friends or give up your hobbies, your interests.
What happens is guys stop being who they were. They stop being the guy that the woman fell in love with. And these things don’t happen over a couple of days, or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months. They tend to happen over many months and years. It’s like a slow, gradual process that happens. It’s not any one thing that happens. It’s just stuff that happens consistently. You get lazy.
I mean, you can be disciplined to go to the gym, but you can also become disciplined to be lazy and blow off doing those things or eating healthy and taking care of yourself. Or if you’re investing in stocks, you can have a couple of wins, and then you get lazy and you don’t keep doing the same amount of research that you did on those particular stocks, and then your portfolio goes the wrong way.
And so, this is something that we all struggle with in all areas of our lives. When things are going well, we tend to get soft, lazy and complacent. And especially when it comes to intimate relationships, when you do that, you’re going to have some rocky roads ahead if you don’t take corrective action.
Control the controllables. Control the things that you have control over. Like in this particular guy’s case, he needs to do those things. He needs to get back to the gym. He needs to get back and reconnect with his friends, get involved in his hobbies and his interests again, not because he’s necessarily trying to attract his wife or his girlfriend, but because he’s trying to be the best man that he can be, and therefore display the most attractive qualities that he has. And he’ll either re-attract his girl, or eventually, he’ll re-attract somebody better.
I discovered your work a few years ago, bought 3% Man, read it at least 10 times, and marked up countless passages.
Your advice is much more pragmatic than what I’ve read on the Red Pill. I’ve found a few useful nuggets on Red Pill, but so much useless garbage to sort through to find them.
Well, what I see in the red pill community, and I talk about this a lot, I don’t know what it is, but in the last year, year and a half, I’ve talked to so many clients that tell me the same story over and over. They started following my work, they got really successful, then they got into the red pill nonsense, and they became bitter, and angry, and pissed off towards women. And then women no longer felt safe and comfortable around them. They literally started repelling women. It just made them bitter.
And I get a lot of shit for it, but the reality is they come back to me, they start applying my work again, and women feel safe and comfortable around them. I mean, all you’ve got to do, like I say all the time, even if you think I’m full of shit, if you apply the things I teach, you will see that it works for you.
Because there’s just too much in the red pill community enabling being lazy, enabling them to not take any responsibility for their own lives, even though they claim to be all about personal responsibility and developing themselves. When I look at all of these self-professed red pill guys in my comments, almost 100% of them are negative and don’t have anything positive to say. And they’re always looking to point the finger and belittle women, or blame women, and absolve themselves from any personal responsibility.
I am going through a rough period with a girlfriend. She’s doing things like ignoring my calls and returning them later, booking things over other appointments on my schedule, using various ‘injuries’ to avoid going out of her way for me, expecting me to chase her and ignoring me if I don’t.
Remember, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. If they care, if it bothers them, they’ll make an effort to get in touch. And if they don’t, then you know where you stand.
Bottom line, I read it as her having a low interest level in me.
Obviously, if she’s no longer making the effort, if she’s no longer reaching out to you, her interest has dropped.
What I’ve learned from your work is that the problem is me.
When you recognize that everything in your life is your fault, it’s the result of your best thinking. So, if you attracted a toxic friend or toxic woman into your life, or a woman that jerked you around, you invited them into your life, therefore, it’s your responsibility.
And the thing I don’t like about these dudes in the red pill community is there’s so much focus on hating on single moms or blaming women for all of society’s ills, instead of the fact that they’re just bitching out on being men and not showing up. Men show up, and like Jocko, Willink says, they “take extreme ownership” for everything in their life. They don’t ever blame other people, because the way they look at it, whether your direct actions attracted that person, or maybe it was the level and tenor of your thoughts, the bottom line is everyone and everything that’s in your life is the result of your best thinking.
And if it sucks, it means that you need to change your thinking and how you’re showing up. Blaming other people absolves yourself from any responsibility. If it’s not your fault, you don’t have to do anything to fix it. And therefore, your life’s not going to change, it’s not going to get better. That’s why these guys always come back after they get involved in this garbage.
She is who she is. It’s my responses that are enabling her behavior towards me.
Well, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. That’s just a fact of life. What you observe you participate in. If you’re observing a lot of negative garbage on the internet, whether it’s red pill or the black red pill, whatever you want to fucking call it, that’s going to affect your behavior and your mood.
If you’re absorbing good things, things that are helpful, hopeful, that make you feel good, then you’re going to behave that way. If you’re absorbing a lot of negative garbage, you’re going to participate in that negative garbage, and then you’re going to become negative. Whatever you feed your brain is going to expand, because what you focus on expands in life, and that’s just a fact of reality. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
I went running after her. I BS’d myself that she must have been too busy to pick up my call.
The reason she didn’t pick up your call is because you’re not important to her. She doesn’t respect or value you as a man, because obviously you’ve constantly chased after her, and groveled, put her on a pedestal, treated her like a celebrity, kissed her ass and enabled her behavior. And so, you created a tyrant because there were no guardrails, there were no boundaries.
You weren’t setting and enforcing healthy boundaries anymore. The guy that she fell in love with, you’ve drifted away completely from that person. And now, instead of displaying your most attractive self, you’ve been displaying all the unattractive qualities of yourself.
I stopped doing my interests so we could do her things.
That’s what a pleaser does. “Oh, I don’t want to upset her, so I’ll just go along to get along. I don’t want my access to the box to get cut off.”
It’s all in your book, not to fall into this behavior. Using solid advice from your material, it became clear to me that her interest level had dropped a lot. I stopped monitoring her interest level to my detriment. Is my situation with her recoverable?
Maybe, maybe not. But the only thing you have control over is how you show up from this day forward. So, you should be back in the gym. You should be reconnecting with your friendships that you let go. One of the biggest regrets that people that are at the end of their lives say across the board is that they regret losing touch with their friends as they got older. That’s a huge regret of people that are on their deathbed, and you’re displaying that same thing.
If you lose touch for a few months or a year or two, before you know it, a decade, 15, 20 years have gone by. They’ve moved away, you’ve moved away, and it’s just like a like a garden. If you water and fertilize your garden, you give it plenty of sunlight, and pull out the weeds, it’s going to flourish. If you just let it go, the weeds are going to take over the garden.
I don’t know. I do know that once I stopped my problem behaviors, she made no effort to pursue me. Better that than wasting any more time on her. Go find a more compatible woman who makes it easy for me.
Well, at the end of the day, you should be focusing on taking care of you. Just like Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and you stopped doing that. And so, you need to do this for yourself because you want to be the most attractive that you can be. And like I always say, that will either attract her back, or she’ll bounce out of your life. If you just let her go, if you stop all forward movement, and then you don’t hear from her at all, then that tells you everything you need to know.
What changed for me was rereading your material. Guys slip up, get lazy, it’s easier to please her than be a 3% man.
Yeah, it’s hard to stay disciplined. Like, a close friend of mine hasn’t worked out in a year, and he’s lost thirty pounds of muscle. And now his wife is needling him about that, because she’s in the gym working out and taking care of herself. He’s letting himself go and he’s getting a gut. And she’s a much younger woman, half his age, a beautiful, young girl still. And he’s my age. Do you think she’s going to put up with that? I mean, there’s going to be a time limit on that. If you don’t date and court your wife properly, eventually some other guy will.
So, do the 10-15 times to let the lessons sink in. Then after some real world experiences where you get knocked around, read one more time to refresh the lessons forgotten.
Another thing that Jocko Willink says that I absolutely love is “Discipline equals freedom.” So, if this guy had remained disciplined and maybe once a year went back through “How To Be A 3% Man” just as a refresher, especially when you go through the interest level table – which is in the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers,” where it’s broken out into different paragraphs on what women do based on what their interest level or their attraction level is – that’s very sobering. Because you can look right at it and go, “Wow, she hasn’t done that a long time… she hasn’t done that a long time.” And the only things she is doing are things women do that have an interest level of five or six, on a scale of one to ten. Then you know you really backslid, and then you’ve got to take corrective action.
So, it’s like the longer you let things go, the worse it gets and the harder it is to recover, because most women will typically stay in a relationship until the point where their feelings are completely gone. And then when they leave or break it off, or they meet some new guy, it’s oftentimes too late.
So, like I said, if I was this guy, I’d be back in the gym, I’d be working out, I’d be hanging out with my friends. I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason. I mean, she’s jerking him around left and right. You don’t reward that kind of behavior with pursuing her. Because otherwise, you just enable it. You just teach her it’s okay to continually do that.
And so, I would just not call or text her again for any reason. Go start hanging out with your guy friends and doing things without her. And then when she reaches out, try to make a date. And if she’s difficult or wants you to do things that she wants to do, but not what you want to do, then politely decline.
You want her to be submissive and willing to follow your lead, and right now, all she’s doing is displaying a total lack of respect. She’s treating him like she doesn’t want to be around him. Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. If they’re not going to make the effort, let them go and replace them with somebody who has the enthusiasm that you’re looking for.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most men become lazy, soft and complacent when they are in a long-term relationship. They often give up their friends, hobbies and interests and let themselves go physically in their efforts to please women, instead of remaining the leaders in their relationships. They in essence change and are no longer the same interesting, disciplined and successful men they were in the beginning. The quickest way to reestablish respect, romantic attraction and leadership when this happens is to get back in the gym and back to being the men they were in the beginning of their relationships.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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