What you should do if you start dating a woman who starts off hot and heavy with you romantically, but then all of a sudden she starts backing away and getting cold, and you later find out that she’s not actually divorced yet and has not even filed the papers.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a recently divorced woman. Things started off hot and heavy very quickly. She wanted to become exclusive after only a few weeks of dating. She had two almost grown and adult children. After a few weeks of dating, he finds out that she is not “technically” divorced and has not even filed the divorce papers yet! Then all of a sudden she shows up for a date with no makeup and dressed like a total slob.
Her phone calls and texting drops off dramatically after that. Then she starts telling him that she can’t have him around her kids and that she moved too fast with him. She starts trying to only meet him for lunches, and the sex and intimacy comes to a complete halt. She went from being totally nuts about him to being a total cold fish in a matter of days. She still texts him a few times a week, but things are going nowhere. He asks my opinion.
I met a very attractive woman online. We are both in our early to mid 40’s. I’m in a serious career slump at the moment, and as a result, I am living about an hour’s distance from her city. However, I am planning to move back shortly, although, not because of her.
A quick back story on her…she is twice divorced and she has two almost grown children who live at home with her. Her second husband she married very quickly, something like after three months. (It sounds like she’s a little impulsive. You can see, this is potentially a character flaw.) She divorced him because he turned out to be an alcoholic. (This is a good reason you should date someone for a couple of years before you get married.) She was also involved in a bitter property dispute with this ex, so there was lots of added drama on her end. (These outside forces get in the way of her going with the flow and having an easy and effortless relationship with you.) Then, I found out she is not technically ‘divorced’ as neither one of them had actually filed the papers! Despite many days of, admittedly too many, playful back and forth texts, (You were texting too much. The phone is for making dates), we met for coffee initially, then had a second and third date, dinner both times, and had really passionate make out sessions in the car afterwards. It was great. Afterwards, she was constantly texting me with all the usual texts like, “I can’t wait to see you,” “I miss you,” and “I wish you were here right now,” etc. Things progressed, and we had sex about ten times or so over the few weeks we were together. I usually just went to her place, either directly or after a date, and would usually stay over, as she wanted me to.
The first thing that I found odd was that she told me early on that she believes strongly in the horoscope, and that “two Geminis together were not compatible.” She would also say more than once that, “this is too good to be true.” Then, she sent me these texts, “you better get used to your picture on my nightstand, because you’ll be having to walk by it every morning,” and other cock-fluffers like sending me screenshots of text messages she sent to other men who wanted to go out with her, saying “I actually found someone I want to see exclusively.” All of this was even before we had sex for the first time! She also mentioned her online profile, and how she thought she removed it, but “couldn’t figure out how to delete it.” She must have thought I had turnips growing out of my ears. The last ‘date’ we had was dinner out and the movie “50 Shades of Horseshit.” She was caressing my arm and hand the whole time. Afterwards though, she had to “get home to her kids.” We had another make out session, and off she went.
One day passed, and she TOTALLY CHANGED. She only wanted to meet me out for a ‘quick lunch,’ and she showed up in sweats, no makeup, and generally looking like a slob. (You’re getting moved from her rebound lover to the friends zone.) Then, her texts started decreasing, phone calls disappeared, and she became distant. All of a sudden, she now just wanted to “meet me for lunch,” and I wouldn’t agree to that again. (Good job.) A week of this, and I made the dreaded mistake of sending the “what’s going on?” text. (Not a good idea.) She responded immediately with, “I wanted to talk to you about this if you would have met me for lunch the other day. I think I moved too fast. I’m not ready to have anyone around my kids.” My bullshit-o-meter pegged red. She kept texting me, saying she ‘wanted to discuss it.’ The next afternoon, she called me to feed me a Dagwood-sized shit-sandwich saying, “I believe in timing. I told you the distance would be an issue. I just don’t want anyone around my kids. I’ve talked to my girlfriends about this, and they agree,” etc. She was all over the map with excuses. She didn’t give me the ‘let’s be friends,’ so I didn’t give the Corey response at that time. I went no contact again. She then texted me 4-5 days later to say, “Hi. Are these texts bothering you?” I gave her the Corey response, “ Of course not. I’d love to see you again. Let me know when you have an evening free.” She replied with another wishy-washy text, and I never responded. That was the last contact. (Smart. You tried to set a date, and she didn’t. If she reaches out again, ask one more time to set a date. After that, you will never ask her out her again.)
So Corey, what are your thoughts on all of this? So much for her wanting to be ‘exclusive’ with me, huh? (You are the poster child for why you shouldn’t get in a relationship with a woman who isn’t divorced yet.) I went 100% no contact since, and will not contact her. (Never ever contact her again. She must do 100% of the pursuing from this point forward.) It’s amazing how a woman can be 100% nuts about you, and then drop all contact like you never existed! I really wanted this woman long term, but perhaps I should have heeded all of the red flags.
Thanks for your work, Corey! I am committed to being the best man I can be using your principles going forward. (You handled yourself well. In the future, let her come to you.)
My response to him:
You need to read my book 10-15 times to learn the basic fundamentals of what I teach. The glaring red flag you are ignoring is that she is not divorced. Neither her, nor her husband has filed divorce papers. You should only be dating women who are single and available. Not women who are in the middle of a divorce or separated. Your experience with her is exactly why I suggest not getting involved women like this or women who are on the rebound. You get hot and cold and flaky behavior. It also sounds like she lied to you about the status of her divorce. If that is the case, that is a deal breaker. She’s only an occasional fuck buddy, friends with benefits or open relationship material. She simply is not in a place in her life where she is good relationship material. She’s still married! If she lied to you, she is not relationship material. It also sounds like she jumped from being in a relationship with her husband to being in one with you. She may have gone back to him or be fucking some other dude.
You should look elsewhere for a girlfriend who is mature enough and smart enough that she gets her divorce situation settled before getting back into the dating game. It’s healthy to take time to heal after a breakup. I would never call or text her again. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. She has jerked you around. Therefore, if she wants to see you again, she needs to come see you for at least the first three dates. Do not go to her. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. Only ask to see her once more when she reaches out to you. If she still gives you a flaky noncommittal response, then do not ask her out again. Only ask her out again after that if she brings it up first. After being shot down twice when you ask her out, you will keep all phone calls under three minutes and text exchanges to under 2-3 replies max. Always end with, “Hey it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” She’ll either bring up getting together or stop contacting you. You should use this article and video as a guide on how to interact with her going forward if she reaches out to you in the future, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s never a good idea to date, start dating or start a relationship with someone who just ended a long term relationship or marriage. It is also very foolish to become romantically involved with someone who is recently single after a long-term marriage, but neither your new lover or their ex to be has even filed the divorce papers yet. A good rule of thumb is that most people need about two to six months of healing time for every year they were in their previous long-term relationship. If you ignore this and proceed anyway, you must understand that you will more than likely experience your new lover being hot and cold, unsure, emotional, flaky, inconsistent and the relationship will go in fits and starts. The best potential relationship partners are people who have taken adequate time to heal, take care of themselves and who have completely resolved and finalized their divorces and legal obligations.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne